Hubby says " you aren't the one that has to be attracted to you" ..., WHAT?

[Dknal2 1,066]

6 minutes ago, BostonGary said:

It's interesting to read this thread. Before I went through surgery, I read a LOT about how the dark side of this surgery and that it will end up shining a light on relationships that are not strong. Sometimes ending otherwise weaker relationships because one of the partners evolves and the other doesn't like the evolution and change.

But there's a pattern here: It appears (and maybe it's because I'm like the ONLY guy posting) that women are finding their male partners aren't very supportive of them and are actually kind of mean. Reading the comments is making me feel like men are really, really mean spirited towards their partners. I don't quite understand it, I would think if I was married or with a woman that wanted to be healthy, look great and feel great, I'd get 100% behind her and support her.

How can I not benefit from that as a man?! Seeing the pictures of women and their bodies before and after, come on... that's awesome. If you're a male, you have to love that! I just don't get it...

I also find it really interesting that I'm not seeing a lot of men sharing the same issues where their wife or partner was negative or simply mean to them. I'm starting to think now that these men chose women they could control or feed off their insecurity or body issues and now fear the "new person" will be not the person they can continue to hold back because they will have confidence, feel good and probably get more attention.

I don't have the same experience.

In fact, my own situation, my wife was very supportive and does really supportive things like helps me clothes shop (which you have to do after losing so much weight). Little things that make me feel like what I'm doing is not only good for me, it's good for her -- she says kind things to me like "wow, you look good, how do you feel?"

It's troubling that women are in these bad relationships and it took a surgery to finally have them realize this.

You are so lucky to have a great wife. That's how a marriage is supposed to be. Sad that it takes a surgery to reveal all the weak links in the union but hay better late than never. As for me, I have known for a while that my marriage was in a bad place , for many reasons, I was just hanging on to a shred of hope I guess. I'm 39 and have been with my husband since I was 17, so it's just been a hard task to actually leave. But I have had my epiphany and know what needs to be done to ensure my happiness.

[Dknal2 1,066]

1 hour ago, lornasaurusleeve said:

The more notifications I get with additions to this post the sadder I get. A lot of you are in relationships with straight up no question emotionally (at the very least) abusive men. I hope you are able to break free. You deserve better.

Thank you.... I hope so too.

[lornasaurusleeve 91]

Thank you.... I hope so too.

I believe in you! You deserve to be happy and loved! [emoji171]

[Dknal2 1,066]

12 minutes ago, lornasaurusleeve said:

I believe in you! You deserve to be happy and loved!

Thanks so much ... that's all I want. I appreciate the support god knows I would not have been able to do this without the support of you all on BP. I mean that from the bottom of my heart

[lornasaurusleeve 91]

It's interesting to read this thread. Before I went through surgery, I read a LOT about how the dark side of this surgery and that it will end up shining a light on relationships that are not strong. Sometimes ending otherwise weaker relationships because one of the partners evolves and the other doesn't like the evolution and change.
But there's a pattern here: It appears (and maybe it's because I'm like the ONLY guy posting) that women are finding their male partners aren't very supportive of them and are actually kind of mean. Reading the comments is making me feel like men are really, really mean spirited towards their partners. I don't quite understand it, I would think if I was married or with a woman that wanted to be healthy, look great and feel great, I'd get 100% behind her and support her.
How can I not benefit from that as a man?! Seeing the pictures of women and their bodies before and after, come on... that's awesome. If you're a male, you have to love that! I just don't get it...
I also find it really interesting that I'm not seeing a lot of men sharing the same issues where their wife or partner was negative or simply mean to them. I'm starting to think now that these men chose women they could control or feed off their insecurity or body issues and now fear the "new person" will be not the person they can continue to hold back because they will have confidence, feel good and probably get more attention.
I don't have the same experience.
In fact, my own situation, my wife was very supportive and does really supportive things like helps me clothes shop (which you have to do after losing so much weight). Little things that make me feel like what I'm doing is not only good for me, it's good for her -- she says kind things to me like "wow, you look good, how do you feel?"
It's troubling that women are in these bad relationships and it took a surgery to finally have them realize this.

Abusive men prey on women with low self esteem and insecurities. Overweight women can be a very easy target.

[Delta_35 129]

On ‎4‎/‎3‎/‎2017 at 11:11 AM, Dknal2 said:

Well BP FAM , I'm back again with a rant. My husband and I were talking last night and he made comments in how he wished I never had this surgery. He stated that my butt has gone almost away and he felt all unneeded to do was tone up and lose my belly initially. Well, first of all, I don't know how you tone up 242 lbs with BMI 0f 39( which was my initial weight and BMI). So.... he proceeded to run his mouth about all the things I can't do like drink gallons of sweet tea, eat cake and Cookies, go to restaurants and eat appetizer , entree and dessert.. You know all of the healthy stuff that led me to be 242 lbs in the first place. Well, I was really hurt by his comments. My rebuttal was how much healthier I am , I am a lose size 10 as opposed to a tight size 16, I am no longer out of breath with walking 20 feet and I am able to exercise. I like how my body has changed and I told him I love my size. Well, he said "you don't have to be attracted to you, I do and you only needed to lose a little belly but now your butt has gone down tremendously " well needless to say I was pushed to my breaking point. I was like if you don't like what you see, go and find you a thick chic with a donkey's ass. I'm not even at goal yet so I'm gonna lose more and just ticked that he would say that to me which made me feel a lil insecure about my looks. Then I snapped out of it. I have posted pics on my other forums but I will put my last one here as well. Not tooting my own horn but I worked hard for these results . I had surgery in Dec 2016. I am just like dang I can't win for losing .i really thought I was doing good . My pics show one week after surgery on left, middle is 1 1/2 months post op and last pic on right was about 2 weeks ago.

You look amazing!!! Omg I wish I had that stomach!

I cant speak on your marriage but I agree with the first poster, counseling should be the first step. His remarks were pretty strong, please do not let him or anyone else push you to go back to bad habits due to what they THINK. If he loves you, he will work through his feelings, which seems to me to be based on some amount of jealous. I think that is normal..he is a man and you are a woman. He may be scared of how much you changed, and your new look. Pray on it, and I hope all works out for you two..but regardless, do NOT let him steer you back to your old ways and jeopardize your success.

[Newme17 3,444]

On ‎4‎/‎3‎/‎2017 at 0:21 PM, kimmy faith said:

You look AMAZING girl ! , dont let men get to you.

Me and my mother are both getting the gastric sleeve , im getting mine first them she will be getting hers.Our situation is quite similar, you see i have a step father who honestly doesn't care about anyone else's feelings except his. About a week ago he had told my mom he does not want to hear about the surgery because he don't think we can do it , because we've been big forever.Im 19 my moms 39 Im so excited to go through this process with my mother who is also my best friend. Im here if you need anyone to talk to love

Add me on FB if you ever need someone- Kimmy spidle

This made me smile. It's awesome you and your mom are doing it together! I'd love my mom to do it, but she's got too many health problems to deal with it. Many blessings to the both of you!

[LadyFurball 18]

Because I see so many others in a similar situation, I have to recommend some reading that helped me so much. I was not in a physically abusive relationship but the control, gaslighting, and psychological BS was off the charts wacko. It took not only friends, but neighbors and people who I barely knew coming up to me and expressing concern before I started to see it. A friend recommended a book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, and reading it helped me SO much. I never felt my situation was bad "enough", but I felt so alone. It helped to be able to understand. I had the book on my password protected kindle (if he had seen me reading it I don't know what would have happened). This book helped me more than I can say. In case it can help any of you here or your loved ones, I felt I had to share:

http://lundybancroft.com/books/
The book I read was Why Does He Do That?

And Dknal2: (((Hug hug hug hug!))). Thank you for posting this. I am so with you in spirit, and I think your post has helped so many people already to be able to talk about this and to not feel alone!

[Newme17 3,444]

2 hours ago, BostonGary said:

It's interesting to read this thread. Before I went through surgery, I read a LOT about how the dark side of this surgery and that it will end up shining a light on relationships that are not strong. Sometimes ending otherwise weaker relationships because one of the partners evolves and the other doesn't like the evolution and change.

But there's a pattern here: It appears (and maybe it's because I'm like the ONLY guy posting) that women are finding their male partners aren't very supportive of them and are actually kind of mean. Reading the comments is making me feel like men are really, really mean spirited towards their partners. I don't quite understand it, I would think if I was married or with a woman that wanted to be healthy, look great and feel great, I'd get 100% behind her and support her.

How can I not benefit from that as a man?! Seeing the pictures of women and their bodies before and after, come on... that's awesome. If you're a male, you have to love that! I just don't get it...

I also find it really interesting that I'm not seeing a lot of men sharing the same issues where their wife or partner was negative or simply mean to them. I'm starting to think now that these men chose women they could control or feed off their insecurity or body issues and now fear the "new person" will be not the person they can continue to hold back because they will have confidence, feel good and probably get more attention.

I don't have the same experience.

In fact, my own situation, my wife was very supportive and does really supportive things like helps me clothes shop (which you have to do after losing so much weight). Little things that make me feel like what I'm doing is not only good for me, it's good for her -- she says kind things to me like "wow, you look good, how do you feel?"

It's troubling that women are in these bad relationships and it took a surgery to finally have them realize this.

I'm real sorry to read and hear of them as well. I know quite a few ladies I mentor who are in abusive relationships and it does usually stem from the men as the abuser. But there are plenty of mean and nasty-spirited women as well. With that said, I don't want to ever think a great marriage/relationship couldn't happen because they can! I have one.

I agree with @OutsideMatchInside though, the surgery isn't the problem...there are/were issues before that the surgery may have "fueled the fire"

Blessings to you @Dknal2 EVEN SO...it is well with your soul. Right?

