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Am I Ready For This???
 

Psych Eval today

Psych evals are notoriously stressful things to get through  during the pre-op phase of preparation for S-Day. (Surgery Day). Today was no exception for me. Thankfully, there wasn't an appointment time. I just had to be at an office over an hour away from my clinic and home somewhere between 8am and 12pm. The lady that got things set up was really nice. She filled out a piece of paper and led me into an adjoining room next to her where there were three desks, one of which held a computer, and three filing cabinets, a pencil holder full of sharpened pencils, and a scantron sheet with 576 T/F bubbles on it along with a book full of questions that belonged to those 576 answer bubbles.  I start the test and the nice lady knocks on the closed door, comes in, and tells me that there's a slight problem. The psychologist is supposed to interview me after I finish the test, but he has to leave and it's unknown when he will be back. So I may have to finish the test and schedule another appointment to see the psychologist. I'm going "oh great!  I drive over an hour to get here and now I may have to come back!". But I just played the part of a deranged penguin and continued to fill in bubbles while smiling and nodding my head while responding "That's okay". So totally not okay, but can I say that? no. She apologizes and leaves. A couple of minutes later she returns and lets me know that the psychologist is going to meet with me before he leaves. "Yay! I don't have to come back another day!" She leaves again and comes back a few minutes later to take me to the psychologist. He talked to me for about 20 minutes asking generally about my medical history, both physical and mental and lets me know he'll fax his okay to my Dr. tomorrow. It takes me another 2 hours to finish taking that written test. I'm just curious if that test tells the same thing the last one of those I took told. Hmmm...can't wait to find that one out.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Thank yous and I'm sorrys

To say I've been in a dark and depressing mood the past few days is a mild understatement.  Okay, a major understatement! People I thought were friends haven't been there for me when I needed them the most. And perfect strangers reached out, not knowing me at all and sending words of encouragement. To those strangers, I thank you. Your kindness means the world to me.  Mostly I'm sorry I got as dark as I did. I really am trying to see someone about it, but like my "friends", they said they can't see me right now. Oh wells! I'll see them a week from tomorrow, probably bouncing off the walls happy.  I'm doing okay now, though. I got back on the wagon today. I have a goal to lose at least another 10 pounds by April 22. I also decided that is going to be my goal date for surgery. I know that this date is highly contingent upon my surgeon, but I am praying that this will be my day to shine. Well, I'm rarely shining right after surgery, but you know what I mean. See, a little background history about me. I met my husband on February 5, 1995. We went on our very first date on February 14 of the same year and became a couple four days later until April 11, 2013. When I was telling my new therapist about him during my intake I lost count of how many times she said "He had some serious mental problems". I already knew that and it was the reason I filed for divorce because he wouldn't get help for those problems. He committed suicide on April 22, 2013 after he got the divorce papers. Left a message for me on Facebook that read in his status "Til Death Do Us Part". To say that's messed with me over the years is another major understatement.  Therefore, I think having my surgery on April 22 would be a perfect way to begin again. To put my fat and him behind me once and for all. For me. For my kids. For us. As a kind stranger told me, it's time to let go of the past. And that's exactly what I intend to do. God Bless and Protect you always.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Darkness

What do you do when the darkness seems to engulf you?   February is always a really hard month for me and right now, looking out my window at the grey sky and the bare trees and remembering the good and the bad of the last 21 years, all I want to do is curl into a little, itty bitty, teeny tiny ball under my covers and hide. I want to go to that place in my mind that seems to hold me as a happy prisoner. A beautiful place that never rains, the sky are always blue with white puffy clouds (you know the kind that you can imagine pictures out of). A crystal blue pond with a full willow tree that you can sit beneath and take in all the beauty around you while you peak through the many branches.   Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of the first time I met my husband of over 14 years. We went on our first date that Valentine's Day. We became a couple four days later when I stole his fedora in the lobby outside my college French class. 18 years later I found out that he was not the person I thought he was. I realized he had multiple mental health issues that he refused to seek help for along with some that I didn't find out about until after I had filed for divorce. The day that he got the divorce papers, he decided that he couldn't live without me and our children. He committed suicide that day in April 4 years ago.   Despite the things he did, the problems he had, I never stopped loving him. Most of his family doesn't realize this or believe this. It's taken years to be in the presence of his mother without getting a look that says "You're a pariah and should be exterminated".   When the darkness engulfs me, as it is today, I just don't care. About close to anything. I don't care what I look like. I don't care what I eat. I could eat everything or I could eat nothing. I'm trying so hard to be conscientious of this today. So hard. My back is hurting and my shoulders are burning because of the weather, but I'm in a place where it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that I'm alone with my thoughts, my memories - both good and bad. The memories of our first date together where he met me in the student union with a glass filled with hershey kisses and tied with a red ribbon. The memories of the last time I ever saw him alive where I had a glimmer of hope that he would get the mental help he needed and that we could at least still be friends and not enemies. And then all the memories in between.   I want to eat right now. I want to bake, actually. I want to bake decadent chocolate cupcakes. I want to bake chocolate chip cookies. I want to bake pear and apple tarts. I want to bake anything and everything because when I'm baking I can disappear. I can dive into a recipe and tweak it, perfect it, change the flavor and add to it. And everything else doesn't matter anymore. A lot of times I will come out of the kitchen and my major depressive episode at the same time like baking just wipes the depression away. Other times it's like getting drunk where the pain goes away while you're in that state only to find it right back where you left it after you're sober. I have a feeling that today is the latter day. And until I get through February 18 I don't see it getting a whole lot better. Good thing I'm seeing my therapist Thursday.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

