Should parents be able to smack children in discipline

[flabuless 18]

Hi guys...

I am a mother of two gorgeous children and although I don't smack them...much...the new zealand government wants to legislate that it is illegal for parents to smack children or discipline them in any way. What I want to know is what does everyone think of this...although I dont smack generally I don't believe that the government here should take away my RIGHT to discipline my children in a controlled loving sort of way. So do the poll and post here what you think. You can also read HERE a related news story.

Becky

[Betsyjane 2]

Hmm. There's a difference between legislating about smacking or about "disciplining in any other way". I believe that children don't learn the right think by being hit. I think they learn to be ashamed, afraid, and sneaky. I believe logical consequences can help a child learn while not hurting self esteem.

But I think legislation should be reserved for child abuse, and I wouldn't consider spanking to be child abuse, just poorer parenting.

[missy4gordon 0]

Tell them to look at American children since we started being legislated about disciplining our children... oy..

EXACTLY!!!

[Carlene 12]

I don't know about the rest of you, but I smacked mine when they were going up. I stopped when they reached what I call the "age of reason", meaning the age at which you can reason with them. Actually, most kids would prefer a spanking, and get it over with, rather than a long period of restriction. I never hit my children in the face, or anywhere besides their little tushes.

[Lap_dancer 8]

Tell them to look at American children since we started being legislated about disciplining our children... oy..

Wow! did you say a lot.

........................................................

I work in a public school. The year I began, they had "paddling" that is a student acted out, they got the paddle or three, two or one whack from the vice principal. He did more yelling than anything and the shame of them walking up to the office was merciless but guess how many times he paddled a school population of 800 annually? One, maybe two students.

The fear alone of having to go up there kept many kids inline. Now, take out that paddling and add government intervention and "child abuse"* and you have kids who have time out, loss of priveledge, sent home. Guess what? Behavior is worse than I have ever seen it. I've watched behavior deteriorate over the years.

Parents are so afraid to be parents that they have to schedule play dates to make sure the parents of the other child aren't perverts. It has created an environment of over protectiveness to the detriment of a child's natural development. You have professionals making these statements who perhaps know what a natural limit would be giving instruction to the lay parent who doesn't.

Spanking is effective and there is a difference between whacking a child who knows and understands what they did and one who doesn't. There is a difference between a swat and beating a child. If someone can't remember how many times they spanked their child, that is loss of temper being taken out on a child and that isn't proper discipline. That is abuse.

[musicalmomma 1]

Tell them to look at American children since we started being legislated about disciplining our children... oy..

Ain't THAT the truth!!!!

I didn't answer the poll only because there is a BIG difference between "smacking" and "spanking". Spanking, done without anger, always with prior warning, with discussion before and after about 'why' they are getting a spanking, is NOT child abuse nor poor parenting.

When I hear the word 'smacked', I invision it being done out of frustration and in the heat of the moment. That is not discipline, that is the parent venting on the child.

[Lap_dancer 8]

Ain't THAT the truth!!!!

I didn't answer the poll only because there is a BIG difference between "smacking" and "spanking". Spanking, done without anger, always with prior warning, with discussion before and after about 'why' they are getting a spanking, is NOT child abuse nor poor parenting.

When I hear the word 'smacked', I invision it being done out of frustration and in the heat of the moment. That is not discipline, that is the parent venting on the child.

Excellent point. I did spank my children but not before several warnings, not before a time out, not before a "one last time". If they persisted in doing what it was that they were told not to do, that crossed over from mindless child behavior to willful disobedience.

[smatyas 0]

I was whacked when I did something extremely wrong, my dad got the same as did his dad...

I think a few whacks, tough love, amont other things are needed to help develope young people into responsible adults... Now don't get me wrong and think that I mean getting beat all the time.

I myself can think of 4 times during my younger years when I got a whoopin, but I was a complete terror and deserved it, all 4 of those times. That wasn't excessive, it got the point across, and I think I've turned out better for it.

On the other side of the coin, I see parents all the time that refuse to spank their kids and continually do that counting thing...

EXAMPLE: 1... 2.... I'm serious... stop it now... 1 2 2 1/2 etc.

Seriously.. If that is all I had to deal with as a child, I would have turned out to be a terror, as those kids are. unruly, disrespectful...

"What are you gonna do, put me in time out?"

[ralheit 0]

I don't think that smacking a child is always the answer, but when a child is darting for the street or something else that can be a danger to them, a good smack on the butt hits home a little better than trying to reason with a youngster. Smacking a child for reasonable displinary reasons worked for most of us, and is a big difference compared to parental abuse of a child and as stated before, just look at our kids today since giving your child a smack could end you up in jail for abuse.

[faithmd 14]

To the poll poster, could you clarify what the law is going to say? Does it speak to the term "smacking" or "spanking" or does it merely refer to "physical punishment"? Because I agree, smacking is totally different than spanking, or slapping a hand if a child is reaching for a hot pot.

[Wheetsin 714]

My father would hit me. All it taught me was to be afraid of my father.

My father never really stopped to think what, exactly, he was teaching me. He hit me because he was hit, and he didn't know what else to do. He taught me that I should be afraid of him, and that when dad got mad, Wheetsin gets hit. It never taught me to do or not to do something.

