Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

Blogs

Our community blogs

  1. QponL8y

    • 1
      entry
    • 0
      comments
    • 14
      views

    Recent Entries

    I'm a 46 year-old mother/wife with four children. The youngest turning 7 this year. I suffered from gestational diabetes during that pregnancy, but none of the others. Maybe being 39 at the time had something to do with it.  I've been struggling with weight gain since 2011. Although, I haven't really done anything about it. Mostly complain and avoid my reflection. Over time with everyday stresses from work and home, I have been taking Zoloft. I had been considered pre-diabetic for several years, but about a year ago was finally put on diabetic medication: Metformin. Only taking one per day.  

    Taking it didn't make me feel any different and being in denial, I guess, I felt like I didn't need it. Along with the weight gain, diabetes diagnosis, I've also been dealing with pre-menopausal stuff (maybe?) and my vision seems to be deteriorating. I've gone from occasionally using reading glasses to actually needing them to read more and more. I was also recently diagnosed with IBS, which has become more of a consistent issue that I have to deal with on an almost daily basis. With the increased stress of declining health, Wellbutrin is now part of my medicinal arsenal.

    I started looking into and considering bariatric surgery in October 2017 and have finally decided the surgery is needed as part of my determination to get healthy again.

     

  2. Well, it looks like I've met all my requirements!  Woooo!  I see the surgeon next Thursday, and I'll be ready for him to send all the info off for insurance approval.  This is very exciting!  I hope that he'll set a date for my surgery at that point...

    I'm going to start slowly buying things I know I'm going to need after my surgery; today I ordered a "fancy" scale (which was an affordable off-brand, but which I have read is accurate) and some leggings (since my pants are already falling off me).  My biggest problem is that I'll really get into something then GO ALL OUT and buy everything I need for it in one go... and then I'm broke for weeks until I build my finances back up.  So I'm working on doing it slowly, just getting one or two things that I can afford within my budget for the week.  I am pretty excited about this - it seems like this surgery is not only going to improve my weight, it may also force me into healthy habits that I wasn't expecting, like practicing self-control and discipline.  I already feel the improvements, I'm making positive changes in my behavior.

    My mother is also obese and would like to have the surgery, but she is now 66 (in a youthful way, though), and I hear that some doctors won't operate on older folks.  My surgeon does sometimes take older patients, depending on the patient.  I hope my mom gets the help she needs, it would be good for her, a diabetic, to make such a change - I want her to be around a lot longer.

  3. Matt Z
    Latest Entry

    Just not feeling "it" this week.  I'm exhausted, not sleeping well, feeling really run down, drained.  I feel fat.  I know I'm not anywhere near as fat as I was, but... I feel fat this week.  Bloated, gross, fat fat fat fat fat.

    My sleep **SUCKS** not sure if it's the weight loss changing my CPAP pressure requirements, or something else all together.  I don't want to have to get another sleep study, because they blow, but I know I need some follow up.  Not looking forward to yet another medical bill.

    Work sucks this week too, a shop of 5, reduced to 2.  really 1 and a half since it's just me and my team lead, and my team lead has to do all the leadership / team lead stuff... so, It's just me, supporting just under 3000 users, on over 2000 computer systems, in 20-30 buildings spread out over all of RI, parts of Mass and CT.  Fun stuff.

    I've been in and out of stalls for almost a month now, more in than out of at this point.  Between Monday and today I'm up 2 lbs... not sure why exactly.  All intake is right where it should  be and I've been in the gym daily.  Not going today, just not feeling it.  Way too tired and drained to even care really.

    Growing tired of this forum again as well.  Which sucks because, well, I do enjoy helping folks out.  Just getting to the point where every question has been answered over and over again, yet almost no one bothers to use the search function first.

    So that's it really... Not a happy Matt at all this week.

  4. Its been soo long since ive done an entry. I think I actually missed my entries and I think that I will continue to blog with the hopes of healing myself and maybe helping someone. so here is a little back story. I had the lapband in  2011 and in 2014 it slipped and I had the gastric sleeve. I developed really bad GERD and in 5/1/2018 I had the gastric bypass. I am still happily married and we actually added a new member to the family I had my daughter 12/26/13 and lord does she keep me on my toes. I have started my own business and which I have opened two stores in one year.

     Now that I have had the gastric bypass I will say that I think this is the best surgery I have had. I will admit I still have to work on the program the dr. has in place for me. I just feel that I have so much to focus on that the plan is like a final exam that I have to continue to work on. I will say  I am committed to losing the weight and finally reaching my goal and come my 7Th wedding anniversary next year I will be on a beach and proud of the body and the person I have become thought out this journey.

