not sure where to post this- husband absolutely does not support wls

[sonjajade 13]

I going to take a wild guess and say either he doesnt have a weight problem or a really small weight problem ? Sounds like either possibly ? At 320 lbs exercise may not be an option ( can he move 320 lbs ? Ask him to try it !) , and yes you may lose some weight, but can you keep it off forever ? It's YOUR body and YOUR life, and you only get ONE of those, so do whats best for YOU ! Make the decision in 6 months, but put your health 1st and his opinion 2nd ! Good luck !!

actually he is over 300 pounds himself, though he is 6 foot tall. I don't want him to think I'm not taking his concerns seriously, but at the same time I don't think I should put it off any longer than necessary.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Has he attended a WLS introductory lecture, typically 2-4 hours by a bariatric surgeon who describes EVERYTHING -- risks, surgical techniques, the high value of family support, complications, post-op compliance, long-term success stats.

If not, I think that could make a big difference. (Sorry if you already mentioned this above.)

[Steviefan1 126]

What you have been sharing about your personal life with us is one more of the first steps that, at least to me, shows you are serious about this. The other is that you are doing well on your pre-op diet. These are the stepping stones that lead you down the yellow brick road to success. I too, needed the support of my husband that just was not there. Not as opposed as your husband seems to be...however...I just went ahead and did it. Although I have a little more to go, I am close to 100 pounds down. My serious health issues have greatly improved or dissolved. I go to the YMCA and am doing Water aerobics, cardio, beginning Zumba, and am learning to swim. I walk every day. I FEEL FANTASTIC!!! and darlin' YOU WILL TOO. I predict that as the pounds melt away, so will his displeasing attitude. I will leave you with this: I feel like I have come out of a 40 year cocoon, and I am feeling SO alive at 55. ((hugs))

[ready2B 263]

I was terrified my husband would be just like yours and think I just wasn't "trying enough." This, after watching me join diet program after diet program and lose & gain back hundreds of lbs over the past 30 year! How is that not trying? I put up with years of ridicule from him about my weight and even when I did lose, I'd get no support or positive feedback. So, I was very nervous approaching him about me wanting to have WLS - and surprisingly he was relieved! He was really worried I would die or be very disabled soon because of my weight. And now that I've made this commitment and he sees I am really serious about it - he's been truly supportive. I've had to educate him too about what life will be like for me postop - the good and the bad - so nothing comes as a surprise to him.

Your husband clearly has some problems about doctors but those shouldn't have to be your problems. It's unfair to you for him to make it so - you are no doubt making a very informed decision and not an emotional one, whereas he likely isn't very informed about the surgery or your risks in not having it - and he likely is reacting purely emotionally. Maybe putting it to him like that might help? Ask him to keep an open mind long enough to learn the facts and withhold any judgement until he knows more about the actual chances of risks and the high rate of benefits.

[MisforMimi 760]

You are so right! It takes a lot of energy to raise small children and it only requires more as they age if you want to fully engaged in their lives. Your husband has some legitimate fears and concerns, but at the end of the day they are HIS fears and concerns and HE needs to deal with them. Sounds like his loss and having not fully grieving is taking center stage and he may need therapy to deal with his past or just a counselor or someone to talk to. Your family and relatives may need emergency and elective surgery. It happens to most people over the course of a lifetime. Your kids might break a bone, he might get in a car accident and break a bone a require surgery. I still have fears of anesthesia even though I lived through my father's amputation, my mother's pacemaker and my 3 year old daughters tonsillectomy oh and I work in an orthopedic surgery clinic. I have faith you all will figure this out. You owe getting healthy to yourself and then to your family and kids. With or without his blessing, move in the direction of health. You know if you could stay on a 1200 cal diet of your own will, yes, you would loose weight but if you are like any of us (pre-surgery) my guess is that you would gain it back and 40 pounds extra and would be on the roller coaster again. And research shows us the yo-yo dieting is bad as staying fat!!

[pink dahlia 2,513]

I say this with all due respect and love, but the fact that BOTH you and your husband are over 300 lbs makes it a possibility that BOTH of you will be in a possible situation of not being able to raise your kids in a healthy way, as obesity can cause so many problems in your future AND theirs. Think about it. Also you have a higher risk of health problems with being obese than you do in having WLS. Try laying the odds in front of your husband and see if that helps him come aroundcat all. I wish you well.