2
Am I Ready For This???
 

Superbowl munchies

So, mom and I watched the most awesome Super Bowl game I've seen in years! She was rooting for the Falcons. Therefore, I HAD to root for the Patriots. I couldn't believe they just HAD to wait until halfway through the 4th quarter to get their head in the game! But omg! To see the very first overtime in Super Bowl history and some of the insanely miraculous plays that were made was the best. Especially to be able to share it with my mom. Still can't believe they came back from a 25 point deficit to win the game in overtime all in the last 10 minutes of the final quarter! It was awesome.   With all the excitement though I wanted munchies sooooo bad! I wanted chips and dip or popcorn or anything to actually crunch just like the ball players on the field. I am sitting here writing this and watching the local news and still crave something to crunch. Craving cookies. Craving chocolate milk. Craving chocolate chips, Wow. And my clinic just had a commercial on as if to give me a visual reminder of why i'm not going to the kitchen for any of those things. A reminder why I didn't cave in to any of those cravings that I had during the game. I am trying so hard to be conscious of the mental hungries and the actual physical hungries. I actually succeeded today. I'm proud of myself. I even skipped the mashed potatoes at supper! Cheesy Ranch Red Skin Mashed Potatoes no less! Yay me!   Telling the difference between the mental and physical hungries is one of the hardest parts of this weight loss surgery prep. I'm getting there, but the trek has been slow going. I started this journey in November and I'm still not there. I think I'll get there. No. I know i'll get there. I have to. " """"""""""""""""
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Addictions

Addictions come in all sorts of forms. The most common forms of addiction people think of are drugs and alcohol. And those are both, obviously, bad. There's other addictions too though. There's addictions to soda pop, bread, pasta, cookies, cakes and other pastries, food in general. I think most people that have gotten to "OMG I have to do something about my weight or I'm going to die" have some form of food addiction. I've been realizing, albeit way too slowly, that I am addicted to sugar. I may even be addicted to food in general. I was at the grocery store with my mom today and at the checkout are the candies. Reese's, Twix, Butterfingers, York Peppermint Patty, M&Ms...the list goes on and on. I nearly cried because I wanted some (and I really didn't care which one either) chocolate yumminess (that usually isn't all that yummy after I eat it) so badly.   I am so glad I am going to be going to a therapist starting on Thursday. I HAVE GOT to get this crap under control before my surgery. I should already be at least 20 pounds down by now and I think I'm the same weight I was last month. I'm awful about not logging any meal that isn't good for me. I'll log all the ones that are right on track though. I don't even understand why I want the stuff. It doesn't taste good most of the time and then I feel all kinds of guilty after I eat it. Other times I'm just so depressed that I couldn't give a rats patootie what I eat, so I don't eat what I'm supposed to. Like tonight mom bought pizza for dinner. I could have run over here to my house and gotten the leftover chicken and broccoli from the other night. No carbs hardly at all. I could have been a good girl, but no. I just didn't care. I was tired, hungry, and depressed and so I ended up eating two pieces of pizza, a cheesy bread stick with marinara sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie since I figured I'd already blown the whole meal anyway. Now I'm just tired and even more depressed.   How do you fight an addiction to food? I'm scared that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Going from a see food diet to a no food diet. I guess that's something for the therapist to deal with, huh? I hate this. I'm going to bed. Night night.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Addictions

Addictions come in all sorts of forms. The most common forms of addiction people think of are drugs and alcohol. And those are both, obviously, bad. There's other addictions too though. There's addictions to soda pop, bread, pasta, cookies, cakes and other pastries, food in general. I think most people that have gotten to "OMG I have to do something about my weight or I'm going to die" have some form of food addiction. I've been realizing, albeit way too slowly, that I am addicted to sugar. I may even be addicted to food in general. I was at the grocery store with my mom today and at the checkout are the candies. Reese's, Twix, Butterfingers, York Peppermint Patty, M&Ms...the list goes on and on. I nearly cried because I wanted some (and I really didn't care which one either) chocolate yumminess (that usually isn't all that yummy after I eat it) so badly.   I am so glad I am going to be going to a therapist starting on Thursday. I HAVE GOT to get this crap under control before my surgery. I should already be at least 20 pounds down by now and I think I'm the same weight I was last month. I'm awful about not logging any meal that isn't good for me. I'll log all the ones that are right on track though. I don't even understand why I want the stuff. It doesn't taste good most of the time and then I feel all kinds of guilty after I eat it. Other times I'm just so depressed that I couldn't give a rats patootie what I eat, so I don't eat what I'm supposed to. Like tonight mom bought pizza for dinner. I could have run over here to my house and gotten the leftover chicken and broccoli from the other night. No carbs hardly at all. I could have been a good girl, but no. I just didn't care. I was tired, hungry, and depressed and so I ended up eating two pieces of pizza, a cheesy bread stick with marinara sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie since I figured I'd already blown the whole meal anyway. Now I'm just tired and even more depressed.   How do you fight an addiction to food? I'm scared that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Going from a see food diet to a no food diet. I guess that's something for the therapist to deal with, huh? I hate this. I'm going to bed. Night night.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Addictions

Addictions come in all sorts of forms. The most common forms of addiction people think of are drugs and alcohol. And those are both, obviously, bad. There's other addictions too though. There's addictions to soda pop, bread, pasta, cookies, cakes and other pastries, food in general. I think most people that have gotten to "OMG I have to do something about my weight or I'm going to die" have some form of food addiction. I've been realizing, albeit way too slowly, that I am addicted to sugar. I may even be addicted to food in general. I was at the grocery store with my mom today and at the checkout are the candies. Reese's, Twix, Butterfingers, York Peppermint Patty, M&Ms...the list goes on and on. I nearly cried because I wanted some (and I really didn't care which one either) chocolate yumminess (that usually isn't all that yummy after I eat it) so badly.   I am so glad I am going to be going to a therapist starting on Thursday. I HAVE GOT to get this crap under control before my surgery. I should already be at least 20 pounds down by now and I think I'm the same weight I was last month. I'm awful about not logging any meal that isn't good for me. I'll log all the ones that are right on track though. I don't even understand why I want the stuff. It doesn't taste good most of the time and then I feel all kinds of guilty after I eat it. Other times I'm just so depressed that I couldn't give a rats patootie what I eat, so I don't eat what I'm supposed to. Like tonight mom bought pizza for dinner. I could have run over here to my house and gotten the leftover chicken and broccoli from the other night. No carbs hardly at all. I could have been a good girl, but no. I just didn't care. I was tired, hungry, and depressed and so I ended up eating two pieces of pizza, a cheesy bread stick with marinara sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie since I figured I'd already blown the whole meal anyway. Now I'm just tired and even more depressed.   How do you fight an addiction to food? I'm scared that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Going from a see food diet to a no food diet. I guess that's something for the therapist to deal with, huh? I hate this. I'm going to bed. Night night.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Addictions