    Unit tomorrow

     

  5. I haven't posted here since the beginning, just starting to come back here to see what is up.  It's been a busy year for me.  I've been pretty focused on work and my life changes.  I feel so blessed, my surgery went well and my results so far are fantastic.  I have lost 120 pounds and I have 16 to go to hit my personal goal....I will still keep up my eating plan and exercise so if it goes lower than that so be it.  I have not had any complications so far, no hair loss...  The weight has been steadily coming off with a few stalls here and there.

    I think the key to my success thus far has been realizing that while this surgery is helping me, its still up to me.  It's taken sticking to the plan, getting the right foods in and exercising pretty much daily.  I know that is something that I will have to do the rest of my life and if it keeps me feeling as fantastic as I feel right now...that will never be an issue for me.  I don't ever want to go back to the way things were before.

    I'm so thankful that I was able to get this surgery, I wish that it was available to all who need it...it has literally saved my life. 

     

    Cheers!  

     

  6. #MagicWithinme
    Latest Entry

    Yesterday I had an appointment for a fill. The last one I had 1/2 cc was 8 weeks ago after a 2 year hiatus. At this time, I have 3.6,  I had been told that 2 ccs were already in band when I started . Twice, twice, I got it up to 3ccs and had to take everything out and start all over. Yesterday  hubby came with me, and Dr. would ask me questions and talk to me but all the whole while looking at my hubby. He felt that my band was restricting and that I just had to change my diet habits to accommodate. Talking about diets, and showing him the diagrams of the stomach. I even said at one point,touched my husband's arm and said  I like how you are looking at him, since he is the cook. he kind of chuckled but still kept looking at husband. I had gone alone before and it was fine, but it was soo weird. I'm hispanic hubby anglo, My cousin thought maybe I looked like the little submissive wife or something. So no more fills for me for awhile and hubby has a new admirer?

    • 1
      entry
    • 1
      comment
    • 73
      views

    Recent Entries

    The Wizard
    Latest Entry

    These are my first notes after bariatric sleeve surgery.

    I had my surgery just about a month ago. I generally feel very good. It takes some time to learn how to eat again. Small meals, more often. Eat slow. Eat little. Don't force yourself. If you eat too fast, or are not careful, or you don't think while you eat, you can get in trouble (you'll get reflux, feel like throwing up, but just walk around for a few minutes and it will go away as you digest.)

    The first few days after the surgery were tough. Hard to eat, hard to drink. Now it's a lot better. It took probably a week to get to a satisfactory level and feel normal. Just bear with it because it gets a lot better.

    If I can give a suggestion to those of you who are going to go through the surgery, is one: be very rested. I made the mistake of sleeping only 3-4 hours the night before the surgery, and after the surgery I felt awful. In addition, the hospital did not have a room for me, and I spent overnight in the recovery room. That did not help. I had to stay at the hospital a second night because of that. Make sure you are rested and you have a room. You need to rest after surgery.

    Since the surgery, I have lost an average of 1 lb per day. Fantastic! I have not exercised a lot yet, but I started doing something the past couple of weeks. I am sure as I shed more weight I will start working out more seriously, or at least move. Just walking every day for half hour would be enough for the first few months.

    Good luck to you all. Believe in it! Don't get discouraged. I can see why everyone told me that it would change my life. I can already see it as I am wearing 2-size smaller jeans today.

  7. 10 years ago I started my Journey......and it continues....:rolleyes:

    I had a lap band done July 2008, I was 255 lbs.  I was a single mother with a 7 year old daughter.  I was so excited that this option was available to me!  Something that wasn't crazy as a gastric bypass (don't get me wrong I have been in the medical field for over 20 years, so I researched this immensely.  I thought this was the best option).  Something that would hold me accountable for the food I put in my mouth and the amount.  At first, that's exactly what happened.  I could hardly eat anything, let alone drink.  I had found my tool that I had been needing my whole life! Just an FYI, I ramble, start to think about something else and then want to put it down!  I apologize in advance if my thoughts roam!  My lap band was more an emotional battle then anything, it's crazy to think that really this whole overeating and what we eat really comes from our brain (at least for me this is what it is!).  I lost weight, it was great, I was getting healthier and getting to a smaller size!  2 years into my band journey I met my now husband and was under 200 pounds.  I went in for my fills and could never get to that sweet spot.  Just never felt the restriction like I thought I would have with it.  About 4 years in I started to have severe issues with reflux, couldn't even lay down at night it would come up through my nose and BURN!  Not good.  I ended up going to another surgeon as I had moved and he immediately emptied my band and made sure there wasn't any damage done.  We tried to go from ground zero refilling back up but never worked.  It failed.  I took it as I had failed yet again!!!  I still have the band in and it still has a fill, but there is no restriction.  Just certain foods don't go down well and I vomit still a lot.  So done of having this in my body.

