So I posted about my colonoscopy from earlier this week. The day before the colonoscopy, I had my psych eval. These are some of the things that we talked about during my psych eval.

Ever since I decided that "enough was enough" and I wanted to have WLS, back in November 2014, my right eyelid has been twitching. Almost constantly. It drives me crazy, but it's what happens to me when I'm stressed. I couldn't figure out what I was stressed about, but I figured it had something to do with my decision to have WLS. I have spent a lot of time since that decision really exploring my past and how I got to where I am.

I looked at pictures of my childhood, and saw that during the time my father was telling me I had to diet because I was too big, I was actually normal. I was shocked. I was shocked at how much one person could really screw you up. I thought about all of the things he did over the years, and the things that brought me to cut him off about 10 years ago and stop all contact. He is a mean, toxic person and is no longer in my life.

I also thought about the time in high school when I weighed 195 (I'm 5 ft 7 inches tall) and thinking, "well, it's okay, because I'm not 200 pounds." I remembered in my early 20's weighing 281 pounds and thinking, "well, it's okay, because I'll never weigh 300 pounds." Now all through this time period, I was still dieting, losing weight, then regaining weight when I couldn't keep up with the demands of the diet. But hey, it was okay, because I wasn't XXX pounds, right?

Then in my early 30's, I got serious (or thought I did), and dieted down to 225. I married someone who liked big women and was not supportive in my efforts to lose weight. Two years later, at 350 pounds, I got pregnant. When our daughter was two years old I left him. I continued to struggle with weight. About 5 years ago, I got on the scale and it read 397. I was shocked. There was no way in hell that I was going to let the scale read 400. I went back to my go-to plan, Atkins. I lost 75 pounds. But I couldn't keep it up, I was still emotionally eating and eating out of boredom.

But hey, it was okay, because I have tons of clothes (thank you, internet shopping), boots that fit my fat calves, and even tights that fit. There was nothing wrong with being a BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, because that's what I was hearing all over the place. Accept who you are! Accept your size! That's the message I was hearing.

People couldn't believe that I was 50 years old. They would say, "you have no wrinkles" and I would respond, "that's because I'm fat - only skinny people have wrinkles." And they would laugh and I would laugh. Because it was okay to be fat, right?

In November 2014 I got on a scale and it said 403. I felt sick to my stomach. I did some soul searching. I decided to stop kidding myself and to stop accept being fat.

I told the psychologist that Fat Acceptance did me no favors. It may have done wonders for other people's self esteem, but it just enabled me to be fat. Now most of you are younger than me, and you may not remember what things were like before "FA" became a thing. There was no such thing as "BBW" - the term hadn't been invented.

I told the doc that I was afraid of failing. That I had read a post here about someone who was afraid to get rid of her fat clothes, because every other time she had done that, she had to go back and buy that same size again when she failed in her efforts to keep the weight off. I told him that I had a hard time with failure (and had been my whole life, another thing to thank my father for), and I think that was what I was really stressed about.

I poured all this stuff out to the psychologist, things I had never, ever admitted, even to myself. And it felt great.

And then my eye stopped twitching.

Good post.

Never joined fat acceptance movement but I personally accepted my fat because it was pretty permanently entrenched. I accepted it much like th moles on my arms...not what I would have picked but seem inevitable.

I lost 160# post sleeve and while many prefer to not see there former bodies I look at my before pics regularly. They give perspectives. Like, if I am discouraged that my size 4 no stretch pants are a bit snug post holidays....it is a blessing to have those before shots of me busting out the seams of 3x yoga pants. It does two things...1. Reminds me gaining 5-10 is NOT 100# and 2. It reminds me of what I am NOT gonna do which is become obese again. I honestly wasn't that beautiful just really big.

Glad you got a little tension released talking through this. I went to a counselor preop as a last ditch"fix my brain" effort so I don't need WLS. She was very anti WLS and the day she gave me a book where a woman had named her eating disorder "Ed" was the day I realized we were on very different crazy trains. Like wow, I didn't relate to that book at all. So, surprisingly she gave the insurance letter for WLS.

@@CowgirlJane -- how did you get down to a size 4??!!! I am stalled and really need some advice/help!! That is so awesome that you have done that but that therapist was way screwed up!!! Geez.

Funny thing, my psych exam dr refused to okay my surgery because "i needed to like the skin I was in" so my surgery which I wanted to have in December before my 2015 deductibles kicked in had to wait because I had to do 3 months of therapy. My therapist that I went to said that was ridiculous. No one should/could be happy dealing with this much weight between my replaced knees, bad back, super high bp and almost diabetic and to big to fly comfortably, and not being able to find clothes that didn't look like a tent or just living in sweats. He told me don't settle. Have the life you want! And he discussed my fears with me and okayed my surgery which is a week from Monday!

Edited February 20, 201511 yr by kyrickchick64

Sharon,

I should have said this earlier, but ...

You're a wonderful writer.

Respect.

I particularly related to the post on the level of parents wanting us to be "better".

Felt to me like " not good enough".

I know they tried the best they knew... But telling a 13 yr old to diet and getting diet pills set up years of adult up and down weight gain and loss.

I look at old family pics and damn. I was good enough... Just didn't get the message from anyone. Sigh

Sharon,

I should have said this earlier, but ...

You're a wonderful writer.

Respect.

Thank you!

First I would like to say congrats on your choice on being healthy, I am sorry that you have experience such challenges in your life but it has made you stronger and the person that you are now which is a strong, smart, person. This new chapter in your life will show you how strong you have become. I also agree with your statement that fat acceptance is something new and that I personal believed that society has created instead to build self esteem. I also agree that we tell ourselves we are really not that big and compare ourselves to others until we really look at ourselves and address why we are abusing food, As you stated we all have abuse food rather it was boredom, not feeling love, not being accepted, or some bad event in our lives. This surgery has afforded us the opportunity to have a second chance in life and I wish you and everyone else a happy new start.

I too, keep hearing, "you have such a pretty face, why don't you just 'try' to loose some weight, it's just will power"

I also heard when I told the few people I told about the uregery:

"you are taking the easy way out"

"you will just gain it back"

The best one of all was, "Your gonna die on the table"

Well needles to say, I didn't, lol

But I do agree with you on that weight is not just what you put in your mouth but why.

I now have the "problem" that I am too skinny, or at least that's what the DR is saying

My eating disorder has now showed it's ugly head, once again.

i am in theropy and working on it. You should keep up with the theropy. It really does WORK. Just find one tht is right for YOU.

One thing that me and my theropist find amazing is that the Phyc never asked me if I had ever had an eating disorder?

My theropist asked me this when we first started cause she was amazed that even with a HUGE eating disporder I still got surgery.

I just tiold her, "well, they never aked the quetion and I wasn't gonna bring it up cause I wanted the surgery so bad"

Maybe they should ask this so you can start to get help BEFORE the suegery.

Keep up with it, you will be amazed how quicly the wieght startes going off once you have the surgery. I saw that you are having the band, so it will be a little slower. BUT YOU WILL DO IT1111

I am proud of YOU!

Keep up with post

Thanks!

Oh, and I'm not having the band, I'm having sleeve gastrectomy.