Question About Family Support

[Twirpo75 50]

Or lack there of. My question is simply this, When you decided to have surgery, were your friends and family supportive? After surgery were they still? Ok. I had two questions.

I have no one in my life who has had this surgery. Or any weight loss surgery. Both of my parents are in their 60's and morbidly obese too. Before the surgery I felt like everyone, including them, were supporting me. When I had the surgery they came to stay with me to help me with my 12 yr old son. And to make sure everything went ok. They were going to stay a month. When they showed up I was one week into my two week pre-op liquid diet. And I had been doing great. But my Mom brought a bunch of food with her. Including Peanut Butter brownies. No lie. Like 30 or 40 of them in boxes. I asked her to please not bring junk food in the house. She kept saying they were for my son. And she would bring in other crap food and say it was for my son. The day before surgery she went to the commissary and brought in several packages of Cookies and pop-tarts. I was hurt and offended. And I let her know that that was how I felt and I didn't appreciate her ignoring my wishes in my home. My son is 12 and the perfect BMI for his height and weight. He's a Quarterback for his middle school football team. Totally healthy kid. I don't keep crap Snacks in my house because I refuse to guide him into this lifestyle like I was guided by my mom. She doesn't get that. Anyway, two days after surgery my mom had a tantrum and they packed up and left. I've spoken to her only twice since then. I'm hurt beyond words. When I talked to her the two times she acted as though nothing had happened. And now I'm not sure what to do.

So I am wondering if any of you dealt with this kind of thing. And how did you resolve it? If you were able to resolve it.

Thanks in advance!!

Crystal

[LML8789 52]

Some people are supportive; others are not. I was first hurt that my mother wasn't supportive but she's come around enough that we can meet in the middle. I do what's best for me and if she

doesn't understand that, then I've learned enough in the last few months to let it go.

From reading your post, it sounds like your parents show love with food. Maybe they just aren't

able to understand why you've made this choice and just can't relate. It doesn't mean that you

can't continue to be close--it just means that they continue to live their lives how they want

(even if it's not healthy; it's their choice) and you live yours the best way for you and your

son. You can't let them push you into unhealthy choices but it also sounds like they aren't open

for healthier choices in their lives and unfortunately, you have to accept their decision on that.

Good luck-- sounds like you just had surgery and it's an emotional time without dealing with this.Relax, pamper yourself, and try not to take it personally. Sounds like they love you alot or they wouldn't have come in the first place; just sounds like they may not understand all the

changes you have made & want to make in the future. Lisa

[LML8789 52]

oh and they'll come around eventually. I think time will resolve it once they see how great

you'll be feeling over the next few months! good luck--Lisa

[Twirpo75 50]

Lisa,

Thank you for responding. My surgery was 10/6 so I am fresh out. It was a very emotional time for me and I tried explaining to them that I was up and down all the time. But this on top of it just threw me for a loop. My mom has never been the lovey type. Hugs and "I love you" were typically saved for birthdays and christmas. But she was always willing to cook for us. Or buy us soda. So I think you are right about food being her way of showing her love. I hadn't thought of it that way. I don't want tension between us but I don't know how to help her understand that this is my new life. And they can do whatever they want. If I had been staying with them I would NEVER tell her not to bring certain foods into her house. I wish they would choose to be healthy, but I can't force them. And I've never tried to push it on them. Hopefully we all find a middle ground. Right now it's all just awkward.

Crystal

[LML8789 52]

Crystal---you'll be fine---I remember it is a really emotional time. Just act like you normally would, pretend it never happened and all will be well with your parents. You really are in the toughest time right now--it's gets easier after this so enjoy the journey, it's going to be great! Lisa

[Lani789 128]

Sounds like my mom. When I told her I was adopting all she could come up with were the negatives. What if there was something wrong with the child, what if this was money rip-off...you get the picture.

