Spouse unable to deal with changes

[Valentina 2,642]

I don't even know where to begin. My husband is not being supportive. He is grieving the loss of my stomach. He feels like our life as we knew it has ended. Apparently, we ate out a lot and drank a lot, so now he feels we have NOTHING to do. We sit and watch TV thats basically it. Every time I suggest something he shoots it down. Its making me crazy. We have been fighting non-stop all week and I see no end to his issues. I dont know if he is jealous, fearful or is just being selfish.

1) He is upset that I dont cook. I made spaghetti and BBQ chicken this week which I ate none of. There were plenty of leftovers.

2) I have been out to dinner with him 3 times since surgery and I watched him eat <BORING>

3) Last summer we did concert in the park and brought a picnic and wine. This time I packed the picnic minus the wine and he just sat there and stared off into space and played on his phone the entire concert. I felt so lonely.

4) He wants to go to Vegas next week and I hate to be a downer but realistically that means buffets, drinking & wasting money. We used to frequent Vegas a lot so now I am wondering. Did our life change too much?

So basically what I am asking. What do couples do if they are not going out to dinner or drinking?

Do me a favor???

Please reread your above post. In fact, please read it several times. Please

Now:

Wow! Your life together as you both have grown to know it has changed---really changed, hasn't it? The changes are a great deal--for the both of you.

You commented in a further post that you are really "not being controlling". Aren't you, my friend, just a wee bit? I realize that you just had WLS and know what you have to do to be successful. Try to keep in mind that hubby did not have the surgery (because maybe YOU didn't think it was best for him), and maybe he is not ready to have you make all the changes in your lives that you are.

Talk to him! Talk and talk and talk and when all is said and done--talk some more.

HOWEVER, when HE is talking you need to LISTEN---not just be preparing your next come back. Look at him and LISTEN, then take a deep breath before you answer.

I apologize if I have offended you in any way, but what I have said comes straight from my heart. I took peoples' advice to "just go ahead --he'll come around". He didn't. He committed suicide while I was having my WLS. I wish to God that someone had told me to take the time to talk and LISTEN.

Right now, you're so involved with your WLS journey (rightfully so) that hubby is floundering about "what happened to our "together" life". IMO

Maybe a therapist to help you BOTH communicate open and honestly would be a great gift to give to your marriage. Separately and together.

Please, take the time. Your life together may very well depend upon it.

Just a suggestion. I hope you can receive my words in the same spirit in which they are given--with compassion, empathy and true concern.

I wish you the very best, my friend.

[#9grammy 274]

It's just me and the husband also, he's never stopped me from doing this. It was my choice, but I did want him in with me.

Almost 2 years out and we go to dinner a lot during some weeks, I counted that I made dinner twice in one week. There was so much leftovers in fridge that I made it all in 2 days for the both of us. Days we stay home like tonight, I might pull out chicken breast or hamburgers. He will grill but I have to come out to make sure it's done. Sometimes I will have 3 breast on so dinner is made for the next day. He puts BBQ Sauce on his and mine no sauce sometimes I just put a little on my plate to dip sparingly so I feel I'm not left out. Last night I was on my lap pad till almost 5pm! Yep sometimes we get carried away and sometimes not. So he said lets go get Mexican ok I said. I had refried Beans and a steak Quesadilla with tomatoe and lettuce, wrong thing to order for me. Did not like the steak at all but ate few bites and didn't take any home. So here I sit with 3/4 still on my plate or more, told my husband I couldn't eat anymore he just looked at me and finished his plate. 9 times outta 10 times I take home a doggie bag as we call it cuz our 2 babies love it when we come home smelling of food! Usually it's just a bite or two to them and in fridge it goes.

And I'm sorry but I can't eat a meal without a sip of water! Yep big no no I know. I take so many meds my mouth is consistently dry, Down to the teeth, so it's very hard for food to go down when I eat certain things.

