OK... So most of my friends except two don't work outside of the house BUT do work inside w/raising children & cleaning. I think the the "inside" job is twice as hard personally.

So where to find this "kinda Guy"????

All the gents I date (which seem to be lower end income) (wonder if this has something to do with it)want thier future wives to all have J.O.Bs & clean & help raise kids. Or they want to be the stay at home hubbys. I personally do not want this.

But I read time & time again - that there are guys out there that say "No honey I want you to stay home & take care of the house & kids."

Personally I want to find the BEST of Both worlds. Option to work if I choose & stay home & raise a child & keep house. Of course I would like to keep my cleaning gal;0)

What is your story & where did you find him???:phanvan

For me I have always known I wanted to be a mom, and that to me was staying home and raising them. Cooking the meals, cleaning the house, and being active in their schooling. I've always thought it wasn't very fair that saying that gets weird looks from most people.

I told all this and much more to my dear boyfriend before our first date even. And he has agreed that's something he wants also. We are young, so who knows how things will play out. He is in college looking into the education field and playing football and has NFL potential. I often joke we'll either be poor or rich, no in between. I will do whats needed for my family, if that means getting money, I would find a position in the school system, if I finish my degree or not.

My gut instinct on this, is that IF he were the right guy for you....you wouldn't be asking us.

She's right ya know. We all KNOW in our gut when it's not right. The disasters come when we try to shape and mold the square peg enough to force it into the round hole.

You already have your red flags PAY ATTENTION TO THEM! Dont just smooth them over with "Yes, butt..". We have women's intuition for a reason. Trust it!

No one is perfect. Every person out there has something wrong with them.

My biggest red flag to any man would be that I'm a single mom, and second big red flag is that I'm struggling financially. Most men would RUN from this situation, but some are not scared at all and embrace it.

There is someone out there for everyone, the question is, are you for him and is he for you?

Judging from what you said earlier, my guess is he is not the man for you. He is not very stable financially, and you really want someone who'd be able to support you.

Make a decision and if you break up, do it now.

Sounds to me like he is trying to counteract the fact that you know about his debts by being extra sweet and telling you he loves you. I think there are a lot of red flags here, but only you can make the decision. I wish you the best!

Emily

I think what I am going to do is maybe sometime this month tell him we need to take a break so he can get all his loose ends tied up. That way I can concentrate on me, maybe see a few other guys & if we are still meant to be down the road it will happen then.

Ohhh this is going to be really hard.

Thank you all for the advice, I am aware of the "Red Flags" trust me I am, I just want to make sure I am not over analizing everything. My sister (oldest) says that if its just his finaces in question than that can be resolved, That his good out ways the bad at this point. I also tend to think she has a point- which makes everything even harder.

GOOD Points--Great lover, Trying to be more on time & not call late. Totall fix it man( Installed all new sod,sprinkler system,added new Water line outside of house, attic fan, new sink, new hot/cold water dispeser, gutters cleaned,light switches all redone,power-washed house & even more) this is all in only 3 mnths of knowing me-of which one month I was gone & out of state. He is gentle & keeps his cool very well, he is kind, he is funny- I mean silly gooffy funny;0) He is very handsome, He is very intelligent (except w/Finances)

Bad Points

Poor, no house, huge debt, has strange people working for him(at least they are inexpensive labor) Has no savings- well you see all the bad is strickly money related.

I know that is what i want, to be finacially secure not just by myself like I am but with my spouse. This is something I will be either willing to help him with or I will have to be the breadwinner if we are going to stay together.........I don't want that but if I fall inlove IT SHOULDNT MATTER!!!...OHHHH & the SAGA CONTINUES...Can You see my inner struggle? Or is this just me? I hate it when I can't figure out life.

WHAT?!?

All his bad points are about money..... and you want to start a family with this man?

You will never know more heartache than with a man who doesn't know how to handle MONEY.

Today I am a single Mom raising 4 young sons alone. There is nothing more to tell you if you deny that your situation needs real professional help. You want to wait until later this month to break up? Years from now you'll be saying..... Later this month we will separate/divorce. You've given away your power and you need to find out why. Please don't become a statistic. I think you are much too nice.

Gah!!

My first marriage:

He had horrible credit.

He couldn't hold down a job.

He spent foolishly.

He lied to his mother to get money.

He lied to MY grandmother to get money (behind my back and I've never asked my grandmother for money!)

He sold his father's coin collection for stupid stuff.

He left me at home with a baby and no diapers, out of town and no car, to go to "work" (salesman that never sold anything) and was seen in town eating out at lunch (had to write a bad check to do that!)

He left me with tons of bad debt/credit.

