I'm sitting here wondering if I should even be writing this. I'm reading through all these posts here in the 200+ forum and I'm so proud of all of you, but it's making me hate myself even more. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm sitting here crying my eyes out. I feel so much like I just want to crawl into a large hole and never surface again! I have NOT yet had the lap band surgery, but am working on getting it approved by my insurance. However, while trying to wait it out, I'm researching and reading through all the forums, and I just had a mental breakdown. I am so ashamed of myself. I weight 400 lbs. I'm 5'2". I just turned 50. I'm completely sedentery. I recently lost my job due to a company down-size. I have no friends I guess due to my size and the fact that I rarely leave my house. I'm so upset and depressed and ashamed of myself. I cannot believe I let myself get this heavy. I cannot stand or walk more than 30 feet without breathing like a freight train and feeling like I will pass out from the pain in my back and hips and legs. In order for me to have this surgery, I need to lose about 40 lbs first, and start exercising. My response to this was "EXCUSE ME?? if I cannot move, I cannot lose weight. How in the world am I supposed to do this? If I could do this on my own, I wouldn't need surgery!!" Well, needless to say, not much sympathy from the insurance company or the doctor for that matter!! Know what their advice was? "Just start moving." WELL...could someone explain to me how to do that? At 400 lbs, when I cannot walk more than 20-30 feet, just how am I suppose to do this? AND yes, I am feeling sorry for myself I guess you could say, but I have so many mixed emotions at this point. It's not that I don't want to do this, it's just that it is impossible. Well, maybe not impossible. Just SEEMS impossible. Then I come here and read all of your posts about how you started to walk just a little here and a little there....and now some of you are walking miles. BUT...I must be missing a point somewhere because I don't understand how you motivated yourself to just start. That's where I'm having the biggest problem. I know I need to do it, and I want to do it, I just can't. The being out of breath and the pain is enough to just make me not even want to try. And then I think about it...and if I start with just 20 steps at a time, then maybe I could start, but.... what good does just 20 steps do? I feel like it's just useless. I can't get past this point of feeling like I'm nothing, and I'm useless and stupid and deserve to just be this heavy and die. And no, I don't want to die and no, I'm not suicidal or anything like this. I'm think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and can't see past this point. Can someone PLEASE help me get a grip? Please tell me how you first felt. Tell me what you did from day one and how you got up the courage and motivation to get yourself started. Tell me how to do this, please! My life is depending on it....and even though I know this fact, I still can't seem to motivate myself. I'm sorry if this is too boring or upsetting or self-less for you all, but I just needed to get this off my chest because I can't stop crying right now. Thanks for any help, suggestions, etc., you can offer me at this low point.

Thank you to everyone that has responded. This is such a wonderful site and I appreciate everyone's input. I think some of my problem is just head-games. But I'm not sure why.

Edited July 27, 200917 yr by Paige59

Paige,

How are you feeling now? Better I hope! :crying:

TPG

I know you cut out a lot of your post, Paige...did you get an answer? It's not an uncommon question, HOW can the band help. I won't address it if you feel you've figured it out.

Paige-

Glad to see you came back. Not only does this show courage but a desire to commit to your health.

It is impossible to gain a lot weight in one day just as it is impossible to lose a lot of weight in one day. It’s what we do over a long period of time. If you can walk 20 steps, do it! After you’re done take a moment to congratulate yourself and feel the pride that you deserve to feel. The next time you walk if you can do 21, do it-then congratulate yourself. Patting yourself on your back for little things is very important as it grows inside you over time and before you know it is impossible for you to feel horrible about yourself as you described in your first post. These little steps help you move forward and eventually you will feel love for yourself.

If your insurance company argues with you on the surgery ask what it will take to get it. If they say you need to lose 10% of your body weight then ask if there are exceptions, there always are. Stand up for yourself as you are your best advocate. REMEMBER YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND LIVE A FULL LIFE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

Good luck to you and please keep us posted.

Hi Paige,

Boy was that me ... you were writing it but it was what I was thinking a little over a year ago! It's been a little over 2 weeks since your post...and I haven't seen that you have posted back. We want to hear from you!!!

