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Has anyone become single as a result of their weight loss surgery?



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I'm not in a relationship (thankfully) but I am losing my best friend. She has turned into a painfully polite person at work, but doesn't talk to me like she once did. She had the bypass a decade ago but gained back a lot of weight. She has been working out for the past year and has lost a bit, but when she found out I was going for the surgery she has since started distancing herself from me. It was hurtful at first but now I feel like she was not a real friend in the first place. Hindsight is 20/20 and now I see that there were problems in the friendship that I glossed over because she was my BFF. After the surgery, my life is going to change, and how I pick my friends is also going to change.

Sometimes I wonder why people do the things they do. Why can't she just be happy for your success?

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You guys will get a kick out of this story: I met this guy about 5 years ago, we started off as friends which turned to friends with benefits, while all this was going on..he kept telling me we were just friends....well we did EVERYTHING together including 1.5 yrs later moving in with each other but it only lasted about a year when problems arose with his adult kids (that's another story) but I moved out...we didn't talk to each other for about 6 months I actually was so mad at him for the way things went down, but anyway.. from what I heard, he was miserable after I left but didn't hesitate to have sex with every female he could find, including with the 2 most hated women in my life.

We started talking again, and became "weekend" friends with benefits AGAIN, eventually I was asked to move back in...I hesitated but since I fell so head over heals for him the first time..I couldn't let go. Little did I know, when I moved in..the sex stopped...no kissing, no hugging...nada...so I asked him...um..whats up? He said living together is one thing...he didn't want things to get complicated by having sex since we are just friends. I was like in shock..now that I had given up my apartment to come to this?..I told him, had I known you were going to do this..I wouldn't have moved in...no response from that.

Anyway...I let it go..but we have been living together now a little over 2 years...we do EVERYTHING together, we sleep in the same bed..we go to family outings (both sides) together..he goes to the store and actually thinks of me...he buys me some of my favorite goodies I like....we actually have a friendship that is 100% similar to a marriage, everyone we know...introduces us as boyfriend & girlfriend and he doesn't correct them. .but yet to him..we are just best friends.

He is so supportive of my surgery....and knows that I am so excited about this...being thinner and healthier that I am afraid that when I do lose weight he might start getting closer to me..would I like that? sure since I love him so much..but why wont he admit that we actually have a relationship? Was it my weight preventing him from announcing to everyone he was in a relationship with a fat girl?...is he just a commitment phobe? Or will this be my chance to actually find someone else...who knows.

Kinda weird huh? would love to hear your thoughts on that icky situation!! :blink:

You deserve SO much better than that honey! Keeping him ad a friend is perfectly fine, but move out and find some stud muffin lover! Having a best friend is great. But having a best friend INSTEAD of a loving committed relationship....all the amazing brown chicken brown cow included? Not worth it! Don't let that man close to you post surgery! If you're not getting the goods now, don't let him have them after! He doesn't deserve them!

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In my humble opinion I think MANY interpersonal relationships change when you have WLS. Family dynamics shift, depending on your place in the family. I have always been the one to support and give of myself to everyone. If I had nothing, I would still try to give. I would be suffering, in pain, yet I was always thinking of others. I had been off over two months from work and had spent 6 days in the hospital, yet in May 2013 I made sure to get to my nephew's wedding. ( Four days after I was released from hospital for a major DVT/PE) I was not perfect, but I tried. Then I decided to have the surgery for ME. As I lost weight I became more and more aware of how certain family members used me, and I put a stop to it. Then there was work. Most of my work associates supported my decision and have praised me for the weight I have lost. One coworker though has always been difficult. She is extremely passive aggressive and difficult to get along with. I put up with her nonsense for over 12 years, biting my tongue. Earlier this year I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let her know in no uncertain terms exactly what I thought of her. It got tense and ugly in the office for a while, but I didn't regret it. The old fat me did everything to keep the peace, don't rock the boat. The new thinner me isn't going to put up with the same BS. I am very over that.

And then there is my "personal" relationships. I will admit 100% I thought it would be easier to find a nice guy to date if I weighed less. I never got asked out on dates at 300 lbs +, I really thought when I became physically more attractive that would change. It has not. I haven't dated more than once or twice since I have lost weight. Yet I have made a change in this area too. I used to be available for "FWB" friendships. The problem was they weren't really friends and the only benefit was mostly for them. They didn't want to hang out. Heck most of the guys I have had "benefits" with over the past 10 years have had significant other women in their lives at the time! No, once again I did things just to have a guy pay attention to me. I believed I was desirable to the men, but the truth be known I was just easy. Well since I have lost weight that has stopped. I no longer have FWB. If I am not good enough for a man to take out on a date, been seen together in a social setting and want to actually spend time with me, I am not good for the other either. I think a lot of overweight people will do this, settle for less than ideal rather than nothing at all. Whether it be getting involved with people who are not the best for you or having intimate relationships that are without a relationship, obese people will put others before themselves. I think with weight loss after surgery we begin to find some confidence. We want better for ourselves. And those who have used us don't always like this change. They accuse us of being different people, that we have "changed"- like it is a bad thing. What has changed is we are learning to love ourselves enough to want better. And yes, it does often lead to changes within our social and familial dynamics.