Second marriage:

He couldn't hold down a job.

He stole money from my kids money jars.

He wrote a hot check to buy our wedding rings.

He borrowed money from his parents to pay rent, then bought a stupid used boat with the tax return instead of paying them back.

He got mad at me because I hid my child support checks so I could buy my daughter some much needed glasses.

He thought he was a musician so he HAD to buy that electric guitar and amp and all the other goodies when he wasn't working.

He got pissed at me because I refused to get a job and support him, but I'd do it for my kids if he left us. *rolls eyes*

He left me with tons of bad debt/credit.

Third marriage:

He's been at the same job for the past 6 years.

He has wonderful work ethics.

He is careful with our money.

He has happily supported me during a time when I havent been emotionally able to work.

We own our home.

We just paid off our NICE car.

We own nice furniture and have lots of toys. Paid for after the monthy obligations were taken care of.

We go on vacations.

We are not rich but we are not stressed over the money.

Which choice do you think was the best? Imagine trying to build any kind of trust and intimacy with number one and two.

No, money isn't everything. But the money wasn't really the issue. It was the man's honor and character or lack of it.

Geez Photonut your 1 & 2 Marriages describe my Ex to a tee.

Christina you know I love ya girl. But at this point in your life I think it is important to have a stable, dependable, secure, man. The Pros you listed pale in comparison to the Cons sweetie.

I hate that you are in this struggle. I was there when I fell in love with my EX. He was just so young and irresponsible with our money. I too was left with 4 kids to raise and NO money. I went on welfare and had to live in Project Housing while I went to Nursing School. That sucks. I was left with a HUGE debt from my Ex as well.

You don't need more headaches you need less. I am not saying your man needs to be a wealthy millionaire but he does need to get his finances straight before you guys begin to discuss marriage or even moving in together. You don't want his bad finance history to follow you around for the rest of your life do you just so you can have earth shattering sex? You know I love you and I hope I don't offend you. Hugs lady!!!

You don't want his bad finance history to follow you around for the rest of your life do you just so you can have earth shattering sex?

Wellllllllllllllllllllll.... take it from someone who married for money (well, maybe not money, but stability) there's a lot to be said for earth shattering sex and riches don't compensate for the lack of it.

:rolleyes

I don't necessarily disagree with what PNut & Penni have said, but I do have to ask you guys, even tho you suffered horribly finanically--would you do it again if not doing so meant you would not have your children? Because seriously ladies, she's 39 and wants children--and wants a man that will support her doing that--and I assume be wonderful in all those other ways men are wonderful.

Sometimes ya just can't have it all.

And while you CAN recover from financial devastation there IS a point of no return when it comes to having children.

I don't necessarily disagree with what PNut & Penni have said, but I do have to ask you guys, even tho you suffered horribly finanically--would you do it again if not doing so meant you would not have your children?

Well of course I would do it all again if it were the only way I could have my children. BUT.. my children have suffered a lot because of both divorces and I would not want to put them through that again.

It is never a fair question to ask if you would change the past, given the opportunity. It is however, very wise to avoid making such mistakes in the first place. Had I married wiser, perhaps my children would not have had to suffer such heartaches of abandonment and disappointment. Not because of money, but rather because their parents would have been unified in their ideas about ethics and character, and might have stood a better chance of providing a long stable homelife for those kids, with both parents working together to raise them by example. Instead, I chose to ignore what I knew in my heart to be decisions based upon all the wrong reasons.

I have heard things like, "well he can fix things" and "he's fun and nice". Ok, what about his character. Does he possess the character traits of a man who will provide good examples for your children? Will he be selfish? Will he cut corners where ethical choices are involved? Will you be disappointed in his attitudes about ethics? Do you trust him to be the head of your family? Do you love him?

You can hire an electrician. Friends can make you laugh. And there are a lot of men who can be pleasing in bed. But a husband needs to be so much more. He needs to be someone you can trust, admire, honor, and cherish. If you cannot honestly say this man is of that caliber... then no amount of electrical wiring, funny jokes, or good sex will undo the damage that's done to you and your children when you realise you can no longer tolerate the situation you chose to get into, inspite of your own red flags.

I don't see Christina as a woman who has to "settle" for anything just because she can't have everything. If you can't have everything, then at least make sure you get the things that really count. The rest will develop out of love and trust.

Wow, I really agree with that P'nut. Well said.

But I am also a "country cLub" gal that was raised upper middle class & its so hard to think I may have to go into another marriage being the bread winner again.

I really want to be the wife who supports the husbands career & home & plans the parties & leads the girlscout troups & so forth.

