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Makotodragon
 

What not to do

Towards the end of February, I went to the psych eval, the one appointment that I was not looking forward to. I tried to find someone on my list of in-network physicians who would complete the mental health screening. Every mental health provider I called was unwilling. I went through 20 listings before giving up and scheduling something off insurance with the onsite psychiatrist for my hospital. I work graveyard shift, and her schedule was very packed, so I was awake most of the day, waiting in the office for her to get to me. I was hoping to slip in between scheduled appointments to get seen early, but luck was not on my side. The receptionist kept telling me that they couldn't take me early- I told her that I understood, but if I went home, I would sleep. And if that happened, they made it very clear that they would bill me anyway. When I finally got to see her, I was made to take a 200+ question test about random life aspects and opinions. My test focused somewhat on religion. How people feel better and find more support with religion and their faith guides them through tough times. I answered the equivalent of "does not describe me" for these types of questions, as I don't really identify with religion, despite living in the bible belt. When it was time for her to go over my questions, I was feeling manic and dizzy from lack of sleep and food. I was chatty and found her concern over my non religiousness a bit annoying. I also found that she was not impressed with my belief that everyone should have healthcare. When I explained that my husband was still on my insurance, even though we are going through a separation and I'm with someone else, she seemed concerned. I attempted to make it clear that this was in line with my belief that everyone deserves healthcare access and if I kicked him off my insurance, he would not be able to afford his medication. She wrapped up our meeting and suggested that I seek further counsel from a different source, as it would be a conflict of interest for her to see me again for this. I felt upset and helpless. I hate trying to convince someone I'm normal and sane through a test and 30 minutes of conversation. Especially when it seems that the opinions of the physician are tingeing their assessment. I was assigned 3 additional counseling sessions and I chose a person practicing close to the hospital that was available. He was able to schedule all of my sessions within 2 weeks of my initial evaluation, so it would not impact my overall schedule for surgery. I felt much more on edge now. When I went to his sessions, I generally let the silence stretch until he began to talk. It was like we were both testing the waters and I wasn't about to start the conversation. The last thing I wanted was to be assigned more sessions and risk my surgery date being pushed back. When he asked questions, I answered fully to the extent of my belief. He seemed a little more accepting of my atheism and "socialist" viewpoints. He assigned me reading and a questionnaire asking about what my goals are. I felt a little annoyed about being given homework like this. It felt like I was doing things that I view as unnecessary. Like, I'm paying you to give me homework? The reading was a book about codependency- from the 80's. The author made several contradictory points about the subject and the majority of the material was about being in a codependent relationship with a drug addict. I felt it wasn't relevant to me and I felt more than a little offended that he thought I needed tips on not controlling others with money and expecting love in return. I agonized about the homework questions. It felt like being in an interview and being asked what your biggest flaw is for the first time- and you have to paint this picture of "well golly, I guess it's my honesty and integrity." Basically "my flaw is not really a flaw, now let me dazzle you with my wordplay." What should I write? Was this sounding too "codependent"? I felt like I couldn't answer honestly with my first choice of words because it would be misconstrued. I still told the truth, I just felt that I had to be selective about wording and what I felt. The second session I made a point that I was not codependent with my ex- I just honestly believe that he should have access to his rather expensive medication without going into debt. He was not asking me to keep him on my insurance, nor was this something I was doing to keep him indebted to me. My point was made and the therapist said he didn’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to have the surgery. The last visit consisted of me waiting for him to talk and trying to remain as level as possible. I didn’t want to seem too happy that I was done with our little chats. It’s silly, but I felt awkward- like I was breaking up with him. My schedule has not been interrupted. I’m still scheduled for 04/17!
Makotodragon

Makotodragon

0
The Joys and Struggles of a very Bari Black Girl!
 

When I say jump....

So Thursday has come and gone but I'm here now ain't I? Don't roll your eyes, I can see you know -.- anyway....Last Tuesday I saw the Shrink. Nice lady, lousy session. Ok, ok it wasn't that bad honestly. I filled out a two long, yes, no, maybe, type questions. One paper, the other electronic. They reminded me of those test you do when applying for shitty jobs. You know the ones that ask if you've ever taken a pen, or how many farts do you produce a day and what color are they? Well unlike the job tests I decided to be 100% truthful with my responses. So yeah I've taken a pen or 6, and you can go tell Sheila in HR that I did it! I can't WAIT for my next appointment with the Shrink in a months time. She'll confirm I'm bat **** cray cray, but not enough to deny me surgery I'm sure. The following Wednesday was even more eventful. I saw both the Nutritionist and the Exercise coach.  Those both went really well. Both ladies were judgment free and friendly. They didn't say anything I didn't already know from years of dieting and exercise but they said it well. I've gotten confirmation that no matter how much weight II'll lose between now and my surgery, they will still submit my first BMI of 41 to my insurance. Which for me is essential because I have no comorbidities, in fact, all my blood work came back perfect. Except for my calcium which was a little low. So besides from being MORBIDLY OBESE, I'm the picture of perfect health.  That being said. Looking at the shape of my family, I'd give myself 10 years before everything starts going to hell. I think I have youth on my side, but once I'm 36 and decrepit I'll have wished I had the surgery 10 years ago. Since they are going to keep my 41 bmi I'm excited to start following their pre-surgery recommendations. My goal is to lose at LEAST 20lbs between now and surgery. I've got this!  
LadySin

