I wonder when the mind games end, boy I hope they do end.
I know that we all have a problem when figuring out portion sizes, which is why measuring and weighing is so helpful.
But, what about our body.
My weight has bounced for months now. Up 2 lbs, down three, up 2, down 1, up 2, down 4- you get the picture. I slowly dropped from 199 in Dec. to the lowest I have seen 188 in May. I am currently doing the bounce thing still.
I haven't had a fill since Feb and have an appointment for one next week. My meals are no longer holding me 4 hours.
Any way with all the up down of the scale, what does that say for how I look? I look in the mirror and I see that my face is smaller, as is my body, but I still feel HUGE! I slide on one pair of 14 shorts and they fit perfect, then slide on another pair and they are loose.
Last night I went out for a Walk/Run with the hubs and 2 dogs. As I slipped on my 12/14 gym shorts that fit perfectly (last year they were like a 2nd skin), my sports bra and my old outer banks t-shirt. I realized that my boobs stick out further than my tummy now. I clearly see my feet.
All this is great, but I still feel like a walking Shamoo Show.
I am just getting so frustrated with all of it. It is like this process has become all consuming. Everything is about my band and my weight loss.
The doc said last time I have been successful, but I am still so big. I mean 188 is a lot less than 244, but still it's a long ways from the 125 the charts say I should be.
I by no means believe I will ever hit 125, but I would like to see the upper 130's- and low 140's. But, that is still 40+ pounds away.
I begin to wonder will I ever make it.
I am still very fatigued, which my OB/GYN attributes to my extremely low Vit D level, my mildly down B levels and my mildly low iron levels. I am currently work toward getting these up with insane regiment of pills.
Maybe, once my level get back in the homeostatic range with weight loss will continue.
Any one else feel like this sometimes?
When my hubs ask his mom what her Mother's Day/Birthday Wish was, her answer was come up and see me.
My MIL lives in Ohio and we see her about once, sometimes twice a year. She is a sweet little lady and I want to make her happy. But, with my insane work issues these days, it has been hard for the hubs and I to set a date to go. Which seemed to make the MIL very sad, but she didn't say anything.
After some time and getting some training dates and such I figured out when I could manage to get a few days off work. So last night we called her and told her we were looking at the weekend of July 27th and wanted to make sure that would work for her. She was elated and said that she would make it okay, if that was the only time it would work for us. So date said, headed north that weekend.
My MIL cheerfully continued to talk a bit and ask how much had I lost now. I turned red faced! When she was here in November she took me shopping for new clothes, at that time I had lost right at 50 lbs. Now it is 6 months later and I am only 8 more lbs down. So I lied a touch- I told her I was down 60 lbs and I am only down 58- so not to bad. My MIL had a friend who lost 100 lbs in a year. I am afraid she is going to be disappointed when she sees me.
I know it shouldn't bother me and I should be happy with the results so far, but I want her to see me as a success not a failure.
For some odd reason I always feel a need to impress my MIL. When I first started see my hubs it took her a long time to warm up to me. I am 7 almost 8 years younger than my honey. While she didn't say anything to him, she ask mutual friends if they thought I was just going for him for his money or if I really love him. Of course that was a LOL because I had seen his bank statement and if I was in it for money I would have quickly broken up with him. Anyway, she was still not getting the warm and fuzzys when we married, she told me on our wedding day - "make my son happy and don't leave him". Her tone was one of if you hurt him I will hurt you! My husband's first wife walked out on him just said she didn't love him maybe never did. He was messed up from this for a while.
When I got pregnant the MIL was all of a sudden so happy that I was in his life. After all I was going to give her a grandbaby. Then we had to call her a few weeks later and tell her we had lost the baby- this killed me - I hated to hear the disappointment in her voice, but she was very sweet to me. Since that time she and I have gotten along very well.
All I want to do is please her, which is nuts. Hopefully, getting on the Vit D will help my weight start heading down- maybe I will be at the 60 mark by July! I hope so.
Even though I work in computers now with the school system, my college degree was actually Counseling with a concentration in Substance Abuse.
While working at a drug treatment center I worked with patients on developing coping skills to help them deal with cravings to use. We would tell them, they must avoid people, places and things that are triggers; some to the point of having to live some where other than where they came from.
During that time I was in denial that I myself was an addict, but my drug of choice was food. Unfortunatly, I can't avoid food. I must eat, but as I continue on the self reflective journey I have been on of late, I realize that I have food triggers. Cookies- I love them, they are buttery and chewy and oh so good. If I make cookies and eat one, I can't stop- I must eat more. Ice Cream is another problem, I love ice cream, any shape or form- cones, cups, shakes- yum. So I know, no ice cream should be kept in the house because I won't stop until it is all gone.
Now you may say, where is you will power, where is your want power? I do want to lose weight, but there are times where it is like an out of body experience, I realize what I am doing is wrong and I will regret it, but I can't stop- this is classic addict behavior.
If you are able to use your want power to prevent you from ever slipping up- awesome for you- but addicts many times can not rely strictly on that.
I am actully going back and reading some of my old college textbooks to help myself with this addiction. While I have lost a little more than half of what I want to lose, in order for me to lose more and here is the key- keep it off- I must figure out my triggers and develop coping skills for dealing with these.
Is this journey easy- heck no! Will it be worth it- heck yes. But, I feel I will be much more successful long term now that I am looking at this for what it is! Just like drug, tobacco, alcohol addiction is a life long battle- so is food addiction.
For those of you who what I am saying rings true, take a look at yourself- what are your triggers- what can you do to cope with them.
So with that- Hello, my name is Kim and I am a foodaholic.
I am still on my learning journey and getting back on track after gaining 3 lbs. This may not sound like much to you, but I know that 3 ends up as 6, which will end up as 12 if I don't nip it in the bud now.
When I left work yesterday I headed for my weekly grocery trip. I had my list and my meal plan. Got very little processed stuff, mostly meat and veggies, and the fur kid food. Came home, unload and unpacked and put everything up. I started our dinner - we had chicken alfredo (totally homemade using spagetti squash and my from scratch low fat/cal sauce with lots of veggies). I went and weeded my garden while waiting for the hubs to get home (I got baby squash and cucumbers). Once he got home, we ate (left overs galore- we both ate and we both have lunch for today and I have enough for tomorrow to). I did dishes and then headed out to cut the grass. We have a .25 acre yard and I push mow it. After finishing that I put down my fire ant treatment being that I was attacked. Then in the house to set up the next days "stuff", shower and spends some time with the hubs. So as you see my afternoon was full, this is a normal day in my life- I am pretty much moving and doing something all day except when I have to sit at my desk at work.
