My sad devestaion with Weight!

Many happy moment that I can recall surrounded my weight; such as meeting the love of my life that makes me happy and many other solid blissful memories. The saddest moment were that I couldn't enjoy the simple things in life due to weight restrictions. People avoided my line at grocery stores because they couldn't manuevere around me.

I got a lot of stares and nasty comments through the years! As I hardened myself to the negativity I put up a barricade. I figured I could brush off the remarks on my size and stay comfortable where I am at. Then it dawned on me, I have stomach pain that presses on internal organs and bladder. My knees are not as strong and I can't wear rings because my fingers are so puffed up!

I then realized how it was taking a toll on my family, how sad my family was for me. I would raid the refrigerator at night and touch food that was being saved for a different meal. I was hiding food in my drawers and storing it like a rat with cheese. I wasn't helping anybody and most important myself.

I had to let the walls come crumbling down and expose the vulnerability that I can't hide the truth from the mirror or the clothing that fits snug. We can lie to ourseleves until we are downright blue in the face about why we don't need to make a needed change, when in reality the more harm those lies bring the further we get from achieving true success and goals we made to attain!

I was once a Thin child to a thin young woman, I wasn't truly happy. I relayed the information in my brain that when I was thin I had low self-esteem so what is great about being thin anyway? All I have known is the fat has brought me much needed happiness and more of an appreciation and understanding of others called empathy!

The last remark I recieved was yesterday at the mall while I was waiting for Lee to drive from the parking lot to pick me up since it was 111 degrees outside and I couldn't walk all the way down in sandals. This younger man and his son whom looked about six years of age took one glance at me. Then came the dreadful words the man uttered. "Hey Son look at the size of that girl's behind." I snapped and told him off realzing I did what he wanted he got a reaction out of me. So he laughed and walked inside. I then started to cry in Lee's car and in between sobs Lee consoled me.

The strong interior for such comments had deteriorated and I felt so human for weeping like a child being cradled in Lee's arms.

So many times I had my hands on a plate of glass window looking in from the outside, to the beach bikini bodies and athletic toned stomachs. Even regular sized clothing and the sales-clerks telling me I didn't belong in that section.

I felt like a deformed outkast in society.

Sometimes I wanted to fade, other times I wanted to die. Just simply die! I wouldn't hurt myself I just wanted God to take me, so I wouldn't have to live another day in this jail cell of a body!

As I picked up the pieces of the scattered jigsaw puzzle I began to unravel clues and hints that nothing brings happiness to you, you bring it to yourself.

Happy comes in all shapes and sizes and all kinds of faces. If I wanted a better qaulity of life I would need to make a drastic change. This didn't come out of the blue I have had a decade of trying every diet. I have had some doctors tell me nobody would do Bariatric Surgery on me because of my mental illness. The same went for Hysterectomy but I came out fine after that, in fact the Hysterectomy improved my moods.

My parents who never supported or entertained the idea of Bariatric Surgery were now pleading with me if I wanted to save my life, I needed it to be done.

They were right...so now my story is a work in progress. More to come and more hope always!

Good luck on your journey! There are many people here to support and help you along the way.

These people who made these remarks were not right....The little rodent of a father taught his son that it is not okay to be different and that he did not have to show respect to his elders or to anyone if he felt he was superior to them.....

You are right the choices are yours. And how you deal in the journey is yours as well. For your health and well being I salute you!

Keep us informed about your story and please. See yourself as a better person then those who thought that fat shaming would make them feel better. Sad state indeed!

Your story touched my heart! Yes you are owning it..Go girl go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can so relate to your story, feelings and experiences. I just said to my husband yesterday how much I enjoy feeling like a normal person and not some freak of nature. I too was on the receiving end of many cruel remarks which created a defensiveness. There are a lot of ignorant ass holes in the world. My decision to have bariatric surgery was based on my own well being though and not on what others may have thought. You are so strong and brave to be so open. Big cyber hug and keep going forward!

What an honest expression of your feelings. It never ceases to amaze me the cruelty that exists in the world. And they learn it young. I remember my mom took my little brother to the park and sat on the bench while he played with his friends. A kid, not a little one but old enough to know better, walked up to her and said, "Why are you so ugly? You are the ugliest thing I've ever seen." She had no idea who this kid was. I never saw her cry so hard. There were so many vicious verbal assaults like that.

We will be healthy and fit in time. But they will never be decent people. God bless you.

I'm right there with you. So know that your not alone and know that your part of a majority and not a minority. There are a multitude Of people living lives the same as you. We are looked down on as less than human at times. But I say look at me. See me. I am here feeling, crying, hurting just like you. My clothes may be bigger but I put them on just like you. I go to work everyday, I clean my house everyday. I go for walks, I shop, I spend money and pay bills just like you. So I say don't look at me look at yourself. Don't judge me judge yourself, because you know what, God loves me just as much as he loves you and sees nothing but beauty. What does he see when he looks at you. Take that you mean, poorly raised, ignorant people who make fun of any other human being because they are different than you. So Ms.keep your head held high and full steam ahead because were gonna rock this WLS ship. Kim