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Failure

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Kime-lou

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I said at the start of this journey failure was not an option. I was not going through this to revert back into old habits.

 

While I haven't totally reverted back, over the last week I have noticed old thoughts and desires coming back into mind.

 

I am not sure if this is because of my exhaustion and busyness of late or what. I had my blood work done this week to see how I am on that front. Seems I am very low on Vit D and my B-12 is low even though I am taking a supplement as is my iron. So I am going back on multiple suppliments and increasing the B12 even though I was already taking the perscribed amount. I know that these things being low can increase my exhaustion level, so I am getting back to taking them right now!

 

My weight is still hanging at 188-189, but I still feel like a failure currently. Last weekend, Mother's Day- which is hard due to losing 3 babies- I went to my mom's for a family dinner. While I made sure there were Kime friendly foods there, there were also some of my fav desserts. I made my mom's fav cookie, which is also mine, Carmel Pecan Crunch. I ate 2 cookies- they were heaven. Then I took some Strawberry Cloud home. My mom's Strawberry cloud is a layer dessert consisting of angel food cake, crushed strawberries and a vanilla pudding/cool whip mixture. Mom does use the no sugar added pudding and cool whip due to my Dad's diabeties. But, still this was a dessert.

Then yesterday a co-worker brought in her famous Pineapple Upside Down cake and I ate a slice. Normally, cake and me don't a long, but for some reason yesterday it gave me no issues. Then last night my hubs and I had some errons to run and some things to pick up so rather than cooking at home and having to clean up we went out to dinner. We needed something fast, which I should know better than that- fast and the band don't mix. We went to Chic-fil-a I order a kids chicken nuggett. (I use to eat two adult Chick nuggets). I ate the 1st nugget and bam- stuck. Took me 20 min in the bathroom to dislodge that sucker. I managed to eat a couple more nuggets and got stuck again so I gave up. I had not gotten stuck that day before that night, so I know it was from trying to eat to fast.

 

But, part of me felt like this was my band telling me I shouldn't be eating this. I know chicken nuggets aren't exactly health food, but I haven't had them in forever and really wanted them and I did opt for a smaller size. Maybe I am just trying to justify my choice.

 

The first of the week my weight bounced up to 190 and then back down to the 188-189 marks.

 

The failure feeling come in that I am 11 months post of next Wednesday. I have gone from 244 to 188, while I am happy 56 lbs is gone, I still feel like a failure and I should have lost much more by this point. All the negitive things people told me before banding are swirling around in my head- "you will only lose half of you excess weight, if you want to lose more do gastric", "you should just do gastric, you will lose more", "your to fat for the band", "why do this, you will just gain it back", "you've always been big why change now". Yes, people said that to me, which pissed me off at the time, but now I am feeling like they were right. I know it's great that 56 lbs is gone and I have kept it off. It took 4 months for me to lose 10 lbs- that is so ridiculas.

 

Many people on this site who had surgery at the same time as me have weight still melting off, so it's hard when the doctor tells me this is natural this far out for the loss to slow. I realize I should not compair myself to others, but it is hard not to. I am second guessing myself, wondering if I should just stop worrying about and live, if I lose more fine, if not fine. I didn't want to get to that point until I got to the 150's, which is almost 40 lbs away. I don't want to gain anything back, but I feel like if I don't lose more it still makes me a failure.

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Hello, I feel your pain, and can identify with so much of what you wrote, I am not even 3 months out, have not had a fill yet and continually mess up. I had bypass in 2001 did great lost 150lbs, regained 80lbs had lap band on 2/27/13 lost 20lbs so far. My disease of obesity tells me daily what a failure I am, it sucks. I am looking for support if your interested let me know.

connie

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We didn't gain these habits or weight overnight, and it is hard to change what have been mostly life-long habits. The fact is, you haven't given up so you are not a failure.