After the busy day, I settled down with the hubs to watch a little TV. I was already 9. After a few min of laying there in the chaise lounge I started thinking oh, I need a snack. I deserve it, after all I push mowed the lawn. Then the little voice came from deep inside that ask, are you really hungry? The answer was honestly NO- head hunger was creeping in. I squashed that real quick- got a bottle of water and sucked it down hung out with the hubs and my fur babies for a while longer before hitting the sheets.
The point to all of this is, it doesn't matter how long post op you are, how long you have done things right, or how committed you are- things will always pop up to make us want to eat. We have a problem- we want more food than we need. The only way for me to lose weight and keep it off is to recongnize these problem times and areas, face them and squash them.
Normally, I would go in for a fill, I haven't had one since Feb. However, I know I still get stuck a lot so I am not sure a fill is the best route for me right now. I will go in next month for my 1 year follow up and let them check it then, if the doc says it's time for another fill, then we will do it, because he is the expert. While a fill might help me deal with these things, at some point I must face the demons of my eating problems and lean to cope.
I encourage everyone no matter where you are along this journey to keep your eyes open and be on the watch for these little demons to creep in. They will, for some more than others, but if we keep our eyes open and are mindful of them we will beat them and come out on top.
When I was working in a drug treatment center, I often times talked to my patients about developing coping skills. Things to do when they were craving their drug of choice, well I must do the same thing when I am craving or wanting food when I don't need it.
Maybe I am slow on the take off, maybe I wasn't 100% ready when I had surgery. But, I am waking up from a fog and realizing I have a problem with food and I must deal with it now before it gets me. I have a tool to help me with this, it is up to me to use it and to develop other tools to deal with my addiction.
Here are some things that I need to admit:
1- I can not do this journey alone. My husband is awesome and so very supportive, but he isn't on the same path as me and it's makes it difficult to see him eating certain things and I have to tell myself no. I don't have anyone to call and vent to or talk me down. I thought I could do it with his support, but I need support from those on the same wagon train.
2- I am addicted to food. When all else fails eat. When you are sad, happy, mad, glad, worried, sleepy eat.
3- The only thing to blame for me not having lost more weight is me, myself and I. I choose to eat things I shouldn't have and more than I should have.
4- I am a master of excuses. If you have something you don't want to do, let me know I can give you 100 different excuses for not.
5- I have good intetions, but have trouble following through. I often "plan" to do XYZ, but then when the time comes, the excuses come.
I am starting to work on these. The journey is an ever evolving learning process. I have hidden and ignored a lot of things above, but I must face them now in order to move forward.
The last week bad decisions have now shown up on the scale. This morning as I stared down at the scale shining 191, I wanted to kick my butt. I made bad choices and I am now 3 lbs up. To many that may not seem bad, but for me it is a wake up call.
I have got to turn this thing around, I have got to reset. This started with me making a menu plan again last night. This way I will know what I will be eating and have less chance of making unhealhty things. I also made my lunches for the remainder of the week and packaged my breakfast, so all I have to do is pick and go. When I did this a few weeks ago it really worked, then life hit me and fell down.
My attitude the last few weeks has been less than great. I have been down for a number of reasons and it has take a toll on me and my weight loss. My life is still beyond busy, but I hope I am getting some control over my attitude.
By the end of last week I was in the mode of screw it, I don't care I am going to eat what I want and do what I want. However, I noticed that my band does prevent me from going to far over board and I suppose that is a great thing.
Saturday my parent drove down from Southern VA to help the hubs and I set up our awesome new deck. We finally built the deck of our dreams. Even though we live in Raleigh, NC's capital, we have a house in a subdivision that backs a river, so I have a big feild and a river behind my house. This helps me feel like I am some what in the country. We now have a 25 x 14 deck. My parents helped assemble a gazebo on our deck, complete with curtains. We have beautiful new deck furniture. So Saturday from the time my feet hit the floor until my butt hit the bed I was hauling butt.
Eating wise, I am not sure how to feel about the weekend. Saturday and Sunday morning, I had what the hubs refers to as the hearty breakfast bowl. This bowl consist of 1 pack of cinnamon oatmal, half of a small apple chopped up in it and a sprinkle of granola on top. It is very good. I don't think that was a horrible breakfast. For lunch, for time sake, we order a pizza. I ate two slices of a medium veggie pizza. When dinner finally rolled around, I felt like a truck had hit me since I had been working out in the sun since 8 am. The hubs wanted to go to Moe's Southwest Grill. I ordered a Quesodilla with chicken, onions and peppers. I pulled off the execess shell, but I did eat most all of it. Funny thing is I never had one stuck spell or felt over full. This worries me a bit.
Sunday, I had to make the trip up to Southern VA for a family reunion. I was worried about this, since it would be outside and I would have no where to go hide and PB if I got stuck. I ended up helping my plate with to much, however it was about a 3rd of what I would have normally had on there. Yet, I still didn't eat it all. I ended up giving a peice of chicken that was way to big to my newphew who is 16 and is as skinny as a rail, yet eats like a horse. I didn't have dessert a spoon of strawberry cobbler and 1 thin slice of pound cake. Luckly I never got stuck, but still know I ate to much.
When I finally arrived home the hubs wanted breakfast supper. I made sausage and egg sandwiches. I toast mine so the bread doesn't gum. I ate the entire thing- normally I would only eat half.
I worry now that I may have stretched my band. I know I need to get back on track and stop this insanity before it gets totally out of control. I had hoped to get up early today and go for a run, but it's is raining cats, dogs and a few horses here in NC and will all day . This afternoon I need to go get my mom's B-day gift, since I finally know what she wants. Then I need to come home and clean the house, which got neglected this weekend with everything else I have to do. So I know I will not stop moving until my head hits the pillow again.
This constant being busy is likely what has prevented my weight from going insane, I am up to 190.8 this morning. My lowest seen has been 187.
I must get back on track one step at a time, I believe it is time to go back to journaling, if I can find time to do that.
I said at the start of this journey failure was not an option. I was not going through this to revert back into old habits.
While I haven't totally reverted back, over the last week I have noticed old thoughts and desires coming back into mind.