LadySin

0
Melena's Gastric Sleeve - An Adventure
 

The Date is Set

After a long journey,  my surgery date is May 9th!!!   It is almost one year to the date of my Mom's passing.  I know she is happy about this and will be with me.  I have read so much and imagined so many versions of what this journey will be like.  Honestly, I am not worried about anything.  I am ready to go.   It will be a challenging summer. We are Army, and we will be moving this summer (maybe, we do not have orders yet).  My oldest graduates from high school on the 19th.  My older brother and best friend turns 50 on July 30, and I'm going to the party come hell or high water.  In August we take our first born to college.  He is going to Colgate, so upstate NY, here we come.  My husband graduated from Ithica.  I love the area.   Having said this, it is going to be a crazy summer.  I will have to adjust to my new diet and body needs in the midst of a lot of change.  I am used to change.  It is my life.  My hope is that with all that will be going on I will have my diet and exercise requirements as a constant to keep me focused.  I know that this may sound crazy to some, but that is how my mind works.   Oh, I forgot to mention that I will need to get a job wherever we move. Hey, no pressure. This will be an exciting journey.  I can't wait to keep track of the good, the bad, and the ugly in this blog.  I've always wanted to write a blog.  Now I'm doing it.  How cool is that!!! Back to re-reading The Big Book on The Gastric Sleeve. I've attached a photo of me and my crew.  Youngest broke his ankle and had surgery.  He is still on crutches.    
Melena68

Melena68

0
Melena's Gastric Sleeve - An Adventure
 

The Date is Set

After a long journey,  my surgery date is May 9th!!!   It is almost one year to the date of my Mom's passing.  I know she is happy about this and will be with me.  I have read so much and imagined so many versions of what this journey will be like.  Honestly, I am not worried about anything.  I am ready to go.   It will be a challenging summer. We are Army, and we will be moving this summer (maybe, we do not have orders yet).  My oldest graduates from high school on the 19th.  My older brother and best friend turns 50 on July 30, and I'm going to the party come hell or high water.  In August we take our first born to college.  He is going to Colgate, so upstate NY, here we come.  My husband graduated from Ithica.  I love the area.   Having said this, it is going to be a crazy summer.  I will have to adjust to my new diet and body needs in the midst of a lot of change.  I am used to change.  It is my life.  My hope is that with all that will be going on I will have my diet and exercise requirements as a constant to keep me focused.  I know that this may sound crazy to some, but that is how my mind works.   Oh, I forgot to mention that I will need to get a job wherever we move. Hey, no pressure. This will be an exciting journey.  I can't wait to keep track of the good, the bad, and the ugly in this blog.  I've always wanted to write a blog.  Now I'm doing it.  How cool is that!!! Back to re-reading The Big Book on The Gastric Sleeve. I've attached a photo of me and my crew.  Youngest broke his ankle and had surgery.  He is still on crutches.    
Melena68

Melena68

0
Jax777
 

Hi Im Jax777

I had gastric sleeve surgery on March 8, 2016.  It's been a year and I still haven't gotten to my goal.  I started out at 268 lbs and I weight 220lbs.  I feel like I have failed.  I know why I am failing.  I was told I would have more energy but I always feel tired, so I skip exercising.  I try to meet my 60 to 80 grams of protein a day but I get lost in the counting and I find myself eating carbs like chips, rice or pasta.  I forget to take my multivitamins.  I try to stick to the plan but I get depress when I get on the scale.  I wonder if my stomach stretched out already and that's why I am eating more or more frequently.  Help.
jax777

jax777

6
The Joys and Struggles of a very Bari Black Girl!
 

Long Story Short

Hi, I'm Deborah and I'm addicted to food. My addiction has led me to obesity. I was an overweight newborn and an overweight child, and I'm an overweight adult. Sure my upbringing played a role, but I can't place the lion share of the blame on my family. I know that I overeat, I know that I shouldn't eat the things I do. I could probably write a terrible book on nutrition. I've starved on all the diets, choked down all the pills. Yet here I am. 261lbs. Enough is enough! I've started treatment at the Beaumont Weight Control Center in Michigan. I am strongly considering Gastric Bypass. I've already attended my first appoint. I have six months of mandatory treatment which I have no problem with. I need to take this time to prepare both physically in emotionally. I have so many plans and goals. I'll be using this blog to help me stay focused and motivated. This blog will discuss my personal feelings. Needless to say, idgaf if something offends (within the rules of the site of course), this is my "safe space". If you don't like to look to the upper left corner of your screen, there you will find the back button.     I'm writing from the perspective of a 27 yeard old Black women, born and raised in the city of Detroit. I'm not the most articulate, or the highest educated, but I love to learn and to grow. I am however done growing sideways *smile*. Right now I'm spending my time reading this site. I have a PCP visit coming up, and my psych eval, NUT and exercise ed visit next week. When I post again I'm going to outline my health goals both short and long term. I'll also talk about how those visits went. Until then I'll hop around the forums, and start planning my heal vision board. More on that later. Until Thursday!  
LadySin

