Confessional

[White06 0]

I havent posted in a very long time. Mostly because I finally realized that I have failed and need to go public in order to find my way back.

I thought when I had the Lapband that I would be happy and all my problems would magically go away. But after gaining a little weight and not losing any for over a year, I finally admitted to myself that there might be a problem.

I had an appt. to see my doc in Sept, Oct, Dec, Jan. and then finally in December I decided to go and face the music. I had gained 5 lbs since he last saw me. I was expecting him to let me have it...etc....

He was very sweet but very matter of fact...He suggested I try some therepy, that I could possibly have an eating disorder. I agreed to go to therepy believing full well that it wasnt gonna work. I would just be spending more money for the same result...which was "no results"

After 2 hour long sessions I started to feel like this might help me in time but it wasnt gonna be easy. I discovered that I truly do have some traits as a bulimic. I do obsess over my weight and it does consume my life completely and I do overeat a lot and throw up a lot. Not intentional throwing up, but with the band, if you keep feeding it you will PB or vomit.

Anyway its gonna take some time but hopefully I am on the right path. I didnt realize how much crap I had been hanging on to from childhood to the present. Also, I didnt realize that I felt so bad about my self. So, one day one session at a time I hope that I can get a hold of myself and finally get some of this weight off.

I am starting to have medical issues again, so I have to make this work.

Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers and if anyone has any advise on starting over...etc...I really need it.

Thanks for listening. Have a blessed day!!

[TerriDoodle 6]

(((((White))))) The feelings that come up for me when reading your post is that I am so proud of you for biting the bullet and seeing a counselor. I know it can be a very unpleasant way to spend those hard-earned dollars but if you can see a little progress already that's a very good sign. I know that 10 years later I still hear the voice of my counselor in my head (no, not those kind of voices! tee hee), and am so grateful that I was 'brave' enough to admit I needed help. It helped me not only then, but continues to help throughout my life.

You've also done another huge thing by coming here for support! You really should try to make a habit of checking in. Great group of people here. We are blessed!

Best of luck to you and I look forward to following your progress!!

[hsbeach 0]

Well, I had my lapband surgery in January and since my first consult and today, I have lost about 60 pounds. I probably wasn't the best person to my family as I was trying to get through my addiction to food. I had a short fuse and probably blew my top more than I should have. Until the first week of February, I was feeling great about myself and feeling great emotionally. Life was, for the first time in many years, wonderful.

Then I had the rug pulled out from under me. My Wife told me that she was no longer in love with me and that she wanted to separate. I was and still am devastated. We are in counseling, but I'm not optimistic that she is as committed as I am into saving this marriage. Of course, I'm starting to go back to my old habits of eating, even to a point where I get sick. I'm back to feeling terrible. I just feel the need to purge right now. I'm not really sure whether I'm looking for advice or just need to purge.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

(((WHITE))) I am so sorry hun. I am glad you have taken the first step to a healthier you. It will be a hard road but I think you can do it.

Hs-- I think you are overwhelmed and need some help as well. I don't think anyone here will give you permission to purge. I apprecaite the desperate situation you are in. I think you need to talk to a councelor on your own.

I wish you both the best of luck, and wish good things for both of you! :wink2:

[Kat817 19]

hs--so sorry you are facing such a traumatic event as the separation.

It is not easy---especially when you are blindsided by things. Did your wife give you any reason?

I hate that this has caused you to slip in your wonderful start with your band.

I think I would suggest you try to use the emotions to spur on the weight loss, as opposed to allowing it to re invite old eating ways.

Emotion takes a lot of energy---so when you want to eat, try getting out and taking a walk, it will give you time to think, time to form statements or questions in your mind that you want to bring up when talking with her or your councellor. Plus it will get you away from teh food, and get you some exercise at the same time.

I know they do not compare, but I too went through a trauma not long after being banded. MY DH almost died from a heart problem, and a following GI bleed. I too got to where it was easy to grab chips or candy in a vending machine, and when I got home, I kept it up. My nerves were on edge---it was touch and go---and I was a basket case! Part of his recovery involved him walking. Well he would walk only short distances to start. So when I saw he was ok, when we got back, just ready for a quick nap---and I saw how much better getting out and moving made me feel---I got to where I would walk him back home, and then go for awhile longer.

I thought about all the possible things that I was facing---not knowing if he was going to be able to return to work, whether I needed to consider going back to work, what kind of work I could do. I thought about recipes for heart healthy things I could cook us-----you name it! I thought about it. It was very cathartic. Not to mention, it kept me away from the food, and also got me much needed exercise.

In your case, I hope your wife can make a decision in her life, that will allow you to move forward with yours regardless. Doing that with less pounds, and in better health will be much easier. Stress raised your blood pressure, as does extra weight, so the more you eliminate, the better off you will be.

