Unsupportive Caregiver

[betterlate2019 7]

Where to start ...

Three days ago I had surgery. Prior arrangements were made for my mom to be my caregiver. I was hesitant because she didn’t have time for me then so how could she ever make time to care for me now I’m my time of need ? But she said she would so I let it go. She went to the meetings and appointments - now fast forward to the day of surgery and every day after she is a goner! From the time she saw I was able to walk regularly during my first hospital walk - she has thrown me to the wolves. Since discharge I have been on my own and the sad part is we live in the same house. She doesn’t help me walk , prep for liquids , assist with lifting or bending ( I literally had to beg her to get someone to unclog my bathroom tub drain so I could take my first shower since surgery today) , track intake , remind of breathing exercises and is rarely around to help even though she says if you need help just let me know - TRICK HOW when you’re gone or unavailable 3/4 of the day ?! Then to put the icing on the cake 🎂 for the past two to three weeks her as well as everyone who lives in the home as well have been ordering fast food and takeout constantly , eating junk food they never would and inviting me as well as others out to “dinner” ( never did before found out was having surgery) - why so you can call me even fatter ?! And then look at me crazy when I order a salad or have to make alterations in order for the meal to be considered healthy ? No thanks i’ll pass. Anyway I’m Just fed up - she was supposed to go on this liquid diet with me but so far it’s just been talk and oh i’ll start tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes. Junk continues to be eaten right in front of me as if they are trying to tempt me - but newsflash Dipshits - THAT PART OF MY BODY IS NO LONGER PRESENT - IT GOT CUT OUT 3 DAYS AGO ! I’m just sick of all the antics , comments and unsupportiveness. One of my stitches ripped I guess from lifting something earlier and then my leg started to cramp - maybe I was dehydrated / needed to walk to avoid clots - who knows , but I did walk and cannot stomach anymore liquid today. Starting tomorrow I’m going to see if an home nurse can stop by daily because this “help” isn’t just not working for me . And then they wonder why I’m so angry now ?! Psssssh !

Vent over . Any comments ?

[betterlate2019 7]

Thanks for the hug - it beats the hell out of the cold shoulder I’ve been getting around here lately !

[Frustr8 7,886]

Don't you hate it when people(especially your mother) talk the talk but fail to walk the walk when they could be of use? Well, on behalf of all the other Mamas of the world, I will apologize! Perhaps we will resind her Mother Union membership. 👎👵

[elcee 3,343]

Sorry that she has been unhelpful but you can do this on your own, you don’t need a caregiver. When I got home from hospital I was on my own as hubby needed to work.

Just do what you can for yourself and let the rest of the family sort themselves out. Hopefully you grocery shopped before your surgery so your fridge is full of things that you are allowed to consume at this stage.And don’t lift anything that you shouldn’t or attempt housework, just look after yourself and tend to your needs

[angie_is_losing_it 90]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this that way. I really hope your mother comes around and starts helping you more.

Sent from my SM-N950U using BariatricPal mobile app

[gabrielle1 16]

Do whatever you have to do for you? Where do you live? I'd help you in a second. We all love our parents no matter what but when they....when any family is treating you so disrespectfully: Just do what you need to get through this extremely difficult time. Which by the way, I am told will pass and you will be a lot healthier and a lot stronger.

That is probably what scares them the most. Not having you to pick on or whatever. They are your family. You can't change that. But until you want to deal with them and feel fully able to- Don't! GOOD LUCK~ I'm a life coach, I didn't mean to sound preachy. HAHA...If I ever have this done I'll probably be the biggest wuss.

[GreenTealael 25,595]

Sorry every one is unsupportive 💝.

Now that you know it, this has become a hero's journey for you. And... you can do it.

Alone.

Some what because you have to but mostly because your are strong enough.

Not as a comparison model (because thats super tacky and annoying 😅) but I did absolutely everything alone as well except get to and from the hospital, they won't let you. I needed it that way. I needed to rely soley on myself and not fail because of the excuses that others failed me.

I don't know if you are disabled and need a caretaker for other reasons, if so totally arrange for a Pro now... No hard feelings Mum.