Addictions come in all sorts of forms. The most common forms of addiction people think of are drugs and alcohol. And those are both, obviously, bad. There's other addictions too though. There's addictions to soda pop, bread, pasta, cookies, cakes and other pastries, food in general. I think most people that have gotten to "OMG I have to do something about my weight or I'm going to die" have some form of food addiction. I've been realizing, albeit way too slowly, that I am addicted to sugar. I may even be addicted to food in general. I was at the grocery store with my mom today and at the checkout are the candies. Reese's, Twix, Butterfingers, York Peppermint Patty, M&Ms...the list goes on and on. I nearly cried because I wanted some (and I really didn't care which one either) chocolate yumminess (that usually isn't all that yummy after I eat it) so badly.   I am so glad I am going to be going to a therapist starting on Thursday. I HAVE GOT to get this crap under control before my surgery. I should already be at least 20 pounds down by now and I think I'm the same weight I was last month. I'm awful about not logging any meal that isn't good for me. I'll log all the ones that are right on track though. I don't even understand why I want the stuff. It doesn't taste good most of the time and then I feel all kinds of guilty after I eat it. Other times I'm just so depressed that I couldn't give a rats patootie what I eat, so I don't eat what I'm supposed to. Like tonight mom bought pizza for dinner. I could have run over here to my house and gotten the leftover chicken and broccoli from the other night. No carbs hardly at all. I could have been a good girl, but no. I just didn't care. I was tired, hungry, and depressed and so I ended up eating two pieces of pizza, a cheesy bread stick with marinara sauce, and a chocolate chip cookie since I figured I'd already blown the whole meal anyway. Now I'm just tired and even more depressed.   How do you fight an addiction to food? I'm scared that I'm going to go from one extreme to the other. Going from a see food diet to a no food diet. I guess that's something for the therapist to deal with, huh? I hate this. I'm going to bed. Night night.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Obstacles

Today was an awesome, albeit a dietetic frustration, day. Mom and I went out today. She had a couple of Dr. appointments and since she pretty much refuses to wear her prescription glasses ("I can see the big stuff" she says) I drive her around on a regular basis (much to the chagrin of my nerves).   I get home from taking the oldest to school (the boy refuses to get a drivers license!) and decide to unload some of the articles from my mom's storage locker that I've had in my trunk for the last week. Freezing my arse off I gave up on that idea pretty fast. By this time I decide to go inside and warm up, maybe get some hot tea, and make breakfast. I was thinking my usual 2 eggs, sunny side up with a cup of greek yogurt. Lots of protein! Yeah...that didn't happen because I had just started to get the stuff together to do that when mom asks what I'm doing - we have to leave in 15 minutes for the Dr. "But that's this afternoon!" "Dr. Mike is this afternoon. This morning I have to see Emily" I'm thinking "well, poop. I don't even have time to make a shake before we leave" (and my tummy has already been growling for an hour. Oh joy. We Get her to the Dr. and don't get out of there until almost 11:30. It's lunch time! Ok, mom, where to eat? "How's Panera or Olive Garden sound?" Well, considering the last time I ate at Olive Garden I could find something that I could eat, but it cost a bloody fortune for a lunch menu (which we found out later was actually put in the computer as a dinner item) and I had gas so bad it hurt, I chose Panera. Surely there's something at Panera I could eat without compromising my diet too badly. Then I saw it...New England Clam Chowder. My favorite soup in the world aside of Olive Garden's Zupa Toscana. So I decided on a half Chicken Caesar Salad and a cup of soup for lunch with an apple (which I gave to mom). Big, big, huge mistake all the way around. The salad tasted okay, but it ended up causing pain in my gut. The soup...well, I could only get down two bites it was so icky. Have you ever had potatoes in soup that you can tell they've been frozen by the way they mush when you bite into them and remind you of really nasty instant mashed potatoes that weren't really mixed all that well? That's what these potatoes were like. Eww. My clam chowder tastes like a gourmet chef prepared it compared to what this was today. Thankfully, the lack of desirability for me to eat that soup saved me major amounts of caloric intake for lunch.   Not even an hour and a half later, mom states she needs something to satiate her sweet tooth. I managed to put that one off until almost 3. She wanted either TCBY or Olive Garden. I knew TCBY had a greek frozen yogurt so I went there and had half of their little cup of the Greek Honey Vanilla yogurt topped with a spoonful of chopped pecans. Nothing else fancy. It actually ended up pretty yummy. I was surprised. Lots of protein again. Yay me! Mom and I are having our yogurts when she asks what we're having for dinner. Doe in the headlights look greeted this question. I have no clue. We forgot to take anything out to defrost and we aren't going to feel like cooking and cleaning after this. I agreed, but what to do for dinner? Mom's suggestions....#1 on the list - Spaghetti. #2 on the list - Macaroni topped with baked beans #3 on the list - Lasagna (are you starting to see a pattern here?) So I went with #3 and let her know that I had leftovers from last night that I could heat up to eat while they had that. When we went to the grocer, though, I ended up finding this Healthy Choice Steamers Chicken & Broccoli Alfredo and Oikos Lemon Meringue yogurt. OMG! both were so yummy!!! I could so totally see getting some spaghetti squash and pouring that over it! Speaking of Spaghetti squash! This truly is the best way I have found to cook spaghetti squash! It makes the strands actually LOOK like spaghetti! It's amazing, truly! After I put all of what I ate today into My Fitness Pal (MFP) I found out that I actually made my protein goal! 77 grams of protein taken in today and that's before my cheese slice that I have before bed, which will up my total to 80+ grams today. I could actually see myself hitting 100 grams if I had had my eggs and yogurt this morning. That amazed me.   What also amazed me was all the things I WANTED to eat today. The San Fransisco sourdough bread mom bought today...the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups at the checkout at the grocery....All the pastries at Panera and the bakery...the clam chowder that I ultimately caved in on (but was thankfully thwarted of because of the taste of it)...the lasagna that the rest of the family had along with the garlic Texas toast...the Hershey Kiss Thumbprint cookies mom bought because the family just HAD to have a sweet treat. (I'm really glad she hid those because I really did go looking for them after dinner because they looked SO good!) I swear I was like a recovering alcoholic that was thrown into a bar! I'm truly addicted to sweets. Not candy, per se, but mostly pastries and cookies and stuff like that. Though even seeing the open bag of chocolate chips in the pantry is a massive temptation to grab a handful to eat by themselves. Do they have sugar eaters anonymous or something like that? "Hi, My name is Alex and I'm addicted to sugar" I am, too. And milk. OMG I think I would die if I couldn't have milk anymore.   So, that's my discovery for today...I'm addicted to sugar. I wonder what I'll discover about myself tomorrow?
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
peteandsummer123's Blog
 

