In the last 4 or 5 months my depression has gone from under control to totally out of control. I am no longer feeling up to participating in the things I once loved. I haven't been to church in 4 months, I used to go every week, it was my strength and peace. School is something I want to do and yet the idea of actually going makes break down in tears. I am chronically exhausted and sleep at least 14hrs a day. I have gone from showering daily to showering only when I absolutely have to. I don;t get dressed, I just stay in my jammies all day. I have stopped doing dishes, laundry, cooking. I am truly blessed that my dh has picked up the slack somewhat. I know that my weight loss is on track but I feel like a failure that I can't do all the things that I want to do and that I think I should be able to do. That I am not losing faster, that I am not performing in life the way I want to. I started cosmetology school 6 weeks after surgery. In hindsight I realise it was way to soon for me to take on something that monopolised 60hrs a week including commute time. I have a history of bi-polar disorder and have never handled stress well. This has just been way too much for me. I need different meds and a grip. I have an appointment on friday for the meds but I am counting on friends and all of you for the grip on reality. No one in my real life has gone through any of this, the pressure to succeed, everyone watching you, hoping for you, always wanting to know how much I've lost. I just want to scream that I still eat ice cream sometimes, I still like doritos. I am right on schedule but I'd be a lot farther if i ate the way I was supposed to. I want to lose faster and I could lose faster if I could just control my stupid head hunger! The only thing holding me back is me! My house is a disaster, I didn't shower today, I am still in my jammies. I went over on my calories today due to junk food! There is a huge pile of dirty laundry in the hall and an even bigger pile of clean laundry in a big basket in front of my closet cause I don't put it away and I don't seem to care, but I do care. I would rather sleep than face the reality of my life. Dreaming about a thin life with healthy finances, insurance and no stress. A husband that works every day instead of just enough to make ends meet by the skin of our teeth. I want a clean kitchen, heck I want a clean house, but I just dont have it in me to make it happen right now. My mom asked how I let it get this bad and all I could say is it crept up on me till one day I realised I was in seriously bad shape.

I guess that's all I have to say. I am hoping that writing all of this will somehow help me deal with life, that maybe someone else has been through this and can testify that it is possible to get through to the other side, the side of sanity. I need to believe that this huge weight will be lifted from my shoulders eventually. I just want to thank anyone who actually reads this for caring enough to read about my struggles.

I will lift your husband up in my prayer

I want to thank all of you for your support through this hard time I am having. I went to the Dr. today and he is adding to my medicine and we are hoping this will do the trick. Meanwhile he signed the note for a leave of absence from school till the new year. Thanks again, you have no idea how much all of your support has meant to me the last couple of days.

You took the right steps in seeing your MD and having your medications adjusted. As far as the messy house and the pile-up of laundry, etc. you can easily tackle those problems if you don't see it as an all or nothing task. If things are as bad as you described and you take it as an "all or nothing" job, you'll never even attempt to make a change for the better.

So, get out of bed, take a shower, grab a cup of coffee, a pen and some paper and start to make a priority list of what needs to be done. One day you can get the laundry done. The next day you can change the linen on the beds and get that laundry out of the way. The following day you can clean the bathroom. Make a daily schedule of jobs that you CAN realistically get done. As you make progress, you'll feel better and be motivated to achieved more positive outcomes.

Take out another piece of paper and make some food menus out. Plan three hours to cook some healthy meals in advance and freeze them so you have food on hand when you don't feel like cooking.

Remember, one day at a time gets the jobs done so take that first step and start to make some positive changes. You CAN do it if you WANT to do it. Good luck!

I feel a connection with all of you. I have been taking anti-depressants for more years than I can count. My house is a wreck and out of control. I am so (too) busy with activities outside the home between work, church and kid's activities that I don't see how I will ever get my house in order. My DH tries to help but it is never the way I would "do it" if I had the time. He is disabled from birth (hydocephallusy) and his perception of things is a bit skewed. Bless his heart, he tries and gives 150% effort. If I try to "fix" or re-do anything he has "cleaned" he gets his feelers hurt. I think the messy house is a big part of my depression.

ANYWAY, please know you are not alone in this. DO get medical intervention. Depression CAN be treated with medication and really makes the situation much better. I wish I could be of more help to you, but just knowing that you are not alone hopefully will make you feel better. We are always here for you.. Take care of yourself.

Waterlily,

I have to say like many people have already posted, I know exactly where you are today too. I had a baby, then the baby was in the hospital for head trauma, then my father died while my baby was in the hospital (he lived with me) then two months later I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer.

I too have a wonderfully supportive DH and now I am cancer free. It has taken me a LONG and HARD road to get to where I am today. I know all about watching things pile up and not wanting to get out of bed.

I think you did the right thing going to your Dr., however don't expect immediate or instant results. I came out of my deep depression like a flower blooms in slow motion. It happened slowly over time. Don't beat yourself up over this any longer and do what you can when you can and no more.....until you can add more. Stress of any kind will be detrimental right now. My internal stress that I put on myself was more stressful than any thing else, be aware of this and try not to talk negatively to yourself.

You are not alone and these feelings happen to perfectly normal people.