I recently wrote this as a blog post and thought I would share it here too. It's taken me a good 15 months to start to make sense of how to view or "treat" the "old, fat" version of myself. It's easy to look back on that person and hate her. Talk about how much better i look and feel now. But I found that hating the old me was actually pretty damaging. Hope this makes sense!

"This is a question worth struggling with. What if our badness and mistakes are the very things that set our fate and bring us round to good. What if, for some of us, we can't get there any other way?" (Goldfinch, p. 771).

It has been such a huge issue for me to try and find a way not to "hate" the person that I was before - the person I let myself become. I am realizing that hating that person so much has been fueling a lot of my fears of failure and fears of waking up one morning and finding myself back at 280 pounds.

I thought this quote was so beautiful and really helped me to start to see that the person I was before was not to be hated, but she was an essential piece of the puzzle - an essential starting point.

Without her - without having experienced all of the things I did that led me to eating myself almost to death - I may not have discovered who I really am.

I may never have found the beauty of a life actually lived and not just endured.

I may never have realized the importance of self-care, self-advocacy, and self-love (still working on that one).

I may never have realized how strong I really am.

I may never have known the feeling of being an example of health and physical well-being for my daughters.

I may never have known what my physical body is capable of.

I may never have called myself committed to a goal.

I may never have known I was an athlete. An athlete. Imagine that.

I may never have known the real, authentic me. The me I am now.

"What if our badness and mistakes are the very things that ...bring us round to good?"

SO in the spirit of viewing the old version of ourselves as essential pieces of the puzzle.... What are your thoughts on the value of the you that you "used to be" and how he/she "brought you round to good"?

Edited December 27, 201411 yr by livvsmum

I guess my weight loss is too recent, but I don't see an old me and a new me. Just me. I am the same person I was 115 pounds ago. I am just currently making better health choices and working harder on my long term well being. Self hate is a foreign concept to me. Now embarrassment, that's something I can relate to. I am a prideful person. When I look back at how much I weighed, I am embarrassed that I let myself get so big.

That's great that it is not something you struggle with. I'm jealous! I don't think it's necessarily a positive thing to view it as an old me/new me kind of thing. In fact I think that kind of thinking has been somewhat harmful to me. That is what I am trying to get away from. But, I definitely have changed, grown, developed into a different version of myself. Self-hate, low self-esteem, caring for everyone before myself is something I have struggled with for years and years and years. So learning to love myself is definitely something new and something I work on daily.

I am genuinely sad for the place I was at before. I feel more compassion for me and all of my faults. I am still finding out who I am. I would like to think I'm beautiful inside and out.