I am two years out - almost. I used to post more regularly but as time has gone by I guess I lurk far more than I post.

I have been a caretaker for my mom for a few years as she has faced two metastatic cancers known to be terminal from the start. In that time, however, she has done really well and we have enjoyed trips together and relished every moment.

Just under two weeks ago I got married. A week later my mom's health took an abrupt turn for the worse. Now, I have been told she has only weeks to live. For the next few days I have some family support. After that, while I will have hospice to help me with pain management etc, they do not provide any care in the home.

Yesterday I fainted from dehydration and probably also not eating enough. It has been so hard to pull myself away, as she is suffering and I am the only one who can give medications and am in charge of all narcotics. (This is necessary as she can not manage meds herself and we need to have only one contact person for a few reasons including fear of accidental overdose if any miscommunication occurs and also to ensure that the narcotics are not stolen).

I am hoping that hospice can help me with some ideas. We don't live in a large city so hospice here doesn't have the array of services one might hope for and there are no inpatient hospice units. She will not be going back to the hospital for any reason.

So. I don't know. I guess I am babbling a bit. My weight drops and drops. 20 lbs in 2 months. I am 2 lbs from being in the underweight category by BMI - and that was all muscle loss. My physical fitness has gone out the window as I can't eat enough to exercise. I am exhausted. At 38 years old I haven't dealt with end of life issues before and have certainly never been the primary caregiver for someone in this circumstance.

I feel like I know the answers - make myself drink juices, Protein drinks, whole milk, half and half and heavy cream in order to get in enough calories to survive the next few weeks. That is the only way I am absolutely positive I know I can get calories quickly and efficiently. Actual eating seems to be more a once a day occurrence if I have the luxury of the time in addition to the energy to make it happen. Mostly I just want to curl up by my mom and try to BE with her and comfort her. If anyone has some concrete ideas, suggestions because they have been there, or words of support that would be great. As far as suggesting I get counseling - I have that covered. That said, I feel a great sense of peace about everything I have said and done, and the way that I have transformed my life since my mom's diagnosis and in her honor. I just need to survive these next weeks.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad the meds have helped with dizziness. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

Lynda