The Uncomfortable Truth....

[CoffeeGrinDR 148]

When I read the original post on this thread I thought, wow, do you get it. I have to think we each, in our own way, understand the depths and lasting impact of some wounds we have experienced early on.

I grew up in an abusive household and I've done a lot of work with a therapist to get through anger issues but I haven't resolved my weight problems.

I've gone through periods of losing. I have a cycle. I lose weight, I feel better, I meet someone, I get "comfortable", I gain weight, I get upset, I feel worse, I gain weight, the relationship gets rocky, I gain weight, I feel worse, I go through a break up. Repeat.

I'm successful in my career but I have no doubt that I have faced "fat" prejudice in job interviews or with colleagues. I have no doubt that it has held me back in living my life; I have spent so much time getting out of potentially embarrassing situations its what I've lived my life knowing and excelling at: avoiding living.

But when you are the weight I am you worry, you stress, you know that you might not fit in the chair, you worry that you'll bring the wrong seat belt extension; you know it will wind you to have to walk up the hill for the sightseeing, you avoid beach vacations, you would love to sky dive or ride horseback or even run, but you can't; you try to get to meetings early because you worry about having to squeeze into a row for a seat; you don't like being out of breath just from going up two floors with your colleagues when you walk back from lunch; you live in a state where people ski most of the year and you have no ski weekend stories because the thought of even walking in snow is exhausting.

It is so tiring, so exhausting not living.

And so when it is quiet and lonely but safe you are happy but not quite, so you grab that box of swiss rolls and the sugar and the pleasant set of movies make you forget about all the painful moments of being so aware of being the biggest one in the room but being invisible. But the temporary reprieve keeps us caught up where we are.

I don't think I've wrapped my mind around what my life looks like "thin" it's more of: what is my life like? I have no idea. I have been on the sidelines. Yes, I got places, I do things, but everything is always buried in these extra 130 pounds and it is tiring. I've lived in three different countries, I've traveled around the world, I go out and yet I do so always aware of my size.

So, it's time to start thinking differently. Or rather, to stop thinking "fat" and start thinking "worthy" or maybe just to not have to plan everything, control the environment, avoid embarrassment. It's not a secret but we never talk about it. It's the most obvious thing but it creates so many walls that make us invisible.

I'm choosing to live. I think I am afraid of what that will bring. No more sidelines. And there will still be difficult days and tough times and lonely Sunday evenings. And then what do I do? Without the food to soothe and the weight to blame, what does my narrative become?

It's time to start a new story of my life...

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

When I read the original post on this thread I thought, wow, do you get it. I have to think we each, in our own way, understand the depths and lasting impact of some wounds we have experienced early on.

I grew up in an abusive household and I've done a lot of work with a therapist to get through anger issues but I haven't resolved my weight problems.

I've gone through periods of losing. I have a cycle. I lose weight, I feel better, I meet someone, I get "comfortable", I gain weight, I get upset, I feel worse, I gain weight, the relationship gets rocky, I gain weight, I feel worse, I go through a break up. Repeat.

I'm successful in my career but I have no doubt that I have faced "fat" prejudice in job interviews or with colleagues. I have no doubt that it has held me back in living my life; I have spent so much time getting out of potentially embarrassing situations its what I've lived my life knowing and excelling at: avoiding living.

But when you are the weight I am you worry, you stress, you know that you might not fit in the chair, you worry that you'll bring the wrong seat belt extension; you know it will wind you to have to walk up the hill for the sightseeing, you avoid beach vacations, you would love to sky dive or ride horseback or even run, but you can't; you try to get to meetings early because you worry about having to squeeze into a row for a seat; you don't like being out of breath just from going up two floors with your colleagues when you walk back from lunch; you live in a state where people ski most of the year and you have no ski weekend stories because the thought of even walking in snow is exhausting.

It is so tiring, so exhausting not living.

And so when it is quiet and lonely but safe you are happy but not quite, so you grab that box of swiss rolls and the sugar and the pleasant set of movies make you forget about all the painful moments of being so aware of being the biggest one in the room but being invisible. But the temporary reprieve keeps us caught up where we are.

I don't think I've wrapped my mind around what my life looks like "thin" it's more of: what is my life like? I have no idea. I have been on the sidelines. Yes, I got places, I do things, but everything is always buried in these extra 130 pounds and it is tiring. I've lived in three different countries, I've traveled around the world, I go out and yet I do so always aware of my size.

So, it's time to start thinking differently. Or rather, to stop thinking "fat" and start thinking "worthy" or maybe just to not have to plan everything, control the environment, avoid embarrassment. It's not a secret but we never talk about it. It's the most obvious thing but it creates so many walls that make us invisible.

I'm choosing to live. I think I am afraid of what that will bring. No more sidelines. And there will still be difficult days and tough times and lonely Sunday evenings. And then what do I do? Without the food to soothe and the weight to blame, what does my narrative become?

