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Joke Of The Day - Friday October 14th

NJChick

By NJChick, in LAP-BAND Surgery Forums

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NJChick    3

NJChick
Posted

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread allover the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed,.......................

.......................

.........................

.......................

.........................

"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

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Rae    2

Rae
Posted

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just

inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts

and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came

riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he

heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to

investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One

for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on

his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a

cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't

believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery

dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see

it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man

hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for

you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man

whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can

see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,

yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy

gripped the wrought Iron fence tighter and tighter as they tried to

get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for

me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll

be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full minute

ahead of the boy on the bike.

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chichigirl    1

chichigirl
Posted

Thanks you gals! Those are really cute and both have me laughing out loud. I always appreciate anyone who can make me laugh. It's one of my favorite pastimes, laughing that is. Keep 'em coming!:)

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DeLarla    22

DeLarla
Posted

A duck waddles into the market and asks, "Hey, got any grapes?"

The clerk responds, "Sorry, no grapes today."

30 minutes later, same duck waddles into same market and asks same clerk, "Hey, got any grapes?"

Disturbed, the clerk shoots a stern glare and says, "NO, we don't have any grapes today."

20 minutes later, same duck waddles in same market and asks same clerk, "Hey, got any grapes?"

The Clerk loses his temper and screams at the duck, "No, I don't have any damn grapes, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your flippers to the floor!"

10 minutes later the same duck waddles into the same shop and asks the same clerk, "Hey, got any nails?"

The clerk says, "No, we don't carry nails."

The duck says, "Good, then do you have any grapes?"

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    • Alisa_S

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      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 0 replies
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    • Alisa_S

      Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. summerseeker

        summerseeker

        Life as a big person had limited my life to what I knew I could manage to do each day. That was eat. I hadn't anything else to look forward to. So my eating choices were the best I could dream up. I planned the cooking in managable lots in my head and filled my day with and around it.

        Now I have a whole new big, bigger, biggest, best days ever. I am out there with those skinny people doing stuff i could never have dreamt of. Food is now an after thought. It doesn't consume my day. I still enjoy the good home cooked food but I eat smaller portions. I leave food on my plate when I am full. I can no longer hear my mother's voice saying eat it all up, ther are starving children in Africa who would want that!

        I still cook for family feasts, I love cooking. I still do holidays but I have changed from the All inclusive drinking and eating everything everyday kind to Self catering accommodation. This gives me the choice of cooking or eating out as I choose. I rarely drink anymore as I usually travel alone now and I feel I need to keep aware of my surroundings.

        I don't know at what point my life expanded, was it when I lost 100 pounds? Was it when I left my walking stick at home ? Was it when I said yes to an outing instead of finding an excuse to stay home ? i look back at my last five years and wonder how loosing weight has made such a difference. Be ready to amaze yourself.

        BTW, the liquid diet sucks, one more day and you are over the worst. You can do it.

    • CaseyP1011

      CaseyP1011

      Officially here for a long time, not just a good time💪
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    • KimBaxleyWilson

      KimBaxleyWilson

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      bellaamey

      https://alluniqueguide.com/java-burn-coffee-reviews/
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