...and it will always be this way. It was more than I let myself realize this week, and I literally ignored my eating until last night. Had you asked me how my week had gone I would tell you average and doing just fine. In truth, when I made myself accountable I had my first Cereal, my first crackers, first dessert-like food, and I dont even like to eat them anymore. Even when it was the good stuff it was constant. It wasn't head hunger, I call it heart-hunger.

For those of you who don't know - many of you do and have been so supportive - I had my surgery on January 4th of this year. My Mom passed away unexpectedly a week later - three months ago today.

I will always Celebrate a sleeve-anniversary knowing a week later my Mom died...six days later I talked to her last, three days before that I began to make arrangements to be home in the Spring and suprise her with my weight loss...This is so unbelieveably hard. I feel really weak but I know I must have some strength left in me because I am here at work, and I want to exercize tonight and enjoy my evening with my Hubby and text my Sister and Dad...and I want to work on this some how being better, not even OK, just better.

My Husband told me I should not judge my strength by how weak I feel right now, that I am not a sprinter, I am not a marathon runner. I am a hunter-gatherer and I have been chasing a bison now for a long time, and I will eventually catch it, consume it and go on. The reference is vague but he meant it is not a game or sport, it is life and I will win.

I told him once while he was gone on an extended trip to Africa (while a crisis known as Hurricane Ike loomed - and I decided to stay with our home)...I told him "I will survive" on Facebook and he replied "No you will thrive". I keep that in my thoughts.

I hurt, and I wanted to reach out to a group that has been always supportive and caring and just wonderful and inspirational and say so...for me. I also wanted to post this to say to the other people out there that are having an exceptionally hard time that you are not alone, and you are stronger than you think.

There is no shame in reaching out, no lack of anything in you for realizing finally that something is harder than you realized. I realized today that this is not how weak I am, this is how strong I have been all along. I have took so much and I do not endure or survive. I do thrive.

You will too. God bess.

You are so right there is never any shame in reaching out!

I am an emotional eater; I eat even when I don’t recognize the emotion behind it. But the sleeve has helped me see this clearer, so I can only imagine the battle that you are facing with your Mother’s passing. I wish you peace and strength during this journey! Because parts of the post op process is harder (trickier) than you could have comprehend pre op.

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm sorry for your loss.... so so sorry.

Thank you. I wanted to post not just for me, but for those who can't yet - for them to see the responses and know we have others out there, like you, who will reach out. Thanks!

I will e praying for you.....I admire your strength in your trials.....always remember if God brings us to it He will bring us through it! So glad you shared your struggles. God Bless!!!!

Pookeyism,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself and celebrate your success. Heart and head hunger will always be with us. Recognizing them for what they are is half the battle. My wish for you on your three month surgiversary is that you will look in the mirror with love and see your success and beauty shining back at you.

At three months out, I was still tired. I did't get my strength back till about 4 or 5 months out. Recovery is a small period of time in our future lives, give yourself permission to go slow and heal.

Sending loving thoughts your way,

Lynda

Thank you Lynda. I had not really thought about the fact that I was still probably below the stamina and such I will have even just a few months from now. Thank you for the reminder, and the assurance

Pookey, I think this is one of the most heartfelt posts I've ever read, anywhere. I know you're sad about your mother, but I think you're doing exactly what she would want. You are standing strong in the belief that your decision to have WLS was right for you and you are taking care of you! ((Hugs)) I know it's tough when you're used to being strong to admit that you meed a little support. I think that's bravery!

Good luck, and I know you're going to continue to win this battle. Your mother is in heaven watching you and smiling because she is so proud of you and the woman you are!

Thank you Lissa! I do try to be brave, and I have alot of decisions to make in the next year or so, I will continue to do my best. Knowing people like you are just a post away helps so very much.

WOW... I'm in awe of your courage, strength and I pray that you are showered with peace and blessings...

Thank you for your encouragement and prayers. Peace and blessings sound very, very good right now.

I remember when you lost your mom. I was also sleeved in January, and I commented to my husband that I couldn't even imagine what you were going through. This is what I do know, though, after having lost a baby daughter and my brother (teen suicide, many years ago)... there are some hurts that no amount of food, friendship, talk, prayer, or any other thing will completely heal. These are the things we take deep inside ourselves, and really, the only way to cope is to acknowledge that around this subject there will always be sadness, and that's ok. Eating and other distractions are things we do to try to make the pain go away. Once we acknowledge that it never will, we can just take it out and quietly talk to it every now and then, but we don't have to let it live with it's hands around our throats. Does this make sense? I'm trying to say, I feel your pain, and it's ok for you to feel your pain. It's part of who you are now. The first year is the hardest, but it will get better. Your husband sounds very wise. You're on the right path.

"Once we acknowledge that it never will, we can just take it out and quietly talk to it every now and then" - words I do not think could come from someone who has not had the need to whisper those things aloud...I thank you for sharing your loss, and offering a moment of your time to make me (and others) feel better.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. But she must have known about you what you are now discovering- how strong and amazing you are. Blessings to you.

Thank you so much for your blessings! <3

*hug* I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time right now. I know that your mom has to be watching over you and that she's amazingly proud of you. Your husband sounds super sweet and smart, listen to him! There is no shame in reaching out and know that we all have your back if you need to talk.