LadySin

0
The Joys and Struggles of a very Bari Black Girl!
 

Long Story Short

Hi, I'm Deborah and I'm addicted to food. My addiction has led me to obesity. I was an overweight newborn and an overweight child, and I'm an overweight adult. Sure my upbringing played a role, but I can't place the lion share of the blame on my family. I know that I overeat, I know that I shouldn't eat the things I do. I could probably write a terrible book on nutrition. I've starved on all the diets, choked down all the pills. Yet here I am. 261lbs. Enough is enough! I've started treatment at the Beaumont Weight Control Center in Michigan. I am strongly considering Gastric Bypass. I've already attended my first appoint. I have six months of mandatory treatment which I have no problem with. I need to take this time to prepare both physically in emotionally. I have so many plans and goals. I'll be using this blog to help me stay focused and motivated. This blog will discuss my personal feelings. Needless to say, idgaf if something offends (within the rules of the site of course), this is my "safe space". If you don't like to look to the upper left corner of your screen, there you will find the back button.     I'm writing from the perspective of a 27 yeard old Black women, born and raised in the city of Detroit. I'm not the most articulate, or the highest educated, but I love to learn and to grow. I am however done growing sideways *smile*. Right now I'm spending my time reading this site. I have a PCP visit coming up, and my psych eval, NUT and exercise ed visit next week. When I post again I'm going to outline my health goals both short and long term. I'll also talk about how those visits went. Until then I'll hop around the forums, and start planning my heal vision board. More on that later. Until Thursday!  
LadySin

LadySin

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Closer

So, it's been a while since I've written anything. I totally needed to get on here and do that. I actually have a whopping 22 days until my final nutrition (Diet and Exercise) appointment before the clinic sends my paperwork into Medicaid for approval and schedules my surgery!!!!! 22 days and about a week later I'll be scheduled. It's getting so much closer so much more quickly than I could possibly imagine! Got the family's bikes ordered and they should be ready by next weekend, just in time for St Patty's Day. Being of Irish decent, this is a big deal for me. Can't wait to get my brisket and cabbage and carrots. I'm going to have my mashed cauliflower "potatoes" to go with. We're still shooting for the end of April, the beginnign of May for the surgery. I'm hoping that with the surgery along with the therapy I'm doing now, I'll be successful and be down to 175 by Christmas. That is my goal right now. Be no more than 190 by Christmas, but if I can make 175 by then, I'm going to be ecstatic! It's getting closer every day. So I think it's possible.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
GastricSleeveGalJourney
 

1 Year 2 Months

Weight is now 121 :). I am pretty much stabilized now. A loss of over 80 lbs. I am getting better at eating, but still not great. The problem I have is that I need to still up my protein and my vits/mineral intake. Im trying so hard to do so. Im so picky, I am very limited in what food I eat. Seems like I am eating the same over and over again. I need new ideas.
skp

skp

2
Mollie's Journey
 

Introduction to Metabolic Surgery Class & Checking In

I have nearly a month of this journey under my belt and I continue to check items off my list. The most recent item being the Introduction to Metabolic Surgery class a few weeks ago. Much to my surprise, the class was filled with people of all different sizes and body types. I have to admit, I felt a little judged by a few people in the room. I was one of the smallest people there and I could tell by the stares of a few they were wondering why I was there.  I wanted to say, "I need this just as much as you." But, of course I didn't and I wouldn't and maybe that's not even true. I do need this though.  At the class we talked about the next 6 months, the commitment to lifestyle change, sampled a protein shake, went over nutrition, and signed up to work out in the on-site gym.  It was a good class and I benefited from the nutrients piece a lot. It was an area I had quite a few questions about. I now know how important vitamins will become to me in the next few months and then for the rest of my life.  I have religiously logged my exercise since my last appointment. I have done more than necessary 11 of 20 days and hope to keep that up. Mostly, I walk my dog and it's great to get some fresh air.  I have lost a bit of weight too, likely because I'm not drinking my calories on the daily. I have successfully limited my Starbucks to just Fridays and have had just normal coffee the other days of the week. It's a start.  I weighed in at 259 with my coat on and bag in hand. So, I was likely more about 250. I am down to 241, which I'm pleased with.  My next appoint is this Friday with the nurse practioner and the nutriounist. As always I look forward to it as I only know it will bring self-improvement. 
MollieVSGHopeful