I am not sure if this is because of my exhaustion and busyness of late or what. I had my blood work done this week to see how I am on that front. Seems I am very low on Vit D and my B-12 is low even though I am taking a supplement as is my iron. So I am going back on multiple suppliments and increasing the B12 even though I was already taking the perscribed amount. I know that these things being low can increase my exhaustion level, so I am getting back to taking them right now!
My weight is still hanging at 188-189, but I still feel like a failure currently. Last weekend, Mother's Day- which is hard due to losing 3 babies- I went to my mom's for a family dinner. While I made sure there were Kime friendly foods there, there were also some of my fav desserts. I made my mom's fav cookie, which is also mine, Carmel Pecan Crunch. I ate 2 cookies- they were heaven. Then I took some Strawberry Cloud home. My mom's Strawberry cloud is a layer dessert consisting of angel food cake, crushed strawberries and a vanilla pudding/cool whip mixture. Mom does use the no sugar added pudding and cool whip due to my Dad's diabeties. But, still this was a dessert.
Then yesterday a co-worker brought in her famous Pineapple Upside Down cake and I ate a slice. Normally, cake and me don't a long, but for some reason yesterday it gave me no issues. Then last night my hubs and I had some errons to run and some things to pick up so rather than cooking at home and having to clean up we went out to dinner. We needed something fast, which I should know better than that- fast and the band don't mix. We went to Chic-fil-a I order a kids chicken nuggett. (I use to eat two adult Chick nuggets). I ate the 1st nugget and bam- stuck. Took me 20 min in the bathroom to dislodge that sucker. I managed to eat a couple more nuggets and got stuck again so I gave up. I had not gotten stuck that day before that night, so I know it was from trying to eat to fast.
But, part of me felt like this was my band telling me I shouldn't be eating this. I know chicken nuggets aren't exactly health food, but I haven't had them in forever and really wanted them and I did opt for a smaller size. Maybe I am just trying to justify my choice.
The first of the week my weight bounced up to 190 and then back down to the 188-189 marks.
The failure feeling come in that I am 11 months post of next Wednesday. I have gone from 244 to 188, while I am happy 56 lbs is gone, I still feel like a failure and I should have lost much more by this point. All the negitive things people told me before banding are swirling around in my head- "you will only lose half of you excess weight, if you want to lose more do gastric", "you should just do gastric, you will lose more", "your to fat for the band", "why do this, you will just gain it back", "you've always been big why change now". Yes, people said that to me, which pissed me off at the time, but now I am feeling like they were right. I know it's great that 56 lbs is gone and I have kept it off. It took 4 months for me to lose 10 lbs- that is so ridiculas.
Many people on this site who had surgery at the same time as me have weight still melting off, so it's hard when the doctor tells me this is natural this far out for the loss to slow. I realize I should not compair myself to others, but it is hard not to. I am second guessing myself, wondering if I should just stop worrying about and live, if I lose more fine, if not fine. I didn't want to get to that point until I got to the 150's, which is almost 40 lbs away. I don't want to gain anything back, but I feel like if I don't lose more it still makes me a failure.
The last week has been emotional. I have a lot going on in both my professional life as well as my personal life. I have a lot of decisions to make on both fronts that will effect the rest of my life. So needless to say I feel a little out of sorts.
At work we are changing systems and I have to write a software program to track some things that won't be tracked in the new system. Plus, I have to get all the training in for the new system so I can train everyone else.
My mother-in-law is begging us to come up north to see her. While we want to, right now with my crazy work life it is hard to find some time to take off.
My dog got crazy sick last Thursday night. Vomiting blood- we were at the ER vet at 3 am. Thank God she is better, but I am having to watch her like a hawk. Plus, she has gotten really clingy during all of this.
We have had a contractor working on our house. Had our deck enlarged from a 10x14 to a 25x14.
Managed to get to my mom's for mothers day, which I ate a dessert and shouldn't have. I had to leave my dog for a few hours with the hubs, which caused the dog to howl for 45 min, driving the hubs crazy. She finally tuckered herself out and went to sleep.
Mother's Day is hard for me. If I wouldn't have lost my first child, she would be 3 and a half now. I have lost two more since losing her. Then I went to my OB/GYN Monday and was told my chance for having a child are slim. He said I can keep trying, but he would not get to invested until we are through the first trimester and half of the 2nd. So it's hard to decide if we should give it another go or not. The thought of seeing a postive pregnancy test I think would scare me. I am so scared of losing another one.
My weight loss is still at a sllllooooowww pace. Since Dec. I have only lost 10 lbs. It's hard to stay positive and focused when I seem to be getting hits from all side. Last week was pretty good weight wise. I went down to 188. After Mother's Day weekend and a splurge up to 190. It is so easy to put on and so hard to take off. It seems I can't even have one cookie without my body flipping out and gaining weight. Being that I seem to stay busy from before the sun rises until after it set finding time to work out has been difficult.
I am exhusted from the fast pace of life right now, and the knowledge that it's not going to get any better any time soon.
On top of all this the hubs and I are trying to figure out if I should go back to school to finish out my degree that I was forced to give up on years ago due to finances.
So as you can see I have a lot going on. I am not sure what to do or which way to turn. I am just tired!!
WLS is not Cover Girl. Easy Breezy is not a definition that can be used when talking about WLS.
In reading the comments posted on Fox News regaurding Gov. Christie's lapband surgery, I was disturbed to see that people still see WLS as the easy way out. What I would like to know is what part of major surgery is easy?
While lapband surgery is not a horrible ordeal to face, it isn't all sugar plums and roses. I was sick after surgery, felt like crap. Then I had trouble taking in enough. Then I was starving hungry. Then when I started eating again I was terrified. As the first 50 lbs melted away I was thrilled with my decision to have lapband, once I got past the 199 mark, the next 10 lbs took 4 months! I am still very glad I choose this change and committed to it.
Just because you have WLS doesn't mean your cravings, desires, wants disappear. We have to learn to manage these things. WLS success requires a huge committment to change your lifestyle. This pathway to health is worth it, but it is far from easy.
May 22nd I will be 11 months post op and I have gone from 244 to 188. I have gone from wearing a tight 18W to a very comfy 14. I know longer wear the 1-2X shirts, I know easily wear a large. These things are awesome and make then changes I committed to well worth the struggle.
Every day brings with it a new set of challenges, opticles, highs and lows, but it is worth it to finally feel "normal".
I no longer walk into places and feel like people are looking at me due to my weight. I am no longer paranoid over it (well almost there). I love walking into stores and being able to find cute clothes. I walked past the Women's sizes the other day in Belk and saw a cute top- guess what all they had were to big for me . My husband hugs me and comments frequently how small I feel and how proud he is of me.
So no matter how people view the surgery, no matter if it is hard or easy, I don't give a rats bootie- this is my life and I choose health. I choose to change. I am on this journey. I still have 45 lbs left to loose. I won't make it to goal in a year. But by golly I will make it. One day, I will see the blessed 140's. I am not sure how much more changing and rearranging I will have to do to my life style, but I am committed and I will do what I must to finally acheive my dreams!
The last week I have been BUSY!!! I spent most of last week in classes to learn about the new software system we are switching over to this summer. This was a very technical class, that left my brain in mush mode by night.
In an effort not to back track on my success I opted to take a page from Carolina Girls book. I made my little cups of chicken salad (chicken, apples, grapes and pecan) were fixed in my fridge. I also had more apples and grapes in there, along with the staple of weight watchers cheese sticks. Each morning I would pack my little bag and take it with me to class. Taking my lunch allowed me to stay in during lunch and play with the training database more and talk to the teacher to get more info. The great thing I found by doing this is it works!! I stuck to my portion size and found that I didn't get hungry, I never felt bloted or bad.
So this week rather than chicken salad I make homemade fresh tuna salad for my lunches. Again this is great and keeps me from just grabing anything for lunch. So I have to say thanks to Carolina Girl for putting out there what works for her.
Unlike, CG, I can't do carbless. As she said that is her choice, but I have always been a carb aholic so I know long term carbless wouldn't work for me. So in an effort to do better, I have opted to go carbless for one meal a day.
On my fidge is a list, each day with what I will do for breakfast and what I will cook for dinner. This way I can plan, get fresh groceries, and make sure one carbless meal gets in a day. My fresh veggies and fruit also don't spoil this way. In my fridge I have the shelf that is at my eye level full of my fruits and veggies and healthy options- this helps me make good choices.
Now if I can manage to kick it to the next level and get back into a regular work out routine rather than the sporatic one I have been one of late.
A bit of advice for newbies and oldies.... read what works for others, pull some of it and try it, see what works for you. We are all different, but by putting what works for us out there we might help others so talk, read, learn!!
I have a serious problem with wanting instant gradification. I think I've always been this way. My mom says patience was never my strong suit. I guess this is way gaining weight was so easy for me. You eat, it taste good, instant grad. Where the calories don't build up to pounds quickly so I don't see the negive consequence so fast.
I went into this surgery knowing that the loss would not be instant, however I did believe I would have lost more by this point (only 55 lbs in 10 months). I did well the first little bit, but then it has taken me 4 months to lose 10 lbs. I worry that I've lost all I will lose, a co-worker has told me over and over that with lapband you only lose 50 to 60 % of your excess body weight, and I am right there.
With exercise I also find it hard to keep on schedule. Due to my desire for instant gradification I find it difficult to say walk, do the elliptical, lift weights for x length of time because I see no result afterwards. Now, I love cutting my grass (I push mow my .28 acre), working in my flowers, even cleaning my kitchen and house because when I am done I can see a difference- instant grad. I know I need a regular exerecise plan, but I am having a really hard time sticking to one. I can go a month maybe two then I slack off due to other obligations that get in the way. Once I don't do it one day it makes it hard to get back at it. The hubs fusses at me for this, but he does the same thing. At one point we were walking the dogs on the trail behind the house every night, but long hours at work rain, we don't do that now.
My eating I think I am doing well with. I am making good choices, eating small portions, and drinking water. I know that limiting my carbs more than I have already done may help me get it down even more, but I worry I wouldn't be able to keep that up long term. I am a meat and potatos girl, always have been.
I think basically I need to suck it up, put on my big girl panties, stop wining and do something!!! I find it easier to cut carbs than I think, I had a much easier time letting go of soda than I thought I would. The exercise may still be an issue, but maybe I will be more apt to do it if I get a gym membership- I don't like to waste money.
I am in contemplative mode right now, the pity party is over, I am planning now to get over this hump. I want to kick my want power into high geer!!
Please any one who want to kick me in the seat of the pants, bring it on. I want to move forward!
It's a week before my TOM, so maybe that is why I am feeling this way, but ugghhh!
I got up this morning like any other, weighed after potting, 190.8! Geez, how, I am following the rules. I want my 189 back or lower!!
Moving on with the morning routine, I put my clothes on and go to fix my hair. I had on a sleeveless top (I had a shirt to go over top that I would put on before leaving), as I am doing my hair. I lift my arms up to begin curling- OMG!!!!! My arms, OMG- they are huge, that is what a thigh should look like not my arm and the hubs says my arms are smaller- OMG!!! How big were they? Then my eye drop down- I fail to see any of the postives that have come with losing 50+- I only see the remaining fat rolls! I see how my tummy still pouches, my back fat- UGH- I am a huge fat hippo!! I feel like having surgery did nothing for me- ok I realize that isn't true, but I am in full pitty party mode. I have only lost 54 lbs in 10 months- I am a failure - others have lost so much more. Why didn't I have bypass, then maybe I would be smaller now. I am sick of getting stuck at meals! My pitty party was in full swing.
I wasn't just thinking all this the hubs was sleepily listening. Finally, when I turned and said if I am this freaking huge now, just how big was I really before I lost the weight. At that point the hubs just said I love you and you are beautiful to me and turn and walked out!! He knew there was no talking to me at that point, I was firmly in the mode. As most men can relate, when a woman is in this mode there is nothing a man can say and not get in trouble for, so it is best to be quiet- my husband know this all to well.
Now a few hours later I am at work, still down, but not total pity party. I am just in the mode of ok, this sucks I want to lose more, I am tired of this being so slow, so what do I do now.
As much as I do not want to add a more rigourous exercise routine to my plan, I think that is the next step I need to do. Also, trimming carbs even more- I dont' like this, but if it helps and get me to where I want/need to be then I gotta get with it.
So tonight after work- I do have the push mow the lawn (I actually do enjoy this- gives me time to think while doing something productive that has a postive result I can see when I am done). I am also going to have a talk with the hubs, I am going to need support from him to kick it into the next level. He has always been supportive and loving and I know he will be this time to.
So how many of you have pity party days, where you still feel like a beached whale?