    I am now back to my pre lap band weight and so frustrated.

    My insurance has finally changed to Federal BCBS and am excited that I have the opportunity to get the lap band out and go forward with a revision to a Gastric Sleeve.  I am super anxious about this, I am now 10 years older and just want to be healthy and be able to live the life that I want and deserve to! :489_motorcycle:

    Right now just waiting on my approval.  The office said 2-3 weeks, today is 3 weeks plus 1 day.  I am ready.  Planned my out of pocket, ready to get work off.  Just ready to move on.  

    Bring on the liquid diet!!!  At least I know what's going to be coming with this.  What protein shakes are ok (never great) and which ones are absolutely undrinkable!  Stocking up on my broth and sugar free popsicles! :395_shaved_ice:

    Any encouragement or anyone who has been through what I have and had a revision to the sleeve I would love to hear your comments!  Am I making the right choice this time???  This WILL be the last gastric surgery I have so it BETTER work! LOL (kinda laughing manically..... :o)  I know what I am getting into emotionally and have faith in my Heavenly Father, so I am prepared!

    Go with God! :1355_pray_tone1:

    2nd Verse, Same as the First :954_notes:

    url%5D

  8. I honestly cannot believe that I'm writing this post from the losers' bench. It feels surreal that I have new anatomy. Tiny house anatomy. Downsized anatomy. Is it possible?

    Then, I just have to laugh. Reading back over all my posts leading up to surgery, I think, "OMG, what a goober and worrywort!" In the end, God "had this," just as he has everything in my life. So why do I spend so much wasted energy worrying? Inconceivable! ;)

    My main worry right now is that I have been eating too much for my time frame. I hear all around me from the people who had surgery at the same dang time, that they are struggling to get water in and to eat more than 2 or 3 bites of food at a meal. They struggle to get 1/4c of food per meal. And then here I am...I can take 3 consecutive BIG sips of about 1/2oz each, back to back before I have to set my water down for a minute. I can polish off a 16.9oz water in about 5 minutes. I kid you not! :) I can down 11oz of Premier Protein in about the same amount of time if I put my mind to it. I drink 120oz of fluid a day and am so thankful that I have no hydration worries. But the food...now that worries me. I can easily eat 3/4c of food right now at 4weeks. That my friends is: 2oz of lean protein + 1oz of cooked veggies. Yikes! Double Yikes!

    So I had my 4week check up with the surgeon and she says I'm doing great--following a very similar progression as her other patients. She would prefer if my quantity was more like 1/2c rather than 3/4cup right now and that maybe my protein would be more like 1 1/2oz per serving and 1/2oz of veggies to 1oz of veggies. It is actually possible in the early days while we're healing to stretch our new anatomy. And she really does not want me to do that, so she said to go by volume, and use the same bowl to eat all my meals so that I know and keep my volumes consistent. Even though, I'm slightly behind the curve for weight loss, she's proud of my progress. I got released to start working out with weights and swimming. And, she doesn't need to seem for 2 months! Woot!

    I also followed up with my RD and have another appointment to see her next month. The RD concurred with everything the doc said and told me to add fiber and texture into my diet. She told me to cut back on the "meat lube," the stuff that makes meats go down easier (low carb/low fat/low calorie gravies and sauces). She also told me to go back to eating al dente veggies rather than veg that's cooked to beyond hell. And I get to add salads slowly! And nuts and seeds! Woot!!! She believes that will help me get in touch with my pouch so that it communicates better and that it will make it easier to be satisfied with 1/2c of food per meal. Oh and it's been 20lbs since I last saw her and she can really tell. She told me to buy some new pants--mine are ridiculously big!

    So it's now 5weeks post op and I've spent the last week putting all the advice into place. I can say both the doc and RD were spot on target with their advice! Eating lean meats, prepared in a low fat manner makes all the difference in the world with satiety. I'm pretty easily satisfied with 1 1/2oz or 2oz of protein. If I eat 2oz, then I may only eat 1 or 2 small forks of veg cuz that's 1/2c right there. But if I eat 1 1/2oz of meat, that leaves room for 1/2oz of veg. The added texture is the key to satiety! Who knew? And I'm eating spinach salad and reveling in it! I've always loved my veggies, but dang me! I am jonesing and excited for salads!

