Did anyone's spouse lose attractiveness when they got close to goal?

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Wut?

[Chrystee 838]

Wow. Come on y'all put aside your differences or take it some place else. @@Babbs sweetheart You know I love ya. Your better than this. You make great post and are encouraging To everyone. I don't know @lili2333. Actually this is the first post I see. Not a great impression. Just saying

Chrystee came here for a listen ear and to hear from people that are going through what she is. Maybe a little advice from people and too know she is definitely not alone. Not two grown women going at it like high school girls.

I could be taking it the wrong way, but I did find the two posts by Babbs and Ann pretty insensitive.. Like.. maybe my husband doesn't love me because he is attracted to bigger women? I had no idea how to take that. I hope that wasn't the intent..

Edited March 10, 2016 by Chrystee

[Babbs 14,680]

Uh, I was being attacked and called names. I'm not going to stand by and let someone attack me for an honest post I made. So no, I'm not better than that. I stand up for myself and don't allow people's over sensitive reactions keep me from posting what I darn well want to post on a public forum.

Now she'd asked if anyone else's spouse thought they were unattractive after they lost weight. I answered the question honestly. I'm sorry it's not what she and other people wanted to hear.

The pearl clutching, over sensitive reactions of some people is really getting old on this forum. Maybe that's why I'm losing interest and coming back less and less. Or it may be just the natural progression of things, but it may be time to just move on.

[Teachamy 1,042]

Tone doesn't come across in a forum. What Babbs and VSGAnn intended to say was misinterpreted, I think. They feel lucky that this wasn't their experience. A question like this one causes all of us to look back and reevaluate our relationships. For some of us, the pain and rejection was very real. For others of us, we lucked out and it wasn't our experience. I too thought the question was asking if I experienced my husband finding me unattractive now and I answered how my experience was different.

It was a good and important question, and all of the answers had value.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

I signed on here in 2009....trust in the fact that i have had my share of conflicts on this site.... got into some pretty heated name calling and then i realized we are all different in what we are going through and how we handle things. Me... Im a hot head I know this and own it. Anyone who has been on the phone with me while im driving can attest.

In fact i almost left the site recently because of a couple people... then decided i wasn't going to let them make choices for me.

@@Chrystee we make post and most of the time we get replys that are helpful and some times you sit back and think WTF is this Bi$$h about. But then we have to remember that it's a public forum and people are going to disagree. The reply's that don't pertain... skip skip skip...

I hope that in all this you have had some reply's that has helped you and has giving you comfort in the fact that you are diff not alone in what you are going through.

Keep your head up...

Chris

[Chrystee 838]

Tone doesn't come across in a forum. What Babbs and VSGAnn intended to say was misinterpreted, I think. They feel lucky that this wasn't their experience. A question like this one causes all of us to look back and reevaluate our relationships. For some of us, the pain and rejection was very real. For others of us, we lucked out and it wasn't our experience. I too thought the question was asking if I experienced my husband finding me unattractive now and I answered how my experience was different.

It was a good and important question, and all of the answers had value.

That's what I was hoping!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Yes, context helps.

Sometimes when I post here I have a lot of time to craft what I'm going to say. But other times I just dash off a reaction that is influenced by how my day is going and how much (or little) time I have to think about the OP or the thread.

@@Chrystee -- I certainly wasn't being dismissive of your concerns. Frankly, I don't even remember your concerns right now (without looking back at the OP), nor did I even remember when I saw the turn this thread took in the last page or two that you were the OP on this thread.

So to offer you some context ... yes, my husband really is amazing. He and I have been married for twenty years. I'm luckier than I ever imagined I'd be to wind up with someone like him. I'm sure I just typed my response to you out of the recurring sense of joy I have about our good fortune, which has never left me since I met him 20 years ago.

And here's some more context ... he's husband #2.

You want to know what husband #1 was like? He left me because I got fat. Specifically, explicitly, for that reason. The night he left, while he was kicking the **** out of me (I was curled up in a ball on a closet floor protecting my head with my arms), he was screaming over and over: "You're fat and I don't love you anymore!"

And then I was single for 15 years.

And then my wonderful hubby #2 came into my life.

I'll offer a little more context for those who think my short post to Chrystee meant that I'm an a*****e.

Do you know why I have time to write this long post right now? Because my husband's cancer has returned (he was first diagnosed with cancer two months after my VSG surgery), and today he's at the cancer clinic all day getting another round of chemo. The first round (three weeks ago) almost did him in. I didn't take a shower for 10 days, because I couldn't leave him alone. I probably typed that short response to Chrystee during that time.

And yes, he is the dearest man I've ever known. He is a wonderful husband who has loved me through thick and thin, fat and slim. I am so grateful for him coming into my life I can never say it enough.

