Okay so here goes...

I am having some hang ups about losing weight. I am refusing to wear anything but sweat pants and large shirts. The funny thing is: I didn't own a pair of sweat pants before the surgery, as I always wore jeans. I use excuses such as: "I am too bloated to put on pants." or "My jeans don't fit yet." or "Jeans bother my port area." But truth be known I haven't even tried on a pair of pants yet. Today I am hanging out in my PJs because my sweats are in the wash.

I don't know if I lost any weight because I won't get on a scale. I tell myself that I haven't because I don't look any different yet. (And of course my clothes don't fit any different.) Really no one says anything about me losing weight so I figure I haven't. Hence, that is why I won't get on a scale, because what if this was all for nothing? I know this is stupid thinking; I am so aware of that even as I type it.

Now yesterday and today I have resorted back to liquids. I just don't feel like consuming any food whatsoever. I never thought I would regret getting this band but I kind of do. I feel so much pressure to lose weight. I figure if I close my eyes and pull the cover over my head it will go away. The good news is: At least I am not stuffing my face with cake.

I know that everyone is excited to have their band and see their results. So what the heck is wrong with me? Thank you for reading.

I totally TOTALLY understand you. I am so desperate for this band to work -- it really is my last resort (I refuse to get RNY). I had to really convince DH to agree for us to self-pay $17,000 and if I fail....well I don't even want to imagine it. The pressure is enormous, and I have been having some bouts of depression over it too -- mainly fear I guess. One thing I find interesting though -- I noticed from your earlier posts the fact that you avoid the scale until you go to the doctor. I actually was commenting on that to my husband because, you see, I am a daily weigher. I HAVE to know, and although some days it may result in a sense of false disappointment (you know, due to Water weight, humidity, my period, whatever), I feel that it keeps me accountable. For instance, I have just recently begun soft foods and last week the scale inched up a pound. I was very upset, DH just chuckled at me. And I know, I KNOW it is to be expected and it can fluctuate several pounds from day to day, but I noticed myself tightening the reins on myself for the next day or so anyway. I still ate real food, but was very mindful of my choices. Today when I woke up, the scale had gone back down a pound. Was that MY victory? Who knows, but it made me feel good and in control (a feeling I am not that familiar with). Anyway, my point is maybe you should get on the scale - you will either be pleased at the results, or you won't and you will maybe make better choices -- either way, the ultimate result will be (hopefully) positive. And if your food and exercise choices are already great, then just remember what all these other veteran bandsters say about bandster hell. Once we get fills, it will begin to pass and the pounds will be released.

I believe it will ALL be worth it. I can't see any difference in myself yet either, and I am wearing all my normal clothes, so I really feel your discouragement there. But, heck, 25 more pounds from now? You KNOW we'll be able to tell.

And what you wrote is not stupid thinking. Most of us have spent decades having food issues and internal wars and playing head games with ourselves. This will not sort itself out in under a month, and probably not for many months. Feel free to vent girl, chances are many, many of us get you. :bounce:

Good luck to you, I always enjoy reading your posts - the upbeat and the not so upbeat. Hang in there -- we'll get through this together!

Jenne

Sounds like you are going thru the stages of grief or depression as I have been reading in the latest book...WLS for Dummies. She talks about depression after the surgery due to grieving the loss of food and how we were able to eat, amount we were eating, getting in touch with reality. You may want to go up on Amazon.com as I found it half price from the store.

As an Addiction Therapist going thru this journey myself, I am being affirmed by clinical skills I have. However, I know I can't be my own therapist, but it does make since to grieve a change of my best buddy (food.) But food is also an enemy as look at the affects I am having now, overweight, take meds for depression due to other traumas in life, scared about surgery, but for some reason, I keep bouncing back.

Please read how others got thru this part of the journey.

Hang in there...cause it will get better.

Hey Jenne,

I have just found this website last week. I, too was banded on October 11th and am going through all kinds of emotional ups and downs. I have not lost any weight in 2 weeks and have already had a fill on Oct.25. I have the new 10CC band and have noticed people complaining that they don't like the new band, but I was told it was the new and improved band and would be better, but I am just hungry alot. The mornings are not too bad, but I at night I stay hungry!! How are you doing?

Terri (mrsivo)

Amy,

I'm wondering if you think that since the weight hasn't come off over night that you think you don't deserve to wear something nice. People may not notice your weight loss for a while. Don't let that stop you from being proud of the fact that you are taking control of your health. Brush your hair and put on some lipstick. Start thinking about what you're going to wear for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years. Its time to be good to yourself in new healthy ways.

Anne

Hi Terri,

Glad you found this site -- it is awesome and SO informative. I can't belive you've already had a fill! My doc makes us wait at least 6 weeks. I'm like you, I have little appetite in the morning, but I can get pretty hungry in the evening. I have been going to the gym daily and trying to eat 1000 cals or less, and the scale ain't budgin. Grrr. But I know if I continue to do these things, the weight will come off eventually - it HAS to, right?

Have you read alot of the threads on here? I have read in several places that most people do not get restriction until their 3rd or 4th fill. Sounds like we have to rely alot on sheer willpower until we get that perfect fill...but obviously I have no personal experience with that yet. I lost the majority of my weight on the pre-op diet and maybe only about 7 or so since surgery. *sigh* Keep reading, though, and you will learn ALOT. Good luck, and keep me posted on how you are. Feel free to PM me anytime!!

Jenne

I have picked myself up by my boot straps and said, "Amy, for goodness sake woman what are you doing? You are hot, remember?" I got on a scale and I found out I lost another 11 pounds. (It must be in my bum where I can't see it.) Went to my closet put on some jeans, a fitted top, and went shopping. It is a start.

For me I have to believe that this is ACTUALLY happening. I will stick to my exercise plan and eating schedule, and hope for the best!

Thanks to everyone for all their encouragement and support and PM's. I could not have kicked my own butt without you guys.

Hey ya'll

I have been researching for myself what is coming in front of me. I purchased WLS for Dummies. She really explains what may happen. She talks about depression cycling thru, and as a therapist, I agree, life we use to know, eating whatever we wanted whenever and as much as we wanted, did us harm, and we choose to let the band help us. In her book she talks about using the same tools I use with my clients. Journaling your feelings, so the feelings are honored and out of the body. I know I am pissed that I can't eat like normal people. I don't really relish going thru surgery but I know today I can't keep going the route I have been without some "more" critical problems. I think my venture thru this is to help my clients, maybe even change my client base to expand with "us" WLS clients. I know it looks like society is still wanting to "SHAME US" but I know today, I have just as much right to be treated like a good person (no matter what my size is.) I also see where we will grieve having our buddy "food" turn on us...by making us larger, larger and larger. Since I went to Eating Disorder treatment in 1989 I have gained 100 more lbs. That scares me, but I also know I have become "MORE MENTALLY HEALTHY" and can face the surgery today. I couldn't have done it back then.

I would highly recommend getting this book...just because it is validating me, helping me understand what I am going to go thru.

Please do not give up, from one of us that wants to face the challenge of the lapband tool.

You may want to call the nutritionist and see what you could do differently with the new band (as far as your food.) I have been hearing protein first and then other stuff. I also have been testing out the protein drinks to see how they taste but if they satisfy me w/o the band. So far, both tasted good, but only one really satisfied by hunger. My surgery will be in January sometime. Hope this helps.

Hi everyone,

I know you know what I mean when I say that reading your postings is tremendously consoling. I was banded 5 days ago and am feeling every friggin' feeling on the planet. A small bit of criticism at work today had me on my way home balling. The liquid diet and the grieving of my old crutch has me feeling tremendously vulnerable. I like the idea of journaling, and I'm also doing therapy, 12 Step Meetings (OA), walking in the morning (tomorrow is my first day), and sleeping when I get home. My history with depression tells me that I have no choice but to fight and fight hard to avoid it. I've been sober in AA for 23 years, but in my 40s I clearly switched my addiction. It's time to PRACTICE the principles. If I have to read them aloud every day until I internalize them, I will. My name is Maureen. I'm a compulsive overeater. Just for today, and with the help of my band, I will not pick up the food to cope with life's stresses. If anyone can relate to that type of recovery plan, I'd sure be happy to hear from you. I'd also love some tips about how to get some more energy. Water, tea, protein shakes and applesauce are what I'm doing so far. I go to mush on 11/9, which seems lightyears away. Right now, I'm just plain tired and feeling overwhelmed by so much change. But...but. but....I'm very glad to have done this. I am 100 lbs overweight. There, I said it. Yep, morbidly obese. All of the shame and crap that goes with that is still between my ears. But I will rise from the ashes as I have done twice before. But this time. This time? I will have the band to help me stay away from what hurts me and was killing me. I am determined to be well and content in my own skin. I want to live!

:faint:

Hey Tenancious Tens,

I'm evesdropping (sp?) on your threads. I'm an August bandster. I am feeling a little depressed the last few days for the first time since surgery and I have been reading for some inspiration. I figured I would read your posts because I was so inspired in the first weks after surgery. I think I am just going through the grieving ofthe lost of my comforter- food. I can relate to feeling like an addict. Don't get me wrong, I lost 37 lbs so I am working this tool but the last couple of days have been rough. Anyway, Good luck to all! Keep me in your prayers. I m feeling more inspired since reading these and other posts. Like they say in the rooms (AA/NA) Keep coming back, It works if you work it!

Val

Hey Maureen,

As they say in the 12-step meetings...use that Serenity Prayer as much as you want...it won't wear out. Shorter version...I can't, he/she can, so why don't I let him/her.

I know for me in my other 12-step programs (20 years in recovery) the program works; now have to face the fact that I must look at the weight being a mask for more years of pain I haven't dealt with. But this forum and others are helping me realize I can shed the weight, learn how to deal with the weight being gone, and face life on life's terms with the help of HP.

So to all, let's use all our tools available with the band for the best chance at success.

Here is to us,

Hey Amy! You are always so "up", I can never believe it. I'm sorry you are at a rough spot.

I seem to be a constant state of (my usual) lack of confidence, depression, down on myself.

I have lost a bit of weight, but as I didn't have an terribly high BMI I worry I now eat things I shouldn't because "i can" and "i haven't had my first fill". My surgery was on Oct 22, and the mental turmoil is a lot less now, but I am so busy with work I don't know which way to turn. This week has been a nightmare and my tummy aches - way too long on my feet. Unfortunately there are only the two of us to run our business and its "that season".

I was REALLY lucky with my post op gas/pain and don't go to my Doc for another 3 weeks.

I just wonder that it isn't my "normal" mentality kicking back in :cry

I can eat a mashed avocado sandwich without crusts, - I thought I shoudln't be able to do this - things like this. I mean I am very careful and chew and I beat myself up, and think, its not like chocolate, but I'm not exercising yet, I'm soooooooo tired.

I read the board a fair bit for support,though I feel bad sometimes I don't have a lot to offer others.

Sounds like we all have a touch of it eh? I have put on 3 pounds in the last 4-5 days and have a cruise I go on beginning this Friday. Not good. I do have the body bugg but I've even lost the interest to wear that secondary to the weight gain. We were told we would likely not lose and may gain weight during this time but I DO NOT like it. Last night I was eating some Golden spoon yogurt (20c/oz) and it was a sizable bowl (bout 8 oz). My husband goes by and says, "That's why you put on a pound". He was smiling but when I looked up at him, the smile melted away lol. He paid for this surgery so this gives me more feelings of pressure. I know that when I DO go back to work they will all expect me to be on my way to weight loss heaven. *sigh*.