    I'm so pleased with the outcome of the surgery. I'm losing about 3lbs per week--which is entirely average! Yeeeehawwww! I'm on a pace to lose about 16-17lbs this month. Holy cow, I've never lost that much weight in a month before! I can feel my bones! Going poopy and wiping my huge arse is so simple. So is showering, shaving my legs, putting on toenail polish, fixing my hair, doing my make-up, standing to cook, clean and fold clothes. It feels good to be living life again--even all the mundane tasks so many of us take for granted. I love that Mr. F. takes my hand and walks with me when we go out and he says he's proud of me and how hard I'm working.

    I wish I'd done this years ago. It's by far the easiest surgery and recovery I've ever experienced.

    • 0
      entries
    • 0
      comments
    • 133
      views

    No blog entries yet

  9. Surgery was harder than I expected.  My IV was a problem, and due to this, I was not getting my pain meds correctly for the afternoon following surgery.  My evening nurse figured it out at the start of of her shift when she did the once-over.  The pain before that was significant, so much so that I just didn't interact with any of my visitors.  I literally just laid in bed with my eyes closed and listened to everyone talk. 

    Once everyone left, and the new nurse took over, she put in a new IV and that first dose of morphine made my eyes roll back in my head.  I was allowed to have it about every hour, but only required morphine doses about every 3 hours.  Had surgery Wednesday morning, was home by Friday evening.  Today is Sunday, and I feel pretty good today.  I didn't have a BM from Tuesday until today.  That really sucked for sure.  I don't like dealing with constipation, but it is a common side effect.

    I am having a hard time getting all my food in.  I just am not hungry.  I am enjoying the soups, though, really enjoying them and also the yogurt.  I am getting my water in just fine, though.  Time for dinner.  I need to upload my before pics.

  10. Marie88

    • 1
      entry
    • 1
      comment
    • 152
      views

    Recent Entries

    Ok, here it goes. Please excuse my spelling or grammar as this is just coming from the heart.  I have been battling my weight my whole life.  I can even remember being called wilson when i was in elementary school.  I later found out it was because I was round like a ball.  Ugh, kids are mean, well adults can be also.  In High School I yo yo'd back and forth.  My self esteem was non existent and unfortunately I let some take advantage of that.  I was or felt like I was always the fat friend, the fat sister, the fat daughter.  The girl with the pretty face if only she could lose the weight.  Which I would and then gain back even more.  I would do this many times over.  Unfortunately for my Husband I met him on a thin year.  I feel so bad, like a duped him sometimes.  But he is by my side and supportive.  We have two little kids that I want to have a healthy Mom.   So all that being said, Today I scheduled my Gastric Sleeve Surgery!  I'm excited and nervous and wish it was sooner.  I'm eager to start my new life style.  February 27th is the big day!   I have lots of my appointments in the coming weeks.  Wish me luck and good luck to all of you on this journey with me. 

    • 1
      entry
    • 1
      comment
    • 162
      views

    Recent Entries

    I am two months from surgery, and it occurs to me that I should start a blog to track my progress through what I hope will be an amazing, life-changing vertical sleeve surgery.  I'm just going to list major milestones for the record.

    • August
      • Seminar with surgeon -- I'm sold!
      • Dietitian #1 (Topic: Introduction)
    • September
      • Dietitian #2 (Topic: Meal Planning)
      • Meeting with surgeon, got binder and "homework" assignments
      • Scheduled all appointments with specialists
      • Blood lab work
      • Radiology exams
    • October
      • Dietitian #3 (Topic: Supplements)
      • Cardio evaluation
      • Sleep study at home
      • Psych consult
      • Endoscopy
    • November
      • Dietitian #4 (Topic: Restaurants)
      • Stress test, echo cardiogram
      • Sleep apnea study at Sleep Center for CPAP 
      • Appt with surgeon, surgery scheduled for 3/14
    • December
      • Dietitian #5 (Topic: Post-op Diet)
      • Osteoarthritis confirmation
    • January
      • Dietitian #6 (Topic: Exercise/Labels)
      • For OA:  4 weeks of physical therapy, 2X per week
      • Started a 21-day arm routine, 2# weights << seriously
      • Stopped drinking wine (sad, LOL)
      • Started dry brushing and exfoliating (hope springs eternal!)
      • Started Biotin
    • February (Planned)
      • Dietitian (one-on-one)
      • Physical therapy, pre-bariatic, 4 weeks, 1X per week
      • Stop drinking coffee
      • Pre-op  with surgeon
  11. If you're like me, you play these little games with yourself - where when you're doing well on losing weight, you tell yourself that you can "afford" something that's not supposed to be on your plan.  Maybe it's a piece of chocolate - something in-control that seems worth it.  For me though, it's not those little tiny things.  It's stuff like deciding to have my morning coffee - which is laden with real sugar and flavored (sugared) creamer.  God I love that stuff.  Yes, I have tried artificial sweetener, but it's not worth it to me - I'd rather just not have the coffee.  So when it's a choice between coffee I'm not into or no coffee at all, I'll choose no coffee.  But when it's a choice between "do I want to do the coffee thing today?" and no coffee, then of course I'll choose yes to the coffee.  It's a really bad way for me start out my day - with all that failure right off the bat.  I did that yesterday.  And then I did a few french fries with dinner (maybe 6?) as I poked at the serving dish out there for everyone else.  Otherwise I did well.  I wanted to do an evening tea before bed, but as I'm sure you can guess, it too is laden with sugar.   I was actually thirsty, so I opted for water instead.  Not nearly as satisfying, but I was able to do it.