Not losing weight anymore

Hey everyone, So I have not lost any weight in about 5 or so days and prior to that it was only a pound. Previously I had been losing a pound a day but now I am just stuck. I am 6 ish weeks out and still following the meal plan. I am working out and keeping my calories at about 500 which is suggested. I know I am not drinking enough water or getting enough protein. I am just focused on calories because my dietician said I wasn't getting enough in. Should I change my focus to protein maybe? It is just really frustrating to be stuck at this weight when I feel like I am doing everything right. Does anyone else have this problem? What did you do? I have a goal of losing 15 pounds in the next 6 weeks for a trip I am taking. I'd really like to fit into my clothes comfortably, ya know. Maybe I'll just go back to shakes and water? Thanks for your time and your input.
peteandsummer123

peteandsummer123

1
Am I Ready For This???
 

Today is another day

Today is cold, dreary, grey...the kind of day that would normally make me want to stay in bed and forget about the world because weather like this depresses me major. But not today. It's really hard to be depressed when the shower I took this morning was the BEST shower I have taken in over a year!!!!   Yes, the best shower in over a year. Why, you ask? What made this shower better than any other shower in the history of showers?   I didn't cry!   Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but let me give you a little bit of background on my showers over the past couple of years. My skin is hypersensitive. Like, clothes hurt hypersensitive. No, I don't live in a nudist colony so I don't have to wear clothes. But I don't like wearing clothes because they hurt. I do it...obviously, but even if I could get by without wearing clothes all the time, I wouldn't. I don't like what I look like. I'd rather deal with the pain of the clothes on my skin than the pain of grossing people out with what was under my clothes. I've always loved showers. I'd spend close to an hour in the shower if I could get by with it. (enough hot water and all that jazz). But that changed about 4 years ago. The water from the shower head gradually began hurting more and more until about a year and a half ago (maybe it's been two years now) showers began hurting so bad that I would cry every time I took a shower. Since I'm not a major masochist, I took to taking showers only once a week or so, washing my hair every other day in between by hanging my head over the side of the tub and using the handheld shower head. I missed my long, hot showers that relaxed my aching muscles. I missed the feeling of the water running down my back.   Today was the first time in so...Soooo long that when I finally got the courage up to put my back under the falling water I didn't realize for at least a minute that I wasn't in tears from the pain. It was the mild annoyance of long ago. The kind of mild annoyance that is easy to ignore. When I used my loofa to clean my skin, it didn't feel like I was washing myself with course sand paper! Afterwards I could brush my hair without going 'Ow!' every other stroke! I don't know if this miracle is going to last beyond today, but I am so grateful for the reprieve (if even only for a day).
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

