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Interesting experience



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I am almost 2 years post VSG and after a lot of advice decided to try dating again. I was talking with someone I met on an online site and things seemed to be going well so we decided to meet for coffee. It was . . . Interesting. First he was a bit late because he "fell asleep" and woke up late so he had to rush to get there. Second, and this was the interesting part to me, he was chunkier than he appeared in his photo. I found myself being a little judgmental about that. Then I had to reign myself in thinking "who are you to judge someone by weight or appearance?" I get that attraction, or what makes someone attractive is a very subjective thing, but I was mad at myself for judging this person based solely on appearance (I won't lie, the fact that he was late also plays into it). I don't think it will matter in this case since he apparently didn't find me appealing either (he hasn't contacted me). In my mind I keep saying "hey buddy, what's wrong? Isn't size 2 with a good personality good enough for you??" But I still found my immediate reaction to him interesting. I never thought I would be so judgy!

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We all have a type, first thing I was thinking was he should have an accurate online pic just to be honest. Well and also be on time.

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I don't think you should feel bad. Physical appearance plays a huge role in attraction and you are either attracted or you're not. You went based off how his pic looked and he didn't appear the way you expected him to, regardless of the reason why he looked different (weight, acne, bad hair, dirty nails - my pet peeve, etc). You shouldn't feel bad about being honest about your attraction to someone.

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At least you got back out there, and there are some good ones, I am told. I find myself judging too sometimes, at least thinking why don't they do something about their weight. Look at me I did not do anything for 30 years, so you are right, I tell myself who am I to judge, but I think it is human nature.

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I'd say that "falling below expectations" (which he set by using a photograph that doesn't match his current appearance) was probably a big factor in your response to him.

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YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE JUDGEMENTAL! AFTER THE JOURNEY WE HAVE TAKEN, ALL WE HAVE ACCOMPLISHED, AND BEEN JUDGED FOR YEARS OURSELVES ITS A NORMAL THING! HIM BEING IS FOOLISH! HIM NOT HAVING A CURRENT PICTURE TELLS ME HE WAS HIDING HIS INSECURITY ALL ALONG! ITS GOOD HE HASNT CONTACTED YOU! HE DOESNT DESERVE YOU! JUST MY OPINION!

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Awhile ago I went on a few dates with a guy who looked 10 years older and 50# heavier than his photo. I decided (not sure why ) to let it slide. What I noticed was I had a hard time believing him, so I suspect you are more judgmental of the deception than of his weight.

If someone is running late and they contact me, I'd wait for a bit. If they are seriously late either they have a great reason. And a reschedule or...bye. shockingly I haven't had that happen yet ...but I try to show respect toward his time and I think he should show me the same.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using the BariatricPal App

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I'm thinking that him not being upfront about his physical appearance is the root of your disatisfaction with him. He probably considers his weight gain as being unattractive and a fault for women, so he's trying to get women to meet him in person and get to know him before crossing him off simply because of his weight.

Honestly speaking, isn't that the mentation that we have all lived with for way too long?

He just hasn't owned up to his weight gain--yet and you not only have acknowledged your weight, but are dealing with it.

I think that is the reason, why you got those "negative vibes" at first appearance. It's not that he was overweight. It was because he failed to take responsibility for it and didn't think anyone could possibly be attracted to him with the extra weight. He "sold you short" before ever even meeting you.

You've been there--Done that. We all have.

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I don't think you are being judgmental at all.

  1. It was a coffee date
  2. He was late
  3. He was pudgey

Kind of adds up to "sorry, no chemistry, NEXT"

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It's an interesting phenomenon. In the past, whenever I've lost a significant amount of weight, I've felt judgmental and even superior about other's weight problems. Why can't they get that under control like I did? And then, of course, my weight would come back on and my holier than thou attitude would have to stop. Now that my weight is down as a result of weight loss surgery (and a lot of hard work), I still notice other people's weight; but this time I'm less judgmental. Maybe I'm older, wiser, and a little more mature. Or maybe I realize that without the surgery, I'd probably be just like them. So what I feel now is... empathy. Sometimes I want to share my WLS experience with them, but unless they're already a friend, I don't dare bring it up because that would be presumptuous. But when my severely overweight friends tell me how great I look now, and how they wish they could lose weight too, it's a perfect opening. Then I offer to take them to lunch or dinner and share the good, the bad, and the ugly about bariatric surgery – but no pressure! Four people have taken me up on it, and two have gone through with the surgery. And I'm so proud of how well they're doing. I guess my point is that when we have success with this process, we are in a fantastic position to help others. And that sure beats feeling superior and/or judgmental!

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