Need advice on dialogue with my brother

[general_antiope 189]

Hi guys,

I am very upset and concerned about my brother. My whole family is, frankly.

My entire life, I was the fat one, and Ray was the skinny one. He was beyond lean, he was just thin. It was hard to believe a tanned italian looking skinny boy and a round, pale blonde girl had the same parents, but we did.

For the past 10 years he's been gaining weight. He's now over 300 lbs and his face and body are so distorted that I started to cry when I saw him last summer take his shirt off at the beach.

He is proud of me for getting the band, he tells me I'm beautiful and encourages me. The few times I've hinted around gently about him getting the band, he feels like he's not that bad. He's over 100lbs overweight and in serious denial. He's been dieting for four years now and nothing has worked. He's under tremendous pressure as the sole provider for his wife and three kids, is a calm and patient man with wisdom and so much love for his family. He's the best father I've ever seen up close. His kids love him. And he's eating himself to death. He's always been handsome and the lead singer of his band, etc etc. My friends loved him

I know I can't push the issue. I've been thinking of writing him a letter and just leaving it at that, not harping on him. Is that being too pushy, though? I don't want to shove him into a band and then he fails. Maybe the band isn't even for him. He's just not dealing with it.

me and Ray last weekend at our sister's college graduation

[annielkd 0]

The only thing you can do is share your concern. Just becasuse you were ready for this... does not mean he is. If you talk to him about it, he's going to think that you are only doing this because you are so in to the lapband. You can ask him what his doctor thinks about his weight. What did he say when you were the heavy one... and he was thin? Did he ever talk to you about your weight. If the answer is no... then all you can do it tell him you are concerned. I would not write a letter, I would keep it casual.

[general_antiope 189]

My brother was supportive when I was heavy. Once or twice he would say he had a dream of me uber thin, singing "The Greatest Love of All" in a white evening gown - it still makes me misty to think about it. It was so symbolic, and now I'm almost there. I love singing btw

He is not an expressive person - I mean he shows love and affection but not anger, frustration, annoyance, sadness, disappointment. He's the rock.

My family's a bunch of writers, so the letter thing might still be a good idea...just to have something for him to look back to when he's ready.

Also...he will not get into emotional discussions with me...he clams up. He is in therapy (which amazes me) but he is just not one of those "I feel this way" people. He believes strength is in calm tolerance...but he's just blind to his weight issue.

[annielkd 0]

But, my real question is... did he say you needed to lose weight... mentioning you singing in a beautiful dress does not mean "I'm worried about you sister, your weight is too high, it's going to end up killing you." I'll bet anything that you've already told him that he looked better before, and I'll bet you've mentioned losing weight too. He needs to find himself. If you have already told him of your concern... I wouldn't do it again. People who were previously fat, harp on people who gain weight.

[general_antiope 189]

No, he never told me he was worried. My mom did. She and I had long discussions about it. That's just not his way.

I'm pretty sensitive to not harping on people. He will volunteer info like how he's been going to the gym, trying to eat right. I'll praise him and encourage him. I asked him once about if he thought the band would be good for him - a few years ago - and he immediately said no, he could do it.

I've never told him seriously how concerned I am. I've always been the clown, the Jerry, and he was Dean. He's the straight man. I like making him laugh. Don't think he's used to me being serious.

I hear what you're saying and I appreciate the feedback. I'll wait and sit on this for a couple of weeks and see if I can let it go. I'm really fighting this urge to write the letter. It would make ME feel better, but might make him feel worse. So why do I still want to write it?? Auughh.

[coolcrystal 1]

I had to come to my decision on my own as I'm sure most people have. Just set an example of what the band has done for you and let him come to that decision on his own. I would have been furious if somebody wrote me a letter like that. Fat people know they are fat. They don't need a letter trying to push a surgery on them. My mother in law is overweight and not once have I even mentioned the surgery to her unless she has asked me questions about it.. and yesterday she left me a loving voicemail saying how proud she is of me and how I've inspired her... she is looking into the band. She came to that decision on her own.

[general_antiope 189]

What I was planning to write had nothing to do with the band, but expressing my love for him and my concern at the state of his health.

food is an addiction, wouldn't you tell a destructive alcoholic that things were getting out of control?

[annielkd 0]

You want to help him, because you know the band might work. I can understand your concern. When he talks about the diet, or working out... just say... "do you truely want to change your life? or do you do this because you think other people think you should?" that will open the door for the discussion. Many people diet or work out because they think other people expect them to... but, they personally don't want to. He may be doing this (half heartedly) because he wants to make other's THINK he's trying... without really investing in it. Open the conversation... then dive in.

[mss 1]

I'm pretty sensitive to not harping on people. He will volunteer info like how he's been going to the gym, trying to eat right.

It is common to want to help someone out when we feel that maybe they really can't see just how much they need our advice ..get a haircut, dump the boyfriend, lose weight etc however if a person is not ready to make changes themselves they are unlikely to actually hear what you are saying and may resent you. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your brother, next time he mentions his going to the gym etc maybe you can gently let him know that you are concerned about his weight and that if he ever wants to talk you are there for him. I have to tell you though, for years I had people telling me how I would look so much better if I lost weight and how they didn't want to hurt me but did I know how fat I was and sliding diets, exercise programs etc under my nose.... did I appreciate any of it...nope, it made me feel humiliated and hurt....it took a long time for me to be ready to make the changes in my life.

Your brother is lucky to have such a caring sister.

[Manatee 3]

The thing about guys is that it's very difficult for us to admit we need help. We're taught from an early age to be strong, solid, & stoic, and it seems your brother learned those lessons well.