MollieVSGHopeful

0
jennifer1's Blog
 

I HAVE MY SURGERY DATE

Just wanted to update you guys that I was finally approved for surgery on Feb 10th!  I had my pre-op appointment today and my surgery is scheduled for March 14th!  To say Im excited is an understatement.  I am so grateful for another shot at getting my health together! 
jennifer1

jennifer1

0
GACaldwell's Blog
 

7 months in

Technically, it's 6 months and 30 days..but who's counting, right? right... So far, I'm down 53 lbs & 25 inches over all. Logically, I know both of these things have made  difference. Mentally, it's still hard to accept some times. This month I hit one hell of a stall. I've wavered between 143 & 145 the entire month of February. Some of that is on me, and bad choices. I still have a sweet tooth. I still hate hate hate to exercise. I'm still battling the lifelong issues with anxiety, depression, insomnia and obsessive compulsive tendencies (It's only a disorder if it negatively impacts your life, FYI) I've gone from a tight size 18 jeans to a comfortable 10. Yesterday I put on a skirt that was a size 8 & while it was tight...it buttoned and zipped. That was mind blowing to me. I haven't worn anything that had single digits or didn't have an X behind it in over 20 years. My dad asked me flat out how much I weighted now because he told his boss I was 135lbs...i laughed and told him that was my goal but I'm not there yet. Apparently to my family/friends I'm smaller than I look, but that was common before I became obese too. I'm dang solid is all.  But it's come along with weird things too. I can't really talk to my friends/loved ones about it very often. My partner of 10 years is the only one who hears it all and he had gastric bypass 14 years ago so he gets it. He's supportive no matter what and celebrates with me, encourages me and reminds me how far I've come, even though his own weight is an issue for him right now. My friends and loved ones who are still struggling just get dismissive or mean about it so I don't tell them my milestones, I don't celebrate publically and I rarely, if ever post photographs of myself. One friend told me I needed to take new belly dance pictures and take all the old ones down. It really ticked me off...she knows why I did this surgery and I'm not ashamed of my pictures from when I was bigger. At all. So I keep my mouth shut, i listen to them complain and commiserate as best I can. Yes, I know it's hard. Guess what? It STILL is. This wasn't an "easy" fix.  I need to get my head back on track though. I've been lethargic and eating less healthy than I should. I've given in to my sweet tooth and said "fuck it" a few too many times. The negative committee in my head still tries to sabotage me and tell me that I'm going to fail. I won't make the goals I set to begin with but that's ok...I'm learning to adjust and be flexible. Now I just have to work on being stronger. 
GACaldwell

GACaldwell

0
Mollie's Journey
 

Goals & Checklists

I went to my initial appointment with the nutritionist this week and it was much different than I imagined. More emotional, as she asked me questions beyond "what do you eat?" Questions like "how does that make you feel?" and "why?" I cried, but she assured me that it was normal.  I love checking things off lists, so I'm thrilled with this process so far.  I've had my blood work done.  Scheduled my psychological evaluation. Scheduled my in-home sleep study. Will be attending the required intro class tomorrow. And, given a list of goals to begin working on. My first goal is working on giving up coffee. Specifically, Starbucks every morning. Not just regular Starbucks, but sugar and calorie packed lattes. The goal for the month is to only get Starbucks on Fridays. The rest of the week, I will make my own coffee or tea at home before work. I'm also to exercise for a minimum of 10 minutes per day. And, finally read my binder of information. I've already devoured the information in the binder and will reference often between now and surgery in 6 months.  I can tell this process isn't the "easy way out" as many people seem to think. I knew it would take work, but now I know concretely what that work is and how I will be able to explain it to those curious with my decision to have surgery.  Something I was surprised by was a clause I had to sign stating that I would not gain over my initial weigh-in. I was surprised, because I thought that was a given. I'm going to be program compliant because I want to be shown the way. I want to make a lifetime change and realize there is no magical fix. I think the 6 month program will set me up for great success and I look forward to my next meeting where I turn in my goals and start on new ones.  
MollieVSGHopeful

