Curious....I can't be the only one...

[Bandista 7,466]

I was molested from age 2 to 14. Physical and emotional abuse from rekatives. Not a pretty story. Without even thinking about it I ate to stay fat to be unattractive so the opposite sex wouldn't find me attractive and once the images and emotions were buried way down deep I was relatively heavy but not to the point of being obese. But I found myself attracted to boys and men and would flirt with them but only with a barrier between me and them. I worked in a drugstore and the counter along with my weight kept them at bay. I was in control. My past buried and forgotten I got married but couldnt do all things a married couple should do and one of those he was a man he couldnt be trusted. Well I couldn't get pregnant (weight I suppose-had endometriosis before anyone even knew the name of it). We adopted two young girls 21 mos old and 34 mos old. Upon raising them I became frightened about them for them and of them. Feelings of the past came rushing back. Just feelings I wasn't sure why or what was making me feel this way. I was a terrible mother or so I thought. After years when I was 30 I finally went to see a dr about my painful endometriosis.

About 5 years later I got an hysterectomy but after the first visit I also saw an endocriniligist that told me of my diabetes and also informed me of my depression. He admitted me that day to the mental ward that afternoon. So today 33 years later after realizing why I was always more comfortable heavy; why I always seemed yelling and screaming. The truth of my abuse came out throught my psychiatrist Teddy. Love that man to death. Anyhow that was many years ago. I was in 97 diagnosed also with bipolar rapid cycling. So the fat part lasted for over 30 years b/c by that time my eating had become habit. Feelings of inadequacies and alot of selfdoubt and thinking everyone was judging me kept me at a standstill. But my children and husband stood by my side through every tantrum and screaming insults lashing out to hurt because I was in physical and emotional pain. Self absorbed. Today banded and losing weight I feel a little better. I did stand on the grave of one of the persons that abused me and ask God to forgive him. The shackles of hatred and emotional turmoil fell off my back the second I said it. I have been steadily getting better. I take quite a few meds to control my bipolar and diabetes, low thyroid and other conditions which keeps me emotionally stable most of the time. But losing weight now doesn't scare me. I'm stronger and that's due in part of forgiving but also to my husband who has done sooooo much to push me to be more open and honest and work at what I wanted to do with no reprecussions of my painful years I'm sure for him as well as my kids. My girls now 35 and 36 understand in part about what happened and bipolar on top of that. Wounds are still somewhat lightly covered but so am I at times. I hope I didn't bore you. I just felt I had to tell my story of defeat and victory. I'm not there yet but I am looking at as a positive move now and looking forward to the day I'm on maintainence. I may always be a little off balance but I try to push myself making small victories with my self esteem. Im positive I'll make it. I'm 63 now so maybe by 65 I'll be a little more forgiving to myself.

Donna, I'm so glad you told your story -- you have conquered so much in your life. Forgiveness is such a powerful act. I could picture you there on the grave of one of your abusers releasing that pain. And I love what you said about forgiving yourself, too. Here's to that -- loving ourselves and forgiving ourselves so we can live our lives fully. Best wishes!