I am not a cryer: The Food Bucket List

[fatgirlsvelte 217]

I am not a cryer.

Today, I made the food Bucket List...and when talking myself through it in my YouTube vlog, I cried.

I have avoided doing this because the initial idea of the exercise was terrible to me. We are fat...so why spend the six months we are supposed to be learning to disconnect with food eating our desires? The Options program leader said it was time for me to finish the assignment, as the others in my class already had and were talking about it gleefully; rolled my eyes and said I'd have it done before the next class.

Never before has my brain comprehended it's learned reality that food equals happiness; that food was the bright spot in a lifetime of a lot of pain...and the grief washed over me. It was totally unexpected. I tried to recover, but it killed my energy, and I had to have a long heart-to-heart with myself this afternoon about reality versus perception; that food truly is not happiness, and that I (we) are addicted to it.

I've been told this countless times in eating disorder counseling the last two years. I could recite the words...but today, I comprehended them.

The exercise of going through writing down all the foods that will be off limits in five months, or that I won't be able to have en masse with family and friends...coming through to the other side was too much to handle. Psychologically, my brain literally connected the following foods to the best moments in my life: traveling, NY Fashion Week, celebrations, love...and for just a brief moment, it thought that I was writing happiness off as a death wish.

Well, I took a really long nap (emotional exhaustion?), and now I'm through to the other side of this, and can see how amazingly wonderful this exercise was for the process—it was hard, but I made the connection:

With this, now I can go back to the past in a way, and address each of these foods as I travel not as happiness, but simply as fuel for the experiences around me. I don't desire the foods, I desire the flashes of brilliance surrounding the food. It's going to be a long five months—but here I go.

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Edited July 31, 2016 by fatgirlsvelte

[Christinamo7 4,041]

this WLS thing is a wild crazy ride!

[fatgirlsvelte 217]

Note: this is totally hitting the nail right on the head, btw. Sent the list to my best friend, and her response was, "OMG—such awesome memories of us at Olive Garden and Buffalo Wild Wings!" Then, "...what a realization to have."

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

All those people who describe food as a source of comfort. Too many never get that it's nothing of the sort. It's more a means of eating one's self into a stupor so as to shut down the pain and its sources.

I also recall talk of "last meals" and last pig-outs during the support group meetings I attended when I was still exploring the possibility of surgery. When my time got closer, I thought I'd do that last fling(s). It occurred to me, though, that it would serve no purpose. What's one more or one less? A "last meal" became meaningless and pointless to me. I recognized that I'd never miss what I chose not to eat and it has played out that way.

How 'bout meeting at Maoz on Union Square? If the 7th Ave. shop is more convenient for you, fine. For mac & cheese, we have S'mac, which I did eat (the "nosh" size -- very Scottish) while losing weight quite nicely. It was rare, though, because, for a short time, I had a "club" of four lapbanders; we stopped in at S'mac a few times after support meetings.

[fatgirlsvelte 217]

Word.

this WLS thing is a wild crazy ride!

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[fatgirlsvelte 217]

Love the idea of meeting at a Maoz in the future ❤️ — I've got some trip planning to do. I imagine that I'll dedicate a whole 10 days to the Wisconsin-Chicago-NYC throwbacks since it is easier to spend a few days at each spot.

And Union is just fine, of course. I'll mark it on the board as a part of the master plan.

All those people who describe food as a source of comfort. Too many never get that it's nothing of the sort. It's more a means of eating one's self into a stupor so as to shut down the pain and its sources.

I also recall talk of "last meals" and last pig-outs during the support group meetings I attended when I was still exploring the possibility of surgery. When my time got closer, I thought I'd do that last fling(s). It occurred to me, though, that it would serve no purpose. What's one more or one less? A "last meal" became meaningless and pointless to me. I recognized that I'd never miss what I chose not to eat and it has played out that way.

How 'bout meeting at Maoz on Union Square? If the 7th Ave. shop is more convenient for you, fine. For mac & cheese, we have S'mac, which I did eat (the "nosh" size -- very Scottish) while losing weight quite nicely. It was rare, though, because, for a short time, I had a "club" of four lapbanders; we stopped in at S'mac a few times after support meetings.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[CTJohn 109]

Can speak only to the band. I wondered.... No more Bagels, turkey clubs, Reuben sandwiches.... Bacon wrapped filet. You know what?

I haven't missed anything. No interest at all. And better yet, no feeling of being deprived.

Hang in there!!