    Today I got up and wanted to do coffee again.  MY way.  Except that yesterday was the first time that I actually started to feel some of my weight loss - I kept needing to yank my pants up all day.  What the heck, this is actually WORKING?  So today I said no to the coffee.  Instead, I started with water.  And actually made breakfast instead of it being something that I did later when I was hungry hours after the coffee.  A 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese, a 1/2 cup of mango pieces, and a hard-boiled egg.  That was hours ago, and I'm just now starting to think about having lunch.  It worked!  So I'm off to a great start today.  I also tackled my shower tile, which needed a bunch of scrubbing - specifically because why not burn the calories now - today?  Later I plan to take the dog for a walk if I can tolerate the cold.  20 minutes of yoga is also on the docket.  I'm going to be doing some vacuuming this afternoon, too.  Today feels..... in control.  I'm going to try to have a day like I'm supposed to, and see how that feels.  Because I want to see how getting rid of all of this fat feels, too!

    • 0
      entries
    • 0
      comments
    • 217
      views

    No blog entries yet

  12. Jeanie

    • 1
      entry
    • 0
      comments
    • 230
      views

    Recent Entries

    jls99660
    Latest Entry

    I went for a walk this morning and it felt really nice.  I've never been a fast walker and my short legs take short steps.  So hitting 5000 was a big deal for me.  I was out of breath in the beginning and then realized I wasn't racing anyone.  I took my time and enjoyed the fall weather.  I'm a graduate student and it helped clear my head for a paper I'm writing.  Obviously, not entirely - I still have much work to do.  But progress!  The journey!  All that good stuff.  One of the things that I am most excited about is that I have a history of insomnia and have moments of anxiety (like when I am writing papers.:P   Since surgery, I have not taken any medications for either insomnia or anxiety and I am sleeping well.  That is a big milestone for me, totally unexpected.  I am going to try and weigh myself once a week and will begin taking pictures once a month.  This is really exciting - and scary.  It's life-changing for all of us.  I hope we all achieve our permanent goals!

  13. WGo

    • 1
      entry
    • 1
      comment
    • 265
      views

    Recent Entries

    Golfgal51
    Latest Entry

    Today was my first class.  My husband, my biggest support for 45 years went with me.  The presentation covered the types of surgery, the nutritional needs and the behavior health issues.  I felt good about all the info until the surgeon  that said I may never eat ice cream again!  Kaiser Permanente is very good.  It will take 6 to 8 months of pre suegery work before I finally get the sleeve.  I have my first nutrition appointment next Tuesday and have my mental workup tomorrow morning.   I was a little freaked out about the # of calories you will live on.....I still wonder where you get energy from ?  Things to ask The nutritionist.  Later friends

     

     

  14. I wanted to lay out just what I've had to push through to get to the bariatric surgery.  I don't want to scare anyone - because the list looks (and somewhat feels) overwhelming.  However, all the appointments are made in order to make sure that I'm healthy enough to do this surgery.  And I'll say that visiting each doctor - especially as I approach 50 - has wound up being reassuring, above all.  I've always been plagued with aches and pains my entire life - mostly joint problems.  Most of my physical issues aren't serious - just really freaking annoying.  Arthritis, cysts, bursitis, tendonitis, allergies, asthma, sinus issues, GERD, hearing loss, etc.  So, every day it seems like something, and sometimes it can affect my lifestyle.  But overall, it's nothing that makes my health poor in medical terms.  And even those things, I've tried to fix.  My point here is that hearing that my heart is in great shape and my lungs are perfect and my blood pressure and blood tests and my Pap smear and mammogram all look great - well, that's terrific news!  It means all the issues my body has right now are more inconvenience rather than dangerous.  And even the inconvenient issues I pay attention to - in order to keep myself healthy and my quality of life good.

