New here, having second thoughts

[pink dahlia 2,513]

Well I guess it's an over simplification but in terms of body image and how I relate to men sex and desirability is a big deal for me. I wasn't always fat. I used to be a fox. And it's been torment for me to not be one anymore, if anyone can understand or relate to that. I'm very confident in my mind and intellect but I have absolutely no self esteem when it comes to body issues. This was a problem even when I was attractive. I stopped having sex 11 years ago, before I gained weight, mostly because I was repeatedly used for sex and got fed up. I think part of my weight gain was a defense mechanism -- I didn't want to be leered at anymore. But once it stopped, I realized I needed that sort of attention and not getting it made me depressed and it spiraled out of control.

i've been in and out of therapy since age 10. No shrink has been able to "fix" me.

Carol Brower, I totally get what you're saying, your opinions and feeling are very valid. Im not a therapist, and we can't "fix" you either, but may we can help you a bit. Yes, im older, happily married, together many years, but it's totally normal to want to be desired by men, to have

them want to talk, flirt, engage, converse, whatever. I like it ! No lie ! And yes, before my weight gain I was slim and attractive too. After marriage and a child, the weight came on, and the men stopped engaging etc. Now im slim again, and think I look better now than before, and yes, the men want to talk, flirt, engage, converse, whatever. Human nature . It's cute, but even if I was single, I would be selective. Why? Because I'm worth it !! So are you !! And a key to a stable relationship is to have a stable relationship with yourself first . The men will follow, because that's human nature. But it's up to you how you want/allow those men to treat you. Totally. Up. To. You. I wish you well.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

@@Carol Brower of course I don't know you but your words remind me of someone I knew many years ago when I was right out of college. She was drop dead gorgeous, talented singer, perfectly dressed and styled, a personality everybody both male and female adored. We became friends at work and as I grew to know her I realised she was also one of the saddest, loneliest,and self loathing person I knew too. She married a georgous guy who I think was gay and using marriage as a cover -who lnows but it was a disaster from the beginning. The reason I brought this up is because I learned alot from knowing her. As the fat lady (I had been slim a few times as a teen and in college) I learned that happiness had so little to do with looks. I am afraid that if you do get WLS you will be even more uncomfortable because you won't even have food for comfort.

I get it about counselors, none of them fixed me either. I saw someone when I got to goal as i was dealing with some emotional issue. I thought alot about things she said and i plan to start again. We talked on the phone and she made the comment that she sees herself as the sounding board/guide as a patient self discovers. She cant fix a damn thing, but she can help guide and give her thoughts toward my own inner life and how my role in the world has changed.

Sometimes women with these complex feelings about sex and body image and self worth have a history of abuse, especially childhood. We learned to use our physical appearance to control how the world relates to us. It protects us at times and makes us feel worthy at times, there are plenty of people here who found that fatsuit a convenient sheild.

You deserve to be happy and at peace with yourself. When you become healthier you will attract a better energy I think. I mean emotionally healthy, higher self worth, specifically

[Carol Brower 1]

But it's up to you how you want/allow those men to treat you. Totally. Up. To. You. I wish you well.

You can't make someone treat you a certain way. All I can do is say no thanks and have nothing while I wait around for a man that doesn't exist.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

But it's up to you how you want/allow those men to treat you. Totally. Up. To. You. I wish you well.

You can't make someone treat you a certain way. All I can do is say no thanks and have nothing while I wait around for a man that doesn't exist.

You're absolutely right, you can't "make someone " treat you a certain way, but it is up to you what kind of men you have in your life. High class or low class men may be all around you, but its your choice to say yes or no to the right or wrong ones. What's that saying ? "You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window to throw them out of !" True ! And how do you know a certain type of higher class man doesnt exist when you've constantly settled for a lower class one ? Like attracts like, so if you present yourself a certain way , you're going to attract a certain type of person, so ask yourself, how do you present yourself to the world ? Again, im not judging, and you're always welcome here. Still.

[gowalking 10,790]

But it's up to you how you want/allow those men to treat you. Totally. Up. To. You. I wish you well.

You can't make someone treat you a certain way. All I can do is say no thanks and have nothing while I wait around for a man that doesn't exist.

I just want to give you a big hug Carol. You are obviously hurting and I'm so sorry you haven't found a therapist who can help you.

That man does exist. Even if you never cross paths, he does exist. Pink Dahlia is right. Like finds like. If you value yourself, you will attract men who value you. I learned that lesson the hard way but at least I learned it. Only when I got to a good place in my life, was I able to bring someone into it who is also in a good place in his life. It took me 15 years to get there. Honestly. I had so much work to do on myself that I stayed away from men for all that time. In retrospect, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I'm with a man now who cares for me and values me, like the bible quote says, 'at a price above rubies'.

You deserve the same.

[MIMISAN 404]

Carol, I have a friend that has many of the same issues you have. She somehow relates sex to love and that if a man isn't panting after her then he doesn't love her enough. So she moves on to someone else that is new and exciting and pants after her, but inevitably the new wears off and she just becomes someone in a relationship and that makes her feel unattractive and unloved! I keep telling her that she has to LOVE herself before she will ever appreciate the love of someone else. It has taken several years but she has made headway and I know you can too.

You don't want a man that will just have sex with you. Most men will do that with any available and willing partner.

You want a man that will be there to hold your hair back if you have to throw up, and love you later.

Edited September 25, 2015 by MIMISAN