Hi everyone,

I'm new here -- this is my first post. I have a surgery consult scheduled in May, but I'm realizing that a huge barrier for me is that the thought of being thin terrifies me.

I'm a single mom of a toddler and for his sake more than anything else, I want to be healthy, fit and active. I'm also more miserable in my body than ever since giving birth. Aches, pains, shortness of breath, all of it.

That said, when I think about losing weight and becoming a thin person, it's almost inconceivable. Because of childhood trauma I'm terrified of unwanted male attention. There are other issues related to my mother (very thin, obsessed with my weight from the time I was a toddler, would never want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me thin), but she's not in my life anymore. But the big thing is fearing the positive attention that comes with losing weight, and also of losing my 'fat girl' identity. I don't think I'd know what to do if I could no longer use being fat as an excuse for not liking myself. Then maybe I'd have to accept that there are deeper reasons not to like myself. Maybe that doesn't make sense; I don't even really understand what I'm thinking.

Can anyone relate?

How can I overcome this fear so that I deep down *want* on every level to lose weight? Because otherwise I'll just keep sabotaging myself.

Thanks in advance.

I completely understand. I am just starting the WLS process, and I am ready, but I am so scared of losing who I am along with the weight, or not liking what's left. Will I still be funny, and well-liked, and interesting? Will everyone only see a nice body, and not the interesting, fun person I am inside? Am I even that person? I am with you. I hope to get into therapy soon.

On 3/3/2017 at 8:01 PM, hillarycatlin said:

...There are other issues related to my mother (very thin, obsessed with my weight from the time I was a toddler, would never want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me thin), but she's not in my life anymore. But the big thing is fearing the positive attention that comes with losing weight, and also of losing my 'fat girl' identity. I don't think I'd know what to do if I could no longer use being fat as an excuse for not liking myself. Then maybe I'd have to accept that there are deeper reasons not to like myself. Maybe that doesn't make sense; I don't even really understand what I'm thinking...

I totally had the same issue with my mom... good riddens to that b-word! We always hear ... just get rid of the toxic people in your life but its very hard when you're related! The moment I stop caring about what that woman said my life became so much easier.

Not liking yourself is a whole different issue and it is a good thing that you don't use excuses for not figuring out the real problem. You must realize its not your fault for thinking this way. Its probably your coping mechanism to justify why your mother was so evil. As a child before you "understand", your parents are gods! They can do no wrong and the only thing you want is their love. And when you don't get it you start building up walls .. making excuses for why they don't love you the way you need to be loved. As a child you have the compulsion to place blame, and in your case it sounds like the only person you could blame is yourself. I have no idea why your mom treated you the way she did, she obviously has her own issues but as a child you don't understand all that grown-up stuff.

"..using fat as an excuse for not liking myself." This really struck a nerve with me. Thanks .. back to therapy! lol .. but seriously, lose the weight, stop using that as an excuse. For the last 15 years I now realize one of the problems was that I secretly hated myself. I used to tell my wife that I was prejudice against fat people. Even at 413 lbs I didn't consider myself one of those people, but really I might have been talking about myself.. actually I am almost certain I was. My mind is kinda spinning now but I really want to say to you is lose the weight, you dont need an excuse for hating yourself. WLS is a positive trip towards happier days.