A wise friend said she's your mom and she doesn't want you to get hurt. She doesn't know how to say that. I think your mom is worried. She is worried about you having surgery, worried about you getting sick, etc. and mix that with guilt about how she raised you with food rewards. It would be nice if she expressed her pride in you taking this big step, but she can't say it. So carry on and do what you need to do. Your child will show his appreciation with his hugs....think of his smile the first time he can wrap his arms around you!

Your mom may never say what you want to hear. Lead by example and find a church or homeless shelter to take those Snacks. And try hugging her. She may want to but she doesn't know how to start.

[livvsmum 2,370]

Oh yep.... Do we have the same mom? My mom was not supportive of the surgery in the first place, but came around to it once she saw I wasn't going to change my mind. But every SINGLE time she comes to visit she brings all of the foods of my past life.... cakes, pies, chips, Cookies, candies, lasagna, soda, etc. She says it is for my kids, but our whole family changed our way of eating, not just me, and my kids don't eat that kind of stuff anymore. It honestly feels like sabotage and my therapist was the first to point this out to me! :-)

[Crystal88 85]

I haven't had surgery yet but...

My dad is a HUGE worry wort, and he doesn't understand why I want the surgery... UMMMM, because I weigh 300 pounds and I'm unhappy???

My mom is supportive, but I know deep down inside she will be a wreck the day of my surgery, but being a strong woman she is, she won't show it in front of me. She will literally show it in front of EVERYONE ELSE, but me lol.

I am getting A LOT of supportive feedback from people I've told about wanting the surgery. Everyone is excited for me. My eldest brother (I'm closest to him out of the 4) is super excited for me.

[aSleeveStory 128]

Most of the people in my life were supportive. Nobody was outright UNsupportive, so I suppose that I've been lucky in that regard. I have talked with some older sleevers who basically said that if some people can't support your decision, or worse, undermine it, that you may have to make some tough choices.

Sounds like your mom needs a breakthrough, some way to see how important (and necessary) this all is for you and your future in the family. You may never get that, but the attempt alone may be helpful enough for you to look past it and move on.

[nprcowboy 533]

Yeah. It's been rough for me too. I think my wife is trying to sabotage me. She knows I was having trouble quitting smoking and several times after she had stopped also she lit up in front of me. Also she said she would do the preop diet with me even though her surgery is 4 weeks after mine. But like last night orders in pizza and donuts. I'm doing perfect on my pre op diet. Surgery is in 9 days. I had a few smokes 4 days ago and my preop testing is this Thursday. I'm drinking a gallon of Water a day to try and detox. I know it's my fault that I gave in and had a few and couldn't fully stop sooner part in thanks to the lack of support at home. I'll just die if they postpone my surgery due to failing a test for nicotine this Thursday

[ashly200423 8]

I haven't had the surgery yet. My mom is really supportive she knows I've struggled with my weight for years. My husband on the other hand is complete opposite. I hope he comes around, he hasn't known me long enough to know my struggles of course he has a real high metabolism so he doesn't understand the struggle I just hope he eventually comes around

Edited October 28, 2014 by ashly200423

[maxcimax 220]

Fortunately for me my family was only concerned about me surviving the surgery. I'm 70 with a heart issue & breathing issues. I told everyone that if I didn't do this surgery I was going to die a lot sooner! I came thru the surgery just fine & everyone is really happy I did this. My boyfriend stills brings home crap but I just ignore it. I just go get one of my popsicles or Protein bar. I think that's the secret. Just substitute good stuff you can have for the crappy stuff other people try to get you to eat.

Also, if you haven't already, join a support group. This makes a big difference.

[Twirpo75 50]

In a way it's good to know I am not the only one who has struggled with this. But it hurts my heart to know other people are too. This should be a positive experience but for me so far it has only been one struggle after another. I see the weight coming off now so it feels a little more real to me now. But it's still very hard to know that the support I thought I had wasn't there. I'm so, so, so, grateful for this page and being able to come here to learn from other people. Thank you everyone for your kind words!! Good luck to all of us!! =)