Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

So with my surgery getting closer with every day, and now I have hit the 3 month mark, I have been reflecting on a lot of different things. 

One of the most common phrases I find myself saying at the moment, especially to my boyfriend, are things along the lines of: "You'll love it when I am a skinny b***h, imagine how good I will look", or, " if you think I am attractive now, just wait until I am thin". All are extremely toxic, I am aware.

I genuinely saw nothing wrong with what I was saying, but I realised that not only is this a lot of internalised fatphobia, I am also diminishing the love and attraction that my partner has for me now, in this body, MY body. 

His response to me recently brought this home. He said: "I don't know why you keep saying that, because I love how  you are now and I find you f*****g hot as anything, and that won't change with you losing weight". 

It really did shock me, although it shouldn't have. I realised I have just been putting myself down constantly, hoping for this "better me" to come along, and completely disrespecting who I am now. 

I relate a lot of this back to my previous abusive relationship, where even though I was the smallest I have ever been at 12 stone, I was constantly picked on by my ex. He would pinch and poke the 'fat' parts of me, telling me that he couldn't wait to see what I looked like when I was skinny, and saying how he couldn't wait to be able to pick me up and throw me about when I was 'small', always comparing me to women who were slimmer. Even though that was back when I was 17-21 (I am now 27), it has clearly done its damage. 

I need to change this narrative. I need to stop regurgitating the abuse that was put onto me by someone else. I need to learn to appreciate and love my body now, and how far it has gotten me. I need to trust that my boyfriend loves me right now for who I am, and I need to remind myself that I am worthy of that.

Just some musings ❤️