[DaisyAmy 561]

It's hard to wrap your mind around it, but you really don't have to say goodbye to everything - just (maybe) I'll see you later. Many of the things on your list you can have! We eat at BWW often. I usually now get the naked tenders though. Middle eastern? Still can be really healthy -skip the rice. I used to love so many of the things on your list, but they become less appetizing in time. I promise. And some things, I've had small bites of. Usually, it's not worth it. Wishing you all the best. And have some of that Mac and cheese for me!

[gowalking 10,790]

I am not a cryer.

Today, I made the food Bucket List...and when talking myself through it in my YouTube vlog, I cried.

I have avoided doing this because the initial idea of the exercise was terrible to me. We are fat...so why spend the six months we are supposed to be learning to disconnect with food eating our desires? The Options program leader said it was time for me to finish the assignment, as the others in my class already had and were talking about it gleefully; rolled my eyes and said I'd have it done before the next class.

Never before has my brain comprehended it's learned reality that food equals happiness; that food was the bright spot in a lifetime of a lot of pain...and the grief washed over me. It was totally unexpected. I tried to recover, but it killed my energy, and I had to have a long heart-to-heart with myself this afternoon about reality versus perception; that food truly is not happiness, and that I (we) are addicted to it.

I've been told this countless times in eating disorder counseling the last two years. I could recite the words...but today, I comprehended them.

The exercise of going through writing down all the foods that will be off limits in five months, or that I won't be able to have en masse with family and friends...coming through to the other side was too much to handle. Psychologically, my brain literally connected the following foods to the best moments in my life: traveling, NY Fashion Week, celebrations, love...and for just a brief moment, it thought that I was writing happiness off as a death wish.

Well, I took a really long nap (emotional exhaustion?), and now I'm through to the other side of this, and can see how amazingly wonderful this exercise was for the process—it was hard, but I made the connection:

With this, now I can go back to the past in a way, and address each of these foods as I travel not as happiness, but simply as fuel for the experiences around me. I don't desire the foods, I desire the flashes of brilliance surrounding the food. It's going to be a long five months—but here I go.

ImageUploadedByBariatricPal1469928595.511054.jpg

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

My dear girl...I know you and I hear you. I too am a food addict and also thought my happiness would end once I got banded. WLSResources is sooo correct. You come to understand that our perceptions of food are off. Happiness includes food, but is not equated with food. Since losing the weight and getting my health and mobility back, I've never been happier. I still eat for joy...but it is joy, not tamping down the bad feelings by eating to excess. You will understand as you go through the journey and I'm glad to see that you are working on your emotional issues now. I went into therapy after a year with the band for a number of reasons. I'm still in therapy as my overeating was a symptom of much deeper issues that go to my core. It's not easy to get that deep seated poison out but I'm trying. I never want to be where I was before being banded. I promise you that you will feel the same way after you have a few years post op under your belt. Good luck friend and keep posting!

[Daisee68 2,493]

First, I applaud you for going through the exercise. I never did and wish I had.

Second, and I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I still eat at some of those places - just making better (and smaller choices). For example, did you know that BWW has naked grilled chicken tenders? Are they as good as the others? Maybe not, but they honestly are quite good. At Chick-Fil-A, I eat the grilled nuggets (and honestly have had the regular ones once at goal which aren't awfully terrible nutrient-wise if you have room for it in your budget). They also have a small cup of fruit (once you can have fruit) and greek yogurt parfait. Certainly, these are not an everyday occurrence for me, but I do eat out quite often and have even during my weight loss phase.

This last week, I started a new job, and it was VERY stressful emotionally, and in addition to eating lunch out everyday (where I didn't necessarily have a choice in where to go), I also found myself binging at night when I got home. UGH! I tracked it. I am changing it as of Friday and will talk to my therapist about it on Tuesday. I do not want to go back where I was and I am sad that I let my emotional eating rear it's ugly head. All that to say, kudos to you for working through the emotional part now, and know that it will be a life-long work. We (well I anyway) will always be in recovery from food addiction. That is a very sobering thought but it is what it is. I don't dwell on food as much as I used to but I do think about it - more in the fashion of "what CAN I eat" versus "what do I WANT to eat" and sometimes, that alone can be exhausting, but at almost 14 months post-op, it is becoming more normal. But man it is so scary how slippery that slope is. I could VERY easily just "not care" and grab whatever I want. In fact, I was so close to a fast-food stop last night and luckily, I made it home and made a better choice (though not great because I need to go to the grocery store!) Tracking is definitely something I will do forever (or for as long as I can type) because otherwise I don't remember or really reconcile the nutrients if I don't see them in writing. One other thing that has helped me is finding new recipes. I cook now (well I like to call it assemble not so much cooking but still). That is not something I did in the past. And just this morning, as I am trying to decide what to buy at the store, I am trying to figure out what I can make to take for lunches (to avoid eating out so much and to pre-portion it) and what I can make today that will be readily accessible for dinner during the week (so that I don't just pick at stuff and binge when it doesn't satisfy). Pinterest has been a huge help with recipes though I tend to stick to the same meals over and over. Wow, clearly I digressed again -