    Anyway,..... here's the list of appointments and procedures I've had in order to get to point of being cleared for bariatric surgery:

    1. Primary Care Physician - for physical.  Also to get the referral to my bariatric surgeon.  This visit included blood work (CBC, CMP, TSH, PT/PTT) and urinalysis, which wound up being needed for the bariatric surgery anyway.  Two birds, one stone.
    2. Bariatric Surgeon - for discussion on surgery
    3. Mammogram
    4. Gynecologist - for well woman visit and Pap smear
    5. Pulmonologist - initial meeting
    6. Pulmonologist - giving them the chip to my CPAP machine, and taking a breathing test.  Resulted in clearance from pulmonologist for surgery
    7. Cardiologist.  EKG, cardiologist clearance for surgery
    8. Nutrition Assessment, 6 months supervised diet with hospital nutritionist*
    9. Upper GI with double contrast
    10. Primary Care Physician Clearance

    * The 6 months of nutritionist counseling was a requirement of my insurance

    I am currently working on items #10 and #11.  I anticipate that taking another few weeks - likely by the end of October.  Then I should be able to go back to the bariatric surgeon for review, and to schedule the surgery.

    The week before surgery, I need to go on a zero carb diet - in order to shrink my liver, which makes laproscopic surgery possible.

    Then it should be about a week or so off work (I'll just take vacation days), and then back to work.  Hopefully I'll have this done before Thanksgiving, although I'm fine with whatever date it's done by.

    And that's where I'm currently at!  I have two kids still living at home, as well as two that are grown and doing their own thing.  My one child in particular has a lot of my joint issues (and is a little, thin thing - which just goes to show that this stuff is hereditary).  She's had tons of doctor's visits and physical therapy visits during the time period I've been doing all my own doctor's appointments.  She also goes to counseling occasionally and also needs to see the orthodontist every 3-4 weeks.  That's a ton of time spent on doctor's visits!  The only way I can even see being able to get this all done is because I work 2-3 days per week at home, and can just schedule the doctor's visits on those days.  I have NO.IDEA how someone who didn't have that luxury would be able to get all these appointments in - especially if they were super heavy and had a difficult time getting around.  It makes me think there must be tons of people out there who would really benefit from this kind of surgery who can't get it - because they lack the time, ability, money and fortitude to keep going on this wheel for a while.  This has been hard for me - and I have all those things available to me.  But I guess where there's a will, there's a way, right?

  15. I keep hearing that Rachel Platten song on the radio, and I know that i need to start working on my inspirational playlist to get me through the next few months, or maybe even years. But each time I hear one of the songs I want to add to my playlist i start to cry, ugh, why am I so emo?

    I am pre-op, 4 months in to my 6 month appointments quota for insurance approval. Nutritionist and Psych eval booked. Cardiology work up done, and A-ok, and no sleep study needed. I am genuinely huge. In my eye, I am an exceptionally large woman. I know that most times I am the largest person in a room. I get anxious now when i eat out, what if there are only booths? 

    Its so cliché to say that I have been fat my whole life, so I wont say that. Specifically I have been fat since the 3rd grade. I changed schools and was genuinely and cruelly bullied for 4 years. I was molested by a neighbor when I was 7-8 years old, and he liked to remind me of it once and awhile when I played with my friends in the neighborhood, my parents didn't believe me. I had a mental breakdown at 12, and was nearly hospitalized. Instead they opted for drugs and a child Psychiatrist. I tried to live on cucumbers to lose weight, it worked for awhile. When I was 13, I actually looked cute in a bathing suit. That was the last time lol, I ever looked cute in a bathing suit. Home life was terrible. I had a Mother, who was morbidly obese, with severe untreated mental illness (it was very taboo in the 80's, and hard to get treatment for regular people), and a father that was an enabler to her abusiveness. Her depression and food addiction left her ill equipped to be a parent, and my father worked all the time to put food on the table, so he couldn't really step in. I grew up quick, taking as best care of my little sister as I could, working as much as I could (had a job at 14), and trying to be positive. I knew there was a better life for me out there, in the great unknown. I lived in a bustling metropolitan area, where opportunities abounded! So I thought....

