...and I think it's winning.

I had a major epiphany today. Ever since my last fill I've been getting stuck constantly and throwing up quite a bit. I realize that I'm actually not stuck, I'm full! Seems like this should have been obvious since I was banded 6 months ago, but I've been getting very small fills each time (on purpose, for a variety of reasons) and it's only now that I'm (I guess) finally feeling restriction.

If any of you read my post yesterday, you'll know I've been kind of freaking out lately. A lot of bad behavior, a lot of acting out, and frankly, a lot of trying to tell my band to shove it. Well, I'm giving up. It has finally sunk into my thick skull that this thing is here to stay, it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, it's doing what I WANT it to be doing, and I'm going to have to let go of trying to force food in and just admit that my eating days are over. I don't mean eating eating, I mean EATING.

So today I start mourning. Because you know what? I really really want to eat. It hurts my heart not to be able to eat, I want to go out and have a huge bowl of Pasta. A big plate of nachos with the works. And I can't. I have to face facts that I physically can't eat that bowl of pasta because pasta actually fills me up so quick that I can't eat enough to feel satisfied. I have to face the fact that chewy cheese doesn't go down so well anymore. And I have to stop over-buying and pretending that I'm ordering two dinners at once because I don't know what I can eat. The reality is that I'm buying two dinners at once because I WANT TO EAT THEM BOTH. And I can't. And that is why I'm freaking out.

So I give up. I'm going to let the band drive for a while. I'm going to try and drink more tea, maybe have some go-to 'flavor' things like lollypops or pickled ginger for when I want to taste something. But I'm going to try to chill the f@#!* out and try to think about something other than food. Thank God I see my shrink tonight. :-) And thank you guys for being awesome.

Signed,

Your resident crazy person

Thank you for caring. Just in a bad place right now. I just thought after almost 2 years of being banded I was clear of these things happening. I went from a new person to a depressed discouraged person. Mostly because the doc woudln't listen. Again, just the pain talking. I pray a lot and tell myself it will get resolved. If it means changing doctors or clinics. Froedert is known to be the best in the country. I guess doctors can't predict our outcome but they sure can help us when they are needed. I will let everyone know whats going on with my port. I wish I could find someone who is going through this too. (I don't wish this upon anyone) but it would be nice to know things can be resolved with this. I am usually a very up beat postive fun person. She has left the building and I am patiently waiting for her to come back. I miss me and so does my family.......

You know, its taken a lot for this message to get into my thick head. I am a carbaholic, love love love muffins, Cookies, cakes, sweet nutty concoctions (like "healthy" bars) and chocolate. Strangely, I hate bread and whilst I like Pasta and rice and wouldnt ever give them up, I dont overeat them. Just the sweet stuff.

I've had a band for seven years and never given up these foods, even though I've lost weight. I'm prone to periods of time of eating nothing BUT these foods, skipping all the healthy stuff to have a donut for lunch. Calores in, calories out is all that matters in the end - and I'm healthy overall - but this is my weakness.

However, since my whole cancer journey, side effects of radiation and chemo, I cant eat wheat - or a lot of sugar. I'm not allergic, nothing drastic will happen in the short term, but over time it makes me chronically and horribly constipated - along with lactose, fructose and sugar. Despite the fact that I will throw up instantly if I try to stuff a donut down fast, its been the constipation and bloating, seven years later, which has finally cured me of my desire for yeasty sweet foods. I just dont want them.The mental association with toilet troubles is just too strong.

Why on earth would the mental association with being fat, unhealthy and pbing not do it for me? Weird huh?

And you know, I hear you on the pain and positivity thing. I should be ecstatic over the fact that i'm 2 years cancer free and all signs for a cancer free future are great. But I'm so consumed with my daily battle with my bowels, niggly left sided pain, a stitch in my left side, the need for an enema to have a bowel motion which is kinda crampy and awful and followed by several hours of low grade cramping, urges to push. Every single freaking day. And apparently that's a GOOD outcome following radiation and resection. I have to work very hard for it not not overwhelm my outlook but constant pain does wear you down. You dont have to feel you need to support everyone here when you need it yourself.

Thank you for caring. Just in a bad place right now. I just thought after almost 2 years of being banded I was clear of these things happening. I went from a new person to a depressed discouraged person. Mostly because the doc woudln't listen. Again' date=' just the pain talking. I pray a lot and tell myself it will get resolved. If it means changing doctors or clinics. Froedert is known to be the best in the country. I guess doctors can't predict our outcome but they sure can help us when they are needed. I will let everyone know whats going on with my port. I wish I could find someone who is going through this too. (I don't wish this upon anyone) but it would be nice to know things can be resolved with this. I am usually a very up beat postive fun person. She has left the building and I am patiently waiting for her to come back. I miss me and so does my family.......[/quote']

Hope you get to the bottom of it own! Keep us posted