I wish everyone had a sweet, loving husband like mine. And, Chrystee, that includes you.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

@@vsg and @@Babbs are literally the worst people on here. Only a certain kind of person responds to a problem with a brag. These two are consistently condescending humblebraggers who respond to people with either snark, "honesty" or condescension. Ignore them, they're clearly bottom dwellers in the real world but feel like Queen Bees here.

Best of luck to you!

You are insufferable and your response offered zero help whatsoever. I've said it before and I stand by it, you are the worst.

@@Babbs

@@lili2333

Awwww what's the matter? Did I hurt your wittle feewings?

I'll try not to lose sleep over the fact that you find me insufferable.

Here's a little tip. There's an ignore feature. You don't like my posts? Use it. [/]

You didn't hurt my feelings. Where did I indicate that you hurt my feelings?

Did you HOPE that you hurt my feelings, or someone else's? Absolutely you did. I cannot fathom why you'd jump into the conversation with your own dumb lucky story with zero help or encouragement if you didn't.

I won't ignore you, I don't sweat you. And I'll gladly play by your rules, wherein we call each other out on BS.

You are not helpful and you are unkind and I don't see any other reason for a veteran to hang out here unless they're getting something weird from it.

@@lili2333

As a hostess of this forum, I would kindly ask that you refer to the guidelines of this forum that ask that you do not personally attack other forum members. Name calling is not at all necessary and goes directly against our rules and regulations.

Thank you.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I've been married for 21 years. If my husband decided that I was no longer attractive to him because I was fatter/thinner/more wrinkled or had gray hair/droopy boobs/saggy bum/stretch marks, I would be more than happy to help him pack.

I love him and we are happy, but if only loves me for my appearance, then there is an underlying issue that belongs to HIM, not to ME. I am worth far more than that and so are you.

[Chrystee 838]

Actually, I had asked if anyone else had went through this.. I don't think I had an oversensitive reaction? But I still am questioning the responses.. does that mean he doesn't love me cause of his the look he is attracted to? I should leave him? I'm just unlucky? I didn't really say much, except that it did kind of shock me, like maybe something is wrong with me.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Actually, I had asked if anyone else had went through this.. I don't think I had an oversensitive reaction? But I still am questioning the responses.. does that mean he doesn't love me cause of his the look he is attracted to? I should leave him? I'm just unlucky? I didn't really say much, except that it did kind of shock me, like maybe something is wrong with me.

If he doesn't love you, that doesn't mean something is wrong with YOU, especially if his problem with you is based solely on your weight or dress size. To me, that speaks VOLUMES about him.

Think about this... What if you were to be in a car accident and lose a limb? Would he be justified in no longer loving you because you were disabled? What if you were in a fire and your face got burned? Is it OK for him to no longer love you after that? What if you developed a thyroid disorder and got really fat? Or cancer and got really thin?

Would you love him no matter what?

You are you for your insides much more than the outside. Yes, initial attraction is based on looks a lot of the time. Love over 10, 15, 20 years should be so much more than that.

Don't battle his demons for him. Value yourself.

[Christinamo7 4,041]

Actually, I had asked if anyone else had went through this.. I don't think I had an oversensitive reaction? But I still am questioning the responses.. does that mean he doesn't love me cause of his the look he is attracted to? I should leave him? I'm just unlucky? I didn't really say much, except that it did kind of shock me, like maybe something is wrong with me.

I do not know how old you are or how long your relationship is - but my husband and I married in our 20s. I remember as we began to get older, and I wondered about attractiveness, things he mentioned, struggling with both of us getting older and I told him, look at some point, if we both are fortunate you will be married to an 80 yr old woman who is still interested in being sexually active - so get over whatever issues you are having. I am a feminine woman in love with a manly man. that ought to be enough. Thankfully he dealt with those issues and we have never had another hiccup no matter what my weight has been, or no matter what our age has been. You deserve this, he does too, and so I hope that he can reconcile any issues he may have.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Christinamo7

[Renkoss 420]

@@Chrystee, I agree with others here who have said it most likely isn't you...with that said, should you end your marriage over this? That is a question that really only you can answer.

Other than the low intimacy contact, and the fact that your husband admits to liking BBW more, how is the rest of your relationship going? Do you still love him? Are you still attracted to him? Are you asking for more sex than was there before the weight loss? Like I've said in past posts here; my husband has a diminishing sex drive. I used to call him a hounddog because he was always hounding me for sex! I do enjoy sex, and I pretty much always gave in to his demands, but I did not really need it as much as he did. Now that we are older, and yes he lost 80 lbs over the last 4 years (he used to be 285 lbs and now goes between 205-210), and unfortunately I've gained belly weight because of insulin use, I wouldn't say the roles are reversed, but I would like a bit more intimacy than what we are currently having. If my husband didn't want to have sex at all anymore, I don't think it has to do with my body. If that is the case, and he swears to me it is not, then perhaps things will change once I finally have my surgery and begin loosing weight. If they stay the same, then I would suggest some self-play toys for you. Trust me, it helps. I truly love my husband, and yes I still find him attractive but in a different way then I did when we were in our 20's. I love my husband's silliness and his smile. I love his huge hugs and childish teasing. I love his love for our children and family, and his love of all animals. Sex is a plus in a marriage, but realistically it is not needed (if that is the case) to remain happy with your mate.

