Hi. I am new to this forum, I hope I can find a way to fit in so-to-speak. I've been lurking for a while now, and can't find anyone with the type of experience that I had/have. Here's my story...

I was banded in August of 2007. I have a memory problem, so I don't remember what I weighed then, but I know I weigh at least 30-40# more now. I'm almost at my peak weight.

I am an addict. A food addict. No bones about it. I was thin till a few years after I married my husband back in 92. Then I just added the pounds on slowly but surely. I had only tried a few diets, I'm not a yo-yo dieter. At least not until the past few years.

I come from a background of emotional abuse, emotional neglect, and sexual abuses. I blame myself to this day about everything I went through but I'm getting better. I chose food as my way to dissociate back then and especially now. It numbs my feelings of self hatred but it also makes me feel a short sense that everythings good. It's crazy this relationship I have with food and eating.

I have been in therapy since my teens but did not find the right "connection" with a therapist and psychiatrist until about 3 years ago. I spent many years trying to plug all the littles holes in my "faucet" but only realized about two weeks ago that I need to turn that faucet WAY down to stop the gushing. I don't know if this is making any sense. I guess, I need to stop the flood instead of worrying about all the little puddles. I'm on several psych meds that I think are doing their job, the rest is up to me. My hubby is extremely supportive. So, in therapy the last week, I was again addressing my food addiction and how I saw no way to stop it, until my therapist said, "What about Dr. Posner?" (my lapband surgeon) I was caught in my tracks like a deer in the headlights. Panic set in, then it finally made sense. I called the office when I got home.

You see, I couldn't handle someone taking away my addiction (the innocent lapband) and my surgeon places you on the South Beach diet, which seemed like a cruel joke to me. I did all the things I had to do, for a while. But my addiction and my self hatred ultimately led me to give up on the band, get unfilled and leave the program a failure. I've been living a life of reckless eating ever since. Recently, because of my super obesity, my osteoarthritis got the best of me and I had both knees replaced at the age of 46, which is very young. I don't have diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol or anything. Not YET. In order for my two new knees to last as long as possible, I HAVE to lose at least 125-150#. And I don't want to have a stroke or die. My therapist said "If you can't do it (work to lose weight) for yourself, do it for your husband until we can get you to care about yourself, which I aim to do." So, I'm taking the bull by the horns and hopefully start all over again with the band and the diet. I have a lot of support in place and have made great strides in caring for myself (work out 4 days a week at a gym) both physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I'm in a much better place today than I was back in 2007. That's not to say I'm not scared out of my wits, but I'm trying to take care of my body, for once.

I see my surgeon, or the NP on the 27th. I don't know what will take place that day. I have a whole half an hour, ooh. Dr. Posner, the dietician and the NP were always good to me back then, I hope they will have "some" mercy on the 27th. I'm sure I'll get holy hell for doing to myself what I have done, and for not working my tool, but I think I can handle it.

This website seems really up to date, you guys sound like compassionate folks, and I'm easy to get along with, very honest...I think we can do business together! I look forward to any responses, good or bad to this introduction.

Hi, my name is Polly and I am a food addict.....' alt=''>'>

_{Welcome Polly!! I think you can do it too just stay positive!!! Good luck at your appointment!!}

Your not alone, I was banded 9/08 lost my job a few weeks later. I then went back to school full time, lost my Mother to Cancer, followed by leaving my ex husband and filing for divorce that all happened in the 6 months post op. I chose to have a partial unfill because I decided to move back to calif and I was borderline (not sure if I had too much restriction) and didn't want a ER doc if I encountered trouble on the drive cross country to unfill me all the way. I gained some back, however not quite all of it and had another fill just over 2 weeks ago. My new insurance covered it, and I also had to have an Upper GI to make sure the place. I am now at 7cc in my band which is a 10cc band. I had to learn fast how to get back into the proper eating mode of chewing and taking things slow. I would venture to say that there are alot of people out there watching and wondering about what to do. It is good that you posted and I am sure more will come out of the woodwork. So I am starting up again and it is going good, it is scary to go back into that thought process of having to cut the ties with food. I had the dreaded thought of 'what did I do" mourning about the death of my friend food.

I shook that off and already feel MUCH better and started to notice a difference in my clothes within two days. I am back on a roll!

We are not perfect, this is a tool, we will make some bad choices here and there. Forgive yourself and move forward is the best advice that I can give.

Thank you Teresa, I think I can do it too, just scared.

PandorasBoxx,

Jeez you went through an aweful lot during those 6 months post op! My heart goes out to you. I lost my Mom to breast cancer a year ago this month, it was so painful. I'm sorry you lost your Mother to cancer as well. I can relate.

So, if I understand right, you haven't had a proper fill since 08? Now you do?

You have a 10cc band, I think I do to, I gotta find out. A 7cc fill is pretty tight isn't it? I wish you luck in your newest fill. It sure must feel good to be back on the wagon and losing!

You say, "forgive yourself and move forward", I think that is great advise, Thanks! Good luck with your journey, hope to see you around....

WOW I am so HAPPY for you and wish you the best of luck!! I just got banded on June 4th 2012.. I also have been going through a lot and trying to let my childhood not hold me back any longer!! I am hope having this tool will help me stop the yoyo diets I have done for years?? I wish you the best of luck!!

Beck,

Thanks for the well wishes!

Congratulations on your new band, may your journey be gentle and successful!

Can anyone help me with my TickerFactory ticker? I created it, copied it and tried to paste it in my signature, but it won't paste! Two links are at the bottom of my post's, what are they? I'm SO frustrated! HELP!

I don't know how to help with your "ticker" issue, but I do want you to realize that medical professionals are able to understand much more about the impact a patient's food addiction and co-occurring psychological issues may have on the individual's treatment outcome.

The shame that you write about is common, though not accurate thinking about your current emotional state. It is a positive move to become proactive to address your health issues, and have a sense of self empowerment to become the person you want to be.

Best wishes for you as your weight loss journey resumes!

Polly,

Welcome!! I was banded in 2008 and have had an up and down journey myself. With a few band complications. I don't think I was emotionally ready back then either.

That is the beauty of the band. It is there to start this journey with you now.

I have refocused and started losing again. You can absolutely do this. You sound like you have everything lined up and ready to go. Kudos!

Look forward to watching and sharing as your journey progresses.

I don't know how to help with your "ticker" issue, but I do want you to realize that medical professionals are able to understand much more about the impact a patient's food addiction and co-occurring psychological issues may have on the individual's treatment outcome.

The shame that you write about is common, though not accurate thinking about your current emotional state. It is a positive move to become proactive to address your health issues, and have a sense of self empowerment to become the person you want to be.

Best wishes for you as your weight loss journey resumes!

I sure hope you're right about them understanding psychological issues. But really, how much can we expect them to deal with in their patient's? They're not counselors. But, again, some of us overweight/obese people became that way because of our psychological past. (Not to use that as an excuse) My eating history is so intertwined with my past history. I'm trying to deal with the food issues in my WL clinic and deal with my psychological addiction issues with my therapist. And somehow miraculously meld them together to become a successful bandster. It's going to take a LOT of work. I really do hope they understand...

Thanks for the encouragement, I hope your journey is going well for you!

NOW I HAVE FOUR TICKERS!

JEEZ, what am I doing wrong? It's not even the ticker I wanted, the one I made in TickerFactory,com.

Sorry for the room I'm taking up...

Polly,

Welcome!! I was banded in 2008 and have had an up and down journey myself. With a few band complications. I don't think I was emotionally ready back then either.

That is the beauty of the band. It is there to start this journey with you now.

I have refocused and started losing again. You can absolutely do this. You sound like you have everything lined up and ready to go. Kudos!

Look forward to watching and sharing as your journey progresses.

Love your name! Chalk full of nutty goodness!

Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one out here, I worried I was really out there. It really helps to hear other people's stories. I'm glad you were able to fix your problem and have refocused, makes me feel good.

I sure hope you're right about them understanding psychological issues. But really, how much can we expect them to deal with in their patient's? They're not counselors. But, again, some of us overweight/obese people became that way because of our psychological past. (Not to use that as an excuse) My eating history is so intertwined with my past history. I'm trying to deal with the food issues in my WL clinic and deal with my psychological addiction issues with my therapist. And somehow miraculously meld them together to become a successful bandster. It's going to take a LOT of work. I really do hope they understand...

Thanks for the encouragement, I hope your journey is going well for you!

Hi Polly,

I agree with your perspective, and you are correct. For a doctor to know about an issue, understand the relationship of the psychological issues with eating patterns, and then make the connection of your presenting issues with empathy and understanding in their treatment plan for you does not always happen.

I am a licensed therapist, though retired from my profession. I am a strong advocate of each of us being a proactive advocate to take an active role in the care and treatment planning we receive from our doctors. That advocacy and doctor-patient relationship does not happen with out effective and honest communication from both the patient and the doctor.

I encourage you to be honest with your physician, as that is the way they can offer you the most effective and highest level of quality care. Remember also that you have rights as a patient; the doctor is not donating their services to you. You should be pleasant, but be appropriately assertive to have your questions answered and your concerns addressed. If the doctor does not agree with the need to effectively communicate with you, for me, it would be time to find a new doctor...

Best wishes on your resumed journey...I sincerely hope all goes well!

Hi Polly,

Sorry about your loss too! It is very difficult at times but one has to move on!

My last fill was I think late June 09 and I ended up having some backed out late July because I had some issues, I was actually over 7cc in the band, they removed a little over 1cc in the band to bring me down to 6cc. This fill was first since June of 09 and they put me up to right at 7cc, it was a but of a shock to say the least and I had to re-learn quickly some of the things that I forgot.

I would have a bit of restriction at times with some things, prior to the fill but for the most part none. It seemed to hit when I was stressed or early am etc.

So, I am happy that I got a new fill and have another appointment July 12th for a check up, to see where I am at, check my Water level etc.. see how it goes...

I started to feel so much better within two days and I can feel and see the difference!

Hi pkb.

i'm Dee and an addict too

Best of luck with everything.

Hi Polly,

I agree with your perspective, and you are correct. For a doctor to know about an issue, understand the relationship of the psychological issues with eating patterns, and then make the connection of your presenting issues with empathy and understanding in their treatment plan for you does not always happen.

I am a licensed therapist, though retired from my profession. I am a strong advocate of each of us being a proactive advocate to take an active role in the care and treatment planning we receive from our doctors. That advocacy and doctor-patient relationship does not happen with out effective and honest communication from both the patient and the doctor.

I encourage you to be honest with your physician, as that is the way they can offer you the most effective and highest level of quality care. Remember also that you have rights as a patient; the doctor is not donating their services to you. You should be pleasant, but be appropriately assertive to have your questions answered and your concerns addressed. If the doctor does not agree with the need to effectively communicate with you, for me, it would be time to find a new doctor...

Best wishes on your resumed journey...I sincerely hope all goes well!

Sojourner,

I agree that you need to be a pro-active advocate for your care/treatment. The Dr. and/or the band does not do it for you. I am a very honest, genuine human being who does her best to communicate with the doctors and staff about my care. I'm an open book given the right situation, and this certainly is the right situation. However, I have this problem, due to my psychiatric trials and tribulations, that makes me feel very intimidated by what I call "The White Coats." Here, while I am writing this, I am completely objective and clear but when I enter the clinic (which is in a hospital) I tend to be intimdated to the point where all mental clarity and communication skills go out the door. I try so hard to bring to the table the issues at hand, but I freeze in person. This makes advocating for myself very difficult. My intentions are good and I try to communicate, but some important issues get lost in the shuffle. I just have to get a stiff upper lip and keep pushing. It helps to be on this website/forum...listening to other folks helps me out tremendously.

I am trying to formulate in my head what I'm going to say to the nurse practitioner when I see her. Or the dietician. I have 45 years of dysfuctional surviving to edit and fit into a half hour visit. I hope I can be effective in my communication, not wordy like I tend to be here, online, in text. And I definitly am working on not overloading the staff, as they are not there to counsel. But I do expect to have a huge say in my treatment! I deserve the best treatment available. And like you said, if I don't get that...move on. So thanks Sojourner, your post helped me put things in perspective.