So it turns out my wife is gay...

[toasty 371]

@@Smye, I have a close friend who found out after many years of marriage, and two children, that his wife was attracted to both men and women, and who had a friend that she loved as well (although no physical relationship had yet happened). I know how powerfully difficult this was for their whole family, because like your situation they were really close too.

In their case, there were lots of challenges that occurred over time. I won't go into details, since your situation will undoubtedly be different, but I want to wish you the best in your journey. Please remember that although your friendship is very important to you, that it is also important for you to take care of yourself as well, and not deny your own happiness and health (otherwise it will eventually lead to lots of suppressed resentment).

Best Wishes.

[Stevehud 1,790]

Man, i cant say something like i know what youre going through or anything remotely like that because I sure cant. Offering you my support and saying, im listening man. If you need to rant, bark at the moon or howl. just let me know. I , like so many here wish you no more pain, in an obviously painful time.

You are obviously a strong and caring guy for getting to this point.

I wish you the best.

[butterfly23 423]

My process is about ME, hers is about HER, and ours is about US! What could be more lovely? And more painful? It's odd, but I feel I'm big enough to hold both inside me.

Thank you for sharing part of your process and feelings during this huge transition for you and your wife. I am really struck by what you wrote above and only hope I can have the same wisdom and courage you exhibit when faced with such pain.

I imagine your roads will continue to be windy and up and down, yet I hope you both continue to have these moments of clarity and connectedness along the way. The intimacy you both seem to share because of your openness and honesty will hopefully take you far. Thank you again for sharing, I hope it has been healing for you. I am inspired by you (and especially appreciate your candid yet tactful feedback to others on their response posts) and wish the best for you and your wife as you explore this new level of your relationship.

[bellabill 253]

Hi, I have been through this finding out my ex - husband was gay. It's a long story how this unfolded. I found out 3 months after we got married but continued our life and had 2 kids. I did love him and I was very young at the time. As the years went by, I slowly started not to like him on so many levels. I fell out of love and found someone else who I was really attracted to and we have been happily married. It does not change. Let go of this person and just be a good friend to her. Well, I am not friends with my ex so maybe that is not good advice. There were many other things that I did not like about him. Lots of dysfunction in his family so your situation maybe different. When I found out the first time, I felt like I lost something, the trust mostly. It was the hardest time in my life. I could not tell anyone cause I just had gotten married. He reeled me in to cover his tracks to make everything "wonderful" for him. There is so much more to say but I hope you find your way to accept the truth. This is the worst thing anyone has to go through. In time, it will get easier for you. Life does go on.

[Smye 695]

@@butterfly23, thank you. Your support and feedback mean the world to me. Especially your feedback on my feedback and the genuine-ness (not sure of the right word) in your thoughts, they mean the world to me through this.

@@bellabill, thank you for your candid thoughts coupled with a willingness to recognize the differences in our experiences. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain of our experience will ever go away. I am so thankful, having read your story and others like it on the Straight Spouse Network to have the deep history and background with Mrs. Smye that I have - there were never lies, no hidden secrets, just a long delayed process that she was willing to share openly with me. As devastating as it still was/is, I cannot imagine having to play act after disclosure, not to mention having aspects of my partner I didn't like. I still love her and like her as my best friend, and genuinely believe I always will. I feel so lucky as to be struggling at the moment with something akin to 'survivor's guilt' in all of this. I'm not sure if you've read everything I've posted so far, but I recommend you do, it helps build a better picture and writing it all in real time has been therapeutic as hell for me

[Smye 695]

@@Stevehud, thank you man. I've gotta say, when I got the message that "stevehud has replied to your post" I felt shocked that I hadn't already thought to just message you directly. Thank you for your constancy and support, whether it was preop, post op, or this whole business - you are a good friend and I value your insights and kindness to no end.

@@toasty, Thank you! I will and I do. I appreciate all of the outpouring of 'you're not alone.' Especially when I realize I'm currently on cloud 9 and my next moment of grief and shame and utter despair is right around the corner. Thank you.

Oh, and you're right on, my friendship is gold, it's completely priceless, but I do indeed need to be careful not to put it above or before my own wellbeing. Thank you.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Smye

[drmeow 323]

Hugs to you, @@Smye, for being so understanding and loving your wife through all this. You alluded to some childhood trauma - perhaps it did some damage in her ability to be fully intimate with a man, and that through her counseling now, she's allowing herself to start to feel sexual feelings, but it's safer to be attracted to women right now. I don't think that means that she definitely has that orientation forever. I agree you also should be getting counseling to help you emotionally through this, but if you are both open and honest with each other, there may still be a future for your marriage, and if not, you'll know you both tried very hard, and it sounds like you could remain good friends if you part.

[Rogofulm 2,440]

We all feel for you,@@Smye, and wish you nothing the best in working through this painful ordeal. Hopefully through therapy and the support of groups like the BariatricPal family, in time you'll regain your footing. In the meantime, please, please don't let this derail your amazing weight loss progress. You're down 150 stinkin' pounds, man! Stay proud and stay strong. These are the types of crises that often cause people throw away their progress for the short-term comfort of food. You need to funnel your pain into the strength to persevere over the food demon. I guarantee you that gaining misery weight will not help. I repeat, eating will not make you feel better! Especially in the long run. Stay focused on your program; and hold onto that as proof that you are strong! Big hugs, dude, we're rooting for ya!!!