All these pity-pot feelings when I should be thanking God for all these blessings He's heaped on me. Just goes to show you, that no matter how much you have, you always want more.

Thanks for your ear (eyes, I should say lol).

Aww guys I think we are all just getting blue, because we are going through some pretty big changes in our lives. I started wearing my jeans, and I feel okay about it. I bought an evil scale. (EEEK, but I have managed to stay off of it. I am not going to be a scale slave.) I think it is harder because the band is my main focus right now. I exercise for my band, I eat for my band, I rest for my band...ect.

Next week I am going to do what I normally do when I get down....I am going on vacation. I am going to take some time off from bandland. I am going to step outside of all of this, and just relax. I will stick to my eating plan, but I am forgetting everything else. I mean everywhere I look there are reminders that life is different: pills, a pill crusher, dixie cups, bottled flavored Water, pudding cups, Soups, Crystal Light, heating pads, ice packs, you name it- I got it. I just need to get away, so I am going shopping for new clothes and pick-me-ups. (I TOTALLY LOVE MY HUSBAND- he treats me so well. (I never call him my DH because he deserves the full his title!) )

I totally understand that not everyone can get away, but try and do something nice for yourself, because look at all we have been through this last month. I for one can say it was one of the hardest months of my life.

So don't feel bad about feeling down. If you are one of the few who get through this without a touch of the blues- count your blessings. To the rest of us: remember we must take care of ourselves, and give ourselves a break.

(I also love the Tenacious Tens too!)

<p>Today was a whole lot better than yesterday. I don't think I've cried that long or that hard since I got divorced 18 years ago, and that was my idea! I think I was just plain grieving. Yesterday I did a phone meeting of Greysheeters Anonymous, a 12 Step Program that is very clear and simple. The meeting was profound, and I kept the phone on mute so that I could just keep crying. </p> <p> </p> <p>I'm getting awfully tired of the pain in my solar plexis! Does it ever friggin' let up? I have two bandages left to fall off, and my incisions really hurt by the end of the day when I'm as tired as I am now. Fatigue is an issue, but I know it was right to walking this morning for 20 minutes with my crazy poodle, Trevor. I walk very slowly, and mildly bent over. I have this crazy fear that someone will sucker punch me in my band. Weird huh? The mental torment I went through yesterday seems to have purged a lot of the terror I felt at doing such an out-of-character thing as going to Tijuana, MX and having surgery, even safe laparoscopic surgery. I have just had this nightmarish Frankensteinian feeling that I pray will leave me soon. Perhaps it comes when someone has plastic surgery too. It is no doubt inevitable that the mind must catch up with the body. I read feverishly through every piece of 12 Step literature in my house last night to remind myself that I chose, this, I need it, I am a food addict, and I am blessed to be back in recovery with the added support of the band. I merely need to hang on until the swelling and gas pain ends. My friend said hers lasted about 8 days, and I'm on day 6 today, so I feel some hope that it will indeed end one day. I watched her have high energy and enthusiasm, as though she had no discomfort, so I am hoping to have some peace relatively soon. But my therapist is also here to remind me that I must be gentle, gentle, gentle with myself, something an addict is very unprone to do. The good news, and it really is good, is that the paradox of faith can help me transcend any bit of my fears. Focusing on my God and the fact that I am a part of a community of people, both here and in OA, who suffer the same torment, will help me to regain a purposeful life. It is the only way; it always was. In essence, I elected to force myself into recovery. There's no going back. I bid you all peace and surrender to a recovery plan the will help you focus outside yourself and way, way passed food. Remember, overeating is but a symptom of a larger flaw in our thinking. We are, indeed, not the center of the universe. Our task is to stop expecting consolation at every turn in which we feel the least bit discomfort. Our spiritual fitness should be our highest priority: ahead of work, children, husbands, money, food, or even best friends who need us. </p>