Good luck 💜

Edited April 12, 2019 by GreenTealael

[GradyCat 3,697]

You'll be able to take care of yourself now. People around you are going to eat what they're going to eat, so you have to stay strong to focus on the diet that you need to have post-op. Hang in there.

[betterlate2019 7]

Thanks for all the support and kind words guys. I could tell you another instance that’s taking place to today but I will not - just know it involves me staying in the home alone for up to a week ?! My life right now is just so pathetic and what’s even more pathetic is they don’t see anything wrong with what they’re doing. I’ll just be glad when my company and environment changes.

[Rozay 15]

On 04/12/2019 at 15:33, betterlate2019 said:

Thanks for all the support and kind words guys. I could tell you another instance that’s taking place to today but I will not - just know it involves me staying in the home alone for up to a week ?! My life right now is just so pathetic and what’s even more pathetic is they don’t see anything wrong with what they’re doing. I’ll just be glad when my company and environment changes.

I am still pre-op but I can sort of relate. My mother & I live in the same house & we’ve been having it out ever since I told her I wanted to take this journey. I had plans on telling her at the absolute last min but it was recommended to meet w/ your surgeon for the first time with the person who would be around w you immediately following surgery. Well she sang a diff tune during the appt when the surgeon kind of “put her in her place” abt the crazy notions she had abt other ppl who’s journey’s that have been unsuccessful & the dangers. She’s not healthy AT ALL. Breast cancer, diabetes, hypertension, obesity, constant joint pains.... so I know better than to really take in everything she says 🤷🏾‍♀️ but she’s my mother & I know, if needed, she would kill for me but in this situation, I’m looking forward to dealing w/ this on my own. She’s not going to be of any help AT ALL. I had a revelation a couple weeks ago because the first argument we had about the way she “supports” me, I cried & realized this is why they make you have psych evals. They say you may face depression & changing relationships & that sh*t is hard. It was a sadness I hadn’t felt in a long time & I thought she would be happy I’m not falling into another generational curse. I’m preparing myself as much as possible to focus on what I need bc I also know that stress has adverse reactions on health & weight loss as well so I can’t worry about the dependence of anyone else anymore. Newly in a relationship & my boyfriend even told me to come stay w/ him for 2 weeks but I don’t wanna put that on him. Anyway, be strong! You have such a community here & I know we are all rooting for each other. Months/years from now, you’ll realize how much stronger you are for having to deal w/ family the way you have. You’ll be happy that you’re healthy & don’t have to be a slave for the junk that got us in these bad spots to begin with. YOU’VE GOT THIS!

[betterlate2019 7]

Sorry to hear you’re going through something similar but I am glad you can relate - it gives me confirmation that all of this is not in my head. Thanks for all the advice. Best of luck on your journey and much love 💕

[49Nash 103]

I’m sorry your family is not supportive. I’m sure it’s a huge blow. Like others have said you don’t need help with most of the tasks you listed. I had my surgery May 1st and I do everything on my own. I have my husband and kids help but they do things like but me more Soup from the grocery because I can’t drive yet or I do ask them to pick stuff up if I drop it because bending down is so painful. I say find the things you really need help with and let your mom know there are some things you can’t do on your own. But you can walk, get your food from the kitchen, track you Fluid etc on your own. They do suck by eating in front of you and inviting you out to eat. I am sorry they are doing that. I’m not even a little bit hungry so food has not been an issue for me but I’m also not faced with it in front me all the time. You got this!!!

[renjenn 41]

I feel your pain. My family keeps all the junk food on the kitchen island. chips Cookies, bread, crackers, candy. They have no sense of sympathy or consideration for what I have to do. But in life I'm going to have to learn to deal with temptations and having others invite me to dinner. Much of my social life revolves around restaurant meetups and family gatherings with tons of food. It won't change so I will have to. we all have to learn to work around us because the world won't change just because we do.

[NYJenn 1,464]

I’m sorry you have no support. But this is your journey, not hers. Do right by you and let her do her thing. You can def care for yourself a few days post op, do your walking, set timers for your liquids, etc. you got this!

[Samteer 3]

Stay strong, if you were able to survive the first few days after the surgery without help, then I'm pretty sure you can do the rest! Good luck, let us know how it goes!