I think most of us were scared if not nervous going into this- all the what if's sworrling around our head. I am sure we thought about possible complications, what if it doesn't work, fear of the pain, ect.
However, sometimes fear is healthy. Like during my post op I was scared to do anything the doctor didn't okay, I know I bugged him and the NUT calling and asking what can I have - is this okay, is that okay. Then every little ache and pain I was scared I'd hurt my band.
Now I am a little less worried about the things from the begining. I do still have a little fear of will I be able to lose all the weight I want to. I've lost half of it so I guess it was successful, but I still have about 45 lbs I want to get rid of.
My fear now is foods!!
In some cases it's a good thing. I am an NC Girl and I swear Krispy Creme runs in my veins (heck where else is there a Krispy Creme Marathon). Due to the texture of a donut I am scared to taint my beloved friend. I fear that if I take a bite and swollow the pain will begin, then the foaming at the mouth, flowed by the delightful reverse of the donut up my eshogus.
Some foods though now have more power because I know they will go down. I can not tell you how often I pass the McDonalds right by my office and want to get a ice cream cone. But, I have been able to pass it up. Also, cookies- they slllliiiiiddddeeee on down. Last weekend when I make 3 batches of cookies for my hubs office party, I managed to keep my intake to just one (my fav- Carmel Pecan Crunch)- the other were shipped off to my hubby's office and I told him not to bring the box back until the cookies were gone!!
Then there is the fear of eating to much/eating to little. Having been a big girl most of my life I had never had anyone tell me I wasn't eating enough. A couple of months ago when I went to a doctors appointment and complained that I wasn't losing weight hardly at all anymore. My doc looked over my food chart and exercise tracker and told me I wasn't eating enough. I took a double take for sure. So I have a hard time balancing that line of too few calories to to many calories.
Fears bounce around all the time, some times it's good to give in to it (like not eating the donut out of fear) and sometime it's better to say a little prayer and plow through it (like having the surgery to begin with).
Even though we all know we should, many of us fail to listen to what our docs and NUTs have to say; some in major ways, some in small.
Now in the major ways I always listen to my doctor, I am to afraid not to. I do not want complications. But, in small ways, I fail at times.
For instance, in March I went to see my doc for my 9 month check up. We discussed how I was doing- good, felt good, not getting hungry, eating 3 meals a day. I track calories in and I track by my fitbit how many calories I use- I showed the doc. During all this I was complaining that my weight loss seems to have slowed almost to a stop. After reviewing my intake and calorie burn (1200-1300 calories - 2100 to 2200 calories out), the PA said I wasn't eating enough.
Now I have been over weight since I was 5 years old. Never have I been told I wasn't eating enough. I was terrified that this would cause me to regain some of what I'd lost, but I tried for a few days, a couple more pounds came off. Then I was headed out on vacation. The hubs and I went to Florida for a week and took in Disney and Sea World. During this time I was also on my monthly cycle. My band was really tight and I had a really hard time eating, even yogurt was a struggle in the morning. I was burning close to 3000 calories a day due to all the walking. When I return my weight was up 4 lbs - WTH, I hardly ate? I figured some was salt intake and apparently that was true. In a week of being back on schedule I was back down to pretrip weight. This week since being really back to normal I have increase my protein intake and started eating snacks as my doctor recommended. All week I have stayed at the 190 weight. Each day I have eaten a snack of 1 weight watchers cheese stick and about 12 grapes (if I didn't want grapes I ate half of an apple). I found this was a tasty snack and I never got hungry, always kept a satisfied feeling.
This morning my weight dropped to 189.8!! Ok, this is big to me. Okay TMI I know, but I haven't gone number 2 in 3 days. So being that I haven't really pottied well and my weight went down make me feel really good.
Maybe I should listen and heed instead of just hearing every little tid bit the doc says!!
I think most of us have had a love hate relationship with something- our cell phone, our job, heck even our spouse.
It is also easy to have a love hate relationship with the band. I do love mine, don't get me wrong, but some times that little plastic makes my life hell. For instand on my vacay, I ended up being stuck most of the trip, I couldn't eat much of anything. Sometimes eating slow is a problem especially when you are busy or in meeting- a quick bite gets you stuck quick.
However, because of my band I have learned so much. I am eating better foods. Yesterday when I hit WallyWorld for grocery day I noticed as I was placing my groceries on the checkout how my buying has changed. I buy very little from the interior of the store- the highly processed, sodium rich, high cal foods. Most of what is in my cart is water, water packs, yogurt, milk fresh meats, frozen and fresh veggies. I like this change.
Due to the change of what I am eating I feel better, I breath better, I move better, basically I am better. So my relationship with my band is way more love than hate.
It is so easy to get frustrated on this journey and blame our band and say we hate it, or it's not working, but before we say that we need to ask ourself are we working it. You car can't get you any where unless you drive it, you band won't get you to goal unless you work it. Yes, you can have bump ups and your car might even break down - but you must fix it and keep on truckin.
Everything including our band journey is a process. The band plays it's role, we must play ours, our doctor has theirs, and our nutrtionist has theirs. All the players must do their part or the journey gets off course.
Are you doing your part?
Ok, stress again.........
So this is a question I frequently want to ask people, when they want to be encouraging, but they really don't have a clue.
As I have said on this site before, I have had 3 miscarriages. My friends and family are aware of this also. Everyone says, oh it's already, you will have one, don't worry it'll happen when the times right, I just know you will have a little one next time. I always want to flip them off and say just how the h@## do you know, because I sure as heck don't?
I realize people mean well, but I have come to believe we are a "know it all" society. When we try and encourage others insert I "know" xyz will happen, when sometimes we just don't.
I have come to the point, where I want to be realistic. There are somethings I just don't have answers to and that isn't always a bad thing.
People tell me about my WLS to just stop stressing about my weight being stuck in the 190's for 4 months. Well, easier said that done! Some say oh, just keep doing what you are doing it will come down. Some well exercise more it will come off. Some say cut the carbs and you will loose it.
Well bottom line the ONLY truth I know is- if I eat less calories than I burn I will loose. However, there is a point when you eat two few calories and you body refuses to release the fat it already has- however there is A LOT of contraversery around this and how long it takes.
I get to the point where I worry I am stuck forever, will I lose anymore. Am I a failure?
The only person that can make me a failure is me because I define failure.
Also, and I am saying this to me- we need to be careful when talking with others to encourage realistically. If we feel for them in their situation whatever it may be say that you don't need to add to it- sometimes just knowing someone care is enough.
