The really valuable gift I got from WLS, besides the obvious decrease in lbs, was that I finally learned how to take care of myself. All my life I put others first and short changed myself and my health. Now, I focus on my health and well being, both mental and physical. I'm finding some of my friends and family and co-workers are really having a difficult time with the "new" me. I find myself needing to seek out new friendships at a time when I long for stability. Some of my family relationships are strained. It's not that I intentionally changed, just that it is part of my own growth process and I like myself better this way. In the long run, happier and healthier, I can give more to others in return. But the strain on my relationships is causing a huge amount of stress for me. Everyone loves that I've lost weight, but don't accept that I am now able to put myself first when I need to. And it's a long recovery. I know people who have been supporting me are getting weary. Sometimes I'm weary myself but its a permanent change and I have to continue to adapt. Any hints on how to deal with the stress of changing relationships post-surgery?

You sound like you're doing a pretty good job!

It is a major undertaking to put yourself first when you have spent a lifetime doing the opposite. But you have done that and you are happy with the person you are blossoming into. Others just have to accept that. It's for them to change their response to you, not your response to them.

There's a phrase I love - to make an omelette, there needs to be a frank and open discussion with the eggs! Same for you - time to calmly and quietly explain to those close that you know things are changing because you are growing as a result of your weight loss. But you still love them and value their support.

Remember, this is probably difficult for them because we all get scared when someone starts to move forward - we get scared we're going to get left behind. Maybe some of your family feel like that? Or one of two might be envious of your success...

Whatever you do, stay focused and talk to the people closest to you. But don't let them knock you off your new path. You are to be admired and respected for what you've done... taking care of yourself is a basic sign of moving forward. You go, lady !!!!!

Edited December 31, 201312 yr by Indigo1991

Oh boy, can I ever relate. I get lots of little nasty (not even so bad, but still) asides when I go work out, or get my nails done, or go out with friends. I'm around 85% of the time and running around doing stuff for everybody the majority of the time. And you're right, taking this step is huge. It is basically a surgical way of putting your needs first and focusing on your health and happiness. There is inevitable pushback.

So far, I just continue to explain that these things are what I need; just as I am happy to work to help others obtain what they need most of the time, it is not selfish to also take care of myself. I expect that a true understanding of this will take forever. As a matter of fact, in Hobby Lobby today my family brought me a sign that said something like, "Let me drop whatever I'm doing and help you with that." They thought it was hilarious, and that I should hang it on my door. I said it hit juuuust a little too close to reality and I couldn't condone that sentiment. There was a group, "ooooooooooh!"

You sound like you're doing a pretty good job!

It is a major undertaking to put yourself first when you have spent a lifetime doing the opposite. But you have done that and you are happy with the person you are blossoming into. Others just have to accept that. It's for them to change their response to you, not your response to them.

Thank you so much for your response Indigo1991 - I was so touched. I think this is one of the kindest, most affirming things anyone has said to me since I had surgery. And maybe ever, since I didn't get a lot of affirmation from people as a "fat lady."

...As a matter of fact, in Hobby Lobby today my family brought me a sign that said something like, "Let me drop whatever I'm doing and help you with that." They thought it was hilarious, and that I should hang it on my door. I said it hit juuuust a little too close to reality and I couldn't condone that sentiment. There was a group, "ooooooooooh!"

Wow Fluffnomore that comment about the sign totally hit home. On Christmas morning I opened a gift from a coworker who's been really involved in my surgery and progress. It was bad from top to bottom. The first thing I saw was a bunch of marshmallows and I thought "wow, she found me sugar-free marshmallows!" (duh!) Then I saw a bag of cocoa, I thought the same thing "suger-free cocoa!" Then there was a mug with a picture of a woman saying "Sure, I'd be happy to put my needs last again!" Needless to say, none of it was sugar free and the comment on the mug sent me reelling. This isn't the first time something like this has come up with her. I find myself pushing her away and her trying harder to reach out to me. I suppose I need to take her to lunch (a healthy one!) and just sit down and really talk with her more about my own personal growth that has resulted from WLS, changes beyond the physical ones.

I can totally relate to relationship changes. Luckily my DH has stuck in their with me along with my kids. Thank God for them! I see some other people responding different to me. Oh well. Tough! Here is what I'm happy for. 1. I can keep up with my youngest! 2. I can Run without threatening a heart attack

3. I feel good about me!!! 4. I'm happy for me! 5. Love life even better Years have been added to my life! Happy New Year! All

Edited January 1, 201412 yr by Ballermom