Unsupportive partners make me so angry!

[CrankyMagpie 509]

This is a rant, not a rave, and it's worth noting that I'm angrier than usual, right now, because the news (in the US) has me rubbed raw, and I don't imagine being on the pre-op liquid diet is exactly helping my mood.

Anyway...

I always have this very strong set of emotions for everyone in these forums whose partners aren't supportive. A little of it is that I'm impressed at their fortitude--I just wouldn't put up with some of the behavior I read about, and I admire their patience. (I don't think they should put up with most of those behaviors, to be clear; I'm just impressed that they can.) Some of it is bafflement, that they do put up with it and don't leave, or react negatively enough to prevent the behavior from recurring. Some of it is, you know, specific anger at the partners' lack of support, and some of it is just a deepening of this constant underlying feminist rage that so many of us have been feeling in recent years, because gender roles so often play such a huge part in all of this, and it's infuriating, in 2018, when we should all know better. (There are, on occasion, unsupportive wives, sure, absolutely. But that is not what the bulk of the stories we see here are. Please don't @ me with stories of unsupportive wives. All of this post applies to them, too, besides the part right before the parentheses.)

We just see so much bad behavior. "This is extra hard because I have to cook for my partner and kids." Have to? "My partner keeps bringing my specific trigger food into the house after I've asked him not to. There are any number of Snacks he'd enjoy as much, foods that wouldn't be problems for me, but he brings that." "My partner told me not to have the surgery, even though all of my doctors support it, even though I have educated him about the benefits and about how minimal the risks are, and even though insurance covers most of it."

It makes me furious. And there isn't a thing I, or anyone else on these forums, can do about it. Encouraging people to leave their partners when they aren't ready to do so is rarely helpful. (And I do recognize we're only getting part of the story. Maybe not every single one of these people we hear about deserves a breakup/divorce, though a few of them... whew.) The kind of bad behavior we see some partners exhibiting is probably not a good indicator that they'd be up for couples' counseling, so there's not a ton of value in suggesting that. I guess we can encourage the person coming to us on the forums to seek their own therapy; that's how a lot of folks learn to set good boundaries and to see the patterns that are constructive, versus those that are destructive.

But it's infuriating, right? Like, we can tell people how to change their own behavior, how to work around sabotage, but we know they're going to have this constant battle, for as long as their partner refuses to change--or to allow them to change, which is more the point.

I guess, for my own part, I could do a better job of avoiding those threads. If I can't help (at least not much), then there's not a lot of sense in getting on that emotional rollercoaster in the first place. But now I know how widespread this is, and I'm ... just ... so ... angry!

[GreenTealael 24,852]

Those threads remind me why I'd rather be single than miserable and to never take $π!+ from anyone...

[FluffyChix 17,409]

10 hours ago, CrankyMagpie said:

This is a rant, not a rave, and it's worth noting that I'm angrier than usual, right now, because the news (in the US) has me rubbed raw, and I don't imagine being on the pre-op liquid diet is exactly helping my mood.

Anyway...

I always have this very strong set of emotions for everyone in these forums whose partners aren't supportive. A little of it is that I'm impressed at their fortitude--I just wouldn't put up with some of the behavior I read about, and I admire their patience. (I don't think they should put up with most of those behaviors, to be clear; I'm just impressed that they can.) Some of it is bafflement, that they do put up with it and don't leave, or react negatively enough to prevent the behavior from recurring. Some of it is, you know, specific anger at the partners' lack of support, and some of it is just a deepening of this constant underlying feminist rage that so many of us have been feeling in recent years, because gender roles so often play such a huge part in all of this, and it's infuriating, in 2018, when we should all know better. (There are, on occasion, unsupportive wives, sure, absolutely. But that is not what the bulk of the stories we see here are. Please don't @ me with stories of unsupportive wives. All of this post applies to them, too, besides the part right before the parentheses.)

We just see so much bad behavior. "This is extra hard because I have to cook for my partner and kids." Have to? "My partner keeps bringing my specific trigger food into the house after I've asked him not to. There are any number of Snacks he'd enjoy as much, foods that wouldn't be problems for me, but he brings that." "My partner told me not to have the surgery, even though all of my doctors support it, even though I have educated him about the benefits and about how minimal the risks are, and even though insurance covers most of it."

It makes me furious. And there isn't a thing I, or anyone else on these forums, can do about it. Encouraging people to leave their partners when they aren't ready to do so is rarely helpful. (And I do recognize we're only getting part of the story. Maybe not every single one of these people we hear about deserves a breakup/divorce, though a few of them... whew.) The kind of bad behavior we see some partners exhibiting is probably not a good indicator that they'd be up for couples' counseling, so there's not a ton of value in suggesting that. I guess we can encourage the person coming to us on the forums to seek their own therapy; that's how a lot of folks learn to set good boundaries and to see the patterns that are constructive, versus those that are destructive.

