gain goal regain How was your 5:2 day today?

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

well, they have decided that I can be "allowed" to work, so it looks like I really am going to be here in KS for another 5 weeks  It is nearly 100 degrees and at least 50% humidity, and the commute it about 45 minutes one way

That just really sucks. They know you're ill and they obviously don't care.

How long can they keep you before you can be completely done with them?

 

Let me know if you need anything.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I think you are onto something. I thought I had mastered this but clearly I have not. I have suffered huge losses - I was so close to my mom and my younger sister - when they passed in '04 and '07 respectively it did turn me upside down and inside out.

I am not turning to food for solace now - but rather forcing myself to eat since I know i must. I learned my lesson on that one, skipping eating makes you feel like crap and actually contributes to depression. Well, as I force myself to eat i notice myself "Wolfing" down food and I don't know why. I never do that! I mentioned it to my counselor and she asked me how I feel, what is my emotional state and I told her I honestly don't know. I don't feel anything. I suspect that the wolfing of food (which makes me feel like crap too BTW) is me trying to burying those feelings with food in a different way.

I am now being very deliberate... and it helps alot if I eat with other people. This goes back to the lonely thing or rather the thing where if it is just for me, some how preparing and enjoying nice food doesn't matter. I ate with my best freind last night and tonight I am taking kiddo out to eat after we go visit Betty in the hospital. I am working very hard to maintain a normal relationship with food and eating even if I have to "force" the situations.

Wow, how did we get so messed up? Here we are a group of competent, sufficient and successful women and we resort to this and can't even tell someone how we feel.

BTW, the best thing that happened out of all this is I am really done with Steven. I don't hate him or anything but his inability to even listen to how heartbroken I am just made me realize I cannot deal with someone who is just so emotionally unavailable. It became all about him - I am in the middle of a freaking nightmare and he wanted to talk about a couple of mere aquaintances who died recently that upset him. He told me he couldn't stand me talking about illness or death and I wasn't allowed to even refer to it - WTF? How can someone tell me that I am not allowed to speak about something (I had hardly even discussed it at that point so it is not like I had been dumping it on him for hours or anything). I asked him to leave my home and he got very angry with me and broke up by text. I was done anyway and thank goodness he did it so it saved me from having to say the words. Yes, it is a loss but I am okay with it. I am sure I will grieve it a little, but I had gotten over him before and I have to honestly say I never believed it would work when he suggested we try "starting over" which is probably part of the reason it didn't stand a chance....I just didn't trust him with my heart and I think for good reason. Sigh. Too bad the sex was just soo good - like best ever in my whole life kind of thing. Just a chemistry between us. That is the main thing that just drew me back over and over and i think the same for him actually. We were a lousy couple outside of that.

I too am so sorry to hear of such heavy losses that so many here are experiencing. Taking good care of ourselves is so important, Denise has wise words. I learn so much about self care from all of you, especially during times like these - so many times it feels like it is a skill I never learned how to do - at least authentically, for me. Medicating with food and hiding seemed to ease huge pain.

/comfort to us all. I am very afraid for when my mom leaves this world - I know it will turn me inside out forever.

Thanks for the kind words Kim - I think I am finally starting to recover from the madness of this last years work teaching.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Just out of curiosity Sheryl, was Steven uh .... um ... well, ENDOWED? It can be difficult to walk away (heh heh) from such ... bounty *snort* *cough*

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Just out of curiosity Sheryl, was Steven uh .... um ... well, ENDOWED? It can be difficult to walk away (heh heh) from such ... bounty *snort* *cough*

Uhhh..yes... and no freaking ED issues, amazing tongue, told me how hot I am, ladies first, really appreciative and yes well endowed, 6'2" athletic, full head of mixed but mostly dark hair, broad shoulders, narrow hips, and no huge gut... dammit. .. why did I let him get away??? (That was a joke )

[Georgia 2,908]

Kim, just sending out thoughts and prayers your way this morning.  I was the only one with my Mom when you passed Christmas Day 2009.  Miss her more now than ever.  So glad you have had the time to spend with her and your Dad and the precious memories you will treasure forever!  Love to you.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

So, I want to let you know, I am doing okay. Life sucks right now, but I feel sad for reasons, not depressed or anxious. It helps that I can do things to help... like visit Betty, like deal with some business she can't do.

I am trying to learn more about myself from these experiences. My counselor asked me point blank if my life only feels important when I am helping/supporting/doing for others. It is a good question, one I am not sure the answer. I mean, I have lots of fun, probably more than most women my age, but I sometimes feel adrift. A crisis or somebody needing me gives me focus - and my mother was exactly like that so it is something to think about.

I also notice a complex relationship with food emerging. I am not really overeating to deal with stress, but i am eating a different pattern so I definately still have some degree of food addiction. I am simply observing right now, trying to learn more about myself in hopes I can then address it rather than bury it - sort of what Kelly brought up earlier.

Kim - thinking of you, losing my mom was just so sad. My best friend lost her mother recently and it made me feel bad for her too. I loved their attitude - her mom was like "I am old and this is what happens when you are 86". I hope I have that kind of grace when I am facing it. Still such a loss.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Kim, I am glad that you got to be with your Mom when she passed, I wish I - or someone - had been with my Father, it still hurts that he was alone...

I am at "work" writing this, yesterday I read a novel, today I knitted till I ran out of yarn. wtf. I have been eating like crap, even though I know it causes me damage, moreso than just the scale, due to my condition. I liken it to the diabetic who is about to have a foot amputated yet is still stuffing doughnuts....

Trying to find positivity in the muck, some highlights are getting to see friends, getting to dance with my old tango people, going to my favorite yarn shop, and having an office schedule is incredibly helpful in controlling my eating. Fasting is almost easy when I have an office to do it in. So far I've had coffee, Protein Shake, low-fat milk, and a serving of almonds. I hope dinner will be some rotisserie chicken on a green salad and maybe dessert will be some cherries. That will probably put me well over a fasting amount of cals but considering what I have BEEN eating (oh the embarassment!) this will be a step in the right direction!

[BrownDoesAll 409]

Hi ladies. No posts from anyone in four days? Very strange. Were did everyone go? Iwent to the aquirium with my family. My phone won't let me post a pic.

Stay strong ladies!

[swizzly 901]

I've been trying to follow along, but am still overwhelmed in life and not taking care of myself.

Kim, I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. Many hugs to you. Hope you are doing okay in the circumstances. I lost my dad to melanoma back in 2000 and I still have times I just want to talk to him.

Sheryl, sorry to hear about Betty and the stuff that is dredging up for you. Glad you got shot of Steven, though -- I can't believe how self-absorbed he is. That's a no-go in any kind of meaningful partnership, good sex aside.

Florinda, am astounded that they made you go back to work like that. Crazy!! I know what you mean about work/the office providing some routine/framework to make it easier to eat right. I wish I didn't need that, but I do. But then, work is also making me crazy, so it's a double-edged sword for sure.

I wrote a long email to my friends about what's gone on in the past year and it was shocking to me to see it all in black and white. Just...too much. Way too much. I'm past the end of my tether. And last week, we had to put our dog down, which has made me completely depressed. I miss him so much.

I'm just not doing well. I guess I took it for granted cos I had such a relatively easy time of things the first few years post-op. But it's all catching up with me now. I feel fat, I am fat -- I have gained nearly 8 kg above my low weight, which is about 17 lbs. My clothes are tight, my muffin top spilleth over. I feel like shit. I don't sleep well. I don't eat well. Haven't been to the gym in months.

I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how to articulate it any better than that. I'm just not coping well. And I started smoking again, and I drink too much, and and and. I'm scared, if I'm honest. I feel like I can't count on myself, if that makes any sense -- and that is not how I normally feel, to say the least.

Anyhow. I do think of you all, all the time. I read the new posts, usually a few days later, but I do read them. I hope we will all get through the rough Patches intact.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Swizz - Steven can sound like the bad guy but he really isn't. When we met he made it very clear he was a terrible boyfriend and at the time I wasn't looking for a "boyfriend" and I can only say he was key in me transforming how I see myself. He made me feel like a beauty queen when I was 20# heavier and pre plastics. He will always take no credit for that, telling me I feel that way because I "am" beautiful and sexy and desirable woman. Funny that I have NEVER EVER felt that way in my life and it gives me a self confidence in that aspect of my life that I think normal women have in their 20s. I cannot explain how big of a deal that gift is to me. After losing weight, if men looked at me I assumed they were thinking how disgusting I looked or that I was dressed wrong, or my face looked saggy and old or something like that. It was Steven who fundamentally helped me see myself as a woman with assets that men should be knocking down my door to get a chance at. Okay, maybe a little over the top, but you know what I mean. The problem with Steven is that we got attached, I am not sure he is capable of "love" in the way most people think of it, but he actually gets pretty torn up by things in our "relationship". It is like the stress of not being able to do something you know you should do - that brings out the worst in me and I think it does in him too- that inner conflict. I finally just said "enough" because no matter how good the intentions he will never be able to make me feel satisfied in even a "limited" relationship. It was great, but it needs to be over. What that does is open up space in my heart for something else. He is also anxiety provoking due to his "issues" and he doesn't even realize that he dumps a crapload of worries on me everytime we talk lately. I always think I am pretty good about handling that, but ya know, it really rubbed me wrong when he told me I wasn't allowed to talk about death, illness or anything sad when I know that he constantly vents to me about shitty things in life. Again, he isn't evil or have bad intentions, he just has pretty severe issues in spite of his many assets and charms. So, no regrets, time to move forward. I am still a little messed up myself, but I think I can be honest about my own "emotional"issues and find eventually a guy who is more emotionally healthy and can deal with me just fine since I am not batshit crazy, just a little off kilter at times..haha. We all got issues of some sort, the key is "can you live with it"

Okay, here is what I want to really talk about though. Swizz, I don't know your whole story but I have realized a "delayed reaction" to the weight loss and not overeating myself. It manifests in different ways, but I suspect similiar underlying issues. During the weight loss phase I remember people who went nuts missing food. I didn't. I was so "over" food as a friend or comfort or whatever I would have been happy if I never had to eat again. I really felt that way and in general the weight loss phase was a determined march and satisfying progress.

I hit goal in Feb 2013 and my anxiety really started amping. I fixated on being scared of plastic surgery and my nightmare of a relationship with my EX ending (nightmare because I wanted so badly to feel like a desirable and loved woman and he just ignored me). I still loved him and in truth I still love my EX now - he is a good man - but of course I am unwilling to live with a partner who treats me like a sister or a roommate - I want to feel loved like a woman by a man (see the Steven connection here?).

Even so, tremendous stress, pain and anxiety. Then, I had the plastics, and EX moved out and I thought well... sadness then I move on. That is when I realized that I had self medicated that anxiety with food for heaven knows how long. Then, I switched to exercise as a coping mecanism which is somewhat healthy but what do you do when you can't peddle a bike long or fast enough to calm your soul? Then, I thought I was just a "medical phobe" and scared of surgery but once that was over I didn't really get better over the long haul. I had an anxiety attack one time skiing, I had anxiety feelings happen just from being alone - like no reason to be anxious, just nothing to focus on.

Anyway, bottom line, it amazes me that here I am 2.5 years out and finally know comprehending the emotional impact that this has had. I no longer desire excess food and in general it gives me no comfort at all. How sad is that, even if I overeat I don't feel anybetter. up a creek without a paddle... So, it has forced me to really face my underlying anxiety.

It took me forever to find a counselor who doesn't think I am nuts, but thinks I have a lifetime of pain and denial that I need to find a way to cope with. I am the classic, put your "shoulder into it" kinda person. If I just work harder, try harder I can solve it.... well, maybe not this time. One aspect of it is that I have so little tolerance for feeling "bad". I am learning slowly that I can feel bad/sad/lonely etc without it turning into something to be anxious about. anyway, my counselor thinks that I can be on this low dose of meds temporarily and wont need it for a lifetime. I just need to learn certain emotional skills that I didn't use before since I self medicated with food.

Anyway, I due wonder if what you are describing are some similiar unresolved issues? It might be just fine that you have gained a little back, not the end of the world. They key is finding a comfortable balance in life - right - being thinner does not guarantee happy now does it? I would hope for you that you find a way to get to the bottom of this because life always has sucky things in it, the key is how to keep living a good life even with people and pets dying, relationships ending etc etc. my heart goes out to you.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Swizz, how I empathize. All of my clothes are too tight, I feel like even my skin is too tight, like I must look like the Michelin Man... I don't want to eat but I do, and then I overeat, trying to feel comfort, but the comfort (however false) just isn't there anymore. All any of us can do is hope that one day (soon!) we will become sick and tired of being so sick and tired, and do something about it. Be gentle and kind and loving to ourselves, remember the many ways to find comfort and solace that aren't at the bottom of the cookie jar.

I had a phone interview today and will have a follow-up skype interview Saturday. The job sounds interesting but they are offering a ridiculously low salary for a ridiculously high work load - $25K a year for 60-80 hrs a week! Preposterous. The kind of commitment and energy they are asking for requires three times that amount, just to reach the level of not insulting...

Does anyone have any ideas about leveraging a job? If this insulting salary job wants me, could I use it to quit this job and get back to Seattle, and then quit the insulting job the second I get a good one? I would like advice please.

Today's food: Syntrax Nectar Cappucino Protein Shake, girls - this is really delish!!!! I made it with Water and a splash of coconut/almond milk.

a serving of blue diamond butter toffee almonds

salad: greens, chevre, heirloom Tomato, broiled chicken, cucumber, basil

dinner will probably be more of that salad and maybe some sardines in olive oil.

I miss my boyfriend, I just need his touch and I can't replace that with food.< /p>

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry Sheryl Florinda and Dee, that you're struggling. Sometimes life just sucks and it's all we can do to put one foot in front of the other.

 

I'm still in Chicago and we have been eating in fancy restaurants for the last week and I'm freaked out because I can't weigh myself.  It's been really hard not to overeat because my brother and SIL don't know about the surgery so they're always wanting me to eat more. Plus they won't let me pay for anything and I feel guilty when the waiter takes my plate away and it looks like I ate nothing.

 

I go home on Wed. but I'll probalby have to stay in Portland and drive home Thursday. Bill is going nuts.

 

I am going to buckle down when I get back and start 5:2 all over again, because I am sure I will have a regain to work on again. I always said I would use 5:2 for maintenance so lets see if I can stick to it again. I hate tight clothes!

Edited July 29, 2014 by Oregondaisy

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am doing okay. Just grinding through what needs to happen when someone is terminal. Cleaned her house today.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Last night shoveled out bettys kitchen guest bedroom and main bath so her dad from AZ can stay there. It was a potentially depressing task but my son helped and we attacked it like madmen and it was okay. I am still a little ill from digging out the kitchen sink but mission accomplished! I have let go of the guilt I feel that she was living like this due to the tumor.

Weight is stable in the 142 range so feel like I am doing good. I still think of Steven but I ended it with him for good and we parted with loving words so I am ok with that too. Sunshine...blue skies...good friends...kid at home...it all helps.

I had hoped to go to the ocean with horses and friends this weekend but nieces funeral is Sat so that won't happen. I have plans to go riding and dancing Friday night though!

[coops 1,790]

Sorry I've been away - lost all wi fi and 3g connection for a week!

 

Dee, I too can empathise with you - I get the same feelings and I am not sure why... I wish we could meet for that coffee.  Be kind to yourself, that email has really shown you how life has been tough lately...we all need time.

 

Florinda, I don't know anything about the work place in the US... but it seems like the new job is jut asking too much - but it will give you a ticket back to your man and your new life.  Let us know what happens