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Hit me with your best dad jokes

StephersSweet

By StephersSweet, in The Lounge

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StephersSweet    78

StephersSweet
Posted

C'mon we all know some, I'll start.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

So many ...

59c6f7179cf9c_ScreenShot2017-09-24at10_06_03.png.6c525fe52cbe456c392d04790ff4536a.png

59c6f71b4dc48_ScreenShot2017-09-24at10_05_45.png.891c906f00ddeae4dc4c5e7742d14c86.png

59c6f71c79b7c_ScreenShot2017-09-24at10_05_29.png.c74ab780bdbca788866f01033fe762e7.png

59c6f7232d6b0_ScreenShot2017-09-24at10_05_09.png.d0fafc528a9d22526efca6515382c328.png

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

Just to round out the baker's dozen ...

59c6f8d7b5f17_ScreenShot2017-09-24at10_12_53.png.7bdb8088cc3cd08bd316cde68cf760a1.png

59c6f8db59845_ScreenShot2017-09-24at10_12_38.png.f4dd129a12e10e73de1fe69a7e295bb7.png

59c6f8d361a20_ScreenShot2017-09-24at10_13_16.png.c2eed6bac4deddd6a4eded732e43ef80.png

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

A pilot in a plane flying over the ocean had to ditch as the plane engines failed.

He saw a ship and headed towards it hoping to be saved if he ended up nearby.

Sadly, he misjudged and went straight into the ship. He went through the upper deck and every deck below and, finally, right through the hull of the ship causing it to sink.

With the passengers swimming towards the lifeboats, he resurfaced and joined them. The others were totally amazed at how he could have survived this and asked how he did it.

He said, " I've been through hardships before."

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Rainbow_Warrior    996

Rainbow_Warrior
Posted

5 minutes ago, Maggie_ said:

A buccaneer

JUDGE: We are searching for more evidence.

PIRATE CAPTAIN: There is none.

JUDGE: Well, firstly, where are your buccaneers?

PIRATE CAPTAIN: On me buccan head!

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karen_marie    220

karen_marie
Posted

When you're trying to be cheesy, but everyone around you is laughtose intolerant.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I don't trust those trees. They seem a little shady.

What video game do you play on the toilet? Call of Doody.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? Because it needed tweetment.

Didi you know I used to be a banker? Meh, I lost interest.

I started a band named "999 Megabites" but we haven't gotten any gigs yet.

A blind man walks into a bar...and a table...and a chair...and people

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StephersSweet    78

StephersSweet
Posted

A termite walks into a tavern and says "is the bar tender here?"

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StephersSweet    78

StephersSweet
Posted

How do you make holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.

What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO

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    • Alisa_S

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      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
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