    I fell in love with Mr. Completely wrong at 18, and messed up college. Got an office job, that eventually evolved in to a position at a bank, where my met my ex husband and baby daddy, who was in the Navy at the time. My insecurity, and low self worth permitted me to overlook major flaws and marry him. We divorced, and I moved back to the East coast, my home. I am now remarried, and in a much healthier relationship. 

    I have always been big, but in the last 4 years I have gained upwards of 70 pounds. My mobility is shot. I have fallen twice spraining my ankles, tearing ligaments and tendons, which makes my ankles tender and sore when I walk.  My hips and plantar fascilitis in feet make walking like walking on coals. So pain = sitting, and sitting = weight gain, and you multiply this by my age, and add a few more comorbidities, you die in a chair, connected to an oxygen machine, like my mother. I don't want to die in a chair, after wasting away for years.

    My insecurities are like a cancer. It eats away at everything. I know having WLS isn't a panacea for all my life's challenges, but perhaps if I am not largest gal in the room, and I felt like I belonged in this world, somewhere, I could be on a pathway to happiness. I just want to fit. Fit in a chair, fit in clothes from a regular store, omg, i want to fit in a kayak so bad, hee hee. I get stared at, looked up and down, and the worst, simply ignored.  I just know that a picture of my @ss is going to show up as a graphic image on one of those local news segments on morbid obesity, or some video clip of me walking down the street (from shoulders down of course), because I don't have a face, I am not a person anymore in society's eye.

    Its not going to be easy, its already not easy, but it's time. I pray for the strength to use this tool the best I can, and heal myself of my hurts and find hope in a new life.....

  16. Tashah
    Latest Entry

    I'm having surgery in the morning, I'm excited and freaked out.  

  17. My blog is in the 'about' comments

    • 1
      entry
    • 2
      comments
    • 259
      views

    Recent Entries

    My Laparoscopic Sleeve Gastrectomy was performed on Wednesday 9/2717. Post op I had my wife Ellen and family with me. I spent the day just recovering in the hospital. Thursday morning, still groggy, I did a swallow test with contrast in hospital; all looked good. Later that morning, the PA brought me three 1 oz cups of water and asked I take 30 minutes sipping them.  Then three more over the next 30 minutes. Vitals were normal and IV removed later that morning. Prescriptions sent to my pharmacy and went home early afternoon.  Going back to see the surgeon next week in office as a follow up.

    I am now following Dr. Garber's first month meal plan. Goal is 64 ounces of water sipped throughout the day and 60 grams of protein a day. Guidance was if I got heartburn or pressure it means slow down. Sip, not swallow, and try to stay at 1 oz per ten minutes before taking more water. Thursday my protein intake was all basically Muscle Milk - strawberry - I hated the chocolate.

    Friday, most of the morning and afternoon, I again stayed with strawberry protein and either Fiji water or Lipton diet decaf iced tea. Last meal Friday I braved three ounces of poached chicken breast, a pinch of salt and white pepper, chopped fine with an immersion blender with a touch of cottage cheese for creaminess and enough chicken broth to get the finer texture I wanted. Wasn't that bad. Guidance was pureed food or chopped super fine. 

    Took pain killers as prescribed and nausea meds too just to keep any pain or nausea at bay Thursday and Friday. Popped a Gas-x chewable when the heartburn reared its head.  Looking forward to Saturday.

    Three meals daily  

    • 4oz low fat yogurt or cottage cheese, or a scrambled/poached egg
    • 3 ounces chicken or fish. Guidance was go with dark meat it is more likely to be more tender and moist than a breast
    • 3 ounces chicken or fish. My wife Ellen poaches the chicken in chicken broth which I can also drink as part of my 64 ounces of water.

    If protein is under 60 grams add protein drink to the day.

    Guidance was to always wait 30 minutes after a meal before returning to sipping hydration liquids.

    What are you eating, cooking your first weeks post surgery?

  18. Today I am back on the blog after four years! I lost a total of 87 pounds and about 2/3 of that weight came off after the gastric sleeve in 2012.  i wanted to give an update, a cautionary tale and maybe a not-so-depressing perspective of one who has not been a weight loss success.  

    Busyness and stress has always been my enemy when it comes to weight loss.  It often takes me by surprise and whisks away any structure and success I have built into my life.  One day I am doing well and eating and exercising and then BAM! It all goes out the window.  Even my house gets messy and cluttered during those times of extreme stress and time pressure.  I work a job that is not just 9-5 so I take much of my work home, I work from home often and get extreme deadlines like grant applications etc.  

    Before I initially lost weight before surgery, was a very busy time, but I put the accountability of a structured weight loss program into my schedule.  This is the only way I initially lost 30 pounds at the beginning.  I also started working out with a trainer. Although it is the cost of a vacation every year, I need it to be successful.

    When I had the weight loss surgery, I had quit my stressful administrative job and was in a window of time less busy (even though I was working).  All went well with my weight loss after surgery (even though  slow as was my history of weight loss) until I started a new job.  Once the stress of the job was getting to me, I stopped the morning walks and began to eat more frequently and less clean.  A bad case of pneumonia and 40 days of steriods, further put me back and I gained weight. Now,  I am facing some serious foot pain from plantar fascitis, nothelped by weight gain.

    All this downhill trend happened as my career has blossomed.  However, if truth be told, I prefer a healthy body to work success.  

    Looking back, I am humbled by the setback and have felt moments of panic.  However, something in me has shifted as I ponder my failure.  All in all, I am still down over 50 pounds from my initial weight (228 from 282).  Although the failure of weight gain from 194 hits me in the face, I have come to a gentler self-assessment and I like myself better than ever.  I can now look in the mirror and feel okay about my curves.  I lost a bit from my highest weight regain (240) although it has taken a year to take off.  

    So, all this to say, count your blessing and jump back in.  Love yourself in the process and never give up.  If I had given up, I would easily be 300 pounds.  I am now concentrating on getting back to the losing mode and it is workomg...slowly.  Limiting to 3 small meals and 2 small snacks if needed, drinking a lot but separating from food, doing some exercise every day and finding joy in the process. For me, finding joy includes time with my loved ones and having quiet time as I pursue God in my life...I am even going back to some ballroom dance classes.  Dance on everyone!

    I wish the best for all of you!  Tell me your story...I love to read them.

     

  19. 120Cassy
    Latest Entry

       So, today I changed my goal weight to 10 lbs higher than it was before. But ,I honestly don't know what my goal weight should be. If I base it off the BMI scale it should be between 125lbs and 140lbs based on my height and frame. The lowest recorded weight in my adult years after losing weight from being over 200lbs was 168lbs. I was still very overweight, people who weren't use to me being thin thought I was skinny- but I wasn't. I was just smaller than what they were use to seeing on me. I added the 10lbs because 125lbs I realize is my fantasy weight and I'm only thinking of it without the added weight of the muscle I want to eventually build. So maybe 135lbs is a good weight for me to look and feel how I want? 

       Ok, so here is what I am going for: I don't want to be fat. I want to be light and unbothered by possibly being overweight if I gain 10lbs. I don't want to be on the high end of my weight scale. I prefer to be on the lower end. I'm not looking to be boobalicious, bootylicious, or anything. I will lift weights and stair master the hell out of my body to get the muscular fit look I want. I also do not want to be sickly looking.

    As of now I don't even know how to count my success at my surgery. I am 22 days post op and down almost 20lbs... almost. I was 219.8 on the day of surgery and as of today on a (hopefully accurate) Sunbeam analog home scale I weighed 201.5lbs. I don't know if I am properly doing my puree stage. I eat mozzarella string cheese rolled up with prosciutto because it makes me feel better. I wasn't feeling good at all with just broths and soups. So I think I might've advanced myself. My surgeon said it was okay and everyone is different so I don't know why I keep comparing myself to others. I think its because I feel I'm overeating. Although I'm counting my protein, calories, etc on Myfitnesspal;  I barely reach 1000 calories in a day, but I'm so used to feeling stuffed by overeating and thats how it feels when I stuff my pouch with protein and or water. I haven't figured out my pouch ounce gauge and I tend to drink liquids to excess, as if I can. Ugh....I need work on this- I know. Portion size estimation is my weakness and I now know this. I have to now measure everything, but I keep forgetting when taking up my food. Thankfully I have a follow up NUT appointment soon to discuss these issues I'm having regarding portion size. I will also discuss goal weight with my surgeon or nurse practitioner so I can have a semi clearly defined goal for myself. This is more soul searching than I thought it would be. Thank goodness I have a bariatric therapist to discuss these things with too. 

     

    So now I'm curious to know,  what is your goal weight and how did you come by that number?

    How did you figure out your push gauge in the first month? Did it feel like you were overeating although you were barely eating anything?

    I really do hope someone reads this and chimes in, because this is something I'm curious about.

     

     

     

    Till then....

×