These are questions you need to ask yourself. If you man likes BBW and you are not that anymore, then he will need to come to terms with it. If not, don't feel like you are not attractive. You are beautiful.

[Chrystee 838]

Actually, I had asked if anyone else had went through this.. I don't think I had an oversensitive reaction? But I still am questioning the responses.. does that mean he doesn't love me cause of his the look he is attracted to? I should leave him? I'm just unlucky? I didn't really say much, except that it did kind of shock me, like maybe something is wrong with me.

If he doesn't love you, that doesn't mean something is wrong with YOU, especially if his problem with you is based solely on your weight or dress size. To me, that speaks VOLUMES about him.

Think about this... What if you were to be in a car accident and lose a limb? Would he be justified in no longer loving you because you were disabled? What if you were in a fire and your face got burned? Is it OK for him to no longer love you after that? What if you developed a thyroid disorder and got really fat? Or cancer and got really thin?

Would you love him no matter what?

You are you for your insides much more than the outside. Yes, initial attraction is based on looks a lot of the time. Love over 10, 15, 20 years should be so much more than that.

Don't battle his demons for him. Value yourself.

But I changed myself. He knew that if I got wls I would be successful, which is why I think he was against it so long. But he did say he loved me regardless, that I was his best friend.. now I just think that he is thinking about something else LOL.

Actually, I had asked if anyone else had went through this.. I don't think I had an oversensitive reaction? But I still am questioning the responses.. does that mean he doesn't love me cause of his the look he is attracted to? I should leave him? I'm just unlucky? I didn't really say much, except that it did kind of shock me, like maybe something is wrong with me.

I do not know how old you are or how long your relationship is - but my husband and I married in our 20s. I remember as we began to get older, and I wondered about attractiveness, things he mentioned, struggling with both of us getting older and I told him, look at some point, if we both are fortunate you will be married to an 80 yr old woman who is still interested in being sexually active - so get over whatever issues you are having. I am a feminine woman in love with a manly man. that ought to be enough. Thankfully he dealt with those issues and we have never had another hiccup no matter what my weight has been, or no matter what our age has been. You deserve this, he does too, and so I hope that he can reconcile any issues he may have.

We were married at 19 and 21.. and have been married 16 years, with 2 kiddos.

@@Chrystee, I agree with others here who have said it most likely isn't you...with that said, should you end your marriage over this? That is a question that really only you can answer.

Other than the low intimacy contact, and the fact that your husband admits to liking BBW more, how is the rest of your relationship going? Do you still love him? Are you still attracted to him? Are you asking for more sex than was there before the weight loss? Like I've said in past posts here; my husband has a diminishing sex drive. I used to call him a hounddog because he was always hounding me for sex! I do enjoy sex, and I pretty much always gave in to his demands, but I did not really need it as much as he did. Now that we are older, and yes he lost 80 lbs over the last 4 years (he used to be 285 lbs and now goes between 205-210), and unfortunately I've gained belly weight because of insulin use, I wouldn't say the roles are reversed, but I would like a bit more intimacy than what we are currently having. If my husband didn't want to have sex at all anymore, I don't think it has to do with my body. If that is the case, and he swears to me it is not, then perhaps things will change once I finally have my surgery and begin loosing weight. If they stay the same, then I would suggest some self-play toys for you. Trust me, it helps. I truly love my husband, and yes I still find him attractive but in a different way then I did when we were in our 20's. I love my husband's silliness and his smile. I love his huge hugs and childish teasing. I love his love for our children and family, and his love of all animals. Sex is a plus in a marriage, but realistically it is not needed (if that is the case) to remain happy with your mate.

These are questions you need to ask yourself. If you man likes BBW and you are not that anymore, then he will need to come to terms with it. If not, don't feel like you are not attractive. You are beautiful.

Quite the opposite, I actually FEEL attractive now, and have much more sex drive. He's always had a high sex drive.. he could have sex 5 times a day if I wanted to.. I've always had an extremely low drive, so wls has been good for that..

[LipstickLady 25,682]

But I changed myself. He knew that if I got wls I would be successful, which is why I think he was against it so long. But he did say he loved me regardless, that I was his best friend.. now I just think that he is thinking about something else LOL.

You changed yourself to better yourself health wise. Only you can decide if you want to be healthy or in a marriage with someone who dictates your appearance and ultimately, your longevity.