Try getting some SF popsicles, and eat them as needed. When you need something in your hand to move back and forth to your mouth--use a popsicle! When you get mad and need to cool down---do so literally---with a popsicle. Find several foods, that you can have on hand and within easy reach to grab and use at this point in time to soothe yourself with. Thinking you can face all this without some sort of crutch, is unrealistic! And food has always been one of our BIG crutches or we would not be banded. Just try to have foods that will not cause you to stall----keep your head about you and remember for her to love you, you have to love you-------and sticking to this and getting yourself healthy is one of the best ways you can do that.

Please keep us informed, and let us know you are ok! (((hugs))) I am very sorry for the pain I know you are dealing with.

Kat

[Kat817 19]

BBK--I took hs's need to purge-----as in purging the built up emotion, to actually say out loud(so to speak) what is going on in his life, rid himself of the feelings and hurt----not purge as in binge and purge.....puke.

Hmmmmm I didn't respond to it, because I read it differently.

hs--------you can talk, cry, whine, bitch, moan and or groan------but no puking!!

LOL

Kat

[kbinaz 0]

I am VERY proud of you for coming on here and admitting to what has been going on. You are very brave. Just doing that was probably half the battle. I can totally relate to what you said about the eating disorder issue. I honestly think I am in the same boat and have even done web searches trying to find out if there is a disorder besides the two major ones. The way I think of it is I'm too lazy and love food too much to be anorexic and too chicken to throw up to be bulimic. I just eat and let it sit there then feel guilty about it. For me the band has actually helped my disordered thinking and I hope that you can get there too. This probably has something to do with the fact that PB'ing for me is a miserable,painful ordeal that I am just not willing to suffer through. If it were easy for me like it is for some people I might be doing what you do. (and I'm not going to sit here and claim victory because I am only 5 months out) It has allowed me to stop obsessing about what I should and shouldn't eat and just sit down and eat my meal and be done til the next one. I don't know why, I think it has something to do with the hunger factor. Anyway, kudos to you for admitting this, and I hope with the help of your therapist you can get to the bottom of why you are sabotaging your band. Keep in touch, it would make me very happy to hear how things go for you.

[mikey155734 0]

I will keep you in my prayers. It seems that life sure can be rough sometimes. I feel for you in your struggles with not losing weight. I, too have this constant struggle in my life. I was starting at a new clinic with the lapband, but this week my wife was terminated from her job, so that stopped that in her tracks.

[kbinaz 0]

hs-hang in there. "Purge" on this sight or with a trusted friend, but don't purge in the toilet. Your wife has issues to deal with - I am sure that just as we banders have to deal with our 'stuff' our spouses have issues that are brought up during this process too. As you work through the stuff with your marriage, try to stay true to what you know is the right thing as far as eating goes. And don't hesitate to get help if you need it. Do they have a psychologist on staff where you had your surgery? That could be very helpful to you now. Try not to let the stuff with your wife sabotage the wonderful success you have had. I know that's easy for me to say....know there are a lot of really supportive bandsters out here rooting for you. Keep being honest!

Edited March 20, 2008 by kbinaz
typo

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

BBK--I took hs's need to purge-----as in purging the built up emotion, to actually say out loud(so to speak) what is going on in his life, rid himself of the feelings and hurt----not purge as in binge and purge.....puke.

Hmmmmm I didn't respond to it, because I read it differently.

hs--------you can talk, cry, whine, bitch, moan and or groan------but no puking!!

LOL

Kat

lol...You could be right! If that is the case, yes then purge your heart out, but NOT your tummy. :wink2:

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

I believe in you, White 06 and hsbeach! Coming here to open up was the first step to getting things back into perspective. You may want to seriously consider getting some external help from a Counselor as well. We all need help sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with that.

After all, you went through the incredible and tough decision to get banded. You can do anything you put your mind to!!

Keep us updated, let us know how you are doing.

[White06 0]

Dont even think about it. Believe me when I say its not worth it. I have had many rugs pulled out from under me, its just not worth it. Find it in yourself to recommit. Dont turn out like me and gain what you have lost. It will only make things worse not better. Find another way to Resolve your hurt feelings!!!!

[Kalipso2 25]

i had been in therapy long before i decided to get banded (i'm not banded yet). my therapist labeled me as bulimic and i laughed asking how a fat person could be bulimic. i may not be skinny but i have binged and purged a lot in the past by taking laxatives... up to 15 of them a day! this is how i always lost the most weight. i had the pills timed so that as soon as food got to my stomach i'd immediately have to run to the bathroom.

i have stopped this behavior and its been 7 months since i have purged although i have had a couple of binging episodes.

my point is... you're not alone in this weight loss struggle. there are many of us out here that have the same issues as you do and are trying to handle it too. don't beat yourself up. now that you know what you need to do i hope things become easier for you!

[hsbeach 0]

I'm sorry to have mislead anyone. When I said purge, I did not mean throwing up. More of a purging of emotion. I guess "purge" was not the right word

Sorry

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I'm sorry to have mislead anyone. When I said purge, I did not mean throwing up. More of a purging of emotion. I guess "purge" was not the right word

Sorry

I think because of where my head is I jumped to the wrong meaning of the word. I apologize and I hope it doesn't deter you for speaking your mind here. Sounds to me like you need to be able to do speak!

Best of luck and well wishes!