Telling my daughter...

[debd80 41]

I was sleeved on May 23, 2016 and have lost 45 pounds. My oldest is about to turn 13 and she's definitely noticed my weight loss. She's a chubby girl and she's getting to the age where she's beginning to care more about her weight.

We obviously didn't have the best eating habits prior to my surgery, but I think her issue is more activity level - she needs to get up and move more! But she didn't have very good examples of being active while she was growing up

So, my question is this: I haven't told her I had WLS. I didn't want her to be of the mindset that she can just have surgery later in life. I want her to make better choices and habits than I did. How should I tell her? Or should I tell her at all? I want to be open with her, but I do feel like it's a touchy subject.

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[James Marusek 5,244]

If it was me, I would tell her. Perhaps she would join you in exercising. And your eating habits changed perhaps she would like to be part of that too. I would even take her along to some Bariatric Surgery Support Group meetings.

[Christinamo7 4,041]

1. you have a lot more time to be a good example both of food and exercise. 13 is not even close to being raised up.

2. I told all my kids. (4 boys, 3 girls ages 28 down to 16) some approved, some didn't and a couple of them didn't really care. none of my kids have a weight problem, and I know that may complicate the issues - when you tell her I would just tell her you had this done to combat your own obesity so you can be more active in her life. if she has questions answer them honestly.

hopefully just by your family making better choices this is a problem that will resolve it's self for her without any long term effects. She's just coming into puberty, so her body has a lot of crazy changes in the next few years.

[KristenLe 5,979]

@@debd80 I would tell her. It's a great time to discuss healthy eating and exercise and explain how you wish you changed your habits before they got bad enough to need surgery. Find great activities to do together. Make fun and healthy recipes! Turn your experience into a lesson. Honesty is always the way to go - especially with a 13 year old. She's old enough and smart enough to know something is going on! Good luck and Congrats on your weight loss!

Make it about her helping you and not that she needs to do anything herself!

Edited July 15, 2016 by KristenLe

[Scottyd1264 73]

I did tell my Son who is also over weight, he he thinks WLS is the easy way out, so he makes no effort to lose the weight because if thinks he can just get WLS.

[debd80 41]

I did tell my Son who is also over weight, he he thinks WLS is the easy way out, so he makes no effort to lose the weight because if thinks he can just get WLS.

That's exactly what I don't want to happen. WLS is NOT the easy way out.

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[Scottyd1264 73]

I agree with you its not an easy way out, but from others point of view (our kids) thats how they may view it...

[chycky 671]

I would not tell her personally. I am not yet sure if I will tell my 17 year old stepdaughter. I arranged surgery on the rare time she was away and I worry that it can make her more self conscious and less interested in making good choices.

If she were 13, no way. She didn't and doesn't have issues with activity and her weight is fine, she is very athletic so not a waif. At times, I know she thinks she is "heavy" which she is not. We will see how things go and if this changes.

Where you are is a great place to make your changes in diet and exercise a good role model for her. Obviously not in portion size but choices. I would take advantage of that.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

What do you mean "just have surgery"? Like it's some easy quick thing

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Personally, I would be honest about not only the surgery but the struggles that lead to the decision as well as the struggles after.

My nephew is 14 and lives out of state. I have been open with everyone about my surgery but am not quite sure how much any of the nieces or nephews understand. We stopped for a drive-thru lunch today in the way to a movie and I got a grilled chicken salad and ate the toppings off, leaving most of the lettuce. I mentioned my surgery and then asked if he even knew what kind of surgery I had. He didn't know so I gave him a quick description of the sleeve. In saying that, I don't think you have to share everything but see what she is curious about and wants to know.

[Diana_in_Philly 1,426]

I have daughters age 16 and 13. Both are a bit overweight, but not obese on the BMI charts. Both could eat better and be more active. I have not yet had surgery, but I told them after my first consultation with the surgeon. They have watched me struggle with my weight and know that this is not the easy way out. It was harder for me to do it than for them to hear it.

However, since you have already had surgery, I think the bigger issue you face is dealing with what you told her when you went to have surgery and were in the hospital overnight. If she is anything like my 13 year old she will be far more angry that you were not truthful with her about why you went in the hospital than whatever reason you give her now. I would be prepared to deal with betrayal and arguments over "why do I have to be honest with you when you are not honest with me."

That being said, give her credit. It will be fine.

[melbell2222 244]

Oh Lordy I tell my daughter, and we watched skin tight along with 600 pound life. I tell her if you don't eat right or exercise this could be you. So I have to make her go outside but once she's out she runs and everything. So get her outside playing or to a track walk/run together make new and active memories. Plus I think gyms will allow 13 year olds to workout with you at planet fitness they do.

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Edited July 16, 2016 by melbell2222

[lifeofblair 308]

I was 14/15 when my mom started the process. She was a single mom, so I went with her to all the appointments and meetings. I learned a lot, but also was a hard headed teenager so I didn't listen. But, here I am a year after surgery.

My mom was always open with everything she did.

[waterwoman 172]

I believe that trust is the result of openess and honesty. The bigger issue here is not weight but trust. Your daughter deserves the respect of an honest explanation as to why you are losing weight and the history behind your choices.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@debd80

I believe she should be told. She's not stupid; she'll figure out soon enough that something is going on. If you keep quiet, she's likely to find out anyway and may feel that your relationship is not as close and trusting as she's thought or that she's an outsider.

When you talk with her, focus not on the surgery itself, but on the healthy habits you've been developing -- good food choices and amounts, exercise and what-all else. It's too easy at her age to fret about appearance. It would be sad if her confidence in her looks and body go south. If you do and eat healthy things together... Good health and habits make for prettiness and self-esteem.

Keeping secrets in this regard is what makes for "touchy: subjects.