I don't know if anyone on this site I meet will be successful- I don't live with them or know their history. There are people here that have done so amazing and I wish I could be more like them (Carolina Girl and Missy here is your shout out), but I am me. My body is different, I lead a different life, I eat diffrently (we all have things we like and don't like) so I can't be like them. The only things I can say is what I know- we all have the power to be successful and we all have the power to fail- we must decide which one it will be.
People get offended if we are harsh, poor Carolina Girl gets picked on to much about this, but in my book sometimes we need the honesty to make us look at ourselves. You, me, anyone will not succeed in this if we continue living and doing as we did before. So why the heck do you expect anyone to say oh, it's okay to eat an entire pizza at one time- WTH? NO it's not ok. If you doctor tells you do xyz and you abc then no you DID NOT do right.
Wake up folks be honest, be realistic, and if it calls for it be harsh then do it- you might actually help someone.
While it pissed me off sometime ago when someone said oh there are worse things than never having kids. After I got over being pissed I realized it was true. Just because I don't have a child born to me doesn't mean I can't lead a full and amazing life. Now I appreciate that person for helping me come to terms with my reality even though it hurt at the time.
If you are easily offended stop reading now- here come some tough love!
I am a human, a woman, a wife, a mom to 4 wonderful fur babies, a daughter, sister, friend, emplyee, co-worker and many many more things. I have a big life, but that doesn't mean I need to be big. I am the first person to tell you I am NOT perfect, I have my vices, and life gets the best of me at times.
I use to think I was active - I was kidding myself. I came home from work and stayed there- not moving any more than I had to. I was lazy, I am still lazy, but I move now in spite of it.
If you are like me then I am sorry you gotta get your fat tusey up and move. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result. Soooo, if you want to and expect to loose weight, guess what you have got to CHANGE!!!!
If you sit on your big butt and do nothing you will NOT loose weight!! If you continue to eat unhealthy things and large portions you WILL NOT loose weight!!!! Sorry, but it is the truth!!!
I am speaking to myself as much as I am others.
I push myself to get up and do things. For instance, yesterday I working in my yard for a bit - planted a few flowers after work. Then made a healthy dinner (tacos - mine with out the shell). After dinner I went to a friends house and treated their yard for fire ants (they are blind and can't see the little buggers). I came home played with the dogs, got a shower, got stuff ready for today, cleaned the kitchen. You know what after all that I felt good and then slept good.
You have to push yourself sometimes to move. If you don't want to exercise find something you do enjoy that gets you moving and DO IT!!! I love gardening. Even though I live in the city, I put in a 20 x 3 row garden in my yard and am planing some yummy veggies (cumcumbers, peppers, tomatos, squash). I plant flowers in my front yard and am working on relandscaping that. I love working with my hands so I am finding ways to do that but that make my body active while doing it. I love walking the dogs so I do that instead of WALKING to exercise. It's all in how you define it.
As far as eating goes, we all got fat by eating things we don't need and to much at a time. To start with I thought if I just cut portions I would be fine - WRONG. I have since learned a lot of things I ate were not as healthy as I once believed. I read labels now. Do I do with out things - some, but not many- Am I unhappy about that - NO. For instance I LOVE alfredo yum oh. Alfredo sauce at a resturant and store bought is really not good for you- full of fat and calories. Sooo, I experimented and created my own healthy alfredo sauce that the hubs and I actually like better. I've also experimented with other recipes and veggies to make them healthier. How do you do this - read a labels, experiment. I enjoy cooking so I get up and move around my kitchen and experiment. I have lots of friends and family who don't mind being gunie pigs. I cook and dance around my kitchen to some good 'ole country- guess what I am burning calories while doing this .
Yeah, I have only lost 55 lbs in 9.5 months- but hey I have lost half of my excess body weight. I am in a size 14- so that says something. Plus I am learning more everyday about what leading a healthy life style means and making small changes all a long.
While it is FRUSTRATING, SUCKY, CRAPPY, to loose slowing after having surgery, I am loosing. Plus, like others have said this is not a race- this is a life long journey.
I will get to a healthy weight it won't be tomorrow, but I just as well enjoy the journey and learn as much as I can so when I get there I can stay there!!
Sooooo, CHANGE already you are worth it. If you are a person who can't make a lot of changes at once, make little ones along the way- they will add up.
Just like the temps in NC today my temper is warm.
Last week I went on a wonderful 5 day vacation with the hubs. We were in Orlando and took in Disney and SeaWorld. It was great and boy did I move it, move it!! My step counts for the days were redic- 22500 the first day and the following days from 15000 to 20000. I only partook on one alcholic drink. Due to band tightness I wasn't able to eat very much. However, when I did eat it wasn't the healthest due to it being away from home. I tried to make good choices, but you just never know what they put in things. I spluged and had ice cream twice - not huge amounts - one cup. The icecream and one crepe was the ONLY desert like things I had while there.
When we returned and I weight on the 6th I was up 4 lbs from the 30th when we left. I thought, okay, salt in take was likely higher than normal, plus I was on my TOM. I figured once my monthly vistor checked out and I got back to flushing my system the weight would drop. Well....... Sunday I was down a half lb, Monday down and half more. I have now been at 192.5 for two days. Before leaving I was 190.
I was so looking forward to the 180's. I have been in the 190's since Dec and I am soooo sick of it.
Since getting back I have remained moving. I have been trying to keep my steps around 8000-12000 a day. I am drinking my water again my TOM is done. So why are those pesky pounds sticking around.
I am frustrated. I have been in the same 10 lb range for 4 months- enough already!!!! Frankly, I am worried because what if my body won't let go of more weight? I am sticking to the plan, moving, talking to my doc and my weight is not going down any more.
My doc says I have done great and not to worry so much, I should just stay the course and I will be fine.
I so want to hit the 140's, my body just doesn't apparently.
Have any of you experience long plateaus or extreme slow down in weight loss? Please your expereices are welcome!!!!!!!!
This WLS thing is a true adventure. Just like any adventure, you have times where it is awesome and you feel amazing, then there are time when you just wish you could turn around to the comfort of home, and then there are times when you are scared pooh less.
9 months post op and I can say it has been a roller coaster. The first few months was the big exciting hill, where the weight is coming off and I am screaming hell yeah. Now I am in the boring slow moving time that makes me wonder if this ride will get better.