0
Am I Ready For This???
 

Am I ready for this?!...Take 2

Am I ready for this?! ......No. ..... Yes. ..... Maybe. ....Wait. What was the question?   Am I ready for what? ... This blog that isn't a blog (in my opinion), but a journal of what is going on in this journey called life? Life itself? This weight loss surgery that I am desperately attempting to prepare for?   This blog I'm definitely not ready for, but I'm going to do it anyway because maybe by getting over some of my fears, I'll be able to conquer others and hopefully inspire other people to conquer their own inner chicken. Yes, I said inner chicken. It was something that I heard at my youngest son's poetry slam a few months ago and it just stuck with me. Why be afraid of writing a blog? Ummm...because I'm not a very good writer? Because...people can be downright cruel? Because I may be judged for writing what I write? There's a number of things that would make my inner chicken quiver in its boots. (Yes, my inner chicken wears big, heavy, poop kickers! and those poop kickers regularly kick my big behind)   Life itself? Who the heck is ready for life itself? Why the heck do you think babies come into this world kicking and screaming? They want back in!!! They are screaming "Put me back in! Put me BACK IN! This place is cold, and loud, and bright, and scary! Put me back where it's quiet, and warm, and comfy, and safe." Some babies grow out of that. Those are the ones that grow into little dare devils. The ones that will give their mothers figurative heart attacks by climbing to the tallest point (quite literally) of the playground where mommy can't reach them and sit down to seemingly ponder the world around them. Yes. This is what my oldest did to me when he was three. He was the one that came a little over a month early (though he tried for 2 months early). Didn't make a sound when he was born. (scared the crap out of me because I thought he was born dead or something) Made up for that fact profusely later (as evidenced in Blockbuster video where he screamed so loud and long that the entire place came running to find out what I was doing to the poor child). And now wants to go into the Navy after he graduates high school in a few months. And now my middle child, my little girl, is wanting to go to a college prep school so she can be a veterinarian at the ripe old age of 12 and the youngest of my 3 big brood is about to start middle school, leaving behind the last remnants of elementary school that I'll have to deal with forever. Am I ready for life itself? NOOOO!!! Put me back in! PUT ME BACK IN!!!!! I'M NOT READY!!!! Yeah, that's going to happen. .... NOT!   Am I ready for this weight loss surgery that I'm desperately trying to prepare for? Yes. Unequivocally Yes. Without a shadow of a doubt I am ready for this. I know I'm ready. I think I'm ready. Am I ready? You know...I hope so. It's scary. Not the surgery itself. I'm not scared about that. This surgery will be number 14 in a long line of surgeries. Everything from my first surgery at age 5 to remove rectal polyps to having my tonsils and adenoids out the day before I turned 6 to a complete hysterectomy a little over 3 years ago because of major pain I was having in my gut that turned out to be IBS. So I'm no stranger to having surgery. What I'm scared of is not succeeding yet again.   I went on my first actual Dr. supervised diet at the age of 9. I've been yo-yo dieting ever since. Over 30 years of yo-yo dieting. I've tried everything it seems like. I've tried Advocare, Herbalife, Atkins, Cabbage soup, the diabetes diet, Alli, Phenergan, Slim fast, weight watchers...lots of different diets. It was after I stepped on the scale at the Dr. office in July of 2013 and it read 310 pounds that I finally had had enough of this mess. I haven't been below 200 pounds in 18 years. (i was 198 when I got pregnant with my oldest son who will be 18 in a few months). As soon as I left the Dr. I went directly to Best Buy and bought a FitBit and an Aria scale. Best money I had spent in years. I actually got down to 246 pounds in about a years time. But as with all the other times, I gained again. This time topping out at 286. I stayed there for several months. In August 2016, after a physical therapy session, I saw a flyer for a weight loss surgery seminar that the hospital was hosting. It got me thinking about weight loss surgery again for, like, the millionth time in the past 20 years. But I already knew where I wanted to go. The thing was convincing the one person who would talk me out of it just like she had every other time that I thought about it...my mom. I didn't have to worry anymore about my husband forbidding it as he had for years because he had died in 2013. So the issue was how to get mom to realize that this was going to be the best option for me. One of the local hospitals was hosting a seminar soon. I would take her to it. I had already talked to the nice people at Roller Weight Loss and had already watched their online seminar and had made up my mind that was where I wanted to go for my surgery, but mom wouldn't watch the seminar. But she would go to the seminar being hosted a couple towns over. Two weeks later, after we left the seminar, my mom looked at me and said, "You have to have this surgery. I don't want to lose you." And that was that. After I got the money together for the registration fee for Roller (my birthday present from me to me last year) I scheduled my first appointment. Unfortunately, that appointment couldn't be until November 4.   November 4 came faster than I imagined it would. That day felt like i was put through the proverbial wringer. Fasting blood work, nutrition appointment, EKG, breathing test, H-Pylori test (that was a first. Had never heard of that one before), chest x-rays, OMG! This was absolutely insane. Though, I was grateful that they were being so thorough with my care. They don't want to take anything to chance. So, now, I'm getting ready for my fourth Diet and Exercise appointment on February 6. Less than a week away. Then I have March and April Appointments to get through and then I will be scheduled to have surgery within a few weeks of that last appointment.   Easy breezy rice and cheezy, right? Yeah, not for me. No. See, I haven't lost much weight since that first month. I think I've lost 14 pounds since November 4. And it's entirely my fault! Over the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of thinking about WHY I haven't stuck with my pre-op diet. Don't I want to lose weight? Don't I want to see my future grand babies? Don't I want to see my daughter graduate veterinary school? Don't I want to see my little squirt graduate high school? YES!!! I want all those things! So what's the big deal? What's my major malfunction preventing me from getting what I want? My head is majorly screwed up. That's my major malfunction. So, I decided to do something about it. I went back to the therapist yesterday. I did it. I finally kicked my inner chicken back. My inner chicken is still there. Yes, it is. But for this, it's backed off. I'll be going every week and a half to get help with my major depression and anxiety disorders. To get help with pain management that has me in tears often because of my upper back pain. To get help conquering my personal demons that prevent me from getting a good night's sleep most nights.   Why haven't I gone sooner you might ask. Well, it's a deep subject. I went to several after my husband committed suicide in 2013. I only found one that began to help. Then I was fired from a job I had had for nearly 15 years because i was always sick and hadn't put in a 40 hour work week in almost a year, thus losing me my insurance and the therapist that was beginning to help. Then I tried the only therapy place that Medicaid would cover. That ended up being a total disaster. You know, seeing someone maybe once a month if you're lucky when you don't want to be on the face of the earth anymore doesn't help a whole heck of a lot. So, March 15, 2014 I stopped going to that place. Stopped getting help of any kind. Tried to find a boyfriend. Found a good friend that helped as much as he could. Now, I help him at his shop when I can, but I barely hear from him. It makes me really sad. And I went back to that unhelpful place yesterday because I realized that I can't do this by myself. And I can't lean on my mom for everything because she has her own personal demons to fight and she leans on me to battle those and I'm afraid (scared to death really) that she's developing dementia like my Grams did.   The lady I met yesterday I like. And the funniest, most ironic thing possible happened. I found out that she is in the pre-op stages of getting the same surgery I'm getting through the same clinic that I'm going through. My new therapist is going through the same thing I am as far as bariatric surgery goes. Crazy, right?! I'm trying to understand why I do the things I do. Why it is that EVERY SINGLE Blessed time that i am going good on a diet (I've lost a ton of weight, people notice and compliment me, I'm getting into smaller clothes) I just stop. Just. Flat. Stop. It makes no sense to me. Not even a penny of sense. Why do I jeopardize every diet? Why do I always blame it on someone else? It's someone else that's sabotaging me. Not me. I know that to be a cart full of bologna. But it's what I do. And I want to know why. I mean I know I'm scared of not knowing what I'm going to look like afterwards. I know I'm scared of having to change practically every aspect of myself (the way I dress, the way I eat, the way I organize things, the way I plan things) And that, I think would be scary for anyone, let alone someone with anxiety issues and major depression amongst several other things.   That is why I'm starting this journal of sorts, this blog. To chronicle these steps I'm going to be taking to a new me. Hopefully, by the end of it all, I will be able to see someone in the mirror that I'm proud of being. Someone that I'm not ashamed of. Someone who is able to stand up and take charge of her life, goals, and new dreams. Someone who can kick her inner chicken and its poop kickers to the curb, pluck it, and have it for dinner!   God and Heaven Bless and Protect you always.
Hoping052017