But for some reason that I have yet to figure out I never find the men

...SO this last time I just told God i would wait & so far this nice sweet broke guy is who he has sent

You are absolutely right about character PNut. I haven't really heard I'll Succeed questioning his character. Yes, she is concerned about his debts and rightly so. If those debts are the result of poor character that is one thing, if poor business sense--that's another. I do NOT think she should "settle" for someone she cannot respect. I simply think there is more to a persons character than money.

Also when I first read it I was struck by the fact that she seems to be waiting for God to send her someone who has money and I just do not think that's a high priority for God. Some of the happiest couples I have known have been dirt-poor missionaries. I can think of 4 couples right off the top of my head who have been happily married for decades without having money to buy a house or a whole lot of other things.

Perhaps I'll Succeed won't have to "settle" for someone who isn't quite what she wants... but by default she might end up settling for not having children.

(Actually I think the fact that they seem to have different educations might be the biggest hurdle to their relationship. That would be more of a problem to me than the funds.)

Christina ~ I think you should look at this guy in a different light to see if your compatible on a deeper level. How do you feel about yourself when your with him? Do you feel like a better person after spending time with him? Can you REALLY see yourself loving him unconditionally? What if he was injured and couldn't work the rest of his life? Do you both share the kind of love it takes to be the caretaker for each other if something horrible were to happen? Do you share views on religion, politics, & raising children?

Just make sure you don't have to change your authentic self for any man. Be true to yourself. Don't get married just for the sake of wanting children now and thinking you can't have them later. I'm 39 and have 2 children, but plan to have more....the Lord willing....after we wait out the new band placment.....1.5 - 2 yrs. There are many women that have babies later in life. My SIL, 42, just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. We are so thrilled to have baby Mason. The clock does tick when your older, no one can deny that. Be true to yourself and I would suggest a prayer. God's timing is always perfect.

. If those debts are the result of poor character that is one thing, if poor business sense--that's another.

YES! You all write so much better than I do.

So, which is it, Christina? Is he broke because of poor character, or poor business sense? I think your answer to that one may be the answer to your question. I know doesn't seem that simple, but maybe it is?

Ok, what about his character. Does he possess the character traits of a man who will provide good examples for your children? Will he be selfish? Will he cut corners where ethical choices are involved? Will you be disappointed in his attitudes about ethics? Do you trust him to be the head of your family? Do you love him?

The rest will develop out of love and trust.

OK So lets still all remember I have only been with thie man for 3 mnth- 2 of which I was out of state. Allbeit that we spend nearly everyday & nite together.

**Awesome Character for raising children(about 90% the same as mine)of what I know.

**Not selfish in the very very least- just the opposite(which gets him into trouble -always doing for others & not enough for himself)

**Ethical/moral- Dead on with my views-100%

**Heading up the family- Looks like that would be a "yes" so far. Still watching & learning.

**Do I love him- not there yet but falling slowly- too scared to go one way or the other still. Its too soon for me. He is already there 100%

If the rest will develope over time w/trust/love & belief than maybe I have answered(with all of your help) my own question. HMMMMMM?

3Loves-- Our polital views all though conversations have been breif seem to be the same. Raising children nearly dead-on. And w/religion he attends has much has he can with me when not working 7 days a week. He loves to go to church & said it would be a huge priortiy when & if we marry. So I guess those are all good.

I also really love the fact that he is practically a non drinker & doesn't do drugs. His eating habits are what drive me nuts;0)

DevilMayKare- LOL- I wasn't asking the Lord to send me a man with money- LOL- What I was asking, more like telling God, was that I will trust whom he has choosen for me. I just wasn't sure if this was the man or since I had dated so little if I should look more & it would be so great if he were finacially stable. No one I have really ever dated has been.

BUT your guy's question about why is he finacially unstable is really a GREAT one. It isn't do to his lack of trying or ethics. It is FOR SURE 1000% do to the fact that he has a poor business sence & what I would judge has horrible time management.

One more thing that I think would be good information is that he has never once asked me for money or help. I like spending some of my free time with him on the road at jobs so I have gone but its been strickly by my own accord. If he did ask for a loan this early in our relationship I really would be out the door. He actually handed me $40.00 yesterday & said it was to help with the laundry & bottled Water he'd been using at my home. This is the second time he has chipped in for that. Allbeit I was the one who did originally mention that this wasn't a free hotel where he drops off laundry & eats/drinks for free-- so even though he got the message from me at least he stepped up to the plate.

I love hearing what you all say/think.....the good bad & the ugly. Penni you'd never hurt my feelings- You know me I want to hear what everone says always but in the end I'll always do what I want anyhow- its just fun to see everyone's outlook.