Today as I was deleting files from my computer I came across so many of my journal entries that I make year after year.

Promising myself that this will be the year...wanting to change only to fail once again. It makes me sad that these years have passed me by. I hope once and for all I can change, fulfill the promise I made and that my surgery will be a success. This was my last journal entry made in December of this year. Has anyone else had these feelings?

December 15, 2015

Dear Sarah

Only you can make the change. You have been so unhappy with yourself year after year only to be stuck in a cycle that never gets you to where you want to be. How long are you going to continue down this path? You binge eat to fill a void, you hide away because you are embarrassed and insecure. You have stopped seeing people and lost friendships. You could be so much happier and have a more fulfilling life. You have the power to make the choice to look and feel healthier. You and only you have the power!

I am writing a promise to myself this Tuesday December 15^th to lose this weight and get in shape once and for all. I promise myself I will make this my number one priority in my life this day forward. I am not going to talk about what I am going to do. I am just going to do it, doing it for myself.

I will look my best at Allie and Grant’s Graduation. I will wear a beautiful dress to Molly and Michael's wedding. I love myself. I am a good person.

I release the negative feelings. I forgive and I move forward. I allow myself to experience my feelings, and release all those which are negative. ...

Sincerely-Your future self Sarah

I'm sorry it's been a continual struggle for you, but you are definitely not alone! Something that's helped me immensely with the emotional eating part of it, "eating to fill a void" as you say, are the writings of Geneen Roth. If you haven't read them, I can't recommend them highly enough. I started with "When food is Love" and worked through "Women, Food, and God" (God in a "universal" sense, not a religious sense). I'm actually re-reading them now because I've been struggling a bit. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself already. If you haven't read this, maybe they will help you in your journey. Are you pre-op or post-op? I would have LOVED to have read these books post op, but didn't find them until about 1 year after surgery. Good luck to you!