Hoping052017

1
George_NJ's Blog
 

Day two of being back on the wagon

After 31 lbs of weight gain over the last year of being off the wagon the alarm bells finally started ringing in my head. I had grown complacent with the slow gain. I had plateaued at 211 and fell back into eating the wrong stuff, not exercising. The sleeve part held good, I still can't eat like I used to before the sleeve but I began grazing junk food.   I had fallen back into the trap of rewarding, comforting & punishing myself with food. I had recently made some break throughs in some old childhood abuse issues and that has helped me get a hold of the out of control drive cycle to eat myself to death & some other poor coping skills that beset in my mind early on.   Yesterday I just had a glass of Unjury Chocolate for breakfast & lunch, no grazing, a healthy dinner & an hour long fast walk and I'm down 2lbs this morning, that's good motivation for someone like me. I just ordered more Unjury to make sure that I have it on hand for no excuses...
George_NJ

George_NJ

3
jennifer1's Blog
 

Big Fat Failure!

Sooooo i just looked at my blog and see it's been like 5 years since I posted!!!!! WOOOOOOWWWW!!! So if i wrote everything that has happened in those 5 years this would be like 8 pages long, so i will make it short as possible. I met my goal size of a 12 within 11 months of having my band. I was good at maintaining for like 2.5 years. And then my band and i started fighting more and more. Between life, band slippages, emergency unfills, relationship changes and the death of my mother i have basically gained all my weight back. I am back to a size 16 and my original size preband was a 20. I have changed jobs and now am in the process of getting my band removed and revised to a vertical sleeve. I have had many emotions about this from embarrassment, shame, anger, etc. I was self pay for the lap band, but my current insurance does pay for the surgery.     I was submitted for the removal of my lap band and revision to a sleeve and was DENIED!! To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. I am in the process of having my doctor submit further explanation of why it is medically necessary to remove my band.   This time will be different. I will be going to support groups and doing thing before that i hated like actually tracking food and gym times.   I'm pretty sure no one even follows this blog anymore, but i am keeping my youtube blog up to date! Thanks for stopping by!
jennifer1

jennifer1

8
Elisabetta's Blog
 

Post-Op...so many questions

I'm a newbie, just has my gastric sleeve on Monday, January 9th. Surgery has totally kicked my butt. I stayed in the hospital for 2 nights due to complications with water intake. Now, that I'm home, I still struggle with water intake. I seem to handle the protein shake with no problems. However, no matter how small the sips, I feel a lot of pressure with water. Followed by burping. I've always been a big water drinker, so it's really frustrating me that I can't seem to tolerate water now. Is this normal, will this subside?   Also, I'm having a lot of numbness in my lower extremities. The hospital discharge sheet listed this as a minor complication, However, it's alarming to me and I don't know how worried I should be about this.   Overall, I feel a lot of weakness and like each of my limbs weigh 100 pounds each. I was sent home with oxygen, which I'm being told is normal. Are others experiencing any of these same things?   Thank you.
Elisabetta

Elisabetta

2
probiolife's Blog
 

Nucific Bio X4 Necessary Information to Know

Necessary information about Nucific Bio X4   Weight loss industry promotes a lot of supplements and magic pills that claim they have the possibility of fulfilling one of your most crave dream – which is to look fit, stay healthy and lose the extra pounds that make you so unpleasant with the way you or your body look. If you start to search this area of the supplement industry, sooner or later you will find out about Nucific Bio X4.   This is a very popular supplement for people interested in losing weight fast and without having to go to extreme lengths in order to achieve that. Its composition is made especially for the protection of your metabolism and empowers you to take control of your appetite so that you won’t develop any unnecessary or unwanted issues with your digestive system.   Those who are interested in buying or trying this wonderful product should definitely know more about it, so we’ve thought about giving you a few necessary information about Nucific iBo x4 that can help you make up your mind about it.   First, let’s find out who exactly can benefit of Nucific bio x4’s properties. Well, exactly everyone that is searching for a new way to slim down, as natural as this process can be done. This means without having to go through extreme or radical lifestyle changes or needing to follow a drug prescription pill, which can be very dangerous for your health.   Nucific bio x4 saves you from some of the most impossible-to- keep-up-with diets or impossible-to-restrain-from-eating-what-your-body-craves-for types of foods and sweets. So, if you are well aware of your issues with the hunger and craving times, and you are eager to get the body you want and know you deserve, Nucific bio x4 might be all that you need.   You can try to benefit of Nucifix bio x4 for a 90 days period of time, risk-free and fully covered up in benefits for your health, such as: fat-burn and loss positive results, improvement of the digestive system, increasing energy levels. If you are not pleased with the results or if you see that the product doesn’t work for you the same it works for everyone else, you can stop the treatment at any time, and you can get your money refund, without any more questions or troubles. Why? Because Nucific bio x4 offers you 90 days to observe the results and if you don’t like what you see, you can always send the order back in these 90 days and get the full refund back.   Nucific bio x4 is very simple to use and it doesn’t depend on what you are eating or not. You just need to take one capsule per day, before you eat. Then you can enjoy every type of meal you want.   Besides the fact that Nucific bio x4 is well equipped with ingredients that can ease your cravings for unhealthy foods, you should also know what this product doesn’t contain: no fillers, no lactose, or vegetarian capsules.
probiolife

