Real intimacy isn't sex, so how do you get there?

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@VSGAnn2014 - Thank you. I am digging this journey.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

BTW, I'm not only having this discussion with you all, I am actually enjoying the discussion with my girlfriend too. We are coming up with little reminder checklists of things we want to make sure we are doing for one another, and if you have other ideas to add please do, but I liked these two the best...

Today did I make my significant other SMILE and THINK?

Beats just going through the motions. Trying to get really intimate on purpose.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Pirate's got a girlfriend! Pirate's got a girlfriend!

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@VSGAnn2014 - and very happy about it

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Intimacy is not the same as sex. I think it is a process and I suspect the journey varies alot by our own state of mind. I felt great intimacy with someone who I knew there was no long term potential and it took me a long time to figure out why. In spite of his failings and issues, he brought good things out of me, and I felt safe. ( this is the man I saw soon after losing weight). That self discovery helped me understand why I perhaps had not picked a good match for a life partner previously as "safe" is important but not enough. I have grown alot since then and one of the things I recognize is a certain wariness about allowing myself to get too close too quickly because just like some people fall "head over heels" due to physical attraction, I am prone to having that happen when someone is smart, conversant and somehow triggers that SAFE feeling.

I am striving to be much more careful about emotional involvement now because mentally healthy is so important and not always clear at the beginning.

I had a few month relationship with someone a while back who I think is a little wacko.... that was reconfirmed when we talked on the phone several months after our break up....this guy is paranoid and I actually think potentially dangerous...not because of anything he has done, but rather the crazy path his mind is going down.

So I think true intimacy has a alot of complexity and I think it is very possible to feel it even with the "wrong" person. That process of learning how to find healthy intimacy is really an interesting one....and one that plenty of people don't seem to achieve.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Pirate, Where did you meet her? Did you find her online or out in the world?

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@Oregondaisy - online is the real world...it's just more time effective than random chance.

However we met on Match.com. We did a coffee date at Panara bread. And then we became Facebook friends and found out we had hundreds of mutual friends...(why none of those bastards fixed us up is a longer story) but things have very slowly progressed to the point where I have pulled myself out of the dating pool, and am utterly fixated on THE ONE. She is stunning, intelligent (and out of the dating pool guys).

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

@@OutsideMatchInside - in respect to being "really real". Both people have to be. Honesty = Intimacy. I'm not saying you have to tell someone you just met your deepest darkest secrets but in order for the relationship to be real both of the people in it also have to be.

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

@@OKCPirate - how long were you seeing each other before you decided to take each other off the market? Just curious?

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@OKCPirate - how long were you seeing each other before you decided to take each other off the market? Just curious?

We were seeing each other six weeks before I took down my account, though I broke off every dating relationship with everything else off and didn't attempt to reach out to anyone else almost immediately after meeting her. My first reaction was I had met someone very special and I really wanted to focus.

She was a little slower to come to the party. Hold on to your hats...I'm the only person she has dated posted divorce. She joined Match on a whim, she had been trying to prove that every male doing online dating is a liar and only interested in sex but she thought I might be sincere, so we went out for coffee, and we have been growing with infatuation ever since. She canceled her membership 7 weeks after meeting.

We are still growing more and more intimate (in the best sense of the word). I am looking forward to knocking her off her feet this Christmas, and I have a very cool trip for us for New Years. We are both 52, but it is sooooo cool to feel like a teen infatuated again.

[bellabloom 2,467]

I have a lot of trouble opening up to people emotionally and admitting to my struggles and flaws. I like to appear perfect for as long as possible because I don't think someone will accept imperfect me.

That has been coming up a lot since I've started dating again post my divorce and I'm starting to try and open up more. Lots of people go around being perfectly honest about their life challenges and I respect that.

What's difficult is opening up to the wrong person. It's so hard for me to begin with that I get terribly hurt if they aren't receptive or empathetic. I have dated narcissistic men and it isn't something I want to repeat.

I hope whoever I am with next is someone I can share myself with. I don't want to start another relationship walking on eggshells to be perfect. It's exhausting.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

I have a lot of trouble opening up to people emotionally and admitting to my struggles and flaws. I like to appear perfect for as long as possible because I don't think someone will accept imperfect me.

That has been coming up a lot since I've started dating again post my divorce and I'm starting to try and open up more. Lots of people go around being perfectly honest about their life challenges and I respect that.

What's difficult is opening up to the wrong person. It's so hard for me to begin with that I get terribly hurt if they aren't receptive or empathetic. I have dated narcissistic men and it isn't something I want to repeat.

I hope whoever I am with next is someone I can share myself with. I don't want to start another relationship walking on eggshells to be perfect. It's exhausting.

As a recovering narcissist I can tell you how important it is to learn to recognize the signs. I was married to a Borderline Personality Disorder person (http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/what-is-bpd/bpd-overview/) and narcissists are often drawn to them. I've now come to see them very quickly (and run).

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@OutsideMatchInside - in respect to being "really real". Both people have to be. Honesty = Intimacy. I'm not saying you have to tell someone you just met your deepest darkest secrets but in order for the relationship to be real both of the people in it also have to be.

I agree. As time has progressed. I am glad I haven't told about surgery yet. I'm getting bored. I have a feeling will just be endless questions about it and I don't have the temperament to put up with it. I am open about everything else, but I feel like this relationship has an expiration date on it.

[Stevehud 1,790]

ill also say this a lot of people say you cant last if you find people online. My wife and I met on AOL online back in the dial-up days of 1996 , moved in together 6 months later, were married in 1998 and are happier than all get out with each other.

She is my rock and I am hers. it matters not where you meet or how you meet. Love does not require a specific location.

Enjoy Pirate!

[OKCPirate 5,323]

It's still going strong. Fantastic holiday season. I knocked her off her feet during New Years and she wowed all of my work friends this weekend at a conference. This relationship just keeps getting better all the time????