I do hope everyone out there is doing their best keeping the men/women in your life happy. Take home your leftovers and have some for lunch while they are at work or you take some to work if that's what you do. My husband is 63 and retired from ARMY and UPS, so he doesn't work any more. I am disabled due to COPD and Bipolar/Anxiety. We're together most times 24/7, love him being home with me. He's napping on the couch next to me and I'm on my iPad reading a lot of questions and answers.

You don't realize how this site has gotten me back where I started from.

Guess I got a little carried away there on this reply.

Valentina, I'm so sorry for your loss. The reply you gave was so moving to me thank you.

[sc101071 398]

I know it's difficult for me sometimes to be good when my wife decides to diet. When she became pregnant it was difficult to cut back my alcohol and sucked that we couldn't both belly up at a bar like we used to. I still very much loved my wife. Maybe you focus more on your own intake and let him focus on his own. Sounds like he was supportive since he was there with you to get the surg and was considering it himself. Maybe you find you have a hubby 40 lbs overweight that still very much loves you. I'd go to Vegas. You battle the temptation, you got the tool. I would be a little more generous when he slips. He doesn't have the tool.

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[#9grammy 274]

I know it's difficult for me sometimes to be good when my wife decides to diet. When she became pregnant it was difficult to cut back my alcohol and sucked that we couldn't both belly up at a bar like we used to. I still very much loved my wife. Maybe you focus more on your own intake and let him focus on his own. Sounds like he was supportive since he was there with you to get the surg and was considering it himself. Maybe you find you have a hubby 40 lbs overweight that still very much loves you. I'd go to Vegas. You battle the temptation, you got the tool. I would be a little more generous when he slips. He doesn't have the tool.

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Oh my that was such good advice coming from the mans point!

[Chrystee 838]

Yea, we go out to eat frequently also. I make my own choices. I can find healthy foods.

[fit2bme 36]

I believe yoi

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[venomousflowers 56]

Your husband sort of sounds like he misses the fun that came with eating with you and now that you had your surgery and don't eat or drink like you used too,he probably doesn't see the fun in just going on date nights that don't revolve around food.

He also seems fearful that you're changing and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Have you tried talking to him about this?

[Dr-Patient 831]

You're still very early in this post-op journey, so maybe this isn't the best time for you to have your usual eating spots be your main attraction for your trips. But you can still go to Vegas, go to a concert with him, etc. Take the trip and enjoy the togetherness! Find some new activities other than just "going out to eat."

Remember...over time, you will/can eat...you just can't eat as much.

While he's eating, perhaps don't look at him as if you're 'bored' with him/his activity. Still be engaged with your honey.

Because I love to cook, and to see people devour my [what I cook*], I was initially worried that I wouldn't be able to cook anymore. But two weeks post-op, Dec. 2013, I cooked a bunch of food for others [near Christmas time], ate none of it, and it was fine. Your life and pleasurable activites don't all have to end.

Maybe as he sees your weight loss, he'll be happy for you. Having wls shouldn't diminish your life, but enhance and broaden it and your experiences. And it all gets better with the passage of time. Again, you are very early in this.

PS: [Note to Alex]...*I had another word in here, but it made a hyperlink to the BP [grocery] store here. I don't want that.

Also, OP..make sure you're having sex with him. Satisfy him in other ways and let him know you're still 'hungry' for him and your relationship.

Edited July 24, 2016 by Dr-Patient

[daniotra 298]

You're still healing right now. You'll be able to do a lot more things with him in the coming months as your body heals. You'll be able to go out to restaurants with him and be satisfied with a few bites of awesomeness and good conversation.

What was the fun part of drinking? Was it the alcohol? Or the company? Assuming it was the company, join in and have a non-alcoholic drink with him.

For cooking, my husband isn't a big fan of leftovers either. If I re-tool the leftovers into something different, then he's fine. Leftover BBQ chicken becomes a salad or enchiladas. Leftover spaghetti reheated in a casserole dish in the oven with some cheese is magically a new dish.

