So I have had the same boyfriend for about three years, and our relationship is good for the most part but I feel as if he is trying to hold me back for some reason. He would be an idiot not to realize how unhappy I am with myself since I have put on so much weight. He dosen't want me to get banded even though I have explained to him numerous times that it is deffinantly what I want. He will not change my mind no matter what, but I'm not quite sure what his motives are [if he has any]. I don't understand why he wouldn't want me to be happy! Has anyone ever had any issues similar to mine? Or do you have any theories on why he may be reacting this way? please let me know if y'all come up with anything.

Stephonee,

Have you asked him why he doesn't want you to have the surgery? I don't know the entire story but would I be wrong in assuming that he might not know that much about the procedure and might be afraid of the 'dangers' of having a surgery? If he is armed with the same amount of knowledge as you are I would simply ask what his reason are and then take it from there. He might be scared or he might just be insecure and the thought of losing you.

There could be any number of reasons he's against the surgery. A few:

1. He's concerned for your health and safety because he's afraid of you having surgery.

2. He's worried that you'll get thin and leave him. Sad as it is to say, there are some people, both men and women, who feel in control of a relationship, and want to keep it that way. when their partner places a lower value on themselves.

3. He likes your life together now, and he doesn't want to change things. For instance, if a lot of your activities center around food (dinners out, cooking together, eating junk food, etc), he knows that will have to change. (Although you will only have to make adjustments. You'll still be able to eat out and, of course, cook in, but you'll be making healthy food choices for the most part). If you guys are kind of sedentary, once you lose weight, you may want to try out new activities that you're not comfortable doing now. Exercise, hopefully, will become an important part of your life, if it isn't already.

4. Some people are just plain resistant to change, even if it's for the better.

Edited March 6, 200917 yr by kiz

I think you should ask him these questions. We don't know you or him and can't really tell you why he feels the way he does. He could be jealous; he could be afraid you'll die during surgery, he could see the band as a weakness. Until you talk TO HIM and get answers, you won't know what to do.

DeeDee & Kiz you have some excellent explanations for the way he is reacting and I appreciate your responses! y'all have given me a lot to think about! And in response to restless monkey, I have talked to him about the situation and the only answers I can get from him is that he likes me the way I am now (but I feel that this is a cover for what he really feels, especially since he never wants to talk about it.). How can he be happy with me or the way things are if I am not even happy with myself? I do appreciate everyones efforts to help me out, I will try to talk to him again...see what I can get this time ( maybe take a different approach).

Steph...I think I sounded more harsh than I intended, since I just reread that today. I hope I didn't sound snippy but if i did, I apologize. That being said...maybe he likes you fat. Some men (it's sad but true) prefer fat women because of self esteem issues. I hope that isn't the case in your situation. (and some men just like chubby chicks like some men prefer long legs...)

My DH loves me as I am but would also love to have someone to go places and do things with and I've been so heavy that's not possible, in many instances.

Either way, you're young and have your whole life ahead. Yeah, that's a cliche, but it's true. Don't let him hold you back if you decide this is right for you. Don't wait until you're my age (they didn't have the band when I was your age or I'd have JUMPED on that thing!). If you two are meant to be, he'll come around. If not, well, you know ...more fish in the sea. Good luck!

thanks a lot monkeyy lol

I completely understand your not wanting to go out b/c of the weight..this has also happend with me (feeling like i have lost who I used to be...it's really sad)! I have my own theories on what's going on with my BF, and my mother and many of my other really good friends who know the relationship have confirmed what I have been thinking. I just posted the blog to get an outsiders view, and y'all have listed the same exact reasons that myself and my friends have been thinking. Truth is I don't always feel that our relationship is "right," and I feel so bad about this...I'm sure he feels it to. It's going to be a difficult road, but I know what I want and I deff. wont let him talk me out of it. I'm just going to see where time takes us. thanks again for all of the advice =]

I can only talk from my experience but my boyfriend is scarred becouse he thinks if i get the lapband and loose all my weight i might leave him or men might find me more attractive and ask me out or something, i think this is just his insecuritie and me being a big fatty he has me all to himself i know he doesnt find me attractive coz he wouldnt buy the magazines with all the girls in bikinis and there tiny little butts looking out at you (my butt is about 5 of theres) but what eva i am doin this to feel better in myself and health reasons so when the time comes and i have lost my woobles we will see how it is then.. coz if i am not happy with my self i cant be happy with anything else and if he cant be happy with the new me well i can be happy alone lol... i dont think it wil come to that but he doesnt really help much now( bringing home mcdonalds thickshake etc when i have said i dont want any.. i mean what is that he knows i am over weight but he will still encourage me to eat crappy fatty food)hmmm anyway honey do what you have to do and if he doesnt like the new slim healthy happy you is it really worth it... As they say there is plenty more fish in the see.... You go girl Atomicblonde x x x