It's time to start a new story of my life...

Awesome, you are well on your way..Congratulations!

[Hidden from view 159]

And there will still be difficult days and tough times and lonely Sunday evenings. And then what do I do? Without the food to soothe and the weight to blame, what does my narrative become?

It's time to start a new story of my life...

Couldn't have put it better myself. My first step? I'm going to get a job.

[ReDbEaN 654]

When I read the original post on this thread I thought, wow, do you get it. I have to think we each, in our own way, understand the depths and lasting impact of some wounds we have experienced early on. I grew up in an abusive household and I've done a lot of work with a therapist to get through anger issues but I haven't resolved my weight problems. I've gone through periods of losing. I have a cycle. I lose weight, I feel better, I meet someone, I get "comfortable", I gain weight, I get upset, I feel worse, I gain weight, the relationship gets rocky, I gain weight, I feel worse, I go through a break up. Repeat. I'm successful in my career but I have no doubt that I have faced "fat" prejudice in job interviews or with colleagues. I have no doubt that it has held me back in living my life; I have spent so much time getting out of potentially embarrassing situations its what I've lived my life knowing and excelling at: avoiding living. But when you are the weight I am you worry, you stress, you know that you might not fit in the chair, you worry that you'll bring the wrong seat belt extension; you know it will wind you to have to walk up the hill for the sightseeing, you avoid beach vacations, you would love to sky dive or ride horseback or even run, but you can't; you try to get to meetings early because you worry about having to squeeze into a row for a seat; you don't like being out of breath just from going up two floors with your colleagues when you walk back from lunch; you live in a state where people ski most of the year and you have no ski weekend stories because the thought of even walking in snow is exhausting. It is so tiring, so exhausting not living. And so when it is quiet and lonely but safe you are happy but not quite, so you grab that box of swiss rolls and the sugar and the pleasant set of movies make you forget about all the painful moments of being so aware of being the biggest one in the room but being invisible. But the temporary reprieve keeps us caught up where we are. I don't think I've wrapped my mind around what my life looks like "thin" it's more of: what is my life like? I have no idea. I have been on the sidelines. Yes, I got places, I do things, but everything is always buried in these extra 130 pounds and it is tiring. I've lived in three different countries, I've traveled around the world, I go out and yet I do so always aware of my size. So, it's time to start thinking differently. Or rather, to stop thinking "fat" and start thinking "worthy" or maybe just to not have to plan everything, control the environment, avoid embarrassment. It's not a secret but we never talk about it. It's the most obvious thing but it creates so many walls that make us invisible. I'm choosing to live. I think I am afraid of what that will bring. No more sidelines. And there will still be difficult days and tough times and lonely Sunday evenings. And then what do I do? Without the food to soothe and the weight to blame, what does my narrative become? It's time to start a new story of my life...

Wow...idk what to say...I'm not an eloquent writer in the least. Your story touched me, so I will say this - start that new chapter and make it all you have ever dreamed but never thought possible - you (we, all of us) are worth it!!

[CrazyJaney 775]

Oh, Coffee!!!! I so completely "get" you! I'm ready too. No more sidelines! This has been such a good thread. Just what I needed.

[Hidden from view 159]

check this out. It brought tears to my eyes.

http://www.ted.com/playlists/77/new_to_ted.html

[BlueSkiesNow 33]

I was fat before I became fat. Eventually my physical appearance matched how I felt on the inside. During high school I was always 140 but felt like I was obese. Hated my body. My rituals with eating began early.... Ohhhhh Snickers bars eating all around the outsides, then the nougat on the bottom. Then each bite after that I would let melt in my mouth. It was like making love to my food. Everything I loved to eat had some sort of ritualized eating pattern associated with it. I always had food battles with my parents. Now I realize it was all about control. I would have to sit at the kitchen table for hours because there were certain foods I refused to eat. I would get nauseous just thinking about them, then and now. Grits, eggs, black eyed peas just a few on a very long list. To this day I don't indulge in those foods, lol. My siblings, cousins and I would have food parties. My idea of course. We all would buy something from the store with our money we'd been saving. Then go on the back porch and divide the goods. We called it a picnic. As a teenager I would by a snack from the store and hide it under my mattress. Depending on how I felt I would finish it in a day or maybe 2, a whole box of Little Debbie Pies. When I moved out on my own at 18 I really settled into my food addiction. Until this point my binges hadn't resulted in weight gain. There was no turning back. I wasn't aware that what I was doing was blocking feelings of low self worth. Giving myself love the only way I knew how. I did not connect all the childhood abuse to my eating. I was just trying to survive. A young adult and teenage mom trying desperately to make ends meet. Too bad it's taken me many more abuses as an adult and reaching the age of 41 to began mending my mind. When you know better you do better. In therapy for a year doing the dance of one step forward two back. Thankful to have just taken a big leap forward.

