struggling big time - help! (sorry, but this is long)

sleepyjean · January 23, 2007

I need a kick in the pants, or some encouragement, or hypnosis, or...SOMETHING. I've been kicking my own self in the pants for about a month and it's not working. Please bear with me as I spill my guts here. I hate to burden you all with my issues, but I'm terrified by my behavior and pretty much hating myself these days.

Basically, I am out of control. So far in my bandster journey, I've been able to lose a little over half of my weight without really trying. I didn't exercise, but I didn't feel like eating much and the weight pretty much came off by itself. I knew I'd eventually have to put some work into it, but I didn't think about it much. (Dumb, I know)

But ever since Xmas, it's a whole new ballgame. Something clicked inside my head and all of a sudden, the compulsion to eat eat eat is back with a vengeance - just like the pre-band days. I'm usually not hungry, and I sometimes eat to the point of pain, and my food choices have been dismal. I tried exercise a couple of times, but can't seem to get back into the habit. Every day I say I'm going to wake up at 5am and exercise - but then I don't do it. (I've been having a major insomnia issue lately, and am usually falling asleep around 3 am) Then I tell myself I'll work out after work, but I usually feel crummy after work (I kind of hate my job) and have a couple of hours of work to do for some volunteering that I do. I wind up scarfing something down while I'm working on my computer. Afterward, I always feel terrible about myself and frustrated that I can't figure out what's WRONG with me. After all I went through to get banded, why am I doing this? I know what it's like to be 70 pounds heavier than I am now. It sucked! So why am I doing my damndest to get back there?

Why am I freaking out now that I actually have to *work* to make this happen? I have this major internal struggle because this feels like I'm putting myself on a diet and exercise regimen just like the old days - and in the old days, I failed every single time. Why would this be any different? If I fail this time too, I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to try again. I might as well lay in bed and get as fat as I can.

I thought I would just go get a fill and that would fix my eating issue, but now I kind of doubt it. I don't get what's happening. I have 1cc in a 4cc band and up through December, that was plenty. I do have some restriction now, but I can still pack away a ton of food - way more than a cup of food in one sitting. I suspect that even with another fill, I'll still be able to eat too much - or that I'll try, and wind up hurting myself. I have a fill scheduled for the 31st, but I'm anxious because my doc only does fills before noon and I tend to be much tighter in the mornings. I wish I could go in the afternoon when it feels like my band is wide open. In any case, I have a whole long week to wait, and stew about it, and eat like there's no tomorrow. I hate this.

Well...it looks like my frustration has once again devolved into whining and complaining. I hate the fact that I can't do this on my own, but I'm desperate so I'm asking for help. Somebody PLEASE help me get my s@*# together.

Marimaru · January 23, 2007

Hey there,

I think everyone crashes now and then. I'm kind of mid-crash myself and needing to get back in gear. I find when I am eating, but not hungry, I need to occupy my hands with something. I'm not very good at it, but I try to crochet when I am in front of the TV n' stuff, so that my hands are busy.

Maybe you should dive a little deeper into the idea that you hate your job. You spend alot of time where you work, so it's best not to stay at a place that you hate. Is it a realistic idea to look for a new job? It kind of sounds like you've gotten into a round of depression that you need to pull out of.

My best recommendation is to take things one at a time. Tackle working out, or how much you are eating, or what you are eating, or what is bothering you at work, or why you aren't sleeping. Don't try and deal with all of these things at once, it's just too much!

Regarding the fill, I think it's rather smart what your doctor does. If I went for a fill on a day when I feel wide open, I would be completely closed off on one of the days where I'm 'all liquids tight', you know?

Hope this helps a little.

juliegeraci · January 23, 2007

First of all, you need to stop blaming yourself and get off the wagon so to speak. You can do this. Recommit yourself now..today! Go in for that fill and just suck it up as to what has happened. Don't be hard on yourself, especially about exercise. Just remember how bad you felt 70 lbs heavier. We are all banded for the same reason...to lose weight. Just remember why you were banded. Go to a support group if your doctor has one. Talk on this forum as much as you need to. Stop the cycle now. You can do this.

sophrosyne · January 23, 2007

Really, I gotta say, who wants to work out? It's boring and smelly. (IMO). Instead of pushing yourself to work out, find a physical activity that you enjoy. Horseback riding, dancing, walking, swimming, golf, tennis, whatever. And treat yourself to doing that.

That way, you're looking forward to it, instead of cringing at the thought of another "workout" and then beating yourself up when you miss it. The reason you're eating, IMO, is because you're attempting to punish yourself with food.

Odd, I know. But think about it... Punishment for not working out, punishment for staying at a job you hate, punishment for letting yourself down. But punishment in a comforting way - through the comfort of bad for you but tasty food.< /p>

So, you need to break the cycle of punishment. Start rewarding yourself with fun activities that you normally might not splurge on. Go trail riding. Or put on the oldies and dance in the house. If you lose another 10 lbs, reward yourself with a spa day. Or a pedicure. Or a massage. Something wonderfully relaxing and decadent, and not food-related.

Once you feel better about yourself, and you start naturally being more active, you'll get back on track.

warmmorningsun · January 23, 2007

Hi sleepyjean :wave:

My heart goes out to you because I think I've been where you are and thought some of the same things you have written here. I don't know if I can help but I wanted to say a few things...

I hate to burden you all with my issues, but I'm terrified by my behavior and pretty much hating myself these days.

First, this board is made to support each other and throw our issues out there, so there's no burden. It's why we all come here: ask for help when we need it and give it when we can.

So far in my bandster journey, I've been able to lose a little over half of my weight without really trying. I didn't exercise, but I didn't feel like eating much and the weight pretty much came off by itself. .

I also have experienced this; it's been great. I think it's because our restriction has been good up to this point and it's made it easier to accomplish.

Every day I say I'm going to wake up at 5am and exercise - but then I don't do it. (I've been having a major insomnia issue lately, and am usually falling asleep around 3 am)
Afterward, I always feel terrible about myself and frustrated that I can't figure out what's WRONG with me. After all I went through to get banded, why am I doing this? .

I look at 5am and think "Wow, that's requiring a lot of yourself...how realistic is it that you can maintain that pace?" I'm not a subscriber to the belief in pushing yourself to the limit. I've never been one to get any enjoyment from that, and have never felt impressed enough with myself to value achieving it....

Why am I freaking out now that I actually have to *work* to make this happen? I have this major internal struggle because this feels like I'm putting myself on a diet and exercise regimen just like the old days - and in the old days, I failed every single time. Why would this be any different? If I fail this time too, I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to try again. I might as well lay in bed and get as fat as I can..

We are all going to fail again. Failure to me is falling off the wagon, cheating, not being 'accountable', etc. If you fail at this, it doesn't mean that you have failed the entire effort. It means you start again. The difference between this time and the times before is that you have this amazing medical tool that will hopefully make it easier for you to see results than before. But if the results don't impress you, and you "fail" again, it's okay. Start again sweetie.

have 1cc in a 4cc band and up through December, that was plenty. I do have some restriction now, but I can still pack away a ton of food - way more than a cup of food in one sitting. .

I was told by my MD that your stomach shrinks as you lose weight; which means that 1cc may have been fine for you 70 lbs ago, but no longer will it do the same trick as before. YOu may need more restriction now.

Well...it looks like my frustration has once again devolved into whining and complaining. I hate the fact that I can't do this on my own, but I'm desperate so I'm asking for help. Somebody PLEASE help me get my s@*# together.

Whine and complain, it's what this board is for - to vent, get heard, ask for help, etc. Don't hate yourself because you need help. EVERYONE needs help. Some more or less than others, some in different ways, but we all need help.

I guess my whole point to my post is that you have to be good to yourself girl. Give yourself a break. This band is not an answer for all of the things that make us imperfect. It's helping us to get healthy and to find some respect for ourselves. But the band alone isn't going to do that. If you lose all of your weight you will still have to work on how hard you treat yourself, your desire to do things on your own, and the unavoidable truth of failing when you expect perfection from yourself.

Go to your doc, get a small fill and ease up little by little to good restriction again. Look at all that you have done: you made an amazing choice for yourself to live longer and enjoy that time; you've lost 70 lbs (70! that is amazing - would you think otherwise if anyone else told you they had lost 70?); you have asked for help (something that you might normally have a hard time asking for); you are successful and you're going to be successful.

marjon9 · January 23, 2007

To me it seems like part of the problem is that you are putting your attention on everything wrong when there is so much going right. With the same facts you could also write a success story:

In just 9 months you've lost 70 pounds! And you didn't even have to exercise. In fact, it was easy for you. You even made it through the holiday season without gaining it back. That is fantastic! Give yourself some credit!

I think that if you focus heavily on this feeling of failure and on everything going wrong you are more likely to have all that bad stuff come to pass. The more you sort of "wallow" in it the more likely it is that these problems will increase and become entrenched.

I know it is not easy, but I think your best plan is to take a deep breath, shift your attention away from this feeling of desparation, get involved in living your life so you don't have time to focus on this stuff. Give yourself some credit for what you have done. Go ahead and get your fill, and just move forward one day at a time.

All that may be easier said than done, but what other way is there?

bexleygal · January 23, 2007

I think you need a fill. 1 cc is not alot all. Get into see your doctor asap. Canyou up your appt? I have done that when I can eat more I call my doctor.

When you hate your job it makes you miserable. I have been there before. Focus on yourself. Get another fill, then another after that. Keep going until you find your sweet spot!!!

kelli · January 23, 2007

I have to say I agree with everyone on the fill...got get it girl! I think things will fall into place once you have restriction. If you can eat WAY more than one cup at a sitting it's time to do something about it. You can do this! You have lost seventy pounds!!!! That is so awesome, and to maintain it through the holidays...how impressive is that? The one other thing that popped into my head when I was reading your post was that maybe it would help to go for a short walk or up and down the stairs while you are at work. ( on your lunch hour, or just before work...it would be some exercise and it might help with the stress at work) Just a thought. :huggie: Keep your chin up, YOU CAN DO THIS! You have an amazing tool to help you as well!

ser123 · January 24, 2007

I agree about the fill. I also agree with warmmorningsun about expectations. And I think saphrosyne had some really good insight about the mental issues behind eating.

I know I have a lot of mental issues around eating and I am only becoming aware of how ingrained they are. Losing a handle on that is always really stressful for me.

Once I get the munchies I am not able to control myself around food. That is where the band and fills come in, right? You have a band, don't be afraid to use it!

You have made great progress. It is my hope with the band that I will be able to lose weight without being miserable. I guess I don't think that is an unreasonable expectation with the band based on what I have read.

Good luck! We are all pulling for you.

sleepyjean · January 24, 2007

Thanks so much everyone I really appreciate it. I had this bubble of panic in my chest and it just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Reading all of your responses let the air of that bubble and now I can breathe again. It helps to come to such a positive place and be reminded that everyone struggles and that it is possible to overcome that. It's time to press my mental "reset" button.

You are all right - I need to take this one day at a time and realize that there are going to be times when this is hard and I have to accept that and learn to deal with it. The idea of perfection is something I've struggled with my whole life. My shrink says this too - I need to learn how to relax and be more gentle with myself. I've never really grasped the concept though. If I'm not supposed to strive for perfection, does that mean I should strive for mediocrity and be happy with"so-so" results? I feel like if I don't focus on what's wrong, I'll never fix it! And I worry that relaxing my attitude would land me right back where I started. Basically, if I'm not worrying, I worry about the fact that I'm not worrying. So I worry all the time, LOL. Now you see why I have a shrink!

The feeling of total panic has subsided, but I still have some work to do. So I will heed your advice and try to think about the good things and focus on today - JUST today. not everything I've screwed up over the past month and not how 100% perfect I need to be over the next year. I'm going to get that fill next week, and in the meantime, try to be a little less mental. I guess the only way to get better at handling the hard times is through lots of practice.

One of the few useful things I got from a weight watchers leader was this: "When you are having a bad week, you need this group. But when you are having a good week, the group needs YOU." I'm going to get back on track and hopefully I will be able to come back here and help everyone else the way you've all helped me.

warmmorningsun · January 24, 2007

The idea of perfection is something I've struggled with my whole life. My shrink says this too - I need to learn how to relax and be more gentle with myself. I've never really grasped the concept though. If I'm not supposed to strive for perfection, does that mean I should strive for mediocrity and be happy with"so-so" results? I feel like if I don't focus on what's wrong, I'll never fix it!

Someone said something to me that makes so much sense about perfection. She said "if you expect yourself to be perfect all the time, you're expecting that you don't make mistakes. Isn't that a bit arrogant? We're all wrong sometimes".

I am not calling you arrogant! (please don't read that). What I am saying is that we all screw up. I think striving for perfection is fine; as long as you understand that when you don't quite hit it, you can still make an "A". Kind of like getting a 94% and getting an A and getting 100% and getting an A. It's still an A.

Girl, you have done so much in the last few months! You are so far ahead of where you were 9 months ago. You are 70 lbs lighter. You are going to have days when you do nothing but eat crap; you're going to have days when you do nothing but good, too.

I have to remind myself that I am no different than my 5 year old. If I constantly point out what she does well, she feels good about herself. If I constantly point out what she screws up, she's going to feel horrible. We're the same way.

You're going to do great, you have done great, you are great. Hold on and keep going!

BabyGotBack · January 24, 2007

I know that the word "diet" is a four letter word, but the South Beach Diet goes hand in hand with the bandster rules we are supposed to be following. You don't have to give up food groups, just make healthier choices, like whole wheat Pasta, whole grain bread, instead of white flour products. There are recipes for cheese cake too!

Whenever I did South Beach, the way of eating naturally curbed my appetite since you don't get those spikes in blood sugar.

We are starting a South Beach Challenge on Saturday if you'd like to join!!

If not, that's okay too!!!

I also, am pre fill, so now that my restriction has let up, I am taking an appetite suppresant to get me through to my first fill. It is just a "tool" I will use until I am stable.

I am personally going to use all the "tools" I can to be successful. The difference this time, is the band will help me maintain, once I get to goal.I have never been able to maintain a loss, but this time it will be different!!!

Just take one day at a time!

I come here for support everyday and that helps me get through the tough times. I also journal everything I eat and all my feellings. That helps me too!!!

You have had great success and will continue to do so!!!!

We are all here for you!