I really want to say Best of Luck to you! You are doing great! Keep up the great "emotional" work. That is the toughest part and will get you through in the end!

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@fatgirlsvelte I was asked to write a list of foods I "couldn't live without". All I could come up with was pizza and calzones (stromboli). My therapist also had me write a list of all the things I wanted to do after weight loss. The second list is much longer (and keeps growing) and makes me realize - HELL YES - I can live HAPPILY without pizza and calzones! There's healthier alternatives for most foods we "shouldn't eat"! You're going to be a great success!

Edited July 31, 2016 by KristenLe

[James Marusek 5,244]

Sometimes in life there are trade-offs. I am 3 years post-op RNY gastric bypass surgery. Over the years, I became overweight and then obese. I could live with that. But then my obesity began to take its toll on my health. I developed diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and severe acid reflux. I COULD NOT LIVE WITH THAT! So I decided to do a trade-off. I exchanged my love of food for restoring my health. As I look back on that now, it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I had RNY and it looks like you will be sleeved. There are two phase to weight loss surgery. These are the Weight Loss phase and the Maintenance phase. For me, I was in the Weight Loss phase for around 7 months and then I slid into the Maintenance phase. I believe that sleeve patient may take a couple years before their weight loss levels out and they enter the Maintenance phase. It is extremely important to follow the plan daily requirements for fluids, Protein, and vitamins; to limit the volume of your meals; and exercise during the Weight Loss phase. Because you want to maximize your weight loss.

But on the Maintenance phase, you have a little more latitude. So not everything on your bucket list is gone forever. I pick and chose. Some things I stay away from. Sugar is my kryptonite. But there are artificial sweeteners (Splenda) and natural no calorie sweeteners (Stevia) that have replaced them and these sweeteners are finding their way into many products nowadays.

I noticed the last item on your bucket list was Olive Garden's zuppa. I think what you are referring to is Zuppa Toscana. My wife loves the stuff. The main ingredient in the Soup is kale. Which is suppose to be good for you. As a result I planted some kale this year in the garden. It grew like weeds. I had so much of the stuff, I had to figure out what to do with it. In the end, I dried it and then vacuum sealed it in canning jars. My wife makes this Soup from scratch following the Olive Garden recipe. And its a good tasting and nutritious soup. So I would scratch it off your forever food bucket lists. Once you arrive at the Maintenance phase in a couple years, have it again, just do so in moderation. I do.

[Alex Brecher 10,484]

@@fatgirlsvelte,

Good for you for going through this exercise and making the mental connections. It is really great that you can see what role food is playing in your life, and that you recognize that it may have been holding power over you. I look forward to seeing how you find those “flashes of brilliance” in ways other than with those foods, and I look forward to your continued updates on your weight loss surgery journey!

[fatgirlsvelte 217]

I love this post so hard.
The "All I could come up with..." part. Good stuff.

@@fatgirlsvelte I was asked to write a list of foods I "couldn't live without". All I could come up with was pizza and calzones (stromboli). My therapist also had me write a list of all the things I wanted to do after weight loss. The second list is much longer (and keeps growing) and makes me realize - HELL YES - I can live HAPPILY without pizza and calzones! There's healthier alternatives for most foods we "shouldn't eat"! You're going to be a great success!

[fatgirlsvelte 217]

Day two of sitting on the reaction...

The exercise in and of itself was critical, in my opinion. Just the neurotransmitters connecting in my brain was worth it—the reality of the situation is that all of this poured out, but I won't be able to realistically eat all of the foods I wrote down if I intend to loose weight--period end of story.

It will be good to talk about this at the next class; so many were gleefully discussing their lists, and I hadn't completed mine yet—I'd like to throw this counter argument into the hat.

It's reality vs. perception--and that's the biggest challenge for most, no?