You ask how to start...well you had already started when you posted...In your post you said, "I know I need to do it, and I want to do it" your words. You used two very important words - NEED and WANT. You didn't say WISH which to me means by some magic wand or star it will happen. You said NEED and WANT which means you are READY to do something about it. I too was told that I had to lose weight before he would do the surgery - 350 lbs was the goal weight I needed to be at. I too was ashamed of my weight...before my first visit to the doctor I was at 386-I lost my first 10 lbs because I was ashamed to go to see him weighing that much...but I picked up the phone and made the appointment (which you have already done - so you have taken the 2nd step in your journey) At first when he told me I had to be at 350 I too thought this was crazy ... but I was determine and felt it was my only chance at getting my life back. I had lost so much of my mobility, health and life and was headed for a wheel chair. I made the commitment and started the process of the pre-op testing that was required - my next visit to the doctor was the follow up and he gave me the news that I was a good candidate for the surgery but I had to to be at that 350 lbs. It took me 3 months but I was finally down to 5 pounds to go when I called the doctor to schedule the surgery....I had the last week on the liquid Protein diet - the morning of surgery my scale had me weighing 346 ... but you know how scales are you can rock on them and it can change a pound and I also was scared that the hospital scale would weigh heavy...but I kept saying to myself "have courage" I was prepared to strip down to my birthday suit if need be to make that scale say "ready, set, go" Well it did and on December 11, 2009 I was banded. I've also learned that I have to do this, the band is a TOOL to help me but it's me in the drivers seat, it's me that even when I don't feel like it- I tell myself I have to and do it. YOU ARE CAPABLE of doing the same. Think positive --- "I CAN" One step at a time....You have already made two very big steps that I can see from you post and probably more in the past two weeks. See you are already like that "Little Red Engine" chugging up that hill ..I think I can , I think I can, each chug closer to I KNOW I CAN!

There have been lots of good suggestions about how to start the process of exercise - chair exercises, bike, pool, walk - Which is your choice? Quick don't think to long pick one?...set your realistic (for instant I can walk into each room of my house without sitting down) that was mine and I met my goal and said I can go just a little farther and pushed myself a little more. When I finally did sit down I reflected as I was getting my breathe back - "Wow I met my goal and went farther, later today I will try to do it again and take that one step farther" Now I have walked over 4 1/2 miles walking Ozark Mountain Roads...and it all started with a walk around my house...Both walks were important victories on my journey...It's now like a game I play - 1 step more! Is it hard at times?...YES...Do I NEED to do it? YES Do I WANT to do it? Well sometimes I have to mentally kick myself in the b_ _ but ... YES I WANT ...so I do it. Have I got angry at times because I have to do it? YES I won't lie to you sometimes it takes hard work ... but it IS worth it. My energy level, my mobility, and my attitude is getting better every day. My life has changed ...I still have a long way to go ... it will happen ... sometimes I fall ...I have to pick myself up, dust myself off ...look at where I came from and then turn around and take that next step towards where I want to go.

Thank you Paige, believe it or not you have helped me tonight...reflecting on my journey has made me reaffirm that I CAN do it!

We want to hear from you!

Deb

Highest Weight 386 lbs

1st Dr. Visit 376 lbs

Surgery Day Weight 346 lbs

Todays Weight 289

Everyone has already said really great things. I don't want to repeat them again, but I did just want to chime in with my added support of you! Although we all have unique stories and circumstances, I think most of us on here have gone through that time where we say "I just can't do it. I might as well just give up now. I'll just be fat and sad and that will be that". Most of us can relate!

Its great when you do have a signifigant accomplishment later on down the road (whether its 10, 20, or 100 pounds) and can look back on that moment of despair and say, "wow, look at where I am now!". Its great to truly feel proud of a genuine accomplishment.

Good luck and please post again so we know where you are at!

Oh, you guys are so awesome! Every one of you! Thank you so much for the responses and your support and encouragement. I really do appreciate it.

You guys made me cry!! Even though I knew that there are so many of you out there that felt at one time like I do, at the time I wrote this initial post, I was feeling like I was the only one, you know?

I'm feeling a little better now. Still ashamed and embarrassed that I let myself get this way, but.... it happened. So now I just need to deal with it and try to reverse it.

Well, I have some bad news....the surgeon I want to use no longer accepts insurance (not just my insurance, but ANY insurance), and I have gone 'round and 'round with my insurance company trying to get them to approve him as an "out-of-network" provider, but due to a provision that my husband's employer has on the insurance policy, they have denied my request. I have the option of appealing it with the employer, but am wondering if it is even worth it at this point. If I do get him approved as an out-of-network provider, they will only pay like 60% of the "reasonable and customary" which means I will still wind up with a large out-of-pocket expense, and since I was recently laid off permanently from my job (in June), the out-of-pocket expense is out of the question for me. So.... have had to search for another surgeon who is par with my insurance. I have found two, and one of them is local, but I'm having a huge problem in that I'm not sure that I am comfortable with either one of them. I LOVE the surgeon I had already planned to use, and was very very comfortable with him and had no qualms about the surgery at all--I trust him that much!! But now that I cannot use him, and have had to search for another, I am just very upset. I am doing research on both of these surgeons, but so far that hasn't taken away my worrry and fear. So..... I guess we'll have to see what happens with that.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know I didn't crawl away and hide forever. I'm here and I'm trying to work this out. And I truly appreciate every one of you for taking the time to respond. I will keep you up-to-date on what is happening.

Thanks!

Dear, you have been through it!!! Good luck with choosing a surgeon. I am sorry you can't have who you really want, but maybe the local guy will grow on you. Support systems and accessability count for a lot, too.

Best wishes,

Mimi

Restless,

Can you share your diet the MD gave you?

Paige, let me just add that there really, truly is nothing to be ashamed of. You are by far not the only person in your situation. Many here and many, many more outside this little forum. If there is any shame in it, it should fall to those who refuse to acknowledge their situation and the need to take action....and you certainly don't fall in that category. There is a thread on here "so I've got a little work to do". Jason was told he had to lose quite a bit to be a surgery candidate. Rather than fall victim to discouragement, he went to work. And he's made it! And, you know what? You will too!!

If you have a TV, look for a program called "Sit and be Fit". It is exercises for seniors and comes on daily.

I'm waiting for one more meeting with the doc and insurance approval and then I'm moving forward.

I'm 378 - I joined a YMCA with 2 pools and lots of Water walking classes. I go in the morning - I walkin with my swimsuit on, flip flops and my robe - I don't care what others think I'm there to get my health back. During water walking you just walk up and down the pool and since you are in water it doesn't ahve the impact of walking on hard surfaces.

Before I did the pool I started out stretching in the morning before I got out of bed and again before I went to bed. It was little things that I really helped me get stronger nothing too strenuous.

Good luck and hang in there.

I lost almost 50lbs prior to my surgery. So it can be done. Mind you I was not required to do so prior to the surgery, but I was at the point for real change. Surgery was just another tool that was going to get me to my end game, not my entire plan. You need to decide if you are truly committed to making the change needed. Because if you think getting band is a cure-all you are going to be in for a BIG surprise! I was 465lb at my heaviest, I was able to move and did start walking about 1/2 a mile daily, that was built up to around 3 miles by the time surgery hit. It's a marathon and not a race any extra you can do will help. As big as you are (sorry if I offend....just stating) cutting of calories and extra exercise is going to make a huge impact on your weight lose. Yes it is hard, yes you might feel hungry, yes it takes dedication...but guess what all those things are applied after banding. If you think once you are banded you are going to miraculously be able to exercise? You're wrong it takes time to build up stamina....if you think you won't be hungry after having the surgery.....wrong.....it can take 6+ months until the doctor and you find your sweet spot....and most of all it takes DEDICATION..Because it's a daily battle on making healthy choices!

So while I hope you find the courage to do what needs to be done to save your life. I also hope you realize with or without this surgery you need to lose weight, and while 40 lbs seems like a lot it is only 10% of your body weight. Think of how much you need to lose and if you can't even imagine getting 40 off without the band how would you plan taking 250lb off????

Hi There....

First, consider yourself hugged. Don't be so down on yourself, there are too many people out there who want to make you feel bad. You are special and important!

I started trying to lose weight again in January of this year. I have lost and gained weight my entire life, but have never been normal size. I was a heavy child, fat teenager, and a huge adult.

In January of this year, I had ballooned to 419 pounds. I am a teacher of first graders, and it was really hard to keep up with them and have the energy to do anything. I decided to try and regulate my food myself and use a lot of things I had learned at Weight Watchers in previous attempts. I started writing down everything I ate, and began to see where my problem areas were. I began losing weight with no exercise, and had gotten down to about 385 before I attended the seminar.

I knew that I was so much larger than all the other people there, and I felt a little self conscious. I didn't think they would even give me a lap band, but I started the process. I weighed 376 at the time of my pre-surgery appointment, and I am now two months post-op and weight 328.

You can do this, girl! If you can't exercise right now, just work on portion control and getting your weight down. You are worth it, and you can do it! Take it one day at a time, and reach out to others here if you need a little support. We are with you!

:Yawn: