I’m really thinking about doing the lap band again. I had signed up a few years ago, then became pregnant so that stopped my Quest. My Husband’s open enrollment is coming up and I’m pretty sure I will have him add me again. My insurance doesn’t cover ANY bariatric surgery, weight loss programs, etc. Not that I feel ‘entitled’ to everything, but it does amaze me that my insurance SPECIFICALLY says they don’t cover bariatric surgeries, weight loss programs, etc. but that they DO cover dependency programs (drugs, alcohol, etc). Ummmmm, food IS my DEPENDENCY!!!! It has caused me to have high blood pressure, borderline diabetes and who knows how many other health issues!!! I guess people that don’t have an eating problem have a hard time seeing that I can’t just STOP eating, that I can’t just STOP making stupid food choices (fried foods, heavy carbs, sweets, etc) but I truly can’t! I mean, do those ‘people’ that think it’s easy to just drop 100 pounds by stepping away from fattening foods think I LIKE shopping in plus-sized stores? Do they think I LIKE only being able to find 60-year old woman shirts instead of cute, trendy shirts? Ummm no. If I could lose the weight I would. I’ve tried. I just don’t have the willpower. I don’t think that the lapband will solve my problems over night. I have heard countless times that it is 10% band and 90% person. Well I have 90% in me…it’s that 10% that I’m missing. Most of the time I WANT to eat better. Most of the time I WANT to make better choices, it’s just that every once in awhile I screw up SO badly (Chinese buffets, candy, over eating, etc) that totally messes up and cancels everything GOOD that I’ve chosen to do.

I’ve never seen a person (me) take SO long to lose 10 pounds, but go off the deep end for a few days and gain it ALL back, plus 5. I truly feel like a drug addict at times with my out of control eating. I know what I should eat….I can be headed to the store to buy something ‘normal’ and then I pass Arby’s and can’t resist pulling in to their drive thru. As I’m pulling in I will tell myself I will only get something small, a simple cold cut sandwich. As I pull up to the menu I see all of the delicious food, so instead of a cold cut sandwich with no mayo, I decide to get a grilled chicken sandwich, but at the last minute I change it to a crispy chicken sandwich with cheese AND ranch dressing, but I will not order crisscut fries…until the sweet lady in the squack-box asks if I would like to make it a meal…and since I’m thirsty anyway I say “yes please”…because I mean, if I’m already getting the sandwich and drink the Crisscut’s are practically FREE anyway..but I WON’T eat them all…and then when she asks what kind of drink? I say Pepsi, because everyone (according to the news) knows that diet soda ‘causes’ Diabetes anyway, so I might as well drink the GOOD STUFF if I’m going to drink soda!!!

I pull out of the drive thru and before I’m even on the road I’m chowing down on my fries. I drive to the closest park (so no one can watch Miss-fatty gorge herself) and eat every, last bite of everything in the bag. Being SURE to check for any lost fries that may be hiding underneath the napkins in the bottom of the bag. When I’m done I’m remorseful. I ask myself WHY I ate all of that and WHY I needed to even stop in the first place. I vow to NEVER do it again and to make better choices from this point forward….but somehow I can never keep my word to myself.

…Now tell me how I’m NOT the SAME as a Meth addict? Or an alcoholic??? I don’t LIKE my kids laughing at my fat butt when I bend over in front of them. I don’t like NEVER being checked out when I go to a bar with my Husband. I don’t enjoy always being told how ‘nice’ I am and that I have such ‘pretty' eyes. I want to hear I’m BEAUTIFUL. I want to put on a pair of pants and not have to jump up and down to cram all of myself down inside of them. I want to slide those same pants on and not say a silent prayer that they will still button and zip. I want keep my legs crossed more than a few minutes without the circulation being cut off and causing leg pain. I want to walk in to a store and not be breathless. I want to chase after my kids at the park instead of sitting on a bench waving at them when they ask me to play. I want to be healthy. Is that really too much to ask???

End of my rant….just had to get it off of my chest. If you’ve made it this far, thanks!

I have discovered www.shrinkyourself.com and it's changing my life. I have one month til banding but I've already begun to change my eating habits and attitudes. And I'm becoming less addicted each day. Check it out!!!