probiolife

0
GastricSleeveGalJourney
 

Month 12 - No Desire to Eat

I am now 124.   But.....I still can't eat a lot. And I mean almost just a hunk of chicken or fish or a bit of potato and Im done.   I have no desire to eat food, it all taste bland to me. I tried different ways to spice it up but it don't help. Maybe once I am able to eat more and I hope soon that food will be enjoyable again.   And its even harder when your limited due to allergies to dairy and wheat, and I don't like fruits and vegetables. Very limited. And I don't even have room to eat it because I need the protein first but I can't get enough. I will get much les if I split it with veggies or with a starch.   Anyone else have the same problem?
skp

skp

2
Welcome to my journey toward being able to walk again!
 

10 months post op

Hi folks I know I haven't written anything since June. That is mainly because I am finally living a life I should have been living all along. It has been a little bit past 10 months since I had my 3 procedure surgeries for hernia repair, gallbladder removal and the sleeve. In those ten months I have lost 95 pounds for a total weight loss of 277 from my highest weight. I am still 40 pounds from my goal. I still can't stand for more than 5 minutes without pain. I must still use a cane to walk for a short 5 minutes until the pain starts. The back surgeon doesn't want to do any operations on my 4 bulging discs and spinal stenosis until I have gotten to my goal and had skin removal surgery. Why I really do not know.   However despite the limited time I can stand and walk I am able to do so much more than I ever could before losing 277 pounds. In March of this year I became the social director of our community and (with the help of many wonderful volunteers) have been able to plan and implement many wonderful Summer, Fall and Seasonal activities for our community. I have also been able to finally assist my room mate with bringing in the packages from our shopping trips. This year I was able to assemble the Christmas tree string the lights and put the ornaments on by myself while my room mate decorated the outside. What a wonderful feeling that was! In years past all I could do was tell him which branches to put the ornaments on. I have started attending Bingo on Tuesdays, Friday Morning social and Trivia nights. I have lived in this community for 26 years and this year I have met some of the wonderful people who live here. I have also taken on some new and different teaching responsibilities at my work with longer hours.   I am not at my goal yet, but I know I will get there. The weight loss has started to slow down but I am going to increase my exercise and do more than riding my bike and swimming. In 2017 I will probably join a gym and hopefully be able to do some sit down exercises of the circuit. I meet with my back surgeon again on Monday Dec 5th to review the x-rays and nerve conduction tests they were finally able to take. There is some talk about me getting an epidural in my back and seeing if that will reduce or eliminate the pain. If it wasn't for this horrible back pain I know I could do so much more than I am all ready. However I am thrilled to be doing what I am and to have finally had a life outside of the house.   Until I write again Have a wonderful Holiday Season, Stay healthy and happy! I know I will!
ssflbelle

ssflbelle

0
GastricSleeveGalJourney
 

Month 11

I am now way past my goal weight: ) I am now 128.6. Been around that for the past month.   I am still struggling with food. Still on the protein meal replacements. But getting tired of them because I am so limited in food. And the shakes are dairy free and they are the only ones I can handle.   Im no where near getting the protein intake I need. I still can only eat an egg and I am full. I can eat a bowl of oatmeal what ever amount is i the package with peanut butter, but it takes me a good 30 mins plus to finish.   I can have about 1/4c Rice and say about an oz of meat and I am full. Thats pretty much my portion for any meal.   I struggle because I am so limited since eI don't do dairy and wheat, well try not too. And I hate a lot of the veggies except starchy ones like carrots, potato, set potato, yams, butternut. And I only like certain fruits and mainly in shakes. I can only handle to be able to eat it. Like a small green apple.   I desperately need help with meal planning to make sure I have everything I need for my body. I am doing IVF in the Spring and I want to be able to eat a lot more then what I can. I am almost a year post wls.   I will post pics as soon as I am able to.   Loving the weightless. But hate my diet.  
skp