[Smye 695]

@@drmeow, Thanks - and I appreciate your co-denial with me (as I mentioned on page 3 I think of this thread, your theory was one I hoped for) but realistically there's VERY little in the literature to support such a theory, it doesn't seem to be how latent human sexuality actually works - damn! But you're right on, we've got a great friendship and, I believe, will make it through this with a lot of joy alongside the inevitable (and appropriate) pain and grief. I'm working on holding both at the moment - I'm so excited for her to be embracing who she is and she's reported feeling elated to not feel any pressure to be romantic with me (from herself and from me), but I also sobbed while driving between district meetings this morning in grief over the loss of all my future plans for romantic evenings, dinners, ice skating, etc. What a weird mind-twister, let alone the heart. Thank you for your support!

@@Rogofulm, right on! And let me tell you, right after disclosure, I absolutely though "I wish so badly I could just stuff my face right now and make a conscious decision to find comfort in food." But - though I know to remain vigilant and never feel 'safe' from food as comfort - as a result of my own process and identify shift through this process am in a place where I know that even in the moment of eating, I wouldn't actually feel any better - not to mention the awful physical pain of eating the junk. The issue I'm having isn't so much the temptation to take comfort in food, it's having to remember to eat at all. Just finished 2 oz of homemade goat Jerky though after reading your post - so thanks for the reminder. Eating enough and the right things is just as important as not eating too much or the wrong things.

To everyone, thank you again for your support! I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture. I'll post this note back on the first post also.

[Smye 695]

When I first started this thread, I was in a time of utter crisis and had no idea what, precisely, I needed other than the general list of guidelines I put in my first post. Now I'm still in a time of significant grief. Although Mrs. Smye and I have what appears to be a solid plan in place, I'm seeking a suitable therapist, she's continuing her work with hers and we're both reaching out for support while turning towards, rather than away from, each other, it's hard. It hurts. I'm mourning the loss of the marriage we had even in the midst of celebrating the marriage we have and the friendship we will continue to have. I'm thrilled, really and truly, that she's learning more about herself - I'm even excited at the potential of 1, 2, 3, or 10 years from now for both of us to be in relationships where we're entirely fulfilled while maintaining our friendship throughout. But I still cry myself to sleep and still find myself yearning to lean in for a kiss or to initiate lovemaking. In short, I know that this still hurts and that I still have a lot of work to do on and for myself. But I'm okay with never being 'over' the loss of our romantic marriage - I don't think one ever really, truly does get over it, nor am I convinced I even want to. But I know what I need from you all now, my bariatric family.

What I need is, in many ways, what most of you have been doing already - I just need you to sit with me in my grief, to validate and honor my pain, to Celebrate with me when a day goes well or when we have a 'victory,' and to offer me virtual hugs when I ask for them or you simply think they're warranted. In short - I need a community to bear witness to my process, validate my experience, and remain present with me throughout. Thank you for all you've done and for all you do! I'll keep this forum updated regularly with what's happening, how everyone is doing with the changes, etc - writing this all down is a huge part of my own processing, so thank you for bearing witness.

Edited August 27, 2015 by Smye

[VDB 800]

We are there for you...unconditionally.

[Smye 695]

@, thank you

[PokeyJo 47]

I am sorry you are going through this. My EX was not gay but had no interest in physical intimacy of any kind. There were signs early on, but over the years it became soul crushing to not be hugged, kissed or receiving any intimacy. i blamed it on my obesity for a long time, but turns out that WASN'T it. I have no answer for it because I still care deeply for him, still miss him. I am single now and at times regret that decision, but truth is I was so terribly lonely being in a relationship where i felt neither part of a couple nor free to be single. This was way beyond the sex part, it was the whole way we interrelated with each other and the world.

Since you clearly love her, i hope you are able to give the process time before making any "permanent" decisions. This must be terribly difficult however.

I'm going through this right now as well. For a long time I blamed it on my weight and have found that's not it at all. I've begged him to see a doctor and he refuses. For the time being, I am not making any rash decisions and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Smye - I can't imagine what your going through... I'm hopeful that even if you are not Husband and Wife, you can still be friends. It may be hard for both of you to get to that point, but keep working on it. Don't worry about the statistics.... You do what's right for you . Keep it real, keep it honest and keep the lines of communication open.

I wish the best for you!

[funredneckgal 17]

Hi, I'm new here, waiting for my psych eval to get approval for surgery and came across this post. I am wondering if maybe your wife could be bisexual instead of gay. She obviously loves you. I feel for you and hope you figure everything out. I myself am bisexual and I love my husband dearly though there are desires he cannot fulfill. I am happy with him but occasionally there needs to be more. We have come to an agreement that works for us. I will not bother you with details. Just know there are lots of people in this situation. Maybe you both can have a long talk and feel better. Hugs to you and your wife. Feel free to message me if either of you want to talk.

[katladee 156]

Smye, sending you some hugs to stockpile when you need them. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO