Hubby says " you aren't the one that has to be attracted to you" ..., WHAT?

[Dknal2 1,066]

11 hours ago, BigUtahMan said:

My 2 cents...
in my life experience being married for 20+ years, having gone through counseling and observed many relationship dynamics as I help people with addictions with recovery. Your situation in many respects I think is a natural consequence when one person changes without the other person immediately changing with them.

I believe "birds of a feather flock together ". Which has good and bad implications, when we are married to people who suddenly don't seem to fit us anymore .
First, if he is "broken" today, I will assume he was broken the day you first met. So consciously or subconsciously you were attracted and or accepted his brokenness then until now. He also was attracted and accepted your brokenness as well which has worked at some level as you are still together. (Probably nothing to do with your physical appearance.)

I have no idea if there is co- dependency inside your relationship like mine had or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. But co-dependency is a two way street as I have learned first hand. So that space between liking our partners issues, and them liking ours is likely the issue.

While I Celebrate your life changing decisions to improve yourself, clearly your husband's issues are being rocked. It doesn't make logical sense for any loving spouse to want their partner to be less than ideal or healthy. But I also see it as a red flag in the bigger context of your relationship, and at some level you play a part in that issue. (Counselor can help you discover that.)

The immediate danger and temptation is if you perceive this only to be a broken husband issue, then you are likely not going to identify your own potential "brokenness" that has nothing to do with your weight, or even him. Than if unaddressed, even if you leave your husband, that unresolved issue will likely attract the same type of person in your next relationship.

I am not saying you should stay or leave, I am merely saying, there are many issues here and your weight and appearance is likely the smallest of them but making the most noise.

I hope you both find peace, and are able to use this difficult circumstance for your collective good and grow closer together.
I admire your strength for making change even though your path is different than what you originally expected. The old saying, proves it truth again... "the issues come out, as the weight comes off" even and especially with our relationships.

I still have many issues myself I am battling with my weight and life in general. So I don't mean to come off better than anyone else, or pretend I am fixed. I am not.
I don't know you, I am making a lot of assumptions with my comments, if they are off base, I am sorry and please disregard.
I am just trying to share the wisdom I paid a high price to learn, so others can benefit.

There are many issues in our relationship, you are correct. I never ever try to play victim and accept all responsibility for my part in how our marriage has gone down. I was broken when he met me due to my family situation and I was so desperate to be loved so I accepted a lot of crap that I shouldn't have and that hurt and despair from my mom just transferred later to being from my husband and I never sought help to deal with the first bad situation. So maybe it is my fault. But I am strong enough to acknowledge my weakness and brave enough to know when my season has passed. I feel that is has passed with him and the weight coming off was just a way of me shedding some of the past and when that happened, I started to feel empowered and wanted what I have longed for for such a long time. I know what I deserve and that's love and happiness and peace. My husband has issues of abandonment with his mother and father because he was partially raised by his grandmother for a big portion of his childhood while his mom n dad traveled country in military and he holds resentment towards his parents for that. So, in a strange way , he was broken as well. He didn't get that motherly love and I think that affected him majorly as well with how to love a woman. I just know we probably could have both used counseling. But we were young. It just got out of hand and became a very bad situation for myself.

I am broken, but I'm not shattered.

[BigUtahMan 207]

2 minutes ago, Dknal2 said:

There are many issues in our relationship, you are correct. I never ever try to play victim and accept all responsibility for my part in how our marriage has gone down. I was broken when he met me due to my family situation and I was so desperate to be loved so I accepted a lot of crap that I shouldn't have and that hurt and despair from my mom just transferred later to being from my husband and I never sought help to deal with the first bad situation. So maybe it is my fault. But I am strong enough to acknowledge my weakness and brave enough to know when my season has passed. I feel that is has passed with him and the weight coming off was just a way of me shedding some of the past and when that happened, I started to feel empowered and wanted what I have longed for for such a long time. I know what I deserve and that's love and happiness and peace. My husband has issues of abandonment with his mother and father because he was partially raised by his grandmother for a big portion of his childhood while his mom n dad traveled country in military and he holds resentment towards his parents for that. So, in a strange way , he was broken as well. He didn't get that motherly love and I think that affected him majorly as well with how to love a woman. I just know we probably could have both used counseling. But we were young. It just got out of hand and became a very bad situation for myself.

I am broken, but I'm not shattered.

I agree you are strong, and I believe you are a becoming stronger as well. (I like your quote and I like to believe it describes me as well, "I am broken but strong".) I probably didn't take the time to write all my thoughts, so forgive me for not communicating more admiration for you than I did, that was my mistake. I admire your courage to face your issues and make changes. It is unfortunate when the people closest to us become obstacles to our success instead of resources.