[Jonathan Blue 311]

Having a support system is very valuable when it comes to surgical success. However, my wife wan't the biggest fan at first and she turned around the more I went through the process and the more she learned about. Honestly, I would have done it wheather she wanted me too or not. In the end, it is your life and you cannot remain overweaight and unhealthy just because someone doesn't want you to get better.

The biggest thing to make sure that he realizes is that the surgery is a tool and not the solution. It is there to aid weight loss. Right now your body is fighting itself with slightly out of whack insulin and blood preassure levels. Even at your best effort, the hormone changes for a larger person fights against the bodies desire to lose weight even when the calorie counts and activity level is correct. That is why the surgery is a tool, to help you fight your body wanting to remain fat.

It is rough if he is not on board, but you need to take care of yourself, if not for you then for your children. Can I ask if he is overweight? It could be that he is also insecure about the fact the you could get hot and leave him or make him feel more insecure about himself. It might have nothing to do with you or the surgery. I know that was my wifes initial issue I think. Just encourage him to continue coming with you through the process and for him, and yourself, to learn as much about the process as you can. This will aide in his comfort as well as yours. Just to keep him going with you I would even tell him you are still exploring and will not make a final decision until the six month mark even though deep down you may already know you will go througgh with it. It will give him time to get comfortable with it.

[ready2B 263]

Jonathon brought up some very good points. Sometimes a significant other doesn't want the other person to get better for a variety of reasons. Some might be afraid the relationship would change. Some might worry that you would leave them. Some might want to keep the "upper hand" if your weight issues keep you insecure and dependent. Some might feel your getting healthier might "push" them into a healthier lifestyle too that they aren't willing to do yet. Some just fear losing their "eating buddy" and wonder how you will spend time together if it isn't around food. Those are all codependencies. I wouldn't be surprised if your husband has other reasons besides his fear that you may die - especially since your chances of an early death are far greater without the surgery. (He might not even be aware of all his motives.)

Think of it this way - if you were an alcoholic or drug addict and you decided you want to get treatment to get sober and your spouse didn't want you to (for whatever reasons) - wouldn't you do it anyway? Of course you would! Healthier is always better - and in the long run, it makes for much healthier relationships. Change of any kind is scary, not just for the person going through the change, but those around them. But if the direction you are heading to with those changes are good, then everything WILL work out. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you and he will either get on board too or he won't. That is his choice - and what he chooses will tell you who he really is.

[auntjanny 289]

My husband did not support my surgery, and did not acknowledge my continued steps through the process to get insurance approval. He was afraid something could happen, he felt I should be able to do this on my own so was embarrassed, and he was concerned about changes that would occur in our social lives. I brought the surgery up every month even though he wished it would go away. I finally said I was going through with it and he needed to accept it. Once he realized I was serious, he has been just fine. The weight loss is encouraging also. I am sure he doesn't want me to fail at another weight loss attempt.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you and he will either get on board too or he won't. That is his choice - and what he chooses will tell you who he really is.

Amen.

[MsUjima 109]

May be you all should go into counseling together. Seems like he has a lot of fears and could work to sabatoge.

[Bandora 136]

Is your husband overweight? If so, maybe he is jealous and feeling insecure. Does he feel you wont want to go out to dinner anymore or spend time with him if you have the WLS? I encourage you to take him to a support group meeting or have him see how many ways WLS can improve your life. He might have some questions and once he sees the benefits he may be more supportive. You can eat healthier and work out together and he will feel more accepting of your new lifestyle. Expose him to all the information about the surgery- the more he knows the more supportive he should be. Good Luck to you!

[banded2004 31]

It is difficult if not impossible in my personal and my Surgeons opinion to sustain a 1200 calorie diet on a long term basis. This is why I had weight loss surgery.

This is a very personal decision you are making. Gather all the information you can and then trust YOUR instincts.

All the very best to you. :-)

[NotGoingThere 19]

Risk of death from WLS is minimal--I think less than 1%. Risk of death from overweight is very high. Look up some numbers and show him!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Beni and RJ both nailed it. I too started at a BMI over 50 and that is no "little weight problem". Statistically very few people with such an advanced state of obesity are able to lose and maintain a significant weight loss. I know..I tried for decades. If you are on a laptop, click my profile to see my before and after. Look at my shape before....huge waistline. A heart attack waiting to happen. You can tell by looking at me..I simply was not well.