[Dknal2 1,066]

2 hours ago, Delta_35 said:

You look amazing!!! Omg I wish I had that stomach!

I cant speak on your marriage but I agree with the first poster, counseling should be the first step. His remarks were pretty strong, please do not let him or anyone else push you to go back to bad habits due to what they THINK. If he loves you, he will work through his feelings, which seems to me to be based on some amount of jealous. I think that is normal..he is a man and you are a woman. He may be scared of how much you changed, and your new look. Pray on it, and I hope all works out for you two..but regardless, do NOT let him steer you back to your old ways and jeopardize your success.

Thank you so much.... kisses from Alabama😊

[Dknal2 1,066]

1 hour ago, Newme17 said:

I'm real sorry to read and hear of them as well. I know quite a few ladies I mentor who are in abusive relationships and it does usually stem from the men as the abuser. But there are plenty of mean and nasty-spirited women as well. With that said, I don't want to ever think a great marriage/relationship couldn't happen because they can! I have one.

I agree with @OutsideMatchInside though, the surgery isn't the problem...there are/were issues before that the surgery may have "fueled the fire"

Blessings to you @Dknal2 EVEN SO...it is well with your soul. Right?

You are right ... it is well. Thank you so much. I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. I know and truly believe this.

[ready_to_be_thin 179]

Dang girl you look amazing!!! Honestly I have to say that I'm jealous of your pre-op pic much less your post-op pic!! You don't look by any means that you weighed 242 pounds in that pic. You sure carried your weight really well!! I'm sorry that you are having to deal with his comments. He is probably somewhat worried that you are going to leave him for someone else. Its probably just all of his own insecurities coming out. Hang in there, and keep up the great work. Do this for you!

[Dknal2 1,066]

3 hours ago, lornasaurusleeve said:

Abusive men prey on women with low self esteem and insecurities. Overweight women can be a very easy target.

I wasn't overweight when we got together... I gained weight after our third child about 5 years after we were together. My esteem was through the roof and I don't think the weight was the reason in me losing myself as much as I did but more so the crap that I allowed him to put me through and that I accepted because I wanted to keep my family together at all costs. You see I came from a divorced home and I had a mother who was a drug addict that left me to be mom of my brother. I longed for a long time just for someone to really love me and protect me and cherish me because I didn't have that. Initially I thought my husband would do that but we sometimes put on blinders because of what we want and not look at the obvious. I know that I deserve better than this and big or not everyone deserves respect and just to have a love that their heart just can't be without. For a long time I just thought that I needed to just suck it up and be happy that I am married and all that crap. But that has only caused me to injured emotionally more so than I was. But I have grown as a woman and what I used to feel I needed ... not so much now. I will be okay and I have faith that I will get though this situation.

[Dknal2 1,066]

1 hour ago, LadyFurball said:

Because I see so many others in a similar situation, I have to recommend some reading that helped me so much. I was not in a physically abusive relationship but the control, gaslighting, and psychological BS was off the charts wacko. It took not only friends, but neighbors and people who I barely knew coming up to me and expressing concern before I started to see it. A friend recommended a book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, and reading it helped me SO much. I never felt my situation was bad "enough", but I felt so alone. It helped to be able to understand. I had the book on my password protected kindle (if he had seen me reading it I don't know what would have happened). This book helped me more than I can say. In case it can help any of you here or your loved ones, I felt I had to share:

http://lundybancroft.com/books/
The book I read was Why Does He Do That?

And Dknal2: (((Hug hug hug hug!))). Thank you for posting this. I am so with you in spirit, and I think your post has helped so many people already to be able to talk about this and to not feel alone!

I receive all of your hugs 🤗. Thank you so much for your encouragement and I am definitely going to look the book up on my kindle app.

[lornasaurusleeve 91]

I wasn't overweight when we got together... I gained weight after our third child about 5 years after we were together. My esteem was through the roof and I don't think the weight was the reason in me losing myself as much as I did but more so the crap that I allowed him to put me through and that I accepted because I wanted to keep my family together at all costs. You see I came from a divorced home and I had a mother who was a drug addict that left me to be mom of my brother. I longed for a long time just for someone to really love me and protect me and cherish me because I didn't have that. Initially I thought my husband would do that but we sometimes put on blinders because of what we want and not look at the obvious. I know that I deserve better than this and big or not everyone deserves respect and just to have a love that their heart just can't be without. For a long time I just thought that I needed to just suck it up and be happy that I am married and all that crap. But that has only caused me to injured emotionally more so than I was. But I have grown as a woman and what I used to feel I needed ... not so much now. I will be okay and I have faith that I will get though this situation.

Girl you are so strong! That example wasn't specific to you, but also as you pointed out, your core life beliefs due to prior traumas (at no fault of your own!) still left you vulnerable to predatory people. I kind of see it as little pre-drilled holes in your overall psyche and abusive people will plug right into any perceived weakness they can find.