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The psychologist I saw for insurance purposes told me that he has more patients who are the spouses and significant others of weight loss surgery patients than he does weight loss patients and he specializes in patients. He said although the personality rarely changes after surgery, the spouse's personality often changes. They resent the attention the patient is now getting and they start to feel insecure. He advised me to be patient and careful with my boyfriend because it's also an adjustment for him. He's going to get a new girlfriend whether he likes it or not. He said the spouse often doesn't even realize it's happening until they wake up one day and are insecure. It's like you switch roles in the relationship. I'm a single parent and he also gave me good advice on my teenage daughter with the same regard.

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I am single, lost weight, and gained a bunch of wolves sometimes now trying to leech on me. If I wasn't good for them fat, I aint good for them skinny.

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I was in a committed relationship when I was sleeved and now am not. I don't think it was because of the weight loss directly. It was more like... once the obesity monkey was of my back, i had the energy to realize I wanted more out of life. I wanted a physical and emotional relationship that is loving and caring and fullfilling. i didn't have any of those things and when I asked for it... I was pretty much told he wasn't interested. I made the hard choice to move on so I could live a better life. Pre weight loss, I just didn't have the energy or confidence to imagine a better life.

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OK where do I start my husband and I have been married 10 years now 7 when he got the sleeve done...I was small he was chubby when we got married when he decided to have the sleeve done he was 380lbs yes his head got bigger but he never had a problem thanking he looked It just got worse and yes he was dranking alot yall can't do that do you know why? Y'all thank single and at the moment don't care you are....it not the self esteem issue drinking was mine husband problem....Read up on wls patient and drinking yall literally go crazy, will lose your minds don't think about what you're doing and don't really care about others when you're drinking if it wasn't for our regular dotor telling him what the alcohol was doing to him we would be divorced...now its been a few years later I git the sleeve done but when I first talked to him about getting it done he said why your just gonna leave me...I told him that he better stand beside me I did him and I still loved even what drug me thru...you can see it in his eyes he worries but he has nothing to worry about....Your Marriage is very important, we shouldn't just walk out

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I'm on the road to a revision, but I had surgery many years ago, and my husband got super jealous. He drank at the time (he doesn't now) and I told him it didn't matter if I were fat or thin, the only reason I would leave him was because of his drinking. We have been married 33 years now. Losing weight DID spice up our married life, if you know what I'm saying.

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This entire thread disturbs me. I've been married for 23 years...we've raised 4 kids together and are now even grandparents together. I love my husband. It breaks my heart to think that the results of my surgery could come between us when so many things that were designed to destroy us, didn't touch us. I have heard that those of us who undergo this life changing procedure change in radical ways, not only physically, but most important, EMOTIONALLY. I don't want to change so much that I cause my husband not to love me anymore. I worry about this.

Edited by Jennifer Rogers

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It does happen though, hence why I started this conversation. It happens a lot.

Counseling does help a lot of times but most men are to proud to go to a counselor. They are someone who can get involved and help you get past the obstacles. I know, I'm there right now.

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@pinkbunies. If you read the responses and other like threads you will see that it was NOT the surgery that causes the relationship to be lost. It was the underlying causes -- communication and lack thereof.

Relationships that had other undealt with issues, complacency in a relationship, having settled for some

I had surgery. My biggest coach /cheerleader/supporter and best friend is my husband of 21 years

He lost weight the old fashioned way and is keeping it off.

His high weight was 230 and today he's at 170. Took him 5 years. We ate, excercise and did everything the same. I gained 20 pounds in that period.

I am his biggest supporter and he is mine

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I was in a committed relationship when I was sleeved and now am not. I don't think it was because of the weight loss directly. It was more like... once the obesity monkey was of my back, i had the energy to realize I wanted more out of life. I wanted a physical and emotional relationship that is loving and caring and fullfilling. i didn't have any of those things and when I asked for it... I was pretty much told he wasn't interested. I made the hard choice to move on so I could live a better life. Pre weight loss, I just didn't have the energy or confidence to imagine a better life.

Wow sounds like my life right now. My husband of 13 years has been very cold in that area for around the past 10 years. I am sure it is becuase of my weight. Just wondering was he still not interested after the weight loss?

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I'm so glad this thread is here. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but I am at a point where I feel like my health and happiness are just as unimportant to my husband as they are important to me. Biggest fight we ever had in 27 years was today. I'm crying now, and have been all day. He accused me of not ever wanting to do ANYTHING since I decided to have the "weight THING" as he calls it. The day was going great, then he decided he wanted to go to the casino, which we had both decided months ago to not visit again, due to no self control. He will be retired soon, and we will have even less money. I told him I didn't want to go. I have laundry, dinner, dishes, WORK to do. I didn't want to go THERE.(I told him I'd go anywhere but there) So, the fight happened. It got super ugly. Lots of hateful things were said by both of us. I am not going to give up on my dream of health and I am having this surgery whether he likes it or not. I just don't understand. He married me thin. He must have loved me thin once. Why is he dragging me down like this?????

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I kinda agree with @@Jersrose43, there r underlying issues in a marriage that may sometimes get amplified when one partner makes a big change.

By having WLS, you have made a wonderful and powerful statement! You are a strong person and want to be healthy, all great things, right?

Well, not always for everyone. Lots of unspoken questions and issues can arise from that decision.

Insecurities, among a myriad of relationship challenges can come Into play.

Picking a fight with you about going to the Casino might not really be what his real issue was, especially if you both already agreed not to go there.

Not everyone has a fairly tale marriage, I certainly don't...

Stay strong and take care of yourself. While you are going through your Weight Loss Journey, it might be wise to start seeing a therapist and work on yourself as a whole. It can help us see things more clearly so we can make better decisions about behavior we are wiling to accept from ourselves and others ????

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