[Dknal2 1,066]

26 minutes ago, mtatanna said:

First off I have to say u look damn good . And your husband isn't really doing his job because this surgery no matter how long u did u need that support from ever that u hold dear to u .U don't need negativity around because it sometimes get to u he is suppose to be up lifting u not makin u feel bad u know but u did this for u to make u happy and more health .

I agree... thank you so much for encouragement.

[Dknal2 1,066]

15 minutes ago, BigUtahMan said:

I agree you are strong, and I believe you are a becoming stronger as well. (I like your quote and I like to believe it describes me as well, "I am broken but strong".) I probably didn't take the time to write all my thoughts, so forgive me for not communicating more admiration for you than I did, that was my mistake. I admire your courage to face your issues and make changes. It is unfortunate when the people closest to us become obstacles to our success instead of resources.

Thank you and I respect your comments. You were not out of line , I appreciate you commenting.

[mtatanna 21]

I agree... thank you so much for encouragement.

No problem because I know exactly how u feel cause someone that I consider like a boyfriend was very negative the day I was having surgery and I had to cut him off because you can't tell me you love me but don't support me you know .

[lornasaurusleeve 91]

There are many issues in our relationship, you are correct. I never ever try to play victim and accept all responsibility for my part in how our marriage has gone down. I was broken when he met me due to my family situation and I was so desperate to be loved so I accepted a lot of crap that I shouldn't have and that hurt and despair from my mom just transferred later to being from my husband and I never sought help to deal with the first bad situation. So maybe it is my fault. But I am strong enough to acknowledge my weakness and brave enough to know when my season has passed. I feel that is has passed with him and the weight coming off was just a way of me shedding some of the past and when that happened, I started to feel empowered and wanted what I have longed for for such a long time. I know what I deserve and that's love and happiness and peace. My husband has issues of abandonment with his mother and father because he was partially raised by his grandmother for a big portion of his childhood while his mom n dad traveled country in military and he holds resentment towards his parents for that. So, in a strange way , he was broken as well. He didn't get that motherly love and I think that affected him majorly as well with how to love a woman. I just know we probably could have both used counseling. But we were young. It just got out of hand and became a very bad situation for myself.
I am broken, but I'm not shattered.

It is NOT your fault.

[Erma Antwine 3]

Girl keep on doing you. Men can be so catty for a lack of a better word. You look great. I wish I was there as far as weight. I'm sure if you had enough time you could point out all his flaws, but you love him regardless the way he is. They really become afraid that someone could possibly be interested in you too.

[Dknal2 1,066]

7 hours ago, lornasaurusleeve said:

It is NOT your fault.

I do accept some responsibility in this because a lot of stuff I accepted , I shouldn't have and that's y its gotten to this point as of now. I never try to play victim at all just share my experiences. But I do know I don't deserve to be treated how he is treating me . As I said before I'm broken but not shattered. I will be ok. Thanks Lorna 😊

[Dknal2 1,066]

6 hours ago, Erma Antwine said:

Girl keep on doing you. Men can be so catty for a lack of a better word. You look great. I wish I was there as far as weight. I'm sure if you had enough time you could point out all his flaws, but you love him regardless the way he is. They really become afraid that someone could possibly be interested in you too.

God forbid another man would find me attractive, lol 😂. I know a big part of this is insecurity but a bigger part is control. I'm tiered of both so I'm gonna continue to get smaller and reach my goal. Regardless of how unattractive or how much of my butt may go. It feels so good to be able to wear a size 10 and have the waist to be loose. I have come to far , physically and mentally, to turn back now. Thank you so much for the support.

[KaylaWls1216 65]

Just checking how everything going?

[Redmaxx 740]

"I am broken, but strong." I love that. I hope that things are going better for you.

[Dknal2 1,066]

4 hours ago, KaylaWls1216 said:

Just checking how everything going?

I'm doing well... thanks for checking on me. Just figuring out my map and taking everything as it comes. But I'm ok 🙂

[AngAng 5]

You look amazing. Your Husband should be proud of his determined and healthy wife. I have a friend that had marriage issues after she lost a lot of weight. Her Hubby got jealous and insecure. It took a while for him to realize she still loved him and only him. Men are wired differently. He is taking out his insecurities on you. Not fair. Sorry.

But.. you go girl. You look amazing!

[Dknal2 1,066]

3 hours ago, Redmaxx said:

"I am broken, but strong." I love that. I hope that things are going better for you.

Thank you so much... things are okay for me. Staying strong and trying to focus on my weight loss and exercising.

[Dknal2 1,066]

2 hours ago, AngAng said:

You look amazing. Your Husband should be proud of his determined and healthy wife. I have a friend that had marriage issues after she lost a lot of weight. Her Hubby got jealous and insecure. It took a while for him to realize she still loved him and only him. Men are wired differently. He is taking out his insecurities on you. Not fair. Sorry.

But.. you go girl. You look amazing!

Thank you so much.