female only Romance vs sex

[CupofJojo 68]

Was you marriage more romantic driven or sex driven before surgery? And what about after??? Going through some pretty tuff emotions right now, I need some help.:-(

[southernsoul 773]

Hmmmm, good question. i guess I always think that if you're feeling the romance then sex is a natural part of that, but I don't personally feel like sex if I'm not feeling affectionate or close to my hubby (which is how I think of romance). Can you be more specific?

[CupofJojo 68]

Hmmmm, good question. i guess I always think that if you're feeling the romance then sex is a natural part of that, but I don't personally feel like sex if I'm not feeling affectionate or close to my hubby (which is how I think of romance). Can you be more specific?

Well being married to a workaholic most of his attention is focused on that. Romance was a big part of our marriage while we were dating. We would go out, take in a movie and basically I was treated as his number one priority. I guess I am concerned about how over the years I have missed it, even more so now that I'm getting more active. I have expressed my feelings, but he feels attacked. So when we are together, he's more interested in telling me about work and sex. I wonder if it might change after surgery.

[Ballermom 803]

Well after Surgery things got even better for me. We have spurts of busy with work as well. Consider being the one to Plan the romantic day.

Edited December 16, 2013 by Ballermom

[CupofJojo 68]

I have actually have. I think I made a mistake posting this.Way to complicated. Anyone know how to delete a post please?

[No game 14,437]

I think part of it may just be the natural progression of the way a lot of marriages go..

Even after losing the weight it there is not time or want from one partner it falls to the wayside.

It doesn't mean lack of love or attractiveness though.

I feel that after losing the weight though I'm more open to some romance and don't shun the idea of going away for the weekend.

Oh I can delete the thread if it really is making you uncomfortable

[CupofJojo 68]

I could really use the support right now. I guess I'm having a have time with the idea of my husband treating me "better" after I have the surgery. Noticing me more, giving me more attention etc. It's kinda messing with my head. With all of the stuff I do, five kids, him, his family and everything else Ive been through. My whole life has been caring for them and I'm virtuously invisible. Is THIS process going to be the one thing that makes me visible again?

[Seela 1,187]

I'm worried about the same thing. It's like, great now that I'm losing weight my husband is more affectionate and that's great but it sort of pisses me off to. I mean I was hoping this would help our relationship and it is but on the other hand I'm still the same person and it shouldn't make a difference. I don't know, it's to soon to know how I really feel about it.

Edited December 16, 2013 by Seela

[No game 14,437]

Wow I just wrote a thread about the invisible non person thing a couple of days ago..

That's a tough one. I'm a year out and I've actually have gotten some kickback lately from my husband and kids wanting the old non person me back.. Not that I'm out doing anything I'm still a stay at home mom. But I'm caring for myself a bit more by taking time and care for myself.

So yes it will help you become visible again to not only them but you. And as you can see they may not like all aspects of it.

My husband loved me anyway he could get me before. So I can't say he's more attracted to me.

But in intimacy he's more attracted to my confidence.

[CupofJojo 68]

I mean to be totally honest, without sounding vein, he's always been attracted to me, physically. But it's just been sexual- minus the romance. I go a whole day, week or weeks without him inquiring how my day was, but still expected to give it up in the bedroom. :-/ I just don't know how I would handle him paying more attention to me... or making an effort to get a babysitter to take me out...or to offer to go grocery shopping etc, when he hasn't been doing that stuff after all this time.

[CupofJojo 68]

I'm worried about the same thing. It's like, great now that I'm losing weight my husband is more affectionate and that's great but it sort of pisses me off to. I mean I was hoping this would help our relationship and it is but on the other hand I'm still the same person and it shouldn't make a difference. I don't know, it's to soon to know how I really feel about it.

EXACTLY!!!! It's like, the stuff he used to do before we got married. I felt like an important treasure that he just HAD to have. But as bad as it sounds, if he just all the sudden starts doing this stuff again after I start loosing and turning heads...what an I suppose to think?

[southernsoul 773]

I'm worried about the same thing. It's like, great now that I'm losing weight my husband is more affectionate and that's great but it sort of pisses me off to. I mean I was hoping this would help our relationship and it is but on the other hand I'm still the same person and it shouldn't make a difference. I don't know, it's to soon to know how I really feel about it.

EXACTLY!!!! It's like, the stuff he used to do before we got married. I felt like an important treasure that he just HAD to have. But as bad as it sounds, if he just all the sudden starts doing this stuff again after I start loosing and turning heads...what an I suppose to think?

OK, now I understand better what you meant in your original post. I agree with both you & Seela, it can be really difficult when you feel like he's paying more attention because your outside has changed. It shouldn't matter, since we're the same on the inside. Nobody should feel invisible, but the truth is that many of us do.

Sometimes I wonder if I needed to feel invisible for some reason. Was I scared to be noticed too much? Why was I more comfortable in the role of the behind-the-scenes person who keeps everything clicking along for everybody else instead of being front & center in my own life? And how much of my getting upset at the hubs for paying more attention to me now is really more about my discomfort with increased attention from everybody else around me? I don't know...I don't have the answers, but it's definitely one of the head trips that a lot of us have to work through as we move along this path.

[CupofJojo 68]

I wonder on average, how many men spend time thinking about their wives in not so much of a sexual manner ALL time. But as a person. Recognizes their wife for who she is and not so much what she DOES.

I'm guilty of taking that role in the relationship. (invisible glue holdin family/house together) But I did it bc I thought that would be the best way for everyone else to get what they needed. In that process I lost my identity and turned to high calorie comfort foods to fill the void. Now that I am getting surgery, I have to remember who I was before.

[CupofJojo 68]

Sometimes I wonder if I needed to feel invisible for some reason. Was I scared to be noticed too much? Why was I more comfortable in the role of the behind-the-scenes person who keeps everything clicking along for everybody else instead of being front & center in my own life? And how much of my getting upset at the hubs for paying more attention to me now is really more about my discomfort with increased attention from everybody else around me? I don't know...I don't have the answers, but it's definitely one of the head trips that a lot of us have to work through as we move along this path.

I guess it's kinda sad but true, sometimes something drastic has to take place in order for a change to occur. :-/

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

I know that for me, my wl affects my exterior portion of me. My DH is loving the visual he has now but I still have to work hard on my inside thoughts and behaviors. I had/have to a lot of work on me (mentally). Marriage is the hardest thing to keep going and needs constant work. From a professional point of view. There is a break down in communication between the 2 of you and perhaps a little bit of counseling can help you reconnect. A safe place where both of you can express yourself and feel safe at the same time.....It's an adjustment in more ways than one.