"I was hit and grew up just fine" and "I was not hit and grew up just fine" exist everywhere. So there is no "right way". Maybe there are kids who truly only respond to hitting (and then you have to ask why), but probably that's not the case. I think a lot of people don't know what else to do - they've learned that hitting get results, and have not been adequately trained or experienced in any other approaches. I'm not a parent so I can't say what I do or do not do with my kids, but I would certainly hope that they could grow up to be good people without having to be physically punished via hitting, swatting, spanking, or whatever you want to call it.

As for the legislation - I would *like* to think that a society wouldn't crumble if parents didn't hit children. I would also like to think that anyone who puts themselves in the position of being a parent could find other ways that a fist or hand or branch or belt to get their point across. I can see the argument that, "They're my kids and I will discipline them as I see fit", and I see the argument that, "Hitting does more for the parent than the child" and I can see the argument that, "It is wrong for a 40 year old to hit a 2 year old", and on, and on. But is it something that government should step into -- I'd have to think a bit more before I cast my vote.

*Edited - submitted accidentally, before I was done.

[lynners 0]

I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old. I very rarely spank them. I have spanked my 5 yaer old twice and 3 year old once. I think (and have been told by others) that they are polite and well behaved children. They know that their actions have consequences. For example, they each have two toys to play with now because they wouldn't pick them up w/o constant nagging. They know they can earn toys back by cleaning up after themselves. This has been a huge learning experience for them and I don't even have to mention cleaning up before bed now. Granted, there isn't a lot to cleanup at the moment, but they will each get another 2 toys tomorrow as long as they clean up tonight.

[missy4gordon 0]

My father would hit me. All it taught me was to be afraid of my father.

On the flip side, my father never hit me, but I was terrified of him anyway. Terrified to the point that I avoided him as much as possible, but it had nothing to do with spanking, hitting, etc.

So cases can be made from many different scenarios of how children are affected by their parents regardless of their form of discipline.

:noidea:

[musicalmomma 1]

On the flip side, my father never hit me, but I was terrified of him anyway. Terrified to the point that I avoided him as much as possible, but it had nothing to do with spanking, hitting, etc.

So cases can be made from many different scenarios of how children are affected by their parents regardless of their form of discipline.

:noidea:

This is a REALLY good point. One size does not fit all when it comes to discipline. I have four daughters 18, 16, 7 & 5. They are all wonderful girls, but I learned...maybe not quickly enough...that because they are all individuals, they have to be disciplined as such. One responds to a spanking better than a 'time out' or being grounded (no I do NOT spank the teenagers any more haha!). One responds better to having privileges taken away. I wish I had learned earlier what discipline would have worked better for my 18 year old. Although she is a remarkable young woman, graduated valedictorian of a class of 458, top of her nursing class in college, loves her part time job, is honest, giving and caring...she has some resentments towards me for the forms of discipline I chose. My 16 year old is the care free type personality that forgives easily...she understands that I am human and lets go of it when I blow it.

Anyway, I rambled on to say...our discipline approach should fit the child. And please parents, don't be afraid to tell your child when you're wrong. All four of my sweeties know I will fully admit when I've been wrong and ask them for their forgiveness. Kids tend to think their parents can do no wrong...so when a parent acts badly...they get confused. They need to us to admit that we're flawed and be taught to forgive.

*stepping off the soap box now*

[panda 0]

I agree with smatyas (& others) that spanking is more times than not needed, especially in the early years.

I was spanked as a child (granted, only a few times - after the first few, i would do what my parents asked/not act out because I knew, "if I do/do not do ___________ I'm gonna get a spanking"). I honestly think it helped me.

Now, when I turned 12, spanking didn't work anymore, and my dad realized it. (I hadn't needed one in a few years until that point). THEN AND ONLY THEN was I ready to "be reasoned with" so to speak and get put on "restriction". Before that, even though I was a very smart child, "reasoning" wouldn't have worked, I wasn't old enough to comprehend certain things.

Spanking is different from beating...there is a VERY THICK line between the two. Hand or belt, not in the face, no closed fists. Just a few times will do it.

---

Case in point::

My hubby and I have some friends of ours who didn't believe in spanking (or at least the father didn't). Their 2 year old ruled the house. I mean R-U-L-E-D that house. If she was told to go in her room or that she was in time out as punishment, she'd keep coming out (locking your children up isn't any better than spanking so they couldn't lock her in), and she constantly would say "NO!!" and cross her arms...or even "I WILL NOT BECAUSE I SAID NO!" (or vise versa, depending on the situation)

Guys, a 2 to 3 year old said this to her parents. We dreaded spending time with that child when we would visit.

NOW fast forward a couple years -- Mommy decided to start spanking. The child is a dream now to be around. She behaves and listens to her mom.

So I 100% say that our big problem in America is that somewhere along the line, we started using "time outs" -- look at our crime rates....HELLO. The government should have no say so in how i parent unless I'm abusing my children -- and spanking is not abuse.

*****steps off soapbox now***** :nervous

Hope I didn't offend anyone, but it's a touchy subject with me - government has too much control in how i choose to parent as it is (no children yet, but soon).