But it's infuriating, right? Like, we can tell people how to change their own behavior, how to work around sabotage, but we know they're going to have this constant battle, for as long as their partner refuses to change--or to allow them to change, which is more the point.

I guess, for my own part, I could do a better job of avoiding those threads. If I can't help (at least not much), then there's not a lot of sense in getting on that emotional rollercoaster in the first place. But now I know how widespread this is, and I'm ... just ... so ... angry!

There. Their. They're...it's because you're hangry and on liquids deary. This too shall pass and you will once more be able to don the cloak of invisibility with those types of posts. ((hugs)) Hang in there. liquid pre-op AND even post of sucks big ones.

[Frustr8 7,886]

And eventually You Will,Smooth and Get Into the Groove of Your Future Life! It will come , but Slow and Steady works over ZJerky Manuevers Every Time!🚘🚔🚧

[sillykitty 10,704]

15 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

Those threads remind me why I'd rather be single than miserable and to never take $π!+ from anyone...

My thoughts, EXACTLY

[CrankyMagpie 509]

By the clear light of day, I can tell you with certainty: those posts will still make me angry, even when I'm feeling better. They made me angry when I was eating real food. They'll make me angry when I'm eating real food again. I might find it easier to brush them off, then? But these aren't new emotions. My being willing to say "feminist rage" on this forum is the only new thing, this week.

@GreenTealael is right: it's better to be alone than to be with some of the partners I've read about on here. If my partner were half as awful to me, about all of this, as some of the stories I've read, I'd be single again. (I love him. I'm committed to him. But I expect him to treat me as an equal partner and someone worthy of respect. Happily, he does, which is no doubt a large part of why I love him.)

[clsumrall 535]

Partners, can’t live with them can’t kill them. So, just love them and love ourselves first. I heard that somewhere!

[Frustr8 7,886]

Another way to say it. They all need hugging or slugging, and some days you gotta flip a coin!

[MIZ60 1,291]

The discipline to succeed has to come from inside you and not from someone else. That said, I am very lucky to have a supportive husband. After 35 years together, we have definitely not always been on an even keel together but he knows how much this means to me and does try to help as much as possible. I could not imagine him actually doing things deliberately to throw me off course.

By joining me on the daily walks and eating more healthy he has lost 17 pounds without really trying too hard. He was not massively overweight by any means (BMI started at 28 and now 25) and feels great.

Life is too short to be unhappy with a partner.

[J San 1,071]

I think a part of the issue (in some cases a big part) is that the individual allows themselves to be in that position to begin with. In order to go through this journey you have to be strong willed and willing to give up the lifestyle that got you into a bad place. The individual has to make that decision not the partner, kids, mother, father, aunt, neighbor or mailman. It's your life to live, healthy or miserable and possibly sick like before WLS. Sure take your partners feeling into consideration but if they have no valid reason, and I don't think there is one, for not agreeing with you going through with it than there shouldn't be a problem. Sometimes (most of the time) it's a personal issue they have themselves, be it jealousy or whatever. So like they say, Place the oxygen mask on yourself first before you go to help others.

[MargoCL 677]

At each of my psych appointments including my NUT appointments I am asked about my support team. Maybe it's me, but I've been honest from the get go. My partner is my #1 support, he is the one I went to when I started to be serious about this journey. And when I finally decided he and I spoke of the after effects, changes, challenges, etc. And we would have to endure. If we hadn't been open and honest from the start, my success wouldn't be there. Because my food triggers were stress in the house, having his support was important to me. Now, I also know that success is all within me, but having people support and motivate you make it all the easier.

[NYJenn 1,461]

When I changed, the whole family changed. They can roll with it, or go find someone else to cook dinner

[Spellbound 48]

Sometimes, we don’t see how people in our lives can be until we after we begin improving ourselves. It’s when we change something about ourselves that they valued or something about is that they needed - even if it’s bad for us or puts us in a worse light.

[MargoCL 677]

10 hours ago, NYJenn said:

When I changed, the whole family changed. They can roll with it, or go find someone else to cook dinner

I think that's where I was lucky, the household wanted to eat better as well. Now we eat a very low carb lifestyle and all of us are happier because of it.

[Bryn910 519]

I agree with you 100%

but let’s be real, these problems occurred and were there in the relationships before WLS. In some form or another. These spouses are just seeing it because they’ve had something drastic occur in their lives.

and let’s be real on another note, people settle for partners. ALL THE TIME. And they settle within the relationship. I met my husband with him not knowing how to cook; guess what, I taught him and now he cooks. If we have kids together I want my kids to see their parents sharing roles. He does laundry, cleans, cooks, grocery shop. I do yard work, I repair our vehicles etc.

this is why it’s common that partners seperate after WLS. People don’t have standards...it’s ok to have standards. Fight for yourself or no one else will