MollieVSGHopeful

0
Mollie's Journey
 

The Decision

I have looked into weight loss surgery three times in the last 18 months.  Vacillating between types of surgeries, buying new gym equipment, or trying to find a new diet. I have a small room full of exercise equipment and every cookbook from Atkins to Zen diet. Finally, while up at an abnormally late hour with my dog, I took an online seminar required prior to a free initial consultation with a surgeon. It was the beginning of a new year and what did I have to lose? If they called me to schedule I could just say "no thank you" if I decided this was a middle of the night pipe dream. The next day they called and instead of avoiding the call, like I almost always do, I answered it.  I scheduled my free initial consultation during the second week of February and I went. It was a pleasant meeting with the surgeon and the insurance specialist. I walked away with a lot of fears eased - specifically cost. The surgeon even said that I may be a good candidate for outpatient surgery if I did well with program compliance to help ease any out-of-pocket expenses I may incur after my insurance limit. While this is something I'm not banking on, it's encouraging to say the least.  I walked out with a checklist of things do schedule and orders for blood work and an initial home sleep study. I was motivated to get started on this journey that has been years in the making.  I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I was billed "chubby" by my own overweight mother as a child or "big-boned." I slimmed down significantly in high school while maintaining some sharp curves and slimmed down even more in college when I found intramural sports I enjoyed playing. I think it's valuable to briefly share my journey from the past 10 years to show how I reached my decision to have the surgery. An accidental pregnancy at the age of 22, just as I had started graduate school, was a major turning point. My now husband and I made some significant lifestyle changes to welcome our baby into the world, only to discover at around 20 weeks my placenta had abrupted and our boy lost his life. I had to undergo a D&E and find a way to move on. Moving on proved to be another pregnancy very shortly after the loss. Becoming pregnant with my daughter made it seem to my body as though I had been pregnant for well over a year as opposed to a typical 9 months. I was watched very closely and modified activity throughout my pregnancy. She made her appearance several weeks early in late January of 2008. Healthy, but small. I had not emotionally recovered from initial loss and I suffered from post-partum depression for a time. Breastfeeding proved difficult due to her tiny mouth and poor latch and a serious case of mastitis did our breastfeeding journey in. So, I didn't reap the benefits of weight loss from breastfeeding, as I would my son later and I just settled for being heavier. I was too busy with work, being a new young mom, and generally finding myself to really take care of myself from a physical standpoint.  I was just stuck as a heavier person. My weight creeped up very gradually and would occasionally yo-yo when I would put in effort with a new diet here or weight watchers there, or that time I bought a new treadmill and a month in it became a new clothing rack. It was frustrating never seeing the results I wanted to see. My husband and I married when my daughter was nearly 4 in late December of 2011. It wasn't what I had in mind, I had visions of eloping. But, family wishes got in the way of my plans and we were married in a very small church service with immediate family present only. My fondest memory of that day is the way my daughter looked and her tight grip on my hand as she helped my dad walk me down the aisle. Pictures of myself from that day are kept hidden. I tried to become smaller in the months leading up to my wedding, but it was frustrating and I couldn't even be proud of what little weight I had lost. My wedding bands stopped fitting about 4 months after our wedding and they still don't fit. I've never had them re-sized because I was always hopeful and trying to lose weight.  I became pregnant with our son and another difficult pregnancy ensued. This time I developed tachycardia and spent 80% of my pregnancy sitting or on bed rest. I remember first noticing the issue at my sister-in-law's wedding, just 6 weeks pregnant or so. The room became extremely warm, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and I was so dizzy. I sat at a table and I thought about how I didn't feel right. My son was born healthy and strong 9 months later in December of 2012. During that time, I gained and gained because I was limited on mobility and I filled emotional voids with food. My husband lost a lot of weight while I was pregnant and that was so frustrating for me. I nursed my son for a year and during that time, weight melted off of me. I got down to a weight that I was able to feel good about exercising again, so I took up running again. I don't remember exactly why I stopped, but I did. I also gave up the mostly vegetarian diet. I yo-yo dieted for the next few months, waking up late and making up excuses as to why I wasn't going to go to the gym one day to the next. In the summer of 2014 I had my gallbladder removed and I seemed to pack on the pounds even more afterwards. I thought something was wrong with me. I requested my doctor do lab work for thyroid. Everything always came back fine. I was sent to an Endocrinologist to make sure, but it turned out I was just obese and needed to "try harder" at losing the weight. I feel like I've been trying hard to lose weight for years. In 2016 I started to read about people who had lost weight through bariatric surgery. Twice I half-heartedly looked into it, but would choose instead to take a spin class for a few weeks or go on a new diet like Whole30. I would lose a few pounds, but nothing that motivated me to stick with it.  This year, a few weeks away from turning 33 as I write this, feels different to me. I need to lose weight. I feel the weight of my body more than ever. I'm in pain physically and emotionally because I'm stuck in a body that limits me from living my fullest life. My kids are 9 and 4 and I want to do things with them that my large body makes difficult. Making that initial "free" consultation I'm hoping will pay me back in dividends. I'm so confident in this decision and look forward to a healthy new body by the end of the year.    
MollieVSGHopeful

MollieVSGHopeful

0
jennifer1's Blog
 

Back on Track!