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[LipstickLady 25,682]

I don't even know where to begin. My husband is not being supportive. He is grieving the loss of my stomach. He feels like our life as we knew it has ended. Apparently, we ate out a lot and drank a lot, so now he feels we have NOTHING to do. We sit and watch TV thats basically it. Every time I suggest something he shoots it down. Its making me crazy. We have been fighting non-stop all week and I see no end to his issues. I dont know if he is jealous, fearful or is just being selfish.

1) He is upset that I dont cook. I made spaghetti and BBQ chicken this week which I ate none of. There were plenty of leftovers.

2) I have been out to dinner with him 3 times since surgery and I watched him eat <BORING>

3) Last summer we did concert in the park and brought a picnic and wine. This time I packed the picnic minus the wine and he just sat there and stared off into space and played on his phone the entire concert. I felt so lonely.

4) He wants to go to Vegas next week and I hate to be a downer but realistically that means buffets, drinking & wasting money. We used to frequent Vegas a lot so now I am wondering. Did our life change too much?

So basically what I am asking. What do couples do if they are not going out to dinner or drinking?

We go out and eat and drink, I just eat and drink a LOT less. I usually order an app or a side. Sometimes, I just eat a little off his plate. No big deal.

I still cook like normal, I just cook a lot less.

We still go to our normal places, we just spend less. We never did buffets before, so that's not a change.

My husband didn't have surgery, I did. There is no need for US to change, I changed. And for the better. There is a LOT more that I can do now that I couldn't do before (including in the bedroom.)

[Alex Brecher 10,516]

@@hbrhonda,

A big change like WLS can definitely put a strain on a relationship! Along with some of the other great ideas you’ve gotten for non-eating-focused activities to do together, I wonder if you might be able to cook together, for him and/or for you, and if you two might want to take walks together.

It’s hard to tell from just your initial post, but I would also make sure to think about things from his point of view. He feels like he’s lost a partner in what seem to be his favorite activites. Would it be possible to compromise a little more?

For example, do you think it would have made him happier if you had included wine for him with the picnic you packed for the concert in the park? Do you think there’s a way you can go out to dinner and not find it “boring” or even at least hide that you think it’s “boring?” Maybe you two could go out sometimes and he could still enjoy what he used to – the good food and your great company – and you could enjoy his great company while at least pretending to enjoy the few bites you order.

I think it will involve compromise on both parts. It can be really tough on you, since doing the things the two of you used to love (and that he still wants to do) can make you need to work harder to stick to your WLS plan. For example, going to Vegas and hitting the buffets challenges your self-control, but in exchange, you get to have fun with your husband and make him happy.

Good luck giving your relationship and your WLS your best effort! It’s a tough balancing act.

[MissB1982 75]

It sounds like there may be deeper issues than just you having had weight loss surgery. I pray you two can work everything out.

[cookarue 233]

It felt really weird after I had surgery for a while too. We used to go out to eat a couple times a week, but after we went out after my surgery it was like... Well that's a waste of time and money. Fast forward 6 months, and we still go out to eat, I just order small things, or share with him off my plate, and it's no big deal. More for him! That being said, we also started to do other, new things, together. We go hiking, go to festivals, fairs, camping, swimming, and other things I wouldn't have wanted to do with 75 more pounds on me in the middle of summer. It's a change, yes, but it's made our relationship even better because we're doing new and exciting things together.

I hope that you'll find things that you will both enjoy together even if you're not enjoying them for the same reason.

For example: we went to a street fair recently. I loved all the little craft tents and he enjoyed the chili cook off and ribs. We both enjoyed the music and the people watching. Win, win.

[PrinceVanHalen 97]

My wife and I still go out to eat. There are many places that have many heathy Protein options.

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[Anna Nim 196]

Even though he is tired from a hard job, a short 20 minute walk after dinner will help his digestion and get you both off of the sofa. Just a short walk.

Other things to do than TV? At least on the weekends, like plays, museums, anything..basically, everything everyone has said.