skp

0
Nootropics
 

How Can Nootropic Supplements Change Out Way We Think

Nootropics are likewise called savvy drugs or intellectual enhancers. Nootropics are medications, supplements, or different substances that enhance psychological capacity, especially official capacities, memory, imagination, or inspiration. Nootropics are rapidly turned into the most elegant medication these days. Many people are taking nootropics and they consider it the secret to a healthy life. However, do they work? Furthermore, are they harmless?   Firstly, let us start with the pros of the supplement. The advantage of it is that the nootropics work by shielding the neurons in our brain from harm and reinforcing neuroplasticity, the reaction to tactile information. That implies changes to our ability to focus, memory, capacity, and in general intellectual health. Nootropics have been shown convincing among people who encounter the ill impacts of mental deficiencies, including Alzheimer's sickness, however, whether they give mind- boosting effects to the healthy individual is still indistinguishable. Still, nootropics positively affect the brain. There are numerous nootropics available and more studies are being produced to see which kind of nootropic works the best. Meanwhile, try to take nootropics and will surely boost your brain. To summarize what nootropics are, I can say that nootropics are “good drugs” also called “smart drugs” that are so useful when it comes to boosting our memory, attention, and efficiency. We can find nootropics in one ingredient or combined with others. Any product combined with nootropics will boost our minds helping us taking the best decisions and the most important leading us in reaching our goals.   In the second place, like any product, it has disadvantages. A lot of something to be thankful for, at a particular moment it can become dangerous. Taking nootropics does not appear to be destructive or unsafe, when taken once in a while or when you require a mental support, however, it is constantly conceivable that the body will develop a resistance for retroactive items if abused. Try to consume small doses of nootropics; it is not recommended to take it without any control because who knows the amount you are truly taking? Consuming too much can cause infections in our bodies like indigestion, dysentery; however, it will cause our heart to beat faster, temperature and blood in our bodies will rise and will lead us to some dangerous levels.   To sum up, on the off chance that you need an incredible and amazing item for brain-boosting, try nootropics; but first, it is recommended to consult with the specialists. One item that has numerous fixings could be incredible; every one of its measurements and ingredients is plainly safe. At the point when considering taking nootropics, as with any supplement, do research, read articles, remember the upsides and downsides of the product. You would prefer not to wind up dependent, or hyperactive. And one more piece of advice from me, do not take it in big doses and for a long period of time; start with small doses, take it first only for a few days and try to notice if it has helped you, how you have changed during this period and how you feel. If it has good effects on you, continue taking it but do not forget that this does not have to be a part of your daily routine.   More about the smart drugs from a scientific view here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4462043/
miriamchole

miriamchole

0
It's not about perfect
 

Surgery

We flew into Boca Raton on Sunday afternoon, found our hotel and got our bearings. On Monday, I went to the medical center and had my pre-op work done. They took my information, drew my blood, took chest x-rays, and an EKG. Everything checked out fine and I was asked to arrive in the morning at 6:00am. I was nervous, but felt somewhat removed. I'd resolved to do this, survived the interminable two week liquid diet, taken my "before" pics; I was ready, but I wasn't sure I knew what I was in for. Surgery weight: 239.4--Wooohooo! Pre-surgery, I was asked to change into a giant paper gown and booties. They put an I.V. in my arm and a myriad of people came to meet me; the anesthesiologist, the intern, the nurses, and the surgeon. I sent a text to my family and told them I was going in and that I loved them. The anesthesiologist came back and told me he was going to give me something to relax. He explained that this wasn't the "sleep" medication, just relaxation, but I honestly don't remember anything after that! I woke up in recovery, but was so groggy, all I remember is hearing the nurse say she would call my mother. Then I was in my hospital room. The nurse explained that my pump had morphine and I could push the button when I had pain. I pushed it a lot. The hours after surgery are so hazy.... I know the surgeon came in and explained that the surgery went well, that he'd repaired my hiatal hernia (who knew I had a hernia?!) and that I'd done well with my liquid diet. I pushed the button every chance I had, and slept most of these hours. Part way through the night my breath rate dropped, apparently too much morphine makes you forget to breathe! My nurse came in and asked me if I was having pain. I wasn't, but I was terribly nauseous. So, I decided to stop pushing the morphine. A few hours later (time was surreal at this point), I felt okay. No more nausea, so I decided to try to walk. My nurse was surprised, but she helped me. I made it about 15 feet and had to go back to bed. Too nauseated again. I tried again a short while later. The first night, I walked four times! By morning I felt pretty good, sore, but not pained. Then I was sent to radiology for a swallow test. I've seen gastografin before, but what they handed me was like the worst poison in the world. I managed three tiny sips, stood like a statue for the imaging, and retched uncontrollably. Thankfully, they had the images they needed and I returned to my room. Those three tiny sips sent me spiraling. I was nauseated for hours and my stomach hurt. When I'd recovered from that I was given a pitcher of water and several medicine cups and told to start sipping. Sipping hurt! I failed at this until the nurse explained that I had to drink, or would not be released the next day. So I walked, and I sipped, sipped, sipped, walked......   All of this was over a week ago, and I'm home now. I am surprised to find myself struggling. I've got the sipping thing down, but can barely get in 48 oz, and force myself to finish 64 oz. I'm still on full liquid, and have not figured out how to schedule all of my protein drinks. So, I'm super tired. The pain has decreased dramatically, and I can walk easily for 30 mins now.   So I have written out a schedule for myself, hour by hour, of how much I have to have in. So WEIRD to struggle with water! I am not hungry, but have had a few moments of foreshadowing where I get a "craving" for something. Makes me laugh because my head has no understanding of this new reality.
cat17

cat17

1
Katra's Journey
 

10 Days Post-Op and Still Learning the Ropes

My first blog post. I am 10 days post op and still finding this whole thing bizarre and difficult. The one thing I miss the most nearly every moment of the day is not having to be careful how much water I drink at a time. If you gave me a 20oz bottle of water before surgery, it would be gone within 3 minutes. Seriously. I gulped water like it was my job. I love water. This sip by sip stuff sucks! It's not at all satisfying to me and I just want to drink my whole cup of water in one short sitting. why am I like that? Why didn't I consider changing that habit before surgery? It didn't dawn on me that I wouldn't be able to drink massive amouts of water. I mean, it's just water. I easily drank 150oz+ of water every single day. Since surgery I've been mostly lucky to get 10oz a day. Though since Thursday, I've been really pushing myself and have reached about 24oz a day, probably more.   I'm having lots of trouble with protein, though. Part of it is that I am just not hungry ever. I always feel full. And I've made the mistake of feeling overfull - I do not recommend reaching that point. It left me pacing between my couch and the bathroom, waiting to throw up, which I never did.   It's so hard to get used to drinking.eating so little. I'm so tired and so weak. I know I need calories and protein, but I also don't want to make myself sick in the process.   So that's where I'm at on day 10.
katragina

katragina

0

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