[No game 14,436]

I was fat before I became fat. Eventually my physical appearance matched how I felt on the inside. During high school I was always 140 but felt like I was obese. Hated my body. My rituals with eating began early.... Ohhhhh Snickers bars eating all around the outsides, then the nougat on the bottom. Then each bite after that I would let melt in my mouth. It was like making love to my food. Everything I loved to eat had some sort of ritualized eating pattern associated with it. I always had food battles with my parents. Now I realize it was all about control. I would have to sit at the kitchen table for hours because there were certain foods I refused to eat. I would get nauseous just thinking about them, then and now. Grits, eggs, black eyed peas just a few on a very long list. To this day I don't indulge in those foods, lol. My siblings, cousins and I would have food parties. My idea of course. We all would buy something from the store with our money we'd been saving. Then go on the back porch and divide the goods. We called it a picnic. As a teenager I would by a snack from the store and hide it under my mattress. Depending on how I felt I would finish it in a day or maybe 2, a whole box of Little Debbie Pies. When I moved out on my own at 18 I really settled into my food addiction. Until this point my binges hadn't resulted in weight gain. There was no turning back. I wasn't aware that what I was doing was blocking feelings of low self worth. Giving myself love the only way I knew how. I did not connect all the childhood abuse to my eating. I was just trying to survive. A young adult and teenage mom trying desperately to make ends meet. Too bad it's taken me many more abuses as an adult and reaching the age of 41 to began mending my mind. When you know better you do better. In therapy for a year doing the dance of one step forward two back. Thankful to have just taken a big leap forward.

"I was fat before I became fat"

Wow I so relate to this. It still resonates today...

You describe this so well, including to rituals of food and love.

[BlueSkiesNow 33]

I was fat before I became fat. Eventually my physical appearance matched how I felt on the inside. During high school I was always 140 but felt like I was obese. Hated my body. My rituals with eating began early.... Ohhhhh Snickers bars eating all around the outsides, then the nougat on the bottom. Then each bite after that I would let melt in my mouth. It was like making love to my food. Everything I loved to eat had some sort of ritualized eating pattern associated with it. I always had food battles with my parents. Now I realize it was all about control. I would have to sit at the kitchen table for hours because there were certain foods I refused to eat. I would get nauseous just thinking about them, then and now. Grits, eggs, black eyed peas just a few on a very long list. To this day I don't indulge in those foods, lol. My siblings, cousins and I would have food parties. My idea of course. We all would buy something from the store with our money we'd been saving. Then go on the back porch and divide the goods. We called it a picnic. As a teenager I would by a snack from the store and hide it under my mattress. Depending on how I felt I would finish it in a day or maybe 2, a whole box of Little Debbie Pies. When I moved out on my own at 18 I really settled into my food addiction. Until this point my binges hadn't resulted in weight gain. There was no turning back. I wasn't aware that what I was doing was blocking feelings of low self worth. Giving myself love the only way I knew how. I did not connect all the childhood abuse to my eating. I was just trying to survive. A young adult and teenage mom trying desperately to make ends meet. Too bad it's taken me many more abuses as an adult and reaching the age of 41 to began mending my mind. When you know better you do better. In therapy for a year doing the dance of one step forward two back. Thankful to have just taken a big leap forward.

"I was fat before I became fat"

Wow I so relate to this. It still resonates today...

You describe this so well, including to rituals of food and love.

It amazes me how similar we all are. Although a rarely post I always feel at home here. Reading everyone's experiences and insights have gotten me through...especially yours LV

[Sleeved in Seattle 280]

Oh you guys. I want to hug every one of you until I've made everything better.

I've been feeling lonely because I can't log on to the site during the day anymore, can't keep up with everyone. I'm missing threads like these that build bonds between us all.

And I feel like I'm backsliding. I'm working out and running, and I keep eating too much, like the one justifies the other.

There's too much to say, too much to do, and not enough time in the day any more.

I'm feeling cut off and I LOVE this discussion want to contribute more. Arg, whine and boo me.

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Don't be lonely, honey. We're all here... lurking and loitering and spending inordinate amounts of time talking piffle and puff.. Although, admittedly, not on this thread!

We miss you, too!

Stop working for a living and come hang out more x

[No game 14,436]

Yes we miss you...

Quit that stupid job! What kind of job doesn't let you check in here all day??

Edited December 12, 2013 by laura-ven

[Sleeved in Seattle 280]

Stupid large cell-phone provider company and sharing a tiny office with two other people.

I'm tearing off fingernails, chewing on my cuticles, just stressing in general. I need this site to help me cope!

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

Are you starting to feel like you're in some sort of Orwellian nightmare?!

[ReDbEaN 654]

Stupid large cell-phone provider company and sharing a tiny office with two other people. I'm tearing off fingernails, chewing on my cuticles, just stressing in general. I need this site to help me cope!

I know the feeling!!!