I was going to PM Donali with this question because of her experience with therapy in this area but I thought others might benefit from the information, too.

Most of you know I've been through a little trama as of late, and I'm having a really hard time with all the feelings that are cropping up inside of me.

Before the band, I would have eaten until I was numb. As soon as I started feeling anything again, I would have eaten more and more and more.

Now, with the band, I can't numb myself. I have to "deal" with my feelings...but what the hell does that mean? How do you deal with feelings?

I never knew how much anxiety I carry around in myself until now- when I have a great level of restriction and can't eat enough of ANYTHING to make it go away.

Donali, others...what are your thoughts?

Megan

Sweet Girl -

I think "dealing with your feelings" is mostly done with acknowledging that they even exist. Most of us don't even realize that we're eating because we feel a certain way - the feelings are so buried. All we know is that we want/NEED to eat.

In your case, you certainly know WHY you are being drawn to food. But instead of going for that "numb", explore your feelings. Write down everything you are thinking, every way that you hurt, every angry thought and revengeful hope you have. Explore the hurt, and take it to its resolution in your mind - i.e., you know that in a certain amount of time this will just be a memory and won't have the power over you then that it does now. I don't know of a way to accelerate the healing, but knowing that eventually the hurt will dim and disappear, and reminding yourself of that and what it will feel like helps put things into perspective.

THEN... You have to look a little deeper. Almost always the true pain has attached to it an unacknowledged fear, and I think THAT is truly the big enemy. Maybe deep down you fear that you will never find someone else, or that this will happen again, or something along those lines. Once you can find the underlying fear(s), you can play those out to resolution, and the fear dims.

As an example, let's say I'm feeling stressed at work because of all of these layoffs. I was very attached to my boss, his boss, and my Mom, and they all got laid off in 3 consecutive days. YES I feel a loss, and I feel hurt and resentful. I'm eating. But underlying all those valid and TRUE feelings lies my fear, which intensifies all of this, that is not as easily acknowledged... I'm afraid I will get laid off, too. I'm afraid if I DO get laid off, I won't be able to make my car/mortgage payments, that I will somehow negatively impact my BF's finances, that I will have to ask for help.

So, I explore these fears, and keep asking, "Okay, WHAT IF you DO get laid off? What will happen?" And then I try to walk through EVERYTHING. Not just all the bad things that will happen, but ALL the way through. After waddling in all the immediate negative ramifications, eventually I have to admit, "And then I suppose I will eventually find another job, and if that doesn't pay enough to pay for everything then I could get a second job. And if that doesn't pay for everything, then I can sell the new car. Maybe refinance the house. Withdraw from my 401K and take the penalties." But because I have FELT my feelings, acknowledged and worked through them, I feel a little more powerful, and my desire/NEED to eat is lessened. It is scary and painful, but going through the process does leave you feeling more powerful and in control.

Let me know if this helps in any way, and remember, if you STILL end up eating to numb yourself, please be kind and gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can, and you are using techniques that have worked for you in the past. Give yourself time to learn new techniques to deal with this crap. One day maybe it will be 50%/50%. The more you practice, the less you'll need food to help. Promise.

((((HUGS))))

Well, this isn't necessarily the "best" solution. But I have to channel my feelings to something other than food. The last time this happened to me (pre-band) I convinced myself that I wasn't going to stuff myself with food and I chose to walk. And I walked, and I walked, and I walked. The entire time obsessing about what had happened and replaying everything over and over again. It seems like a million years ago, but I still remember that awful feeling and I just absolutely HAD to do something. I ended up losing 30 lbs. (Of course I gained it back eventually and then some...but again that was PRE-BAND.) Maybe out of compulsion, I have to replace a habit with another habit. I just try to choose a healthier one. I also have been known to get addicted to those silly, mindless computer games...and of course, message boards.

I wish I had some better advice for you. My heart goes out to you because I can really relate to what you are going through. Surround yourself with the supportive people in your life that you love. If you are a pet-person, give your fur baby lots of hugs.

Happier days are just around the corner...

I've noticed in myself, that if things don't go smoothly and something upsets my groove, I get very upset. I've told myself for years that when you fix something, something eles breaks, it's just part of life. But I'm having a hard time with anxiety and overload.

I don't have advice, but can understand your feelings...

Again, I left out one of the most important parts, assuming of course that everyone has already read the "Tools for Dealing with Emotional Hunger" and are trying to employ those strategies - http://lapbandtalk.com/showthread.php?t=434

Of course Nicole has the most important next step - after acknowledging your emotions, you will undoubtedly still need to DO something - that's when you have to whip out your emotion/activity chart, and pick something OTHER than eating to try and help you through.

Donali- exactly what I was looking for. I had started writing on Sunday when I really felt crazy about everything but had no answers. I wrote ten pages and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders...for about ten minutes. But it was a good ten minutes. I've been writing every time I get distracted and find myself staring out into space - which is about every fifteen minutes. I am trying not to run away from the pain but embrace it and live in it and then let it go. But I didn't really know that was what I was doing until I read your response to my question. Once again, you are my guiding light.

It hurts, and I guess it's supposed to. It feels like the pain is centered in my body- in my chest. I wonder why that is.

Daisydoodle- Dr. Phil always says you have to replace a one habit with another. I really like your idea of walking walking walking. I am going to go out at lunch today and do just that. I do feel like I have to DO something. Anxiety builds and builds and since I work at home, on my computer, it's a terrible place to be when this is where I would talk to him all day every day for the last three weeks. Three weeks isn't a very long time, but you sure get used to something quickly.

Vera-It sure feels like if you fix something, something else breaks. Kind of like the saying "you can't clean something without getting something else dirty". Thanks for your thoughts.

Megan

Exercise releases endorphins-endorphins help you feel better. If you re-channel your efforts into something like exercise you will feel better and then if you do splurge on some food goodie--you will have at least burned off some of the calories of the goodie so it really is not so bad. I don't know your living situation, but if your close to town you may be able to walk into town and then get an ice cream cone or some other treat. Of course this is only acceptable if you do not live around the corner from the treat store.... The best part is you will have to walk back so that helps you again.

As DaisyD mentioned walking also helps you sort out your feelings and you can get some good talking to yourself time in as well. Also if no one is around some good old cussing out the looser may help some as well.

By the way I have always enjoyed your posts and want to reassure you that I can see some of your wonderful qualities shining thru in the way you post about yourself and your experiences.