The alarm rang at 3:00 A.M. today. It's on the other side of the room so that I must throw off the warm covers and let the morning chill help to pull me up through the thick gravy of sleep to the waking world. The alarm rings a little longer these days since I've gained forty odd pounds in the last year.

I staggered to Patty's room (yes we have separate rooms, my sleep apnea noises keep her awake, and there just isn't room for her hospital bed plus the twin in either of our tiny bedrooms.) and gently kissed her awake.

She was a bundle of nerves. She got her bath and got dressed. At 4:30 A.M. her Mom pulled into the drive. Then I kissed her goodbye and watched them drive away.

You see, she's having surgery today. She must ride three hundred miles to Cleveland Clinic, undergo a five hour procedure, then be in the hospital down there for at least three more days.

This is the first time she's had surgery without me there. This is the first time she's gone through something like this without me there. Part of me thought I would enjoy this little break. Some "me" time for a change. Part of me was wrong.

I talked to her on the phone after they got to the hospital room. She's doing fine. I'm not, I feel like something necessary has been amputated. You see, she insisted on my not going. She didn't want me to burn any time. She has done an about face on my time off after surgery. She wants to make sure that I have as much time as I need.

Any wonder why I love her so? I don't know what changed her mind. I just know it changed.

So, here I am, counting my blessings, and lurking at LBT. This place is my salvation, sometimes. Here I can laugh, and cry, and just be. Here I don't worry about being macho, or anything I'm not. Only myself.

I surely don't know where I would be without my wife and without this place. As I think I've said here before, Chefs make friends but only for a time. My best and dearest friend is in the mountains in New Mexico, and we can only talk on the phone every week or so.

But now I have new friends. Warm caring people, and I can hear the lilt of their cyber voices in my mind whenever I want. With the click of a mouse I can come to a safe and warm place, like hot chocolate for the soul.

Thank you all for being you. Thank you for letting me be me. I think I'll go lurk some more, while I count my blessings, and miss my love.

Ryan, my prayers are with you and Patti. I hope this surgery eases her pain. And I am glad that she feels differently about you taking time off after your surgery. Knew she would!