Sooooo I finally got approved for my revision from lap band to VSG!!!! I am soooo excited!  I have my pre op appointment this wed. and I will have to speak with the NUT, anesthesiologist and my surgeon.  I am hoping my surgery date(which i wont know till wed) is in March!!!
jennifer1

jennifer1

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

New beginnings

Embarking on this journey of weighing less means a lot of things to me. It means, essentially, becoming a different person yet staying the same. It means starting a new lifestyle. It means getting healthy. It means letting go of things that are weighing me down mentally while getting rid of what's weighing me down physically. It means letting go of unrealistic ideas regarding relationships and accepting some relationships are only meant to be friendships and nothing more. It's realizing that people that I thought were ancient history, that I only think about once in a blue moon, have actually been thinking about me too. An uncommon relationship that spans the miles that was long gone remarkably resurfaced tonight. How strange that this person crossed my mind for the first time in months just a week or two ago. I haven't thought about him in a long time. And he messages me tonight. I wonder where this will lead. Will he be willing to do what he wasn't willing to all those years ago? Here's to new beginnings.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Makotodragon
 

Step 4

My current OBGYN has referred me to the bariatrics team at LGMC. He advised that there were other, pharmacological forms of treatment that we could try before using surgery as a solution, but I was insistent that I needed to take this next step as all that I’ve tried has failed and I didn’t hold out much hope for other "similar but different" treatment options, let alone I was afraid of being kicked off of insurance before finding/completing treatment. I weigh 242lbs. I went to a mandatory seminar at LGMC within a week of seeing the doctor. I was worried it was going to be more of the same, trying to talk me out of surgery as an option, citing it was “easy to lose weight, fatty”. To my joy, that was not the case. They took my insurance card and my weight. I sat through a presentation about the different surgeries offered by one of the laparoscopic surgeons. I was visibly the smallest, youngest person there. It has made me think that I am less worthy of a surgery. I don’t know. I just feel like I might be thought less deserving of this tool. The nurses advised they would use my insurance information to call and check on coverage and call me back within a week. I felt giddy. Elated. Just, lighter. Relieved. I got a call back promptly from the surgery center and have scheduled my first meeting with a surgeon. The nurse also let me know that the only requirement from my insurance was to have a psychiatric evaluation. Our first meeting is scheduled 02/21/2017. I'm excited to meet the surgeon although just the appointment  is $250! I will be calling them Monday to see how much the surgery will cost and what my out of pocket will be-if they know. This money will be contributed to the total amount of surgery if I go through them, but if they are 5k more than someone else, I might want to look at other options. I hate to let my frugal flag fly, but money is not disposable to me. While it is important that I go through a reputable surgeon, I can’t bankrupt myself doing so. There must be a balance. Their program and facility are very impressive, though. I know someone who went through self-pay with them. They have a very involved team for the bariatric surgery center, and a high success rate. I think they put a lot of effort into it because we live in the south with a high rate of morbid obesity and a culture of “clean your plate”, so it’s easy to fall right back into bad habits. The first ingredient in many things my family cooks is butter. My adopted family is French – Lebanese, several family members have wrestled with weight gain over the years. On my birth mothers side, they are Italian- American with few weight issues in immediate family. My paternal grandmother, it seems, lived with undiagnosed PCOS, and I pulled the short straw when it came to inheriting those genes. Though, I am the tallest, so nyah! I feel nervous about the evaluation. I know why it’s necessary. I just worry about being denied and having to start over or something. Unfounded worries about something that probably isn't that bad. Reading everyone's posts here has done a lot for my internal dialogue. I feel like if I keep a level head and don't stress about everything coming up, take everything one step at a time, I will be ok.
Makotodragon

Makotodragon

0
Makotodragon
 

History

I feel like for the past ten years I have been a hostage to my body fucking itself up despite my efforts. In 2006, when I was gaining ten pounds a month and clothing stopped fitting all of a sudden, I got really depressed and scared. I was diagnosed with PCOS and unceremoniously put on diabetes medication, metformin, which made me ill every time I ate. I felt like I was being punished for existing. My doctor didn’t help, he was dismissive of my symptoms and uncaring of progress, next steps, or helping me manage my pcos. I would stop gaining for a bit and buy new clothes only to outgrow them again. Despite being on medicine. Despite eating less than I always have. I felt like I was making an effort to be active but I wasn’t getting any results. I didn’t really know what I should be doing and I felt like I didn’t have resources for help. When I moved home in 2009 I maintained my weight at 180 by walking around college campus all day. When I was done with my coursework, my weight spiked again. There was a brief time in 2012 when I went on a ketosis diet that assisted in helping me lose sixty pounds (Ideal Protein). I was always hungry and short tempered. It was expensive and taught me nothing but that I hate dieting to the point of ridiculousness. What’s the point of being hungry all day? Why is it $320 a month when I still have to buy my own food? I was literally spending most of my money on this diet. 160lbs When my husband got his kidney transplant, and was able to eat phosphorous rich foods again, I ate with him. I was at 200lbs before long. I noticed I would eat more and more. I constantly felt hungry. My emotional state was supplemented with sweets and as I gained more weight than I had before, I entered a cycle of emotional eating and stress. I bounced around from OBGYN to PCP, asking for help, advising that I had been diagnosed with PCOS and had tried birth control and metformin. They didn’t seem interested in helping me. I got new insurance and started the search for help all over again. I felt like I was just going through the list of every OBGYN in town. None of them really wanted to help me, unless it was to manage it just enough to get pregnant. Which, really, isn’t managing it either. I felt bad for the people trying to get pregnant with pcos, as they were going to go back to struggling with it once they had their kid. The OBGYNs only wanted a baby born, not treatment and longer term management. Most of them didn’t know what to tell me when I was talking seriously about trying to get my life over this hurdle. One offered me dietary cinnamon tea. In 2013, I had a cancer scare and LEEP surgery performed at a local hospital. I was so upset, I started crying after the surgery and explained that I was trying to manage PCOS on my own with no help or meds and this was a glimpse of my future that I didn’t want. The doctor reassured me that they could help. I transferred my medical records and set up a follow up annual exam, for the first time I felt hopeful. This was a mistake. My next exam at that facility I was basically told that I didn’t know what I was talking about, that I was just fat and needed to lose the weight. This female doctor said all of this in front of an intern. I fought with administration about how I was treated, but no one cared. They dismissed me with callousness.
As my career in computers continued, my google-fu got better and I started looking online for resources to help me deal with what my body was doing. I stumbled upon the name of the medical field that this falls under- aside from obstetrics, endocrinology. I went to a local endocrinologist and he put me on victoza, understood what I was going through and was sympathetic to trying to help me. Not long afterwards, I changed jobs and lost my insurance. I began working in a stressful environment and my home life was not helping. I did get insurance again and was able to find a good OBGYN who took on the role of my endocrinologist in trying to help get my pcos under control. (Since the two fields of medicine kind of overlap here, he was able to prescribe what I needed.) I was also given a birth control implant, as I have always wanted one, and to get away from the pill. I was so happy. My doctor trusted me to tell him the medication that I had gone through and seemed interested in working with me to find something that worked. I let him know I had been through several “low dose” pills, metformin, spironolactone and victoza in an attempt to bring my pcos to heel. The only thing that at least helped my weight plateau was victoza. Without issue, he prescribed my medication and worked with me to try new dosages to see if anything would help. I had gotten up to 250lbs at this point. I was able to lose 30lbs pretty quickly but became stuck at 220lbs. I also had a new PCP. I started taking amitriptyline for migraine prevention and Prozac for helping me cope with anger and tension. I left my husband in December 2015. I left my stressful job in April 2016. Still my weight climbs and my clothes don’t fit for long. I find it depressing to go out and do anything that I did before, just about. It is depressing to have to squeeze into places that no one else has a problem getting to, and to feel like you are holding your friends back because you are so over weight that you can’t do simple things without special consideration. I worked out for a few months. I threw up every time I did. Treadmill. Bikes. Stretching and walking. I can’t do anything without throwing up. I feel like nothing is working. I shouldn’t feel like I haven’t eaten anything all day, to the point of weakness, when I ate a meal 6 hours prior. I shouldn’t keep gaining weight when I am eating healthier and taking the stairs and working out. I shouldn’t throw up every time I work out, no matter how "easy" I take it. I feel like these aren’t things that should be considered “expecting too much”. I shouldn’t have a scratchy, patch beard that never goes away no matter how much I pluck it. I shouldn’t be getting thick black hair on my breasts. Why can someone put such a miniscule amount of effort in and see results, but I am stuck on this downward spiral? I feel so frustrated by all of this. And I definitely know I am not alone, it’s just hard to be surrounded with people who don’t have to really deal with this in the angle that I am.
Makotodragon

Makotodragon

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Self Conscious in V.S.

Today was a big step for me in facing my anxieties around people. I haven't enjoyed going to the mall in years. My daughter needed some new jeans and so my mom and I went to JCP because that's where her favorite jeans are sold. I had every intention of only going into JCP and getting a pair of jeans and leaving again. Well, it turned out that they were having a hum dinger of a sale. There was a $72 dress that was marked down to $1.97. No, that isn't a typo. It really was only two dollars! (I ended up getting it for my daughter because it was adorable and happened to be her size.  My mom has needed new clothes forever and refuses to buy herself any based on the premise that she doesn't want to buy anything until she loses some weight or has a little bit more money or any other excuse she can come up with. I do not like to go out by myself unless it's to the nature trail over by the lake where I can hike down to the water and hide and write or read by myself without anyone tripping over me or anything like that. Or riding my bike without too many other people around. I just do not like being around people unless they are people I know well.  Before I took little girl back to school after her shots, I had to stop by the house to get my oldest some clothes since he really wasn't prepared for the temperature to be half of what it was yesterday. I ran in and told mom to get her arse in gear cause she was coming with me to run errands. She didn't want to be alone any more than I did today. For a totally different reason, but same feeling all the same. So, she got dressed and we got the clothes to the oldest and dropped off middle child. We then proceeded to run errands, eventually running to JCP. Since there were so many really cute tops for between $2 and $5, I had mom pick out a couple and I got those for her for Valentine's Day. She loved them, but said she needed a "nude" bra to wear with them because hers would show through the materials. I did the only thing I could...took her to Victoria Secret to get her a "nude" bra like her favorite. This meant traversing the dreaded mall. I hate the mall. There are way too many people at the mall. Poor mom though. I don't like the mall, so I walk kind of fast to get from one place to the next whenever I have to traverse the mall. Mom doesn't have as long of a stride as I do, so she ends up putting in 1.5-2 steps more than me whenever we're out together.  When we got to Victoria's Secret I (as always) fell in love with the majority of the bras and panties they have throughout the store. The problem with oooing and aaahing over those sexy undergarments is that it's embarrassing to get caught by one of their personnel that are the size of toothpicks when I'm the size of two of them put together. But while mom's trying on her bras what am I supposed to do? I wander around doing laps around the store muttering to myself "okay mom...hurry up. I'm ready to get out of here now". I can't wait until I am small enough to actually fit into some of these gorgeous underwear. I don't know when I'd be able to afford it again, but omg, I can't wait. I just wish that in the interim I didn't feel like people were laughing at me for even stepping foot in there. I wish I didn't feel like they were talking about me behind my back to their coworkers. I just wish I didn't feel like they were about to ask me what I was thinking by contaminating their store with my oversized presence. I kind of doubt anyone was actually thinking that, but that was how I was feeling. It's how I always feel when I go into one of those shops. I wonder if I'm going to feel the same once all the weight is gone. If I'll feel like an imposter when I go looking for things to wear from there.  Since I start therapy in two days, I really hope not. Time will only tell.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

I think so

When I started these entries I asked the question "Am I Ready For This?" At the time, I actually didn't know. I hoped I was. I thought I was. I think I finally know I am. Exercise is a daily thing now instead of just thinking about it. I may not be doing a lot right now (I managed to walk a mile and a half today and yesterday), but I'm getting there. It depends on where I walk and what my back is feeling like, but I'm getting there.  Today my two boys and I walked an upper neighborhood near our house selling chocolates for a fundraiser to fund his very last school trip in June after he graduates. Sold the whole box! I'm really proud of him. It took a lot for him to face his anxiety about talking to people. Some of the people were very funny, buying out all of one kind of chocolate bar. One family even knew my son's band director from when their daughters were in band. It was so awesome being able to walk the neighborhood with my boys and I kept thinking how much easier it's going to be once I lose the weight I want to lose.  I'm getting a bike (I hope) this week and will be able to start riding again and hopefully be able to work up to 30 miles. Except I'm figuring it will actually be 60 miles if I go the whole trail and back! Maybe mom's going to have to meet me up there with the bike rack! LOL! 
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
new in town
 

five days

starting to feel better! did some low impact stretching today. switched off of the pain meds from hospital to tylenol. hoping to bring my husband out to lunch to celebrate his being here for me this whole time (he cant drive and i cant eat! what a pair!) feeling optimistic! 
bunnyofbadideas

bunnyofbadideas

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Activity

As S Day quickly approaches, I start thinking about all the things that I'll be able to do again that I can't do now without difficulty. I can't bicycle very far anymore. I can't hike anymore without having to take a break every 10 steps it seems. I can't mountain climb because I can't lift my body up with my own legs because I weigh too much. I can't run without feeling like collapsing 10 feet from the beginning of where I start. I can't fast dance even one song without my lungs feeling like my lungs are going to explode. I can't ride most rollercoasters. I don't fit in the seats. I'll never forget how embarrassed I was when my oldest was about 2 years old and my husband and I went to six flags over Texas with him and I wanted to ride the Superman ride and was turned away because I was too fat to fit in the seat and bring the restraining arms down far enough to buckle it.  After April and some hard work, I'll be able to ride that rollercoaster. I'll be able to rock climb again. I'll be able to hike through Devil's Den and go spelunking and actually fit through some of the smaller crevices in the cave. I'll be able to probably leave my kids in the dust while hiking to the cave. I'll be able to bicycle, hopefully with relative ease, from Fayetteville to Bentonville. A 30 mile bicycle ride. Along with a size 9, that is my goal. To be able to ride the Square to Square trail next year and be in a size 9 for the first time in my entire life (including childhood). When I was a kid I wore a size 6X for a long time. I don't remember any other size until size 12. So, a size 9 would be totally amazing.  There are so many activities that I'm looking forward to doing both again and for the first time that my surgery will help me achieve.  I can't wait!
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
new in town
 

bah

i am four days out of gastric sleeve. think i am doing well. about 40 oz liquid, 33g protein. still have insane lump in my throat. it feels like air is trapped in my throat and trying to come back up. i dont even know if i am using this site correctly! AHHHHGGGHHH!!!! 
bunnyofbadideas

bunnyofbadideas

1

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