With being a woman in childbearing years I still have the wonderful monthly cycle to throw some excitement in- water retention, cravings, ect. I am currently greatly stressed at work, which doesn't really help, apparently my band doesn't like stress- it tenses up.
Last week while on vacation, eating each bite was ad adventure in it's self. One morning I wouldn't be able to get anything down but Vitamin Water Zero. Then Lunch would do great, but dinner wouldn't budge. Next day breakfast wondeful, lunch no go, dinner no go. Even though I was chewing well and chosing things that shouldn't have been an issue (baked fish- really should go down). I was also burning between 2400 and 3000 calories a day due to walking close to 8-10 miles daily (Gotta love Disney). Yet, my weight is up 4 lbs when I returned.
The last two days my weight has dropped a half pound a day. Who knows what it will be tomorrow.
WLS really does appear to be an adventure that you must do what the tour guide says ( the doc and NUT) and hold on for dear life. We must look forward to those days when we are feeling the sun on our face and screaming hell yeah with our hands in the air and the days when we are in dark cave and creeping slowly remember that there must be light coming.
Heres to our health adventure!!
I just returned for a wonderful week of warmth and sunshine in Orlando, Florida. This was my first vacation and first time flying since being banded. I talked to my doc before hand about this and she advised to not get a fill and eat and enjoy food, but with in reason.
Last Saturday we had to be at the airport at 3:30, so we got lunch at the airport- first stuck episode. So embarrassing having to run to the public restroom with my hand over my mouth. We got to Florida and I just drank some Vitamin Water Zero (no calorie). First thing the next morning I figured I would go for yogurt for breakfast since I had gotten stuck so bad. Well, I just stuck on the yogurt. Again, Vitamin Water Zero.
Later in the day I was dying for something, so I got some Froyo 120 calorie with protein added. That perked me up. That night after having walked over 22500 steps I really wanted food!! At a nice restaurant I order some grilled fish and that went well- I thought I finally was good.
The week went on and I didn't get through one day without getting stuck at least once. I never knew what would do it.
Yesterday before flying home I wasn't able to eat anything at all. I sucked on ice most of the day and drank a slim fast when I got home.
Today, I have been able to eat cereal, but that is all.
My weight this morning was up by 4 lbs since last Saturday. I am however on my period and since I have eaten out for a week I am sure sodium levels are up. I am not freaking out about the weight being up, just bother by not being able to eat anything.
So I have learned lapband and vacation isn't the best mix, but I will make the best of it, because I don't plan on giving up either.
I love me some Italian food, but Italian food tends to be calorie loaded and heavy. I have been wanting Chicken Alfredo lately, but knew I shouldn't. So I attempted to make it from scratch tonight and it was fabulous. Here is the recipe that I came up with:
Spaggetti Squash cooked in the microwave
4 chicken tenders sautéed in a skillet with olive oil
3 cloves of garlic minced (use more if you like or less)
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
2 tablespoons I Can't Believe it's not Butter
1.5 heaping tablespoons of all purpose flour
1 3/4 cups 2% Milk (you can use 1% I just had 2%)
splash of balsamic vinegar
salt and pepper to taste
1 tablespoon of splenda
put the evoo, butter and garlic in a sauce pan cook on med heat for about 3 min stiring
add the flour and stir until incorporated
add milk and bring to a boil
add salt, pepper, vigegar and splenda and stir
cut heat off and let sit
chop half a bag of baby spinach (I used the ninja chopper I have)
Once chicken is cooked add the sauce (if it is to thick add water to thin it down). Add in spinach and stir. Stread spaggetti squash with a fork add to chicken and sauce and stir.
Eat and enjoy!!
This was a WONDERFUL meal!! The hubs and I both enjoyed it. It was enough for him and myself to eat dinner and have lunch tomorrow (He eat bigger portions than me)
As kids our parents try to teach us need vs want, especially when it comes to things we want them to buy us. But, I think that this applies to every aspect of our life.
When it comes to food, preband I was always about what I wanted to eat, not what I needed. Think about it- how often do you say "hey, what do you need to eat" when are are getting ready to cook dinner- you don't, instead you ask "what do you want to eat".
I have come to the point where I must ask myself what do I need, not what do I want. Yesterday I wanted a donut, but it wasn't what I needed. I am 32 years old, it's time I grow up and become more about what I need instead of what I want.
So what do I need when it comes to intake:
Water (my body needs hydration to stay healthy and in balance)
Protein (this is food for my muscles, my heart is a muscle and it needs this)
Veggies and Fruit (balance baby- our digestive system will be the better for these)
Good Carbs (again, balance carbs are energy food, but we need the good ones, not bad)
Good Fats (yes, we do need fat, but the good ones not the artery clogging ones)
Like we were taught in school we need a balance. A balanced intake is a healthy one. I am finding that the longer I am on the journey my needs and wants are coming together. I crave the healthy protein, I want the fruit, I would fight you for my water. I have become a spinich aholic- it gets added to much of what I eat- so healthy yet sooo good. The other day I ate some fast food chicken strips- one- it KILLLED my tummy. My body is adjusting to the healthy life and doesn't like the bad stuff anymore- how great is that.
I am just 9 months into this journey, I am only 54 lbs down and wish I was more; but boy do I look forward to continuing this journey. It's not the diets of the past, this one is evolving and making me better as I go. It's not one I want to jump off of and go back to old ways.
So, I am now looking at what my body needs and I will endulge my wants in my sexy new clothes my healthy body needs!!
In the WLS journey we will meet all sorts of people: negitive nellies, debbie downers, encouragers, motivators, ect. We will find people at all stages who tell us we are making a mistake, or we will not succeed or we will gain it all back. Then we will find people who will encourage and motivate us to continue on the journey and keep working hard.
However, I think the worst enemy we run accross is ourselves. I have long know that I was my worst enemy. I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. For many years though I took a break from honestly looking at my weight. Once I did confront it and realize where I was and I had to do something about it, I have been really hard on myself. Maybe I don't forgive myself for allowing me to get to the 240's.
Now I am always second guessing myself- as I losing enough, what am I doing wrong, did I eat to much, did I eat enough. Honestly, the first months weren't to bad, the weight easily melted off and it was a true honeymoon period. Now, I am in the trenches fighting for ever ounce. I am always asking myself, am I drinking enough, am I eating to much - to little, am I moving enough. Can I, Will I?
