Spring cleaning wakeup call

[vogue 310]

Was in a lil funk this morning, mostly due to not getting proper rest & nutrition this week. Managed to get 8 hours of sleep last night and decided to get up and clean my neglected bedroom.

FOUND A PAIR OF "BEFORE" JEANS.

I remember sticking them in a drawer last year or so... I thought maybe when I reached goal I'd do the before/after pics. Have sinned reached goal but never got the inclination to do the photo.

Anyway, I examined the shapeless jeans with the thigh area worn paper thin... I fought back tears and just kept staring at them.

Not sure why I'm feeling sad now because I'm grateful for my sleeve and resulting progress.

I'm probably just rambling and not making sense but I felt the need to vent.

[swimbikerun 1,048]

You have mixed feelings at this point. I'm just happy that things are working out for you! At least this is better right? Even a small amount of regain is ok.

Let us know if it grows to be worse. We will help and encourage you all we can.

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Oh, Vogue, have a big hug from me. Understand exactly what you are saying and no, it makes no sense - but for me, it's like grieving for what was and who you were.

When I looked at my before clothes and pics of me wearing them, I cried for a day. I cried for the memories and misery that came flooding back, for the unhappy person I was when I wore the clothes, I cried slightly with fear that I would ever go back and some of it with relief that I will work hard to never be that size again.

You're having a moment and you are allowed to after how successful you've been. Think about doing the after pic and post before/after, it will help draw a line.

Ramble away, you are not alone :-) x

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I look at my before pictures regularly. In my office I have a face shot (passport photo!) of what I looked like at over 300 versus what I looked like at goal (heavier then I am now. I look at it everyday to remind myself of how far I have come. The full body before shot is hard to look at, but i do that regularly too. IT is sad to see the pain and discomfort but then the positive reminder is of just how far we have come!!!

[JanetPRN 496]

Before shots are painful to me , also. They are a necessary evil when coming to terms with our new reality.

[lsereno 2,525]

I occasionally look at before pics to remember where I came from and as a reminder that I have to be ever vigilant to not return there. I kept a pair of my largest pants. It's the only clothing item I have from that time.

I also started a big pants thread here:

http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/266039-big-pants/?p=2989646

it's been dead for a while, but it's fun to look at. I'd love to see a pic of you and those big pants now.

Lynda

Edited May 25, 2014 by lsereno

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Oh, Vogue, have a big hug from me. Understand exactly what you are saying and no, it makes no sense - but for me, it's like grieving for what was and who you were.

When I looked at my before clothes and pics of me wearing them, I cried for a day. I cried for the memories and misery that came flooding back, for the unhappy person I was when I wore the clothes, I cried slightly with fear that I would ever go back and some of it with relief that I will work hard to never be that size again.

You're having a moment and you are allowed to after how successful you've been. Think about doing the after pic and post before/after, it will help draw a line.

Ramble away, you are not alone :-) x

I so agree with you. Sometimes I just feel for that person I was, stuck in that body, doing the best I could. Well we have come out the other end, and with work, hopefully will maintain that.

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Yeah, that's part of who we were, and some of that person is still in there. The things/feelings that drove us to WLS are probably the things that well up once in a while, so I'm not surprised from the emotion that comes with it. The thing for me is that I am the SAME person, and my thin self sort of wonders how/why I let that happen (extreme weight gain), so that's where I struggle.

My daughter graduated from high school last week, and we had a big graduation party yesterday. She made big picture collage and she put a few of me on there from before. I had the same sort of reaction you describe looking at a particular picture. It was a family picture from my husbands side, and there I was, looking the absolute best I could look, but huge. Literally huge. I had on a pretty teal colored sweater, and it really stands out in that picture....and it just makes me a little sick to see it. I took up so much space in the picture, literally the same amount of space as 2 people. Now I am half the size I used to be. That picture was one of about 50-60 on a very full board, but somehow I feel like that one 4x6 print dominates the board. That's how I used to feel all the time, that my size made me the negative center of attention.

On a more positive note, people came to the party and some that I haven't seen in a year didn't recognize me! People I invited came and walked right past me, lol. So, I try not to dwell on how things used to be, because you can't change the past. It is what it is, and the future is so much brighter. I'm glad it's only a distant memory and I'm not living it everyday any more.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I hear you. I come from a family of "big girls" and I know I was not the only one in the family photos....but I also know that at least 50%of the time I was on some kind of diet... and it just did not make a dent in it, and I got so tired of paying attention to some plan, and not being able to just "be me". I swore off calorie counting for good at one point... hahaha. That plan did not work so well either...

[swimbikerun 1,048]

Try coming from a family of big girls and then be small. I get a lot of jokes. A lot of hurtful comments. I didn't ask for the complications that set in and when I do nothing but encourage them to be healthy - even they've recognized that - it can be something else.

You learn a lot. A whole lot.

On top of that I had a non supportive surgeon (the office was, he was a totally different story).

[LivingFree! 478]

Hi vogue--

You are making PERFECT sense! I'm so glad you posted this right at the time when you really needed to. I could so much feel that particular emotion you were conveying. And from the other posts here, I think we are all in the same company. It is just a profound sadness that sometimes (for me anyhow) we just have to let ourselves feel for awhile (for me--even still today, after 3 years). I HOPE you know that it is totally okay and normal to feel those feelings, and that you are not beating yourself up in any way BECAUSE you are feeling them.

I don't know if my overall grief for all the pain and ridicule that I endured as a little girl and throughout my life as a result of my obesity will EVER be completely resolved. But I have been so fortunate to have had tons of therapy that has taught me how to live a very joyful and fulfilling life post-WLS, and remember that-- that was THEN and this is NOW.

You've got your old jeans--you know where they are--you'll do your before/after photo when you're ready. No rush. It may not be the time yet. For some of us (me) there IS A LOT of emotion connected with the "fat" clothes. I DID take a clothesline picture of my size 44 jeans hanging next to my size 6 jeans, but I STILL haven't done my putting on that size 44 jeans pic.

Sorry you were feeling sad, but hope you are back to CELEBRATING YOU again by now!