As for Chick-Fil-A, I go there from time to time for lunch. However, I order the grilled chicken nugget kids meal, with fruit as the side and diet lemonade. It's low cal, good nutrition and I felt like I was still able to "eat out". Maybe if you find yourself there you could opt for something like that ... just a suggestion. I know it's not easy. :)

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You are recognizing recent eating behaivor's not conducive to your new lifestyle.....success! You are in "Onderland"...success (I am still having trouble getting there and I am 1 pound away)! You have lost 56 pounds in 11 months.....success! Stop thinking about your progress as slow or failing and think about all the successes in your life...including the small NSV's. Our attitude's play a huge part in this. I find 2 things everyday that I pat myself on the back for. This could be taking a walk (yay me) or logging my food for the day (whatever the calories are...I have logged it). These are all successes for me!

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You are an inspiration to me Kime-lou. To have suffered such a great loss and still be able to function and look to improve your life is amazing. I understand the struggle with temptation...we all do. None of us got to the size we are by eating smart and as food is our drug of choice, you've simply fallen off the wagon a bit same as anyone else with an addiction. I have no great words of wisdom...you will find your way, I know it. You are a strong woman. Next year at Mother's Day...if children have not become a part of your life...do something wonderful for yourself to celebrate the person you are. Get a massage, go on a trip, buy a new outfit. Whatever brings you pleasure, go ahead and do it.

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"I still feel like a failure and I should have lost much more by this point." Those words sound soooo familiar, where have I heard them before??? Wait, I know, that is the voice I keep hearing in my own head! :D

You aren't alone.

You aren't unique in your feelings.

And most importantly, you aren't a failure.

Don't know how you feel about the bible, but take a look at 1 Corinthians 10:13

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I understand, like everybody else on this forum, how you feel about being afraid that this isn't going to work, or that you are failing. I am a teacher and 2 weeks ago it was Teacher Appreciation at school. Everyday parents brought in food for the teachers. There was breakfast one day, then Death by Chocolate, Sweet and Salty, Chips and Dips, and then Finger Food Day. Even though I told myself that I was going to do great and not go overboard, I not only went overboard but dove straight in with bells on. I was full everyday and miserable. Would say I would do better the next day and didn't. My doctors office offers support group every Tuesdayand I am there for most meetings. So, when I went this past Tuesday and it was my turn to talk I just started bawling. Told them all that I had eaten. But the scariest part for me in all of this was that not only did I eat it, but that I could eat it. I was surprised how much I could eat and not get sick. I did feel quite full, but didn't have anything come back up. That was what was scary. So, after everybody gave me affirmations of telling me that they had all been through this, and made me feel quite better, the psychiatrist who helps during the meetings said "Ok Christina, you have owned it and now it is time to get back on track". Once I told everybody there how I was feeling I felt so much better and got right back on track on Wednesday. So my prayer for you is that now that you have told all of us how you feel, you have owned up to your feelings and can get back on track. I know you know that you are not alone on this journey and we are all here to help. Best wishes to you.

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Kimme - it's always a struggle, and we're not perfect people. That is what makes us, human.

As you know from your own experience, sometimes this process flows pretty easily; we're highly motivated, feeling good, looking forward in a positive way.... Then, life happens & knocks us off of our foundation. This by NO means makes you a failure. It makes you, human.

I've gotten a lot from your posts, and I feel confident that you will get back on track. Life is all about ebbs & flows, and I believe that a momentary setback will not stop you from moving forward on the path you charted for yourself.

And please please PLEASE stop beating yourself up and driving yourself crazy with the "I should'a done this, that or the other thing". That will only keep you in a negative state. Accept where you are.....and move forward. NOT easy, I know! You've come so far, and you can continue on.

A doctor once told me that success isn't being a perfect dieter. It's being someone who gets right back on track after blowing it. We all have to accept, that is the way it will always be. Life is not black & white. It's many shades of gray.

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I feel for you. I am quite a bit older, have two children, 27 and 20. the age difference is that i had about 5-6 miscarriages in between my two children. those were the most painful times of my life. My doctors told me to stop... give it up. but is was determined and along came my son who is now 20, There is a great book by Johnathon shur, about getting pregnant after miscarriages. Read the book, make sure you see a specialist, and focus on getting healthy. A lower weight on your part will ensure a healthier pregnancy. I got pregnant successfully after I lost weight both times. My weight continues to be an albatross around my neck. 56 pounds in one year is a fantastic weight loss. You want it to stay off and make healthy life choices. keep going, don't give up. You are doing great. please write back if i can be of any support to you.

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