The bottom line is I, me, myself is the ONLY one who can make this journey a success or failure. My doctor and NUT want me to succeed, hey it only makes them look good. The negitive people want me to fail. However, I am the only one with the power to do it or not. I must make the decisions to eat as I am told, to eat better higher quality foods, to move more and sit less.
There are people on this site that have done nothing short of AMAZING!! Amazing isn't a strong enough word here. I mean Missy- come on- 200 lbs in a little over a year- WOW that is fantastic. Carolina girl- 100lbs in 9 months- fabulous. Then there are the people on here that complain about the band not working or questioning is it okay to eat a whole pizza or did they just hurt their band by doing it. Then there are people, that I count myself in, that are trucking along- that aren't having grand losses, but aren't gaining either.
I have to say I am the one to blame for not doing as well as some. While I do move more than I did, I don't move as much as I could. When I got home yesterday, I should have taken my fat hind parts and hit the elliptical- instead I took it to the chair and relaxed due to a exhausting day at work. Those are the days when I need someone to slap my hind parts and tell me to get the h$%% up and MOVE.
I also am not as strick in my food as others. I was afraid that if I cut certain things out of my diet (carbs) that I would certainly relapse to being over weight. I wanted to hit a balance of eating anything I want just not as much. Well, that has worked pretty good (lost 50+ lbs), but I am starting to think after a 3 month SLLLLLOOOOOWWWW down in loss that I may have to reevaluate the situation. What can I cut or what can I cut more than I have. Like I said I am the only one with the power and I must enforce it.
I know that I will be to the point I am no longer obese and I believe I will get out of or at least to the low over weight BMI range, but I will do it in time. I will not do it in year, but by the 3 year post op mark I want to be in the wonderful 140's or at the least 150-155.
I have the power to do this- I just have to use the force!! May the force be with you to!!
Last Friday was my 9 month anniversary with my band. My journey began last year about this time with the seminar and me trying to figure out if I was ready to make this step. I quickly decided that the band was best for me and began jumping through all the hoops to make it happen.
June 22,2012 was surgery day at 244 lbs!! The surgery went great and the following months were great. It seemed I was loosing between 5-7 lbs a month. In Dec. 2012 I was finally below the 200lb mark, my first big goal hit in 6 months.
3 months later and I am still sitting in the 190's and getting frustrated. I have toned some, which has gotten me in a size 14 summer clothes, which feels nice. Yet, I still keep jumping around in the 190's. Two weeks ago I saw the 190's for the first time, then it bounced right back up to 194. I saw it again last weekend, then boom back up to 193's where I was last week, yesterday 191, today back up 192.5.
My doctor says all this is normal. Plateaus are expected and we just have to keep moving to break them, it will just take time.
The only health issue that had begun to creep up on me before surgery was my blood pressure. Which has nicely come down and is now perfect. All other labs are perfect. I wear a size 14. Yet, I still want more.
I slide on my 14 shorts and my large T-shirt and I still see the big girl in the mirror. I know I am smaller, but I want more. My BMI still has me well into the obese range. I have to lose 30 more lbs to be in "just" the over weight zone. While the 1st 50 lbs came off realively easy, apparently the next 50 are going to come only by a tooth and nail fight.
I have spend the weekend being introspective, looking at myself and what I do and don't do. I must find a balance in my life that will get me to my goal and keep me there. I am not a lover of exercise, I'm just not. But, I do need to find more ways in my life to move more, which I have, but now I need to step it up even more.
I had been pretty much eating much of the same things as pre surgery (I was never as much an unhealthy eater as I was a big eater). Now, I think I must start looking at things that I can cut from my diet, such as cutting, at least, back on carbs. I do try and stick with healthy carbs, but hopefully my triming even those down I can get these next few lbs off.
This coming week will be a big test for me. The hubs and I are headed of to Disney for a week vacation. We both need a break from our jobs and in general life. While I am looking forward to the experience I know there will be a lot of food challenges. My doctor told me to try and not stress to much about it, that I would be burning a lot of calories moving around the parks and I would need more calories than normal. She said to remember to keep portion sizes low, make good choices and have fun.
I am hoping that the extra movement, the destressing and the trying to eat healthy will help slide me out of the 190's. I've spend 3 month's here and I am ready to leave.
Okay so I am going to be totally 100% honest here on what lapband has meant to me:
1- A chance to like how my body looks.
2- A chance to shop in the "normal" section.
3- A chance to be healthy as I age.
4- A chance to take my life back.
5- A chance to learn.
I know many of these are vain, but it's the truth. I mean be honest here, who doesn't want to look in the mirror and go damn I look good- or at the least look in the mirror and go uh, I look pretty good. For the ladies out there, I am sure you will agree- it's nice to lose weight and see that little glimmer of somethin' somethin' in your significant other's eye. I want to be sexy for my hubs and have him be proud of what I look like on the outside as he is about what is on the inside. And, yes, dang it- it feel darn good to be able to buy clothing the size doesn't have a W attached.
I am 32 now and while I was healthy when I had surgery with no health issues and rarely ever needed a doctor- I knew that those days were numbered. I knew it time I would likely end up diabetic like my dad, or with heart issues like my brother and grandfather or any other major health problems. I wanted to insure that as I age I can do it in a healthy manner.
As far as taking my life back, I had come to the point where I realized food ruled my life. My co-workers and I would spend an hour in the mornings discussing and deciding on where we would go for lunch. I ate crap and would feel like crap. I would over eat and have horrible indigestion and stomach cramps that would make me feel aweful. I wanted to rule my food, not it ruling me.
Leaning- I think I will always be a learner/researcher. I love to read and study- I could be a professional student if I had enough money. I have read a lot of health, food, calories- basically how our bodies work. I like understanding things better. Now I know if I would have know some of this earlier, boy it would have made a difference. The way I look at food and what I put in my body is totally different. But, will I ever eat something totally decadent and sinfully calorie loaded again - yep. Being honest here- I fully intend on having some Red Velvet Cheesecake Factory Cheese cake for my anniversary. The difference in pre and post band - that cheese cake slice will not all be eaten by me and it will now follow a huge equally calorie loaded meal and it will not take place multiple time of year. This is not about restricted myself for everything I love, it's about a balance between over doing ( which was what I did before ) and driving myself crazy with restrictions.
This journey is going to be long, God willing, (the rest of my life). Everyday is a choice, every meal is a choice - I am the only one to blame or pat on the back for my choices because they are MINE. I want all the things that the band gave me a chance at, but the only way I am going to achieve it is if I do my part. The only person I can cheat is myself.