To admit that one needs surgical intervention to lose weight is a huge sign of weakness. One's house is not in order, and furthermore, the intervention means you're admitting you will NEVER be able to control it on your own. The loss of face is incredible, especially if other men find out. Most guys would rather drop dead 10 years early than admit they're powerless over some aspect of their lives.

Consider for a second if the situation were reversed. Would you appreciate someone who use to be fat striding up and effectively saying "get thee to a hospital, fatass?" Probably you'd take the opposite path just to spite them. All you can do now is be a good example, and be willing to share information if he asks. If you bring it up too frequently, you will become a nag and harpy.

Is there any chance you can enlist his wife in the recruiting effort? She can more easily bring in the "we want to spend more time on this world with you" statements than you.

Regarding the letter itself -- go ahead and write it. Then sit on it for a week, rewrite it again. Repeat. Just don't mail it. You won't be able to have the discussion you need with your brother via the letter, but writing it will make you feel better and help you organize your thoughts for when you do have the verbal discussions.

I don't know if any of this helps, but there's my thoughts. If you get into the discussion, tell him I said as a guy "This is the best thing I've done for myself in a looooong time."

Edited May 21, 2008 by Manatee

[Jodi_620 37]

I can understand your concern for his health especially when you have found your solution and have seen such great sucess. But I agree with others here and think that everyone needs to make this decision for themselves. Continue with your support with him trying to eat right and exercise and lets all hope that he will be sucessful no matter which route he takes.

[general_antiope 189]

oh that is good! I like that a lot. I definitely get the feeling he doesn't think it's as big a problem as everyone else does. That's a great way to ease into it.

Of course I think the band would work - it'd work for anyone. But he's too far in denial right now for the band - or anything - to help him.

I was the same way. Nobody would have the "come to Jesus" with me. The "I think you are pretty close to death". My comorbidities were pretty much my bum spine (which was genetic anyway) and reflux. Mild stuff. Not "scary" stuff. I hated pictures because I saw a beautiful girl in the mirror but never saw it on the camera - the cameras always lied. It was easy to believe I was prettier than everyone else thought. Reverse self-loathing??

The "come to Jesus" with me was when my ex was ready to FINALLY have kids - and blammo. My period stopped because I was 300 lbs. I went to doctor after doctor, was weight related. I wanted kids so damn bad you just don't know. I dreamed about my son Sean and my son Mason and my daughter Lily Daphne (or Grace...I was torn) who never were even conceived. Finally it was up to me to lose weight so we could have them. And I couldn't do it.

I finally had to accept that I couldn't lose the weight on my own, for something I wanted more than anything.

Dammit. I will not write the letter.

This is TORTURE sitting by and waiting for him to come to that rock bottom place before he makes any decisions.

/sigh

I'm glad I asked.

[general_antiope 189]

Wow...just wow. You guys have given me a lot of really great things to think about. It's calming that wild desire to go insult and offend him heh.

Seriously guys, thank you. Manatee - a man's perspective was sorely needed. You got my brother down to a T. He's "Mr. Responsible" and everything's fine, and he can handle it all, and nothing's wrong. And he really does.

you guys are awesome :eek:

[Twilight 2]

Kate,

My husband is very overweight. I begged. I pleaded. I talked til I was blue in the face. I gave him every reason. I want him to be able to play ball with the kids. I want him to be around for their graduations. I don't want to worry everyday that I'll get "the call." I couldn't afford to live without him. His kids needed him. I even found out how we could afford it and penciled it out for him. Trust me. I tried it all.

Nothing worked. I've not given up. I've put it on hold and if he comes to the choice on his own then I will support him completely. Men can't be given all those reasons. They need to come to it on their own. It was that way with my father, is with my brother, my two sons, and it is DEFINITELY that way with my husband. It's only a good idea if they come up with it. He has all the pro's in front of him. He is living my success. I mention it to him a couple times a month to see if he's thinking about it and then I drop it. It's got to be his decision.

As for "the band will work for everyone." Maybe I'm reading something into your post that I shouldn't, but the band will NOT work for everybody. If your not ready for it, you will eat around it. You have to make a commitment to your band. You have to do 80% of the work. If you're still going to eat the junk, drink the soda, not exercise, the band will not make you thin. That's a huge commitment you're going to have to make. He shouldn't take it lightly. As I said, maybe I read what you said incorrectly. If so I'm sorry.

I agree with an above poster that said, "write the letter, just don't mail it." Often we need to express the emotions. We just need to get it out. That doesn't mean he needs to read it. And if you want to write it all down as many letters to him, he may find it wonderful if/after he comes to the decision to lose the weight....whatever method he chooses.

My advice to you would be to encourage. Talk about the great new foods you are trying now. New recipes that he might like. Talk about the benefits your finding in drinking all your Water. Tell him about your gym successes. If he's close enough, ask him to walk or work out with you. Set up an exercise challenge with him. If he is actually trying to change his habits, set up a reward system with him where he does something special for you when you achieve a goal and you do something for him when he achieves his. Share the benefits you're seeing in losing weight. ... like sleeping better, feet not hurting, less back aches, better blood work. Odds are that your successes will strike a chord with him even if they are things he hasn't shared with you. If he truly is the strong stoic type he's keeping a lot of worry inside and not sharing it with anyone. He will take your words in and start putting it all together. He'll get there. Maybe not to the banding decision but hopefully it will open up the communication avenue and he will get involved and excited...he may even open up to you. Just make it about you for now